Talk to the Goat
Ho ho ho, I can't wait until January!! 
every time i see the seedy side of the holidays, i mutter under my breath... "'tis the f***ing season!"
I have actually seen nuts roasting over fires! When I lived in France. Chestnuts, to be precise. But not an open fire, and it wasn't for Christmas. When it starts to get cold, guys come out with these big metal barrel shaped things with a. fire inside and b. holes on the lid and roast chestnuts, which they then put in paper cones and sell to you. I never tried them, though.
Christmas Hell is Christmas Music in a warehouse, while you hear ethnic group A and B talking smack about each other.
Next year it will be Christmas in some tropical paradise away from all this bullshit.
Someone sent Christmas Cheer to the office in the size of the largest pointsettia ever grown. My Boss hauled it around the office for thirty minutes trying to find a place big enough for it and settled on leaving it in the hallway where it eats up half of the walkable space, frisking every passerby, next to a decorative table so that we all have the joy of sucking in and squeezing by. Merry Christmas Season!
Misletoe. I just don't get the joy of it and it's annoying to be caught under a door, when death glares are mistaken for passion and an invitation to kiss someone. Just no.
OK Jay, I try my damndest to keep the Holiday spirit, and then you come along and actually SAY what we have all thought at one time or another. (Some of those points, not all of them. Some of these are just plain Jay genius!)
I'll pick my pet peeve out of all of them though. FREAKING tipping EVERYONE who is in the service industry!!!! Extra big tips for your hairdresser (mine was ready w/her $1.99 "body butter" lotion in cheap cellophane with some Christmas design on it.) The pool service, the lawn service,the newspaper delivery "boy," even the freaking postman expects a tip for leaving your packages right next to your front door, the pest control guy, ANYONE who graces your door with a service in the month of December stands there awkwardly waiting for their Christmas tip!!! Our Christmas "tips" alone add up to over $200.00!!! What the hell anyway! And don't forget your child's teacher,(make that teacherS if you have more than one rugrat) that if you want them to treat your child(ren) with just a little extra kindness you'd better remember a stupid candle or gift card for lunch here or there. I've had two bouquets of flowers come to my door in the last week. Both of those delivering, stood there for a moment waiting. Um, I'm sorry, I REFUSE to tip for a gift that was given TO ME. (I consider myself a fairly generous person, but this truly has gotten WAY OUT-OF-CONTROL)
OK, I'll comment on a few of your other bullet points, since you broke the dam wide open. 
The only good cranberry is one in the form of juice, that is splashed into my cosmopolitan! If that isn't good enough to ward off bladder infections, tough! Every year I put out that can of shit that passes for cranberry sauce, and every year I dump the bulk of it right down the garbage disposal. BUT, suggest NOT getting that can of shit, and everyone has a little hissy fit. It MUST be part of a Holiday dinner!
To be continued....(yes, I'm not done)
3T
Jay, I adore you!
No way. Eggnog is gooooooooood. You just need some dark sweet Haitian rum, and fresh nutmeg.
Delicious!
I'm guilty of picking up a poinsetta each year. For who? My X M-I-L who is such an active part of my childrens lives, I have to honor her with something...Enter the Poinsetta.
The ratty Santa hat? This one had me laughing until I was crying! Why? Because as I loaded kids into the minivan to drop off at school, there were what we have dubbed "the trailer trash neighbors" (you know, the neighbor who runs around w/o a shirt on and his ass crack and beer belly hanging outside of his 30 yr old levis)ALL with Santa hats on! Dad, grand dad and the two kids. (As there are three generations living in this little three bedroom house, along with the broken down car that has been sitting there since the day I bought my home 4 years ago, and has never moved one inch) You hit the bull's eye with that one girlfriend!
OK, I'll quit now. Let me just say, this was in the 3T top 10 favorite Kill the Goat posts of all time! (I can't wait to share this one with the husband!) Thanks for the laughs and for the opportunity to unload!
Love Ya!
3T
Jay, you said it! This is how I feel in a Nut-shell. (No pun intended either).
I always spell my stuff out, and I hate, all those "gooey shows on TV.
I've been called a scrooge, so maybe I am.
Glad to see your back.
Have a great weekend.
Merry Christmas Sunshine
I cannot agree with you more. Eggnog is wrong. In every way.
Who said there weren't any good Christmas songs? How about the Kink's Father Christmas? That's one of my all time favorites. There was also a novelty song a radio station did called "Cause I'm an Elf Now" that was totally hysterical. But my all time favorite (not technically a song) is the Cheech and Chong Christmas bit.
"So how's Santa get all those raindeer off the ground man?"
"He's got some magic dust."
Maybe we should all just go on strike.
Jesus was an X-man. The guy could levitate, change water into wine, heal the sick, multiply loaves, and rise from the dead. If that isn't an X-man, I don't what is.
So was his brother, Craig--Craig Christ.
Merry Christmas! You should stop by some time!
Sorry. I couldn't help myself!
This is characteristically hysterical, Jay. Cheered me right the fuck up! I think you probably managed to find something to offend nearly everybody. Except me. I just laugh when people make fun of my fresh cranberry garnish. That canned stuff that comes as a gell is vomit, however.
The only Christmas CD I own is a compilation called "Bummed Out Christmas", old tunes about holidays that aren't so happy (i.e. the classic "Christmas in Jail", an early warning about the consequences of drinking and driving)
I have to disagree on some parts. I love Christmas music. Love it. But the fruit cake, gross. Has anyone ever actually consumed that stuff before?
You've got me cravin' nuts! Yeah, NUTS! Hmmmmmm...
I love the holiday season. Not so much for what is out there...but more what I can do for my spirit. I've busy doing volunteer work outside of everything else and I feel blessed to be able to do it.
I'm done with the shopping. I'm losing weight so no baking this year. No hot chocolate...low cal hot chocolate isn't the same...BLAH!
Time for me to croon about my hot nuts!
*CHEERS*
PS...Love the blog layout!
And so, for all these reasons and the uniquely Down Under one of roasting Christmas Turkeys in 100deg heat because 'it's tradition' I shut my eyes and think about who it is we're celebrating.
And the world stops spinning.
I feel my heart break just a little for those stuck on the Holiday Treadmill.
But for me and my house there's Peace on Earth.
Even if it's just for as long as my eyes are closed and my heart is still.
Thank you for bringing some sanity to this season of craziness. I hear you on so many points.
bah humbug
publishing from new URL for now...
Not to put a damper on all of your Christmas un-spirit but X does equal Christ: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xmas
So all of those people squawking about people "taking the Christ out of Christmas" by writing Xmas? Wrong.
Cranberry sauce and fruitcake are the DEVIL!
LOL Looks like that trip on the reading rainbow has sharpened your already rapier-sharp wit love. Welcome back and thanks for stopping by today.
TG
I'm so glad you're back, even if you left your holiday spirit over the rainbow. I love Christmas and almost everything about it, except turkey and fruitcake (what is fruitcake).
Snow tires? Texas doesn't have those.
Glad you're back, girlie!
Fruitcake is the perfect gift for my husband's brother's wife, who is surely the most evil woman on earth at this time. (Lucretia Borgia is dead, as is the Bitch of Buchenwald.) It is perfect for her in the way of sweets to the sweet or coals to Newcastle.
And if poinsettias are poisonous, that might work, too. Especially if it can be turned into a hemlock-like libation.
TV is not worth watching in December. It just isn't. Unless you really have a need to vomit, maybe after drinking too many poinsettia martinis.
I love Secret Santa. And your take on the holiday songs cracked.me.up! You've really never said "yoo hoo" to your friends???
YOO HOO!!!!!
Lemme guess, you just found out you're on Santa's "naughty list"...again.
RE: Santa hats. Reminds me of the "interesting individual" (read under medicated shirtless goofball) who likes to hold up traffic in downtown Toronto by performing pushups in the middle of the intersection...wearing only a pair of cutoff jeans, and a Santa hat...in mid winter.
Re: 3a......I had not ever either, until we went to Rome and Florence this summer. They actually had chestnuts roasting over a charcoal grill. I didn't try one because they smelled raunchy.
Hey, as an ex jerseyan, dont be dissing the cranberry, I tell Tony Soprano
There's a Christmas song by Robert Earl Keen that I like because I spent a lot of my youth in Texas and the song rings so tragically true.
I was dreading the holidays for a while too, but then my daughter started to get into it and now my bookshelf has been turned into a Christmas landscape complete with fake snow. I tend to go overboard.
P.S. I linked to you on my site. Let me know if you object, please. I'm not familiar with blog linking etiquette.
I think in order to drive in a mall parking lot this time of you're required to have the iq of a pigeon. At least that's what it seems.
I love fruitcake! Makes an awesome doorstop!
(p.s. glad you're back)
I feel your holiday pain and sympathize completely. You did forget "Christmas Dinner" where you are obligated to make polite conversation with your cousin that has the social graces of a troglodyte as he regails you with his disatisfaction for people of a particular race, social group, or sexual orientation.
A yes, Christmas...tis the season for peace on earth and good will towards men.
Pass the rum.
G.
I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas.
1. Holiday Driving
I think it's different in the UK. I spend all afternoon and evening ferrying around to all the relevant relations just to be fed all day, with no washing up to do and then I get a few drinks in when i get back. boxing day is then spent away from people. the roads are fairly quiet, and haven't been icy at christmas since the 1970s.
2. Christmas Kiosks
Ssssh otherwise this thing will make it over to this side of the atlantic.
3. Really "great" holiday music
a) Roast chestnuts are nice. You only ever see the street vendors selling them at Christmas. I wonder what they do the rest of the year.
c) People of my dead nan's generation, especially the cockney ones like her, oh and my dad as well, they all say, "yoo hoo" when they feel like it. Which isn't often, granted. Especially in the case of my dead nan.
d) I disagree. Jingle bells certainly do, "rock". Especially if your age is in single digits.
Listen to some British groups, there's lots of Christmas songs - although not that many new ones. Do yourself a favour though, do NOT listen to Cliff Richard.
4. Secret Santa
This is a new evil in the UK. A couple of quid for a piece of tat to receive a piece of tat worth a couple of quid. It all ends up going to the charity shop, so at least someone benefits...
5. "Delicious" Holiday Treats
Cranberries: Try it with vodka, with peach snaps, or with white rum. You'll enjoy it more, I promise.
Christmas bird. I'm a food geek/nerd, so I won't go there. Traditionally it was beef anyway, and about 50 years ago, chicken. Another transatlantic influence...
Eggnog: Eggnog = YACK, I don't think we do that here. Advocaat we do though, with lemonade (my dead nan's favourite drink!)
Fruitcake: Okay I'm with you on the fruitcake. But you don't have Christmas Pudding or Mince Pies over there, do you?! :o) Just cover it all in brandy butter or cognac-laced cream and it's bearable.
6. Santa Hats
I'm trying not to say, "bah humbug" here...! I like the idea of the Christmas Beanie - although I object to Santa beanie and indeed Santa hats. That's because he's Father Christmas and he wears green, not fucking red. That's two more transaltantic bastardisations right there.
7. Poinsettias
Yes, I agree. A poinsettia is for life, not just for Christmas... or in my household it ends up being after twelfth night anyway because any plant that enters this house leaves via the bin soon after.
8. X-mas
"Who agreed upon this spelling?" Let me offer you my guess - AMERICANS!!!! (I do actually like Americans, I just object to the smothering of non-American countries with ALL their culture).
9. Schmaltzy Sitcoms
See I grew up in the 1970s and we were lucky enough to have Morecambe & Wise. There is no more to say.
10. Christmas Tipping
The tide hasn't turned yet with tipping over here in the UK, we tip when we feel like it. But I do tip the
oh shit i thought everyone would have done that. i seriously am not trying to hijack your page. i'm working on an essay and my brain is on overdrive...!
LMAO @ the poinsettas. I can't seem to keep those suckers alive no matter what I do.
And you already know how I feel about holiday tipping
I've honestly never had eggnog. O_O
Lol, Christmas tipping, very true. =) I don't like how it's mandatory though even if the service sucked.
i know he's a lightning rod for hate and there are things i hate about him ... but i think dave matthews wrote a pretty good christmas song a few years back called ... christmas song. very well done, and kind of new.
i love christmas music. some is better than others. no one will ever in a million years convince me that charlie brown christmas music isn't the best christmas music ever made.
e+
You're a legend!
I found roasting chestnuts in New York City..they were yummy.
What the hell is Christmas Tipping? Is that something like cow tipping?
Don't forget those corny sitcoms where there's some sort of reunion. Often, it's a character that left the show, only to come back in the final seconds of the Christmas episode.
The one I hate the most has to be X-mas. My name is not X-tina damnit!!
Oh, and there are venders that roast chestnuts in D.C. in the winter. It's pretty cool, actually, but I admit, I didn't taste them.
You've just been tagged. Come & face the music...
how about christmas movies!
it's a wonderful life
miracle on 34th st
I love the kiosk in our local mall that sells aluminum siding and storm windows. I want so bad to meet the kind of person who goes to the mall to get Victoria's secret undies, GAP clothes, and aluminum siding.
I'll grant you that there are some real annoying Christmas songs...anything sung by chipmunks...some of the more schmaltzy new songs...but I love all the older music. Nat King Cole, Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, Ella Fitzgerald. I love all the old Christmas classics.
Other than that I think you are by and large on track. I hope to be able to say at the end of my life that I never tried fruitcake. So far, so good!
headcheese - hahaha! pate de tete in France, you know.
But I think you need to take due account of 1970's classics I wish it could be Christmas (Wizzard) and Merry Christmas Everybody (Slade). Iconic music, surely?
You mean you didn't mean it when you wrote "Be sure to stop by sometime!"
Gord and I were on our way over!
You had me laughing out loud with this one. This is why I need to take more time between my posts and write something that's actually worth reading.
Haha that's pretty good lol. And very true! That list is the only thing I hate about the holiday's too!
Yay, glad you're back. I have to step in in defence of fruit cake - clairus99 said it all - brandy. You have to soak the bugger in brandy, then eat it. And if you're lucky, some ancient aunt will have iced it with marzipan icing too...
I'd also like to defend cranberries and roasting chestnuts, but coming from antipodean lands it's all a bit hard really. Christmas is so fucking hot here.
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