Tell me what you really think.
I'm with you right down the line. I find myself feeling defensive at (sometimes) imagined criticisms of my children...and I do get such a thrill of pride whenever someone pays them a compliment.
I take it as a compliment for myself, even, once in awhile. 
I used to get terribly bent out of shape when people made remarks about my son...he's disabled, can't do anyting for himself, and there have been a few 'well-meaning' people who have recommended good homes for 'people like him'.
Now I've developed "The Look", which has the fabulous effect of making them drop their eyes and drop the subject, all at the same time. I've learned to realize that they think they're just trying to help me out...but unfortunately, that doesn't make it any easier to hear. *sigh*
My husband is much more sensitive than I am about comments on our kids. Of course, I love compliments. I never quite know how to respond though because my kids are great but not because of me. So if I say "thank you" I'm taking credit for something that I don't deserve and if I say "you're right" I just sound conceited. I ususally respond with something like, "They are such blessings in my life" or something that keeps the praies going the direction it was intended. (Or should have been!)
You lost me at the books and seminars.
That is not to say that I disagree with anything you said. I've never read a book on parenting, I've never been to a seminar, I've never even watched a talk show where the topic was parenting.
I've never seen Dr. Phil's show.
My kids are fine (and nearly adults) and my wife and I did it as rank amateurs.
Like you said, no one is an expert so who the hell are all of these people that are trying to tell us how to raise our kids?
My response to the lady with the dirty brats:
"No ma'am, what I meant to say is that your children seem to be doing very well considering their Mom is a bitch"
Ok...I probably wouldn't have actually said that but I would have done everything in my power to muster up a hellacious fart before parting company.
John, that would have been SWEET to say to the mother.
I feel sorry for her, really. It must be tough to have that much anger in you that you can't even see the beauty of your own kids. Or maybe she was just having a bad day.
The one thing I can't stand is advice from other people when it comes to my (just about 6 months) daughter.
I have this one friend who keeps on telling me that ohh, she must be hungry, if Monet is having a cry or ohh, she must be tired blah, blah, blah. I CAN'T STAND IT!!!! The thing is my friend hasn't even had a baby! What would she know? She hasn't gone through pregnancy, she hasn't had the pain and love of childbirth, she doesn't know what it was like to breastfeed a baby (she was absolutely horrified when I announced to my friend that I was going to wean Monet off!) and the list go on and on. One day I will have to tell her to really back off, either that or pay her back with really annoying comments when she has a baby.
I don't think you were out of line with that lady. Those poor children having a mother like that. I appreciate loving comments like those. Even if I am grumpy or whatever, whenever someone says that my child is beautiful I thank them and smile.
As someone who doesn't have kids, but has been an in-place caregiver, there is nothing more painful than hearing, "People who don't have kids don't understand."
I don't give advice unless asked. But often, I am by mothers I know. Because I am the eldest of 17 grandkids, seven years between me and the next oldest. And I have MANY second cousins. I watched them develop. I tried to step in when needed and showed them how to tie their shoes and walk down kindergarten aisle, how to draw and tell themselves the people saying mean things to them aren't nice, and that they don't have to listen. Lately, I've been telling my one cousin she doesn't need to sleep with a guy to make "sure" he loves her. I know about watching mentally handicapped kids grow up and that pigeon toe is most likely just your child getting used to longer and longer legs every second. I know that middle children out of three often feel left out and need stickers when they get good report cards, and attention and time especially when Mom and Dad are getting divorced.
And my Godson, whom I was lucky enough to spend three months with, feeding and caring for him and his brother while I worked full time?
I'm not going to say any of this made me a mother. But the pain of childbirth doesn't make you a "good" parent. The woman with the stroller proves that. The love that comes from it (or the simple pure love for a child you have a parental role with) does. My dad met me when I was three. HE is my father. Not some jack@$$ who showed up for the conception and the birth.
Also, for those with friends who bother them? They may want a child of their own. Many women blog who are trying to conceive. They see you have an incredible gift. And while they are annoying (and my own grandmother gives much unwanted advice to my aunts, so I see how upset they get, and understandably so), please understand that you most definitely have the better end of the deal.
In defense of the non-biological parents.
. . . and it was a very good defense. I stand corrected on many points. Thank you for that comment.
Yikes, sounds like the woman was having more than a rough day. There are certainly people that make rude comments to strangers but that woman made a rude comment to a nice stranger.
And I agree, we parents are making this all up as we go along.
Beautifully said. Those poor kids, mother too. I am sorry, but I want to give her a big kick in the pants and remind her that someday she will be old, toothless, and lonely.
In defense in what I said above, my friend is not thinking of having children yet and believe me when I say she is very annoying. If I want advice I ask for it. When she comes out and says things like 'ohh she must be hungry', how would she know? Didn't she just see me feed her half an hour ago? And when my baby had a little spew (as little babies do!) she was absolutely revolted by it and refused to even touch my baby for the rest of the time she was in our company.
My sister is childless and she is fantastic with my daughter, even though she doesn't want any of her own. I was not having a 'go' at childless people, I was more or less having a 'go' at my friend. Nuff said.
Thanks for the insight! Like I said, my one grandmother just doesn't have much of a mothering instinct. Which is bizarre, but there you are. Her advice drives her daughters INSANE. And rightly so, because my aunts have great kids!
I also know a lot of people my age who don't understand why their friends can't come out and play anymore because they have kids. I am babysitting for one of my friends tonight not becuase I need the money, but because she and her husband are expecting the third kid soon, and the oldest is three. They need the time off!
I agree with the whole thing. I think parents get so defensive is because there's so much conflicting advice on parenting, and in that advice is the underlying message, "Here's a million and one ways to mess your child up for life!" So when you've finally sorted through and figured out what seems to work for your little individual and someone questions it... well... you know. you're right about those who don't have children of their own, at least in my oppinion. We all go into having our own children with the same experience... none. Anyone can care for a child, but it's a whol other ball game raising a child, one that you and you alone are responsible for.
Before I had kids I had 11 theories on how to raise children...now I have 11 children and NO theories!
Yoga helps calm the mind and brings confidence regarding one's own instincts and intuition. It also brings equanimity and an open heart for dealing with struggling souls like that poor mama!
The shrinks sent me and I love your writing!
I'm glad S, C, and A sent me along.
glad i found you on SC&A!
Great post, and even greater comments!
Cheers!
Hi! What a great post and fits in perfectly with the "Parent Appreciation Festival" we have had going on over at our blog this week. WE want to spread the love and encourage parents to give each other a pat on the back and some good, old fashioned support.
I love your blog and your great writing and spot-on insights.
Great post!
I think the thing is, like you said, no two children are alike. Unless you're God, you cannot know how to deal with a child that you're seeing for the first time in your life, so keep your advice to yourself, buddy (I mean the generic "you", of course).
Sorry that the mother cut you off so badly. She was probably having a rough day. I've had those too (except I don't remember cussing at strangers).
I've also gone over and read some of the "drive-by" thread and it is truly awesome!
The shrinks have sent me along today, but I've been reading you for some time now. Like your blog!
When I was growing up, everyone told my mom she was raising me wrong.
My stepfathers best one was that his kids would never be like me, they would be better.
And lets see, they have kids out of wedlock(ok, I would have too, if not for the miscarriage thing that happened over and over), I'm the only one to have graduated high school, I've never done meth, I've never been an alcoholic, I've never been in rehab.
His sons did all that. and more. And I'm the eldest.
Anyhow, I really enjoyed your post, its one of the best I've read from someone who's read grrl's posts.
I loved her driveby that she got one day because she was drinking nyquil, and how bad it was for her pregnancy. Yup, cause you know it transferred over to Sarah, who is carrying the baby.
Well-said, Mamacita! I have added you to my blogroll.
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