Tell me what you really think.
Anything played with while people were over MUST be shared. I always told my girls that if they loved something very much and didn't want to share it so it didn't get broken, they had to put it away.
That way, they still shared, but they're favorite toys didn't get broken by someone else.
Kind of like having a car. If I drive it and scratch it, it feels totally different than if someone else borrows it and scratches it. No?
(BTW, I've never forgiven my brother for the Barbie incident.)
I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU!! My mother grew up without much privacy, so she could never, and still doesn't, understand my need for it. She didn't allow locked bedroom doors even after my baby sister wrecked my favorite stuff because "families don't lock each other out."
Mom required that both of us share everything or get the dreaded "selfish" speech. There is no worse crime in her book than selfishness, which she defines as any behavior not of the willing slave/doormat variety. In other words, wanting to protect yourself or your possessions is selfish and morally wrong.
Mom still can't understand why I don't hand my $400 iPhone to my clumsy, sticky-fingered three-year-old niece and let her play with it or why I hide my laptop when Little Miss Tornado comes to visit. Drives me nuts.
I had friends when I was little who were paddling the same boat you were, and I didn't get it then. I had my toys, my sisters had theirs, and we had to ask before we so much as blinked at each others' things. If I'd taken something of theirs without asking permission first, I've have been grounded before I could say "But..."
Parents who don't allow their children ownership rob them of learning boundaries, and of how it feels to willingly share--the good and the bad of it. There are a lot of trust issues with sharing, and kids need to learn about it from all sides...and how can tat happen if they're forced into it?
I had friends when I was little who were paddling the same boat you were, and I didn't get it then. I had my toys, my sisters had theirs, and we had to ask before we so much as blinked at each others' things. If I'd taken something of theirs without asking permission first, I've have been grounded before I could say "But..."
Parents who don't allow their children ownership rob them of learning boundaries, and of how it feels to willingly share--the good and the bad of it. There are a lot of trust issues with sharing, and kids need to learn about it from all sides...and how can tat happen if they're forced into it?
I purchased a locking doorknob for my closet door when my older sister failed to comprehend this lesson.
Much like Kris, things that my child chooses to play with in company (even if it's just her sister) must be shared. Selfishness is encouraged for precious things. But it can't be flaunted. That's impolite.
It's as though you are looking into my very soul.
One of my cousins (older boys) sat on my brand new Barbie, ON CHRISTMAS. Another, kicked a remote control dog, ON CHRISTMAS, and broke it. When my mom went to get me a new one they didn't have same breed any more. Neither ever apologized.
My sister and I shared and very rarely had too much trouble with that. We also had careful friends. So we lucked out on that front, too.
A few years ago my mom brought out some of my old books for an employee's kid and they took a few home without asking. I am still mad about that.
Fair is not always equal.
Our rule - if the toy is out it is to be shared. If it's put away, then it doesn't need to be shared - we do that for siblings and visiting friends. We don't allow locked doors (at least now that we trained the 2 year old to knock), but if the door is shut, you must knock - parents included in this rule. (we allowed locked doors - heck, we encouraged locked doors - before we got the little one trained!) These rules seem to cut down on the arguing and teach both respect for the others privacy/possessions and cleanliness (you didn't want the 2 year old to pull the hair off your doll? Why'd you leave it out in the yard? (and yes, the little one was taught not to destroy toys, but the older one had already been reminded to put away toys)
Oooh, I still remember when I got a cool bike (with a banana seat!) for Christmas/birthday and around Easter it was finally warm enough to actually ride it. (My birthday is in late December.) Anyway, I had been riding it before my family showed up and put it away before they got there (we didn't have a garage, so our "put away" was along the shed in the back side of the house). My cousin (who tended to break things when she felt like it because her mom spoiled her rotten) became nosy and was snooping around where she didn't belong. She wheeled my bike around front and asked her mom (my aunt) if she could ride it and my aunt gave her permission to ride MY BIKE. I protested and my cousin cried and my aunt told my mom I was being mean and tried to push her off the bike (I hadn't even touched her, only verbally told her to get off my bike), so I was grounded from my bike AND I had to let my cousin ride it. (And she scratched my brand new bike up and marked up the striped banana seat!)
I have never forgotten that, and I HATED my bike after that, simply because it wasn't new or shiny or mine anymore (to my young mind) and I had only ridden it once for a short while. I also at that point realized how much some of my family members felt entitled to things that weren't theirs and that they were willing to lie, etc. to get those things.
And you better believe that my cousins learned the lessons of their parents in those cases, too. If you teach your children that anything they want is theirs, they will live up to that and will someday probably get into trouble over taking something that isn't really theirs---and that they are definitely not entitled to.
jess
Wow! I am unsure of how to respond here! To each his own I suppose but I tend to think and live at the opposite side if the spectrum from you. I don't believe that children or anyone should be taught to find their security or foundation in things, stuff. And I don't at all agree that having ownership of stuff is a means to learn respect. In fact I would argue that giving, sharing, being liberal with those things we are blessed enough to posess creates a much better person.
Now, I don't live in a commune so I have possessions that are mine, and so does my son (2.5) some of these are prized and all are respected and looked after but none of them are 100% our own, to be kept under lock and key. To give and live and love would be to offer up that one thing that does mean the most to you. When we give and share we are to give our best, not that which we'd happy to toss out with the trash anyway.
I don't know you and this is my first glimpse into your blog but I have to say I am terribly disturbed by this post and think it highlights beautifully so much that is wrong with this materialistic nation of ours.
Well, I have to disagree.
I know we grew up 10 years apart (hehe), but here's the deal:
1) I was never allowed to touch your dolls. EVER. Maybe Mom was just protecting me from your raging wrath (see above blog
)
2)Mom and Dad never expected me to share my toys with company. I did it because only spoiled rotten brats would refuse to share toys--"special" or not-- with guests.
3)When a guest messed up a toy (i.e. my Raggedy Ann crayon face incident), Mom was just as upset as I was, often blaming herself. And Dad? Completely oblivious, of course.
4)"Are your child's toys his/her very own?" Um, as Judge Judy says, "As long as you live in my house, I own the air you breathe." In other words, I NEVER thought I owned anything in our house, unless I bought it with my own money. Mom and Dad owned my toys, and everything else I used, wore, and ate.
Most importantly, I guess, is this: I, too, had dolls and toys broken by bratty little relatives and houseguests from hell. And it bothered me a lot. I probably even cried and pouted. BUT I WAS 6 OR 7 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME. Now that I'm 45, I sincerely hope I'm able to put things in perspective a little better: that kid was out of control; I shouldn't have had the crayons out while we were playing with dolls; her mother was a barking moonbat, etc. Geez, Jane! I only hope that when you reach 45, you can let it go too. (Ha)
You know I love you, but...Geez, Jane!
Hey Other: why don't you weigh in on this one? I'd love to hear your perspective! (Were YOU the thief??)
I really liked this post. You gave me a new perspective on sharing. We've had a couple of incidents of rowdy kids coming through and breaking special toys. You've made me think about it more carefully. Thanks!!
Hi Annie,
I appreciate your follow up comment to mine. However, if you reread my comment you will see that I did not make any blanket judgments about this blog. In fact, I was very specific on the fact that I was commenting on THIS specific post with only knowledge of THIS specific post. I don't at all disagree that she (Mamacita) has amazing insight. I don't know enough to make that call and from this post I would agree, it was well written and obviously heartfelt. I do hope to read more and get a better sense for the content here, actually.
I simply did not agree with what I took away from my reading and chose to appropriately voice my opinion. You seem to have taken something different away (possibly because you are a regular reader) and that is ok isn't it?
Best,
Ashlee
My point exactly: if you buy the candy bar/toy/doll, then it's yours, to be selfish with (or not). If your parent buys it, then it's NOT yours.
Alright, Christina Crawford: who is making you cut your candy bar into pieces? I guess those wire hangers were good for something after all.
Blah blah, wahhhhhhh...!!
Your loving sis, who never opened your Shirley Temple doll case just to touch her curls...
This is brilliant, I agree!
I've always thought you were a little weird about the "own space" thing - but granted, I'm naturally wired to the opposite extreme, though not for the reasons you might think. I quickly discovered that I liked other people's things in addition to my own and that the best way to get access to them was to take a calculated risk and make my own stuff and space open to others. That way, I get twice the loot/space. If what's mine is yours, then what's yours is also mine and I end up with access to the things of two people instead of just one. And everyone just thought I was generous all those years.
So what if I now have absolutely no concept of which pots and pans and kitchen stuffs are mine or someone else's?
Agreed, and glad to see you got your blog back!
Mamacita, your post is turning into a real venting opportunity for a lot of mistreated former kids!
I changed my tune about this subject after Kay was born and I realized that even though it wasn't her fault that she tore everything up, I could not allow her to tear up her cousins' things as well. I could let her roam freely in my house, but I had to corral her in when visiting other people's homes. I hated doing that, when all the other kids were playing here and there, but Kay doesn't understand boundaries and when she wants something, she grabs for it. She always will, sigh. I no longer expect other people to understand this, because let's face it, it's not appropriate for anyone, even a special child, to run wild and grab and help herself to anything she wants. If I let her out of my sight, I know she'll be into something that's not hers to touch and someone will be angry and I'll be angry at their anger and it's a never-ending cycle. But I also realize, and many parents, especially the parents of specials, don't realize this, that just because our children ARE special, they're not going to be welcome outside their own threshhold if we don't somehow keep them from destroying things that don't belong to them. For Kay, that means keeping her close to me every second when we are visiting. For others, it might mean following them around or even paying someone in the family to follow them around. Lucky parents have a volunteer cousin, etc, to keep track of the special. Ultimately, though, it's the child's parents who are responsible for the child's actions. Kay has broken more fragile things in stores and other people's homes than I can count, and she's obsessed with jewelry. If I lose sight of her for one second, I know she'll be in my hostess' bedroom, draping herself in necklaces and scarves. This does not make for popularity. It does no good to punish Kay, for she doesn't understand. Yet, hostesses continue to wax indignant when I don't. There is no way for anybody who isn't in my situation to understand, but I do try, really I do. When Kay is 30, we are putting her in a group home and going away on a second honeymoon. My husband is counting the minutes, and that makes me cry.
I'm just counting the days.
When Kay grabs and breaks things, I do apologize, and I replace it if I can. Some things are irreplaceable, I know, and inevitably those are the very things Kay somehow finds. My family and friends continue to invite us over, and for this I am eternally grateful, even though I can't enjoy myself as the others do. Just to be included means a lot. If any of them are reading this, which I doubt, I thank you for wanting to stay connected. I know it's hard, having Kay in your house. She's in mine 24/7, and I have very few pretty things left. We are not lenient or lax, but nothing matters to Kay because she has no intellect to speak of. PUnishment? slap on the wrist? Raised voices? NOthing matters to her except her goal of the moment, which is probably your or your child's most precious possession. I'm so sorry.
Mamacita was my teacher in junior high. I came to school with nothing, no pencils, nothing, and she took me shopping and bought me beautiful school supplies and a fantastic binder that I still have and use, and told me they were mine and to take good care of them. She got me pencils with my name on them so my brothers couldn't steal them without getting bagged. I had scissors, and tape, and a little red stapler, and these gorgous pens with flowers on them, and brand new erasers that smelled like candy. She kept refills for my pen in her desk. She took me to Penney's and had my hair cut and styled, and she bought me underwear and a dress and jeans and a couple of shirts and gym shoes. She bought me shamppoo and taught me how to use it right, and a little travel size toothbrush and toothpaste tube to keep in my room. She kept tampons and pads in her bottom file cabinet drawer for me and other girls. She kept peanut butter, jelly, and bread behind the bookcase so I would always have something for lunch. I can't think of her or junior high without almost crying because she was so kind to me, like she KNEW I needed something of my own. I needed that so bad! She understood that and gave me stuff of my own. I used that binder all through high school and now I'm in junior college and still using it. I love to read this blog because she's still the same kind lady who saw a raggedy little girl like me and made me feel like a princess. I hope you remember me, I'm Jessica, with the locker that had the bent opener?
I'm sorry, but I feel compelled to weigh in one more time. We are talking about "things" here, aren't we? Possessions? I hope I am misreading when I gather that some folks are holding on to isolated incidents (that happened decades ago), and still letting those bring on raw feelings of hurt, mistrust, abandonment, and even dislike of a sibling or parent. Perhaps if we would all expend as much energy healing some of our broken relationships as we have holding onto memories of who did what to whose toy (not to mention the energy it takes to be the victim of such "unspeakable" crime for 40 years), then we would all be better off. I think Ashlee had a good point (as unpopular as it seems to be around here!). And SpecialK, hang in there. You are not alone. I would gladly share my dolls--and my necklaces-- with little K if you visited my house.
Ashlee and TS are, of course, quite correct. However, I know first hand that it sometimes requires an apology and an admission of wrongdoing, even years later, from the person who played fast and loose with someone else's possessions or privacy. Then and only then is the slate really clean, and when the slate is clean, it's a lot easier to laugh over things. When I discovered that my brother genuinely resented my snooping and breaking of thirty-five years ago, things I referred to as "antics," I was quick to apologize for being insensitive to his feelings and sneaky with his possessions. I was just a kid, and I really didn't realize how much I had hurt him.
I've read some of the stories above and I really think that some are missing the point of the stories. For some (like me, as I have a great relationship with my mother and don't see my aunt or cousin because they are mixed up in OTHER things I don't want to get involved in, which doesn't include riding other people's bikes but are much, much worse), I can definitely see that the stories are just a small, small part of a larger novel that the rest of us aren't privy to. Just as my story is just about a bike that I had wanted for so long, the reason I don't talk to my aunt or cousin is much, much deeper and darker (and a decision I made solely as an adult, many years later). I highly doubt anyone could or would say, "This one instance in my life of my mom/sister/dad/brother/cousin/whatever taking my stuff without my permission or letting someone else do it is the only reason I don't talk to them." No. Instead, that one instance is more likely a breaking point or a turning point in a series of many, many instances of disrespect that this person suffered at the hand of the other person. For the person whose dress was ruined, she even mentions that it was one in a long line of terrible things perpetrated upon her by her family, but it was just the thing that sticks out as being THE action that drove the point home: They didn't respect her.
It's not about the THINGS so much as it's about respect. If you can take someone else's stuff and break it without batting an eyelash about it (and don't apologize for doing so), then you are showing your total lack of respect for that person.
Re-read Jessica's story above, please. Yeah, material possessions are not nearly so important as the people in our lives, but when the people in our lives are disrespectful of US, many times it shows in how they treat our things. If your siblings are willing to take your items and break them or use them as their own without permission (especially if they were gifts especially for you or if you purchased them yourself), then they obviously have no respect for your personal space. I'd venture to guess that those same people who did those things are also people who were disrespectful in other ways. For instance, my cousin always had to have her own way and would rant and carry on when she didn't. She would hit others if they didn't do what she wanted (or sit on them, literally) and she grew up to be the same way: She would steal from and hurt others to get what she wanted.
I don't have ill feelings only because of the bike, but the bike is the instance in which I realized what kind of people my aunt and cousin truly were.
(This does NOT apply to children like Kay, as I definitely understand that she isn't able to think this through. SPECIALKMOM, YOU are wonderful for realizing how other people can perceive this and for understanding that your daughter can't think those things through herself and for taking it upon yourself to keep an eye on her. Just the act of apologizing for anything she might break is more than other people with "normal" kids DON'T DO. I've found that just the apology is often what other people want when something is broken. It shows a regard that so many people these days seem to have lost. I commend you for that and will keep you, your husband, and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers. Your words have touched me deeply and have shown me that there are still some truly wonderful people out there.)
I had no idea of what a can of worms I would be opening up with this post!
The intent of the post was simply to express my opinion that all children should have a few things of their very own, things which nobody else had any right to bother. I always get upset at this time of year because of all the schools that require all the children to dump their carefully-selected belongings into community buckets, and I will always believe that is a cruel and horrible practice. Somehow it exploded into some kind of psychiatrist's couch for people who are reading all kinds of other meanings into it, and while I agree completely with parts of what everybody is saying, I also tend to side with Jess when she says it's not really about the material object; it's about the lack of respect.
This post was NOT aimed at anybody in particular, and reading between the lines will only lead to misinterpretation and wrongful judgments. The post is about kids who have a right to their own things, at home and at school, and I really think that all of these people who are still holding on to childhood incidents of being treated disrespectfully by people need to let it go. Myself included! Seriously? I used my doll just as an example, never dreaming it would conjure up this kind of response from people.
I do, however, stand firmly by my opinion that all children should have something of their very own, and that everybody else should RESPECT that and keep their hands off it. Perhaps the world would be able to relax and be more willing to share, if people stopped grabbing and asked nicely first.
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