Hi Lene, I've been reading your blog for a while but haven't commented (I don't think). Thank you for this post, it is so thoughtful and meaningful; very thought provoking!
Amen, Lene. Love is not what you can get in return; it is simply who we are. And pain and loss are the means by which the joy shows how brilliantly lit-up it is, shining out of the darkness. It's easier to notice headlights at night.
It's why I only stick with happy-endings books and movies.
Do you watch Scrubs? I watched an episode that was a weird fairy tale version of the story of finding a difficult diagnosis (slaying the monster). The doctor was telling his son about the quest to slay the monster and how the maiden (the patient) lived happily ever after. Later the wife said, 'So, did she really live happily ever after?" and the doctor sighed and said, "That's how I'm telling it."
I don't know that my little story had anything to do with what you said, but I thought I'd share.
While love makes great fodder for songs and movies, I think that generally it's overrated. I'll take security and peace of mind any day.
I've loved without being loved in return. I never used the word though, because I knew it wouldn't be returned.
I accepted your relationship. You knew it was doomed and as long as you knew that, I accepted it. You had your reasons for being in it, and while it might have been wise to work on the underlying issues, I know it's easier to just work with the problem than to get rid of it. I know that very well.
Very thought-provoking post. Thank you so much.
I enjoy your wisdom, and I agree with you. I am in a sort of similar position in a way. My best friend is a woman that I am in love with and would marry if I was single, but I'm not. I am happily married, and I will not betray my wife. So this friendship is often painful for me, but is absolutely worth it. (My wife and I have discussed all this openly, there are no secrets or sneaking going on. And one of the many reasons I love my wife so much is that she is OK with all this and chooses to trust me in it.)
I think love is a good and worthwhile thing in itself, and does not require any particular ending to make it so.
PhilB
Nicolas Cage got to deliver some of the best lines about love in Moonstruck:
"Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and *die*. The storybooks are *bullshit*"
Or something like that ; )
Great post.
I think it is the expectations, and not the attachment, that can break your heart. It's not unrequited love that hurts; it's dashed hopes. Any time you are counting on someone to fulfill a need, you're in danger of hurt. There's only One who will never disappoint. So love freely, expecting nothing in return! Ah, that's the hard part. =)
I'm not sure we can innoculate ourselves from pain, no matter how much cotton wool we may use to protect us. And unlike WT, I tend to think security is also pretty illusive.
Then there is the kind of love where we are sure it is love but it is purely an illusion and on retrospect we realise it was a whole bundle of other things.
Damn you!!
Ever since I read this post a couple days ago, I haven't been able to get the song out of my head.
It's getting painful!
I audibly gasped while reading this post. The depth of your insight and your eloquence in expressing it often astounds me but never more than this has today.
God bless you.
Okay, since Trevor posted twice, I decided I can, too. Giving more thought to the "Bachelorette's" comment, I can see why she would TRY to guard her heart because there's little more painful than unrequited love. That said, I don't think we can choose to "fall in love" or not. We can love, but that's not the same thing. And like Olympia Dukasis said in Moonstruck, if you love them, they'll drive you crazy because they know they can. (Not sure which song's been bothering Trevor but String is rattlin' in my ear.)
Lene, this post is so very moving. And beautifully written. And I agree with every word.
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