This blog is way left of center...
I own a number of forums online for FtM (female-to-male transsexuals)peer contact and we've been discussing the NYTimes article 'When Jane Becomes Jack'. A 'non-trans' friend of mine sent me the link to your blog mention and, as you say you know nothing about us, I thought I'd comment.
Firstly, your blog presumes that the NYTimes article 'means' that we were all once lesbians, which is false. Only some of us were, though many of us do try that 'lifestyle' for a while to see if it fits, prior to physical transition. Secondly, you subsume the 'T' in GLBT under 'sexuality'( you're 'fascinated by the complexity of sexuality') when gender identity is distinct from sexual orientation or desire.
For instance, I am technically bisexual but prefer men for romance and sex, which makes me, a female-to-male transsexual, gay...just like you. Some of your friends may also be FtM and if they were transitioned, you'd not know unless they told you. Don't assume you have limited exposure to 'them' any more than that 'they' only arise from the lesbian community.
You mention the 'impact' a transitioning partner has a relationship. Transition is a relatively short-lived process for FtMs, after a few years most FtMs are indistinguishable from men born male. Therefore most partners aren't with a 'transitioning' transsexual, they are with a lover who either appears male or appears female...regardless of whatever complex gender situation they may inhabit. My boyfriend is a gay man who doesn't date women, my past has no impact on our relationship in that, for me, it's another life and, for him, it's unimaginable...and immaterial.
While it's true that, within lesbian couples, transition often causes breakups, it's also true that it causes breakups of any relationship and not just those between lovers and spouses. Many of us lose our families and friends, as well as lovers, in becoming ourselves. I'm not sure lesbian couples are different in that regard, though it is true that only lesbian couples face the issue of 'disloyalty' and the idea that someone is 'defecting' to the 'other side'. I've not noticed anything similar in the gay community with regard to male-to-female transsexuals or in the heterosexual community, either, though my exposure there is more limited.
I find that a more interesting topic that the article brings up than the rather tired one you mention. Everyone knows that many lesbians hate men, etc, etc, but WHY do they hate men to this extend and why is it quantitatively different from the way gay men feel about women? Sure, a lot of gay men don't like the idea of sex with women but most have women friends and few would like to see women nuked from the planet (as some lesbians say they'd like to see happen to men). Why is that and what is the difference?
This connection between women and gay men concerns me far more than the quirks of the lesbian community. Why? Because I'm a gay/bi man myself and that's the world I live in. I have lesbian friends but they obviously aren't the ones who feel so strongly about men.
An even better question arising from the article is WHY do queers subdivide into categories that no one who isn't queer can see? Outside the GLBT community, we're all just a bunch of disgusting queers...so what advantage is there in anything other than solidarity?
Don't be so sure the 'T' isn't all around you or that it's so different from you, a gay man. Whatever prejudice you may encounter as a gay man is predicated on gender stereotypes, they limit you as well as us...in fact, they limit everyone.
And don't think that because, like Dr. Seuss' Sneeches, we divide our group into categories (stars or no stars) that any non-Sneech can tell the difference...or gives a fuck.
Best of luck,
Generic FtM aka the guy next door
Thanks for visiting! First, let me clarify: as you say you know nothing about us
I said I had "limited exposure" which is a far cry from knowing nothing.
your blog presumes that the NYTimes article 'means' that we were all once lesbians, which is false
No, I did not presume this at all. I'm merely laying the NY Times article out there so others can broaden their understanding of what life can be like and the challenges presented by a decision to undergo a gender transition -- in this particular case it was a lesbian who obviously was needing to be more true to himself as a man instead of a woman.
I was interested in the story because it's an aspect of a relationship I hadn't much considered in the past although in retrospect, I'm not sure why I hadn't. As a gay man who was born male, all I had to do was admit I was gay and move on. I wasn't in a relationship with a woman prior to "coming out" so I avoided that scenario.
My intent here is to broaden exposure to the lives of the trans community although it'll be done in stages and this is only one stage. There are as many facets to explore here as there are with society at large.
I don't doubt that the "T" is all around me and yes indeed, there are MtF and FtM that I'd never know unless I was told....which is precisely the point of delving into this topic. It's unlikely that I'm going to have 3 or 4 people come up to me in the next few weeks and say "Oh by the way, you probably have no idea but I was born a man, but now I'm a woman," or vice versa.
By exposure, I was not implying that I've been isolated from it; I'm merely saying I haven't until now knowingly had an acquaintance or friendship with anyone who had undergone a gender adjustment which would give me the insights I'm seeking.
Hopefully, my post wasn't THAT unclear but my apologies if it was. I'm looking forward to additional comments.
Thanks again for yours.
You weren't THAT unclear ... actually you weren't unclear at all. Yes, you erred in associating gender and sexuality, but almost everyone in the world does that. We (or at least, I) will forgive you this time. At least you're trying to learn more about the subject (although referring to myself as a subject is a little strange), and that's more than a lot of people are willing to do.
Your saying that transition (usually) has a bad effect on a lesbian relationship is true; I didn't get that you were saying that lesbian relationships were the ONLY ones the transitioning negatively impacted. I'm pretty sure that it's a given that if your sweetie or parent or sibling or boss or child says that she or he is changing genders, it's going to impact your relationship. Yes, us trannies make people nervous and there are probably more of us out there than folks think, but we're just folks. We're not THAT different.
I've found it helpful to think about gender issues as a 3D model, comparable to heighth, width, and length. There are different dimensions, and different spectrums that may cross, but are also completely independent. These are biology, preference, and identity. Sevual preference is the spectrum from exclusive heterosexuality to exclusive homosexuality. Thats just one axis. Biology is another, from male to female. There is a kink in that spectrum, because sometimes appearances do not match DNA. I've known cases like that in the adoption community, due to birth defects. The third axis is gender identity; which gender you feel you are regardless of biology or sexual preference. People can fall into any position on that spectrum, although there are few who are truly in the middle of any of the three dimensions. But the labels we put on people can be confusing if you don't think about the three as separate concepts.
OK, correction: the next-to-the-last sentence should read People can fall into any position on the 3D MODEL, although there are few who are truly in the middle..
Transgender issues are more complex than most people can understand, seeing everything as dualities because that kind of perception is hard-wired by the societies most of us live in - good/evil, left/right, male/female. Anything which challenges the bi-polar state of our collective mindset is seen as dangerous, contrived or simply freaky.
I've met a number of examples of people who don't fit into easy categories or labels: the lesbian couple, one of whom was transexual and in the process of sexual change - and the partner, though lesbian, had fallen in love so deeply she was happy to think of herself entering her first heterosexual relationship by what was, for her, a passive mechanism in many ways.
And then there was the hermaphrodite - we hear little about those people, don't we? - both male and female genitalia, and although it is usually the case that only one set functions or neither, this person - who said the correct way to reference, the only way, was as an 'it' rather than he or she - had both sets of organs functioning and chose to become female after many years functioning as a man by outward appearance and working on the railroad tracks. After the op, it said it would be not only a she, but a lesbian as she had always been attracted to women but felt she could choose to take either path.
Now that was mind-boggling. I've come to the conclusion over the years that while I am gay and have no blurred edges about that, the majority of people live with blurred edges to their sexualities and views which they deny in order to fit in - be that socially, sexually or politically. x
Yes, you erred in associating gender and sexuality
In my next post I'll try and clarify my point. No guarantees of success though! 
whew! amazing stuff. glad that new york has taken the (so it seems) radical step of declaring transexuals human. i number two m2f's among my close friends. i did not know either of them before surgery. i probably would have liked them anyway. they are both superb musicians and loyal friends. that's enough for me.
Hermaphrodite is an old term. Intersex is a better term to use.
Yep I got your point but I have nothing to add. But I do have respect for you and your viewpoints.
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