Any confusion about jam is strictly in the minds of APL members, which is just how Comrade Yundt likes it. Of course, readers of the Weekly Gherkin, the organ of the Provisional Central Committee of the League of Trenchermen, are well versed in the litany of Yundt's machinations, betrayals and strategic catastrophes. So, for the benefit of Yundt's cowed cadres, I here offer a short summary.
1. The sale of the once thriving pickle shop to allow the APL to concentrate on providing free marketing for the snack products of our historic opposition.
2. The APL's disgraceful scuppering of the Savoury Alliance. The SA may have been somewhat fractious, but it was at least united in its committment to a savoury future.
3. The formation of the Pectin Unity Coalition (Gorge Jammoway) with its largely imaginary friends in the Marmalade Association of Britain. Obsequious concessions are made to the phantom MAB, while savoury resolutions affirming the movement's committment to pickled onions and baked beans (moved by ourselves and comrades in the Savoury Party) are cynically filibustered by Yundt's minions.
In short, comrades, the movement is in a jam, when it should be in a pickle. It is time for Comrade Yundt to relinquish his stranglehold on the savoury movement and to allow savoury ideas to once more circulate freely. Courage, Brother Yundt!
Courage indeed! The carping sectarians of the self-styled 'weekly gherkin' have always chosen to align themselves with the kittenite obscurantists, out of a jealous inability to see the wider opportnities available to the movement.
The pickle shop has been re-aligned to appeal to a broader range of the anti-pudding movement than Comrade Clench can appreciate, with his sectarian approach to anti-pudding politics. The 'snack products of our historic opposition', as Comrade Clench puts it, are today's opportunities for reaching the broader savoury masses.
The 'Savoury Alliance' was, at best, a transitional formation which allowed our Glorious Movement to engage in debate with the wavering and ill-informed groupings of those opposed to cheesecake on pragmatic grounds. Once we build a mass movement, we can direct it!
That movement has now come into being, thanks to our wily alliance with Jammoway. The idea that we have compromised on order to achieve this is spurious! As our inevitable victory will demonstrate!
Comrade Clench's ultra-anti-puddingism is as much an obstacle to our cause as is kittenite defeatism! Courage indeed!
Comrade Clench is wrong to believe that the Marmalade Association of Britain is influential in the Jam Tomorrow Coalition. Several of their officers stood down in order to participate recently, but they have not in any way agitated against beans or pickles, nor do they have a platform within the Coalition.
As to the foolish allegations of filibustering, I could go on all day...
It is true that the APL's deluded passion for the MAB remains unrequited. However, the MAB has no need to agitate against beans and pickles, even if it could be arsed, since the APL is so cravenly eager to repudiate the savoury way. That the suppression of beans and pickles and the promotion of jam and marmalade should ultimately bring about a savoury revolution is, no doubt, what Comrades Yundt and Abbas would call a "dialectical reversal". The Provisional Central Committee of the League of Trenchermen prefer to call it by its true name - reactionary backsliding. Courage!
Fraternal apologies for the unsavoury typo in my last communique. "Prefer" should, of course, read "prefers". Onward!
The singular form is possibly more appropriate for the 'Provisional CC of the League of Trenchermen', as the number of members of the 'organisation' hovers determinedly around one. Unlike the terrifying legions that the APL/SSPK have on every continent, Comrade Clench's solitary existence is undoubtedly the price of his doctrinaire ultra-anti-sugarism.
If Comrade Yundt were not so marmalade-addled he would realise that committee is a singular noun and, as such, takes the singular verbal form. Pedantry aside, I should like to take this opportunity to thank Brother Yundt, whose inimitable leadership style has driven so many of his former cadres into the arms of the ever-swelling Gherkin. However, he is right about one thing - the APL's leading apparatchiks, at least, are truly terrifying.
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