The voice of him that crieth in the Bloggerness!
I can see why your wife suggested reading this post! This was so true and you did an exceptional job in making this understandable.
What a blessing you are to your family, and to society as well.
God Bless you!
So true. I am married to this kind of man, and I thank God a thousand times a day for him.
Joel,
Christina's friend Kathleen(from NY) here. I thought when she first started talking about you, that you were special. I'm so glad that I was right. I forwarded this on to my husband because he is such a blessing to me and our children and you described to a "T" what kind of MAN he is. Thanks for putting it into words.
I so glad that Chris has found you. God Bless you!
Kathleen! You exist! You're one of Christina's favorite topics of conversation, but I wasn't sure you were more than a myth. (Or should that be a "mythuth"?) 
Joel... those are wise words. Jumped to your site from your comment on mine. Now you're bookmarked. I think I might print this one out.
-jd
I'm snickering a little at the description of how he would only swear with no women around. I've known women who could curse any man under the table. (One of them managed to break herself of it- mostly-which was necessary for her vocation. I just hope she is never put under extreme stress, or her fellow Carmelites might get quite an earful. )
Hey Joel,
That's some great writing! Is your diocese having a Men's conference? The Archdiocese of Detroit had one last weekend and there were around 4000 men who were there. Hungry for God. It was a truly blessed day. (Although the lines for the men's room were atrociously long!!)
I will keep you and your wife in my prayers as I know she's just about due. Also, keep up the great witness to the other blogs that I read you on.
Dennis
Awesome post. I'll be sharing it with my very manly guy. If I had sons, I'd want to share this kind of thing with them. Of course, my husband being who he is, he'd have his own way of saying just this.
Really, really excellent. Thanks for sharing this with us.
So, Joel, do you have an opinion about manhood? Don't be shy, now.
This is a great post. I read about half-way through, and time hasn't allowed me to read the rest, but I'm sure you're right on. Keep up the great work.
Thanks for the post, by the way. I'll book mark yours and we can trade comments.
Being solid, committed, and determined to get the job done don't sound like "manliness" to me. They sound like necessary ingredients for being a decent human being, male or female.
True, Donna, but men and women exercise those qualities in different ways and different roles. I feel like boys aren't taught those necessary things enough, which is why we have a generation of selfish whiny-asses coming of age today. Of course, much of that may be youth, as I know I was like that when I first had to live on my own, and the things I'm talking about here I didn't learn until later. (And some of them I still haven't got the hang of, but by gum, I can still pontificate on them!)
Paul, thanks for the kind words. I had no idea you had taken up blogging again until I ran across you yesterday, but I'll be linking you.
Really enjoyed this post. Came via the link from Amanda Witt at http://wittingshire.blogspot.com...tin-be-
man.html.
Thanks!
For the most part you just described my husband. Where the description differs, my husband is an improvement.
This is a great post. I hope many fathers and sons take it to heart.
Bravo! I am linking this at my blog.
Thanks for this. I know my husband wil read and agree with it. And I'd like my 4 boys to read it eventually too.
Mary, mom to many
Outstanding piece; I salute you. We have, in recent years, seen far too many spoiled and whiny brats wearing grown-up bodies, and pretending to be men. And it's time to start seeing- and living like - what real men were created to be.
Ever wonder why "Braveheart" caught the attention of so many men, and held it? Why men were so captivated by the image of a man to whom honor and duty were of more importance than acheiving selfish goals?
I believe it was because men who had been 'Phil Donahued' and otherwise feminized, sensed deep in their hearts that a man is not just a larger sized woman...but he is meant to be a man in the true and good sense of that word. As described in your excellent writing.
God bless and keep you and yours.
Thanks for the great post. I am the mother one future man and four future women. Right now their father and I try to emulate the roles to which we have been created to occupy--that of man and woman. It is so nice to read of another who believes that men should be MEN not girly-men (to borrow a phrase from the honorable Gov. Schwarzenegger)...thankfully I married a man...who expects his son to follow suit...but not until he has learned it is right and just to do so because he was created to be a man.
This is an awesome post. I love it. ~B
So well done...thanks for writing it down, will have to save for my 4 men-in-training. Such a lack of this idea from the culture. BRAVO.
Thanks for this great post. I have put a link to it on my blog .
Joel--
Found you through Happy Catholic. Loved this post and was reminded it after seeing the manly men at the ballet, of all places, wrote a post about that and linked to this one.
I also read your obligatory conversion story. (Whoops, I didn't know about those--don't have one yet!) I grew up American Baptist too, and have ended up Anglo-Catholic. My husband is ordained a priest in the AMIA (Anglican Mission in America). Online, I don't usually feel like I belong, as I'm not Reformed or Catholic or a disaffected Episcopalian! I'm lurking in the Catholic blogs more and more, though.
Will be back!
Hen, the conversion story is only obligatory for a dimestore Catholic apologist. Christians who aren't trying to show off at apologetics aren't expected to post one, but every Catholic who ever used to be anything else seems to have one, so I felt I ought to, too.
Great post. Linked you and posted it at our site! I've bookmarked you for future reference.
Joel,
Thank you for this post - it was very interesting. I, myself, am a feminist and agreed with a majority of your comments. I strongly believe that men and women are equal. Yes, a man may be stronger in some aspects, but a woman is equally strong in others. So to say that a man is solely responsible to go get the car in the rain or to clean up messes is sexist. If in a specific relationship, a couple is comfortable with that arrangement, that's fine. But to automatically assign that role to a man, is not fair. I have a long time boyfriend and we are completely equal. We share all responsibilities and I would never ask him to do anything that I would not be willing to do. I think women get a bum rap on being "weak" or "dependent" for exactly this reason. I definitely enjoyed your comments, but just wanted to clarify how a lot of women feel.
No, Beth, it isn't fair that men should get the car in the rain, but surely someone, at osme point in your life, has told you that life isn't fair?
It really isn't fair that only a woman can bear a child or breastfeed a child. Having a baby, generally, means nine months of discomfort, a few days of pain, a few hours of agony, and then the recovery. And no matter how many diapers dad changes, if mom supplies the food, then mom is preferred when baby wants to be carried.
Men know this isn't fair, and have known it for millenium. So, to compensate, they offered all women certain courtesies as a thanksgiving for future, present and past sacrifices made by women for all mankind (every man has a mom!). We call this chivalry. It's not sexist, it's polite behavior.
If my husband and his dad were in a downpour and one needed to run to get the car, my husband would go. His dad isn't feeble, but my husband would do it out of deference to his dad for being his dad and for being "elderly". That's politeness.
It's really nice having my husband treat me with the utmost in courtesies. It makes me feel special. And it makes up for all the times that I'm left to juggle the two littlest ones because they're happiest with me, while he gets to go off and do fun things with the older kids.
Michelle, thank you for your comments. I understand what you're saying and agree with you on some level. However, no one actually told me that life isn't fair, and it is my belief that things should be fair. And if they're not, I push back until indeed a balance is created. The reason I am pushing back on you, is I still think that an adult female, mother or not, should try to be as independent as possible. Relying on anyone, of course, creates dependence. I understand that a family unit is all about stability and working as a team. However, what if something happens and the team crumbles? Ideally, no one should have assigned roles. My point is, all females represent womankind - and it is my hope that each of us do our part to become a strong, independent woman.
Beth,
First of all, life isn't fair.
Secondly, fighting against unfairness is done by all good people all the time - that's social justice. But life is still not fair.
Thirdly, I felt much as you did about 15 years ago - before marriage, before kids. I have a BS in Civil Engineering. I worked a man's job in a man's world. I held my own. I never had a man (other than my father when I was a child) ever provide for me before my marriage and I made more money than my husband up until the day I quit...and he really didn't want me to quit because I made so much money.
Fourthly, I am a homeschool mother of 5 children, and I'm a military wife. My 4th child was born halfway through the year he was deployed. I mowed the lawn while pregnant with a toddler in a backpack, because I had to. If you're looking for strong and independant, when necessary, that's me.
But in a truly good marriage, there can not be independance. We are NOT a team - we are ONE! It's not split 50-50, it's each one does the job they are best suited to do.
I don't want to take up all Joel's comment space defending chivalry. Check out my blog - click on my name to get to the link. I live an unfettered life, and I love it.
There is much about your creedo that I like. My husband is a gentleman and would do anything to protect me, and he knows how to fix anything. Many men do need guidance in how to be respectful and live in harmony with women.
Yet your creedo carries suggestions of personal judgment in it. If men are as powerful as you say, please be fully knowledgeable of the effects that your statements could have, i.e. making blanket statements that suggest all men should behave the same way. Or else what, they're not "real" men? Not as acceptable? As lovable? It is often the feelings of non-acceptance and guilt that make men strike out and use their power in ways that harm or try to over-power others.
There are men that cannot overpower me. Your religion may be male-led but not all are or must be. Children can both appreciate AND imitate their mothers', as well as their fathers', spirituality. Finally, men talking through their feelings does not have to be neurotic. My husband and I simply would not get along if he didn't.
Be your ideal man. But please include the fact that others, if they are law-abiding, have a human right to be fully accepted, even appreciated, for living their own ideals.
I, too live an unfettered life, giving 100% along with my husband who gives 100% as well. We depend on each other so much, but our roles are definitely different. I'm with you, Michelle, I agree with all you have written....
I am a homeschooling Mom to 5, and while my DH is not in the military (God bless you and him!!) life still has it's challenges....
Have you ever read the book, "Wild at Heart"? It speaks exactly to what you are discussing...men need to be taught how to be manly in this feminine world today. Awesome read....
Thanks for the post.
now all I have to do is find a man like that.
that was so wonderfully written. thank you.
Joel,
YOU DA MAN! What a great post! I know you wrote this way back in March, but I just read it! Great writing, great truth, and sooo practical.
Thanks,
Doug
HEY! I was just describing this "real man" to my 22 year old little sister tonight! I'll have to give her this post as a guide to hang up in her room so she'll know it when she sees it! I already found one of those and he's going to work at 4:30 every morning with a happy attitude and playing with the kids and chatting with me as soon as he gets home every night. I love my real man. Thank you for posting about it and all.
P.S. Michelle is right on this one, and I'm not just saying that because she wrote a clerihew about me, either. I really would worry if my hubs started talking about his feelings and acting like my best girlfriend. I don't need my man to be my best girlfriend, I've got lots of those. I need him to be my MAN!
I needed this, so much. Thank you.
Two things that have always stood out in my mind about my own dad.
He always insisted that we treat our mother with the utmost consideration.
He always put his own needs last. Even at the dinner table, everyone (and there were nine of us kids) was served before he was. Eventually, we all learned to leave the best cuts of meat on the plate
so that they would still be there for him. And I do mean eventually.
Mona, I think I like your dad. He's got his priorities where they belong.
I know I like your name, as both my grandmother and my youngest daughter share it.
Thank you for your great writing. In a time when men are either compulsive womanizers or wimps, you share what the heart of a true man really is. Reminds me of my dad. He worked almost 80hrs a week for 3 boys and and a wife who loved him very much. Blessings on you!!
chris
Jumping the bandwagon a little late here.
...what about just being a considerate and thoughtful person? Courtesy is not limited to men and should be extended to everyone one meets regardless of gender and social status. It seems to me that this one simple attitude addresses the vast majority of the items on your list and is equally applicable to men and to women.
There was one other thing that bothered me. Are you trying to say here that women lack stability? I mean, the issue of religion aside, I find it rather absurd that you seem to be implying that a woman cannot hold a family together, or that a father cannot comfort his child.
I also find it somewhat strange that you seem to be saying that it's not a woman's job to do something as simple as go out into the rain to get the car or deal with screwy plumbing. If the man feels resentful of being obligated to do such things, it's not going to have a positive influence on the relationship at all. And what does this teach a girl? That she can't or shouldn't do things for herself? That doesn't seem to me to be conducive towards encouraging responsible development on either part.
I'm fairly sure that you really do mean well, but I just don't think this is particularly beneficial to men or women.
Haley, I raised a daughter alone for ten years. Certainly a man can comfort a child. Likewise, a woman can do most everything a man can, if she has to. Trouble is, too many young guys are getting the idea that equal means identical.
Men and women aren't identical. They're both designed in particular ways that complement each other. When they have to cross over and do the other's functions, they can do it, but it's not what they're designed for. It's like using a wrench as a hammer. I was a half-assed "mother," but I was all there was, so I did what I could.
My wife is considerably smarter than I am, and (judging from the last several childbirths) more rugged. If she had to, she could deal with plumbing or whatever else was necessary. (She was a single mother, too, and under worse circumstances than I had.) But what I'm saying goes beyond mere capability. Given the choice between a man who goes out in the rain to get the car, and one who figures she's just as able to do it herself, which do you think she'd have wanted to marry and have children with?
The current trend toward feminizing young men has left too many of them with the idea that they can leave all the traditionally manly roles to their wives or girlfriends, because after all, they're both equally capable. I want my sons to grow up to be the sort of men who will take care of their families without asking themselves how much they can slough off on the woman.
Sorry, Haley. I meant to address a couple more of your points, but I was called away to deal with children.
It seems to me that this one simple attitude addresses the vast majority of the items on your list and is equally applicable to men and to women.
It is, as far as it goes. But a man who is both courteous to everyone and particularly courteous to women is more likely to respect women under all circumstances. I challenge you to find me a wife-beater or a rapist who habitually opens doors for ladies.
If the man feels resentful of being obligated to do such things, it's not going to have a positive influence on the relationship at all.
If a man feels resentful at being obligated to do these things, then I didn't raise him. Resentment presupposes that there is some injustice in expecting him to take on (what I consider) masculine duties. The obligations I described are, I believe, part and parcel of being the man of the family; you might as well resent gravity. I hope none of my sons (I have four, and four daughters) come away with the idea that being a man is nothing but onerous duty. But I hope even more that they don't develop the idea that they have no obligation at all toward the women they love.
Equality without chivalry is what causes things like the Montreal Massacre. God grant that my sons wouldn't be the ones who obediently left the women to their fate.
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