Talk to the Goat
Whoa...I don't think I've EVER been first here, Jay...
Isn't that what the holidays are for, really? Just putting on a fake smile and pretending to like what you got. One year, I got a Chia-Pet. The sheep. I actually opened that thing and tried to grow some alfalfa. It never worked.
Merry fuckin Christmas.
Every year the entire family comes to my house for Christmas. There will be upwards of 40 people there. Last year I did not get a Christmas present from anyone. My kids all went to the dollar store and got me some stuff. I got a flashlight a magnetic hid-a-key and two screwdrivers.
My wife and i did not have enought cash to spare for each other so we smooched alot.
I guess it dont get any better with age.
heh~ But the diamond and gold crap can be sold and the cash can buy the good stuff...
I'm with you though, I get the re-gifts all the time from the inlaws, makes me ill. Glad to see you're back baby.
Oh dear... so I should take back the Jean Nate gift set I bought for you?
I got my roommie the Life Lessons 'Every great cook has to start somewhere' figurine and the 'If you're not in the holiday spirit, just fake it' ornament.
He loved it.
Welcome back!
LOL!!!!! Of course, I remember that you would have loved those red Doc Martens that I got a few years ago. But the bubble bath part was the best...and you don't have a bathtub! Perfect.
Bah humbug!
(Who am I kidding? I love Christmas!)
Hah! I got a chia tree once myself.
And a few years ago during the in-laws' gift exchange I got refill rolls for a lint brush that I don't own. Oh, joy.
In an embarrassing admission it's here that I have to say I'm pretty crap at buying presents... seems I just don't have the gene that can see inside people and deduce what they'd really like... Gifts just isn't a language I speak...
Sigh... so Christmas is difficult for me too many people to try and second guess... Happily they love me so it doesn't really matter in the long run.
And happily they all have kids now so that makes it a bit easier... while they're under the age of 8 they're pretty easy to satisfy...
BTW welcome back. I've missed reading you!
I once got a sing a long to bible songs VHS tape. It featured a guy in a big bible costume frolicking around the park with a bunch of children. There was a little bouncing ball that highlighted the words as you were supposed to sing along. I was 16!
The gifts that make my teeth ache are potpourri and candles. NEVER the scents I like, (or I'm allergic to them lol.)
Welcome back, I missed you!
Gift Certificates are a Blessing. Eliminates the need to rip your head off when you can't think of what to give someone.
It's either that or cheap plastic white cowboy hats. Nothing else says Calgary than a white Cowboy hat.
And that, is the beauty of the wish list.
awwwww poor Jamie...I understand this sentiment all too well. Which is why I tell my brother what I want, and he gets it...it makes it so much easier.
I missed you and I'm glad you're back. 
Tell your family you only accept ca$h from now on. Think they'll listen? 
Damn are you difficult to buy for! Although, from the sound of it, a couple of black concert t-shirts from any band most people have not heard of will do the trick.
I'm tempted to try and get you a real gift, just so you get something that's not crap.
How about Black Flag or the Dead Milkmen?
Yay you're back! Did you have a good time reading? Hope so.
I can completely sympathize with the crap for Christmas from relatives thing. I usually end up getting something from my aunts and uncles that is pastel pink and frilly and very much NOT me. At least my brother gets food. Food always has a use.
My parents are awful at keeping secrets so even if they do get me a gift I'd really like, I know about it well before it's time to open said gift.
I wish you cash and/or gift certificates this holiday season then. Or food. Food is always welcome.
Great advice! I'm getting myself an ipod after Christmas.
I bought my brother one, but I'm not sure if it'll get to him.
Where have you been? I have been searching all over for you!
But at least you can laugh about it. Or, well, at least write about it so that WE can laugh. ^_^
I am t3h suck when it comes to trying to buy stuff for my ILs. Possibly because FIL has zero interests, count 'em, ZERO, and MIL is allergic to every scent on the planet, hates spices, has only 1 hobby - shopping - and has so much clutter there's no room for another knicknack even if I did believe in buying that sort of thing. Maybe I should get her some Doc Martens.
I love that you're back.
Is that white uterus in the blue square where my avatar would go if I was cool enough to have one?
Awesome post! I would have fallen down laughing if it didn't all ring true.
My mother once brought me a souvenir from her European vacation: a pair of shrimp-colored fake sheepskin slippers that were also 2 sizes too big. The only thing they would have gone with was the orange and green print "jeans" she had also given me for my birthday.
If I had known that would happen, I would have self-aborted.
Thank God for the Goodwill!
Your post certainly makes me appreciate the fact that we no longer do presents within the family 
You know...I'd really rather get a gift certificate generally.
Bath bubbles? Ugh.
IsoToners? Nope.
Gifte certificate for $25 bucks to any old book store? Sign me up!!
As much as I adore my mom, she doesn't always know what to get for me (nor do I her) so a G.C. is great...allows me, her, pop, sis, anyone to get just what they want.
Possibly a 'distant' kind of gift, but in the long run? It's just right.
I go on the assumption that my family will never give me anything I really want (except my brother, he has good taste). That way I can plan to buy myself all the stuff I want with the money I would have been spending on them.
I have a stockpile of those bloody bath sets built up since I was 12. Not to mention diarys, scarves and pyjamas. Ill sell them to your mother if shes interested
Missed you to death but I can see you've been busy either Christmas shopping for revenge gifts or making space for a new load of crapola. I truly believe that gift certificates are the way to go. But they should be followed up with, "Hey, what did you get?"
Welcome back! Thankfully, I hope, we are past the crappy gifts phase in our lives. I remember getting some real loser presents when we got married but nowadays any gifts we get come from people who know us well enough to put some effort into it.
Yay, you're back! I missed reading you! Thankfully I don't really have any family other than my parents, and my mom is of the philosophy "Come with me to the mall and show me what you like and I'll buy it for you. Just pretend to be surprised in front of your father on Christmas when you open it."
welcome home to the blogosphere, jay!
i have friends that do the rote christmas shopping thing. they just pick up the 9.99 prepackeged wallet set for their dad, the ugly packaged jewelry for their mom... just because they HAVE to buy a gift! i just don't get it, but then again, i don't have a zillion people to shop for.
i normally have 2 gifts under the tree... one from husband/kids, and one from parents. and both are always nice. so although they aren't many in number, at least they're nice.
i have an idea... regift all that shit back to them at the following christmas. that'll throw 'em.
Color me weird, I love 3d puzzles. I think I've done them all except for the big one they don't make anymore. Sorry your gift experience sucks Jay. In my new family its great, its all about the food, no gifts needed.
LOL I was thinking about buying my mom an isotoner slipper LOL!!! My fave gifts are gift certificates!
You poor thing. Though my parents usually just stick to my wish list, because anytime they deviate, its usually a disaster.
Glad you are back! Sounds like you are going to have a Hellava yard sale in the spring!
Welcome back Jay. I missed your musings!
Christmas Crap really is no fun. Sometimes I wonder why I bother to put time in to buying gifts for my family. Three years in a row my one sister has bought me some sort of fancy hot choculate gift set. Forgetting that I don't even LIKE hot chocolate. Last year I got a frozen hot chocolate kit from one sister and a mustard assortment from my other sister. Really folks if it MUST be edible, can it be Starbucks?
Hope you get good stuff this year (or you can have a really killer yard sale by a retirement home!)
This reminds me of last year, when I requested one thing: a laptop. What did I get? A tie dyed dry clean only blanket. And my mother couldn't figure out why I was staring at her wide eyed, because it's a freaking blanket and it's dry clean only and at what point did I turn into a person who can afford to visit the dry cleaner after every spilled red wine incident??? Duh. I've asked for a laptop again and a gift card to Whole Foods and/or Trader Joe's. Here's hoping.
I hate getting gifts. It makes me sad. I like getting things for other people, though. I know, something's wrong with me. :/
Wait you have 2 mother-in-laws? I'm confused...
Unless you know what the person wants/needs I think gift certificates are usually the best way to go. It sure saves ppl lots time than returning the some really crappy gifts while waiting in a long lineup.
My Grandfather's wife (She's much too young to call grandma) is the most awful regifter ever. She once sent my Mom a set of chipped angel head butter spreaders. She sent me a purse so big I could have fit half my body in it. Last year she sent my Mom and I necklaces that looked like they were made out of spare nuts and bolts.
I missed you!! Glad to have you back.
Oooo, you know, you should get your family things like they get you - as in buy your sisters Barbies for Christmas this year;-P Just kidding, but imagining their faces upon opening up a barbie doll as an adult would be kinda funny!
Crap? Top this. One Christmas--I think I was 18--my mother gave me an ironing board. What was she thinking. I've never ironed a thing in my life and probably never will.
I really feel for you. It must be truly agonizing to know that your family not only doesn't get you but don't even seem to care much. My mother hasn't a clue either but she was never insulting and didn't do half bad - she sends money now which is fine. The only truly bad gift I ever got was a breadmaker from my husband. He bought it in August and spent the next 4 months trying to convince me I wanted one. I can't eat bread. He gave it to me anyway. I told him it was not my gift and to go out and buy me some jewelry (unlike you I am a sucker for gold). He did.
Welcome back, Jamie!
The gift thing is so hard.
Which is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
Family drama, food, then food coma.
I consider myself an easy person to buy for. At a moment's notice, I can provide someone with a decent-sized list of things I'd like. And that doesn't result in a lot of surprise, but I can give you a 20 list item, and I can be excited guessing which one you'll pick. But I find most people want to surprise me, and be original... but then they can't think of anything. And then they're mad at me. It's like, what am I supposed to do? Surreptitiously drop circled Future Shop ads on the floor? Sigh Geez, I'd really like to own Journey's Greatest Hits while the gift-giver spies on me from another room?
I think we might have the same mother. But I am sure asking her wouldn't help, because if she doesn't know you, she doesn't know me, either.
Ugh, I hate Christmas. Can we just skip it and go to New Year's?
My favorite was the bedazzled bird barrette my MIL gave me. I think it may have once been alive. It was frightening and I cannot imagine what sick-ass freak made it.
I gave it last rites and buried it in my backyard.
My backyard is becoming rather full with tiny little graves of the scary things she keeps giving us.
You think you can get any present that you want, with your magical hickory stick that is used to beat the goat.
Welcome back & merry xmas
What I intend on doing with the stockpile of bath gels and bath sets I've received over the past year is to put them all into gift bags and drop them off at a local women's shelter, perhaps with some other items like tooth brushes and what not. In some cases, women who end up in those shelters are there with only their clothes on their back.
Gotta make lemonade out of those lemons life sends your way... but you gotta squeeze really hard to get it.
Dude.. you need to get a new family.
baaa humbug!
hahahah
i def. hear u about wanting gift certificates!!! nothing is better! well...cash is better....but certificates are second!
Gift nobody deserves - Hickory Farms. Blecch.
I once got a book about a man's contemplations on old age when I was 18. My grandma thought I'd like the cover.
And the year I was into my hippie no shaving or makeup phase and I got makeup one year, and a dollar store bracelet with gaudy multicolor glass in it.
I totally appreciate a good gift certificate now.
At least the dreaded bubble bath bottle doesn't reek like those scented bath soaps, formulated to cover BO for everyone in the neighborhood. Those things give me a headache. I learned to throw them in the trash, throw the trash out that night or my head would feel like crap. (too bad, the soaps can be pretty.)
If I remember to blog about crap gifts, I must reference this post. Hope you're surprised this year in a good way.
Ugggg I hate gold necklaces and I waer fake diamonds now but its for a goof and in a kindz sex & The City Way, i talked my x boyfriend years ago out of getting me diamond earrings because at that time I was wearing little skull heads and Spider earrings!
I say you get them all black concert t-shirts and then say "oh no! You don't like it? Here, we can trade."
the only people who dont get crap for christmas are the people i buy for. and i'm so sick of getting wasteful crap from everybody else i'm just going to start regifting and refusing to buy nice things for them any more.
bastards.
I make it a policy to leave crappy gifts in the house where I received them.
Record for latest discovery by homeowner:
8 months.
Ugh! The bubble bath gift set is the WORST!!
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