Kate, I really like how you frame the idea of being an ally to a parent. I wish I had thought of that when Wild Man was first born. Many, if not all, of our choices were questioned, and even now, our mothers routinely say things like "That's not how I did it." When you're dealing with a newborn and all the changes that accompany a newborn, you don't have the time, the energy, or even the mental ability to defend choices that you have clearly thought out ahead of time. Life would be much, much easier for new parents if those in our lives took for granted that we aren't idiots and that we had carefully thought through our parenting choices.
I also like what you say about giving La Dudarina the opportunity to express her emotions. And while neither you or TD are consciously trying to "shush" her, you are doing what I think most parents intend to do--comfort her. C and I also make an effort to listen to Wild Man b/c even as a newborn he had things he wanted to express, although he could only express them through crying. We quickly learned that sometimes babies just need to cry, and that letting him cry, while we held and talked to him, was often the most effective way to help him relax.
And why is it that people think new parents want a house full of visitors? We want people to do our laundry and wash our dishes, not talk to us!
Good for you! Sorry to hear about the mastitis - that sucks.
Shushing didn't work on my kids anyway and I never could just leave them to cry it out. That being said my son had colic for 5 months round the clock and a few times I did have to put him down and go outside for 10 min because my mind was going to implode (I was a single parent). A couple times I resorted to asking a friend to come hold him while I slept (I could sleep while he cried if I knew someone was holding him). In retrospect I wish I had asked friends for more help more often.
Babies love the sound of your voice - if you run out of things to say you can always read them whatever journal article is on hand - they don't seem to mind!
People offer advice because they really do want to help and we all believe our way is best. Those who love you will respect your choices.
Thanks for the great post, Kate. I'm really glad that your families have come around a little bit to be more supportive.
I found I mostly had to ignore other people's unsolicited advice, but my mom and MIL have been fairly respectful of our decisions which is a godsend.
P.S. Nuts to mastitis. I hope you recovered quickly!
Your post was extremely coherent and you made great points. I especially like your point about making sure the baby knows she is being listened to. I might have to add that to my comforting routine for my 3 1/2 month old daughter.
M -- I agree that what we are doing is also a way of comforting, and I do think comforting is important! It's just our best attempt at comforting in the context of listening, and it sounds like we're not the only ones with that idea 
.
L -- already I have had to put La Dudarina down for a moment when I felt too overwhelmed. Usually it was because she inadvertently punched or kicked an exposed nipple with a startle reflex movement. I was already in so much pain that, even though I knew she had no way of controlling her limbs, I would get angry and would need to set her down and either give her to TD or take a deep breath and say "ow!" out loud. Then I could remember how unintentional the pain was that she caused and could have attention for her again. I admire you for what a great job you must be doing as a single parent -- most of the things TD and I have decided would be near impossible if we didn't have each other for support.
This is a great post. It should be required reading for friends of new parents.
Sorry to hear about the mastitis though.
Sounds like a great baby strategy to me. I wish I had had parents like you. I really try not to question my friends' parenting decisions and just go along. The only time I had trouble was when this one couple we knew were emotionally abusive with their kids. Admittedly their kids were some of the most annoying kids I have every met, but I think that was partly because they didn't have the parental support they needed. I had trouble not making suggestions in that situation.
I totally love this post. I'm just trying my best to get through the pregnancy part and getting jobs and all that so I confess I haven't even been thinking about many of these things. But I LOVE that you compare the treatment of La Dudarina and babies to adults. I think that often adults too are shushed and told not to cry, even in supportive wonderful ways, because people are so uncomfortable with sitting and being present with someone when they are in pain. You are so smart to just hold her and be present.
And I never thought about how new parents want people to come over and clean! Typical that I would know now, when it's all about me needing the help rather than helping out my friends when they had babies (though I did ask them if they needed anything). But I know for next time now. So smart. I'm glad you're doing this first and giving us readers the chance to learn with you. Thank you.
Kate--as La Dudarina gets older and more aware of what she is doing, she will continue to bite, punch, and kick while nursing. Now I will offer a piece of unsolicited advice: try really hard NOT to respond in any way, including saying "OW!" At some point she will find that incredibly amusing and start laughing; she will then think that biting you and hearing you say "OW!" is funny and do it all the time. I learned this one the hard way--Wild Man thought my response to him biting me was hysterical, so he'd laugh and immediately try to bite me again. I actually had to "punish" him by stopping the nursing session. That made him really angry, but he learned pretty quickly that it isn't a good idea to bite Mommy, especially not while nursing!
No worries about it being unsolicited -- that is very helpful advice! Thanks M!
I really will get back to posting again soon folks, I promise!
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