It breaks my heart to watch you go through these emotions and I wish with all my being that I could change things for you. I was just talking to a friend this morning about how "harsh" this life is... so much heartache and afflictions. Most often the situations in which we feel completely helpless are the ones where the desire to "take away the pain" burns the strongest.
You have every right to feel the way that you do. It's natural for us to compare but I agree... very frustrating. I do the same thing. Oh, and here I go rambling on and probably not making much sense. Just know that I do care about you and Ethan... very much. I hope and pray that his school experience this year will be a positive one. I've been told, Miss KAri is the BEST!
I'm right there with you. Just when I think I've gotten off that train
(don't even get me started on that Holland business - sometimes you just want a little Italy for both of you)
I find that somehow I'm on it again, I'm just on a different car.
This might just be his year to shine 
I am sorry you have to go thru all of this.
I worry about you sissy. Ethan has so many trials to go thru.
I hope things get better
Maybe I should nickname you Sisyphus. I don't say that to be mean at all. But you are the best rock roller I know. You know why? Because you are honest about it. You don't paint a rainbow covered sunny day with flowers and trees and a nice little rolling stream. You describe your feelings and allow others to gain empathy. You allow us to know how hard it truly is. There are those of us who would never be able to comprehend the work involved in caring for a loved one with special needs.
I thank you for that. You must've loved what Sarah said last night. (Yep, we're already good friends!)
(not that what I went through is comparable with your situation, but...) I know there were plenty of times I would ponder the same things, and even now with #1's latest situation, whenever I see my odd bruises or have a weird ache, I wonder, "Is this something *I* gave him? and will he pass it down to his little one?" ugh.
There were times I finally just gave it all up and began to focus on the day to day stuff, but those difficult times/weeks in the hospital or during treatments, procedures, etc. I would wait for the shower(sometimes days later) and just cry my eyes out there.
Allow yourself to be human. You have two great index fingers...make them work! Finger pointing can be a great stress reliever, and those who get pointed at usually are great at blocking them with love. Find some big shoulders and give them a load of your burden. Make some mud and toss it at a few (lucky)targets (or at the barn wall, cuz folks get testy if you really throw stuff at them!).
If your don't *spend* your frustrations and anger, blame, and guilt it earns interest in your emotional bank.
Go "shopping" and spend all that crap. Oh, and don't forget to pick up those adorable breakables!
Oh, Lis, I'm gonna call you right now.
You know my mom, who had to deal with more in her lifetime before she was 40 than I want to by the time I die told me something I will never forget....."Don't let anyone tell you it is not okay to get on your knees and rage like hell at your Heavenly Father, if anyone understands your frustration it is him"
No one who has been through any real trial would blame you for feeling any emotion you feel like going through!!! Embrace the calm and the storm!!!
I am glad to see you are still here. I missed you And your family while I was away!!
I've been having some yucky emotional times lately too. I also have some big issues with jealousy, not necessarily about Kade but sometimes too. I know we have been so lucky and so blessed but I still feel bad for myself sometimes. 
I hope things look up, or at least you can get yourself up.
I had a few emotional meltdowns lately due to things that I am phobic about. I am sorry how I hurt the one that I love so much. Your emotions are from a differnt place. You have been the caregiver for a few amazing years now. In my condition, I can measure my progress while others may think that I have not made progress because I go less places. In fact, I now work from home. That helps me so much. Others may think it is being a quiter. I may conquer my fears. Or I may not. But I feel so much happier and even before I worked from home I have been much better than I used to be. Progress in this world is often measured and correlated and calculated. But sometimes there is hidden progress. Or sometimes we have to be grateful for what we have in the absence of progress of improvement. And what a gift we have. I have many things that I do that I feel good about despite the times that I feel ashamed when I let my emotions and murmuring get the worst of me. I hope this finds you in a better place then when you wrote this post. I do appreciate your honesty. I have a friend who has not kept up her blog since I think June. I don't know how she is doing. I hope she is okay. I wish she would come to us when she is down so that we could give her some moral support.
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