your thoughts are most welcome...
i can only think there must be something wrong with me
NO! Period.
I worked for the IRS last year- night shift processing tax returns. I could not believe some of the things I heard, the jokes- incredibly vulgar, etc. I just stayed out of it. I would change the subject or walk away. It took time but I did find people that did not engage in that type of humor, language or I just engaged people in wholesome things- family, children, Sometimes you find that the people who do not want to be friendly with you- aren't worthwhile anyway. I wouldn't pursue anyone just smile and be polite and pour any loneliness into your family or doing for those who need a friend. I also found that when people needed someone they could trust they would come to me. Hang in there.
I should send you a Hallmark card perhaps? ;-) {I know you get that and thanks for what you said on my recent post}
Marc Chagall, one of my favorite artists. But that doesn't help either. I just read what Mary wrote in the comment above and I an only add an amen from the amen corner. She's right. It's sorta like the blogosphere...
And her advice about family, yeh, I have been doing exactly that.
Peace be with you.
O
I don't suppose there is anything wrong with you Pen.. Outside of my husband... there is no "best friend". It hurts to admit it.. but it's the truth. It's how it has always been for me, and despite 20 some years of it, it still hurts.
The loneliness is the worst.. but in that loneliness I've come to Him closer than I ever have.
I've also learned that friendship isn't all it's cracked up to be, and if the friendships I've witnessed over the years are what friendships are like, then I'll take Him over that any day. Despite the loneliness.
-hugs-
I guess I just wanted to say, in a roundabout way, that I understand, and I'm sorry, and I wish I had some advice, but I don't.
Believe it or not, and I hate to admit it, I feel the same way at church sometimes...lonely in a crowd, an outsider. The beautiful people talk to the other beautiful people. I talk to my children, and say a little "Hi" to the very few people I've met teaching in the nursery. Strange isn't it?
And adding to your CNS situation is vulgarity present in the hospital environment. A friend of mine is an ER doc and says the only thing talked about is sex. She spends lotsa time in her office alone when not treating patients. At continuing ed conferences, she sits alone and dashes out as soon as it's over. Otherwise, she'd be among all the "players".
Way back when I was a ps teacher, I couldn't stand how the other teachers talked so badly about the children and parents, so I ate with a clean cut secretary, and kept to myself mostly.
My dh has one true friend at work among 40 people. He and his buddy decided after years of frustration with other crew members to bid for the same schedule and my man is a happier guy for it. Funny how one friend makes such a huge difference.
So, my prayers go up for you to find your own quiet space or an honest to goodness friend at your work. Twelve hours is a long time to fill.
You might want to read thicketdweller's post from yesterday at todayslessons.blogspot.com. She had great "thinking" questions about friendship.
The only thing I can think of is that you could use the "lonely" time for some pausing in your otherwise completely full life. Most people don't have real friendships, they just fill in with aquaintances, and share absolutely nothing intimate. You are craving intimacy, and I only know one place to get that absoulutly for sure. You know. Fr. Corapi says, "The older I get, the more I feel like an exile, that I don't belong here. And I don't. I was made for heaven, and my heart is longing for it." I think you are similarly created. Go deep in the loneliness, and find The One who will fill you. I will pray for soothing of your soul. Blessings!
I have one 'true friend', the kind you can call at 3am when the world seems to be crashing down around you. However we are now +100 miles apart so we don't spend much time together except by phone. My husband and I don't go out out with other couples either but hang out with each other and the boys. I think this is 'normal' for most people. I liked truevyne's comment about being lonely at church where the beautiful people only talked to the other beautiful people. I got so lonely but ended up changing churches to where I am truly fed and having friendly people around is an added bonus. On a practical note when it is quiet in your department could you float other areas? Most med/surg units would be thrilled to have extra set of hands and the time usually flies by. Crude,rude conversations seem to be a fairly normal part of nursing unfortunately, and it seems to happen no matter what area you work. I don't know if it's a sick way to relieve stress at work but your experience is not isolated. I have a few 'friends' at work but I wonder if I no longer worked with them would we still have any thing in common? I also wonder if hanging around blogs is my substitue for finding companionship too? Anyway I have no answers for you but you're in my prayers and I hope you find what you're seeking!!
I can totally sympathize. I'm sort of cut off from 'the world' now as a SAHM but there is nothing like the loneliness that I felt in the work place. I whole heartedly agree with Renee in the post above...I think some of us just yearn for a deeper intimacy then others. I think that if you pray over this the Lord can absolutely bring 'Holy' friends into your life...but I think the key is to stay true to yourself and the right people will be attracted to that.
I can sympathize too. I was a member of a thriving parish and felt lonely in the crowd. Sometimes I would cry on the way home from mass because I felt so lonely. I changed parishes and immediately was approached by a woman (we knew each other from serving on a Board) who is becoming a very good friend. She asked me to sit with her at mass. She has started a small faith group and I am a part of that. In our last small group meeting, we all resolved to search out after mass those who simply need the "gaze of love" that our beloved Pope talks about in Deus Caritas Est, and not just talk to one another. Our parish is going to start a renewal program with small groups this coming year. Also, I've not worked in a hospital, but I am a member of the Board of a hospital, and serve there also as a Eucharistic Minister. I know that hospital work environments can be tough. I also am an employment lawyer, and can tell you that your co-employees' behavior could be creating a hostile environment, and is probably against the hospital's personnel policies. So you do not want to join in. I would do as Mary and others have said. Do not try to please others by acquiescing in their behavior. Be who you are. If you ask God, I am confident he will bring people into your life who will be your friends. In the meantime, take some action steps as they come available to you.
(((Penni)))
You are loved by Him and that is enough. Truly. I'm sorry that you are feeling rejected by your friend or feel you don't fit in - both are quite possibly true and it hurts - but what does God want from this. He wants you to trust Him and to get closer to Him and receive from Him, even through other people. It's part of being the body of Christ and the part I hate. I hate feeling so wounded and vulnerable, I hate depending on others. but it's right where He wants me.
I commend you for your honesty here. All I can promise is that He will work on your heart because He loves you. Part of that work is becoming EVEN more Him centred, so that people's unkindness will register but lose its sting. That's real forgiveness.
This is the second time you've complained about being bored in your new job. May I make a suggestion? Ask God how he would have you use that time. I think He's got a wonderful task and surprise for you.
My prayers and my love for you dear friend. He will never let you down!
I think loneliness is always hard because it sneaks up on you and makes you feel less than worthy. And it's so hard to make new relationships, especially as you get older, and people feel they are "all set" and don't need anyone new or don't have time to invest. And yet we, as Christians, are called to love others, our neighbors, our co-workers, anyway. And loving hurts because it costs you something. I think in some small way it is a way of participating in Christ's sufferings.
Blessings and a cyber-hug,
I know where you are coming from. I worked as a secretary for 6 years and a good friend was hard to find. I was alone alot. I had one friend that I related to and went to lunch with, but I can't say she was a best friend. I think best friends are rare. Somewhere in the bible in the old testament it says "If you find one good friend in a thousand you are fortunate". It's worded someway like that. My best friends are Jesus, my husband, my mom and dad, my sister and of course my children are everything to me. That's the circle I hold close to me. I have plenty of acquantances, but no best friends outside of my family. I found being out in the working world was hard, just for the very same reasons you mentioned. With all the gossip and well...unmentionables that go on you really feel like an outsider. Here's a ((big hug)) martha, you are not alone!
Lori
I'm sorry Penni, I meant to say Here's a ((big hug)) Penni, not martha (the name of your blog) LOL!
Lori
Shake the dust off your feet, girl. Sometimes we ask too much from folks. We set ourselves up. There are so many people working around you. Accept the small gifts they each can give you. Don't hold out for THE FRIEND. Hurt makes us very shortsighted.
I hope you find what you need.
These are natural feelings. But to change who you are to gain those friendships is certainly not worth the cost.
God bless you, sister in Him
Penni, I've been reading your blog for quite a while. I hope this doesn't sound presumptuous, but I believe you are being led down the long, often lonely road of the lay contemplative. Loneliness/isolation/"not-fitting-in" is a major part of that journey. Some days you will rant against it; some days you will be resigned to it; some days you will embrace it. It can be frightening to know He wants you to rely solely on Him - you may find yourself some nights begging and pleading with Him for a human being who understands. Try to give Him this loneliness minute by minute. Unite it with His, and continue in contemplative prayer. Deep inside, I think you know you are not meant to "fit in". Have you ever been truly helped, on a spiritual level, by anyone who "fit in"?
Penni, dear one. There is nothing wrong with you. Let me direct your attention to your Meyer's Briggs Temperament Sorter. It is the exact one that I use with all of my clients and the most accurate of all such tests.
Of all the ISFJ's I know, what you are sad about is their common struggle. It comes with the territory.
You are a lovely lady and I love your temperament. I wish we were closer, I'd spend a lot of "face time" with you.
Hugs.
Maybe someone else has said this, if so forgive my repitition. But maybe you are called to stand up in situations and not let some of these things continue. Maybe part of your calling in this new job is to balance the negative. Keeping "it" to yourself isn't furthering God's kingdom and certainly isn't doing anything for your own sanity. Remember as a kid (I do at least) being afraid to go off the BIG diving board but also hated being made fun of by those that dared!
I don't think that you should condone(sp?) what these people do but you definately have the right to voice your obstenance to it. And if the opportunity doesn't present itself at the moment to state your opinion . . . wait a time will come when your voice can and should be heard.
I will pray for you and know that it must be hard.
God Bless
i am always so overwhelmed by the responses when i post something i am struggling with and then do not revisit it for the entire day, other than to read bits and pieces. it is almost like i light a little firecracker and then turn my head and cover my ears, fearful of the result.
i should learn to "be not afraid."
there are bits and pieces of everything i have just read that are important and pertinent to my situation. i actually ended up having lunch with my best friend yesterday and the first things she said was "you have been crying!" and the second was "your whole countenance is so sad...tell me!" so i told her. she was warm and reassuring and wise and she knows me so well about how i usually want to react to things that hurt -- reach for my *sin* -- and how much of a struggle it is to not reach for that particular *thing* -- because my ego has been bruised. once i realized that this boiled down to ego (the friendship part), i was in a much better place. thank you, God :)
she echoed what so many of you have said and gabrielle, not to single you out, but i think you are right: i feel more drawn to the contemplatives than ever! what i just went throug i call "raft" experiences with God (i have for years) - He will sometimes pull me away from everyone and everything, at times even in a crowded room, wherein i feel as though there is nobody in the world who understands me in the very least and He wants me to rely solely on Him, akin to floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean. it was a vision He even showed me in prayer.
the raft experiences vary in duration, but they always have the same end result: i eventually am reconciled to this pulling away, seek more of Him through prayer and spiritual reading, and find i am in a different place even if it only feels like it is one small layer at a time.
all of your words are like a soothing balm. all of them and i thank you, most humbly. where the evil one would tell me i am not worthy of such friendships, God apparently thinks that i am and He sent you in as part of the aid to my consolations.
i also know one thing i did not do when i was in the midst of the down-time chaos: i did not steal away to a prayer closet (there are plenty!) to give it over to Him. i allowed it to envelope me instead and instead of rising above it all or having peace in the midst of it all, i was overcome by it.
i am still learning :)
As a writer, I often find myself observing rather than participating... in my own head I call this "a talent for lonliness," but at dark times I only wish for a friend and a friendly touch and a friendly word that isn't coming.
I know it doesn't help, but you are not alone.
My Dear Sister and Friend in Christ,
I recall being many years ago at a talk given by Mother Theresa where she spoke about the immense pain and struggle of loneliness - something that, as with all things, Jesus Himself embraced for us.
As I have mentioned before, as acute as your suffering is, you willingness to be open about your struggles is indeed a true act of charity and solidarity with countless others who suffer for you help them become unashamed and know they, like yourself, are truly not alone.
May Our Lady, Joy of all who sorrow, wrap you in the mantle of her love and reassure you that, in truth, you have many friends and I am honoured to be among them.
In Jesus and Mary,
Fr. Joseph
I love Marc Chagall's work!
I hope this will sound supportive rather than critical, because it's meant simply to share an idea that has helped me: I have gotten in spots where I have to go through similar kinds of thinking, where I feel lonely and ugly and unwanted. As I've prayed at those times, the message has come from God very clearly that I need to get out of my circular, self-centered thoughts and simply serve someone. I look around and, lo! There is someone very much needing my caring, service or support. Often more than one.
Is it possible that someone there at work needs that from you? They might even end up being a good friend, although I've found that's not guaranteed.
I always have the same problem in work situations. Most work situations from a little pit of negativity, full of complaining, back stabbing, and wallowing in mutual misery.
I've seen it everywhere I go. And like you I stand a part from it--and I suffer socially.
But always--there is one person that slowly emerges from the wood panelling that shares our feelings. It takes time.
I think, in time, you will find someone at work who will become a friend.
It almost always happens.
It just takes patience and time.
I'll pray for you--I've been lonely lately, too.
Penni,
We all feel a loneliness in our lives that cannot be completely satisfied with human friendship or companionship. It is a natural part of life.
You seem to attract many friends online who share your faith and your interests -- that should be confirmation that there is nothing wrong with you. You are truly blessed!
However, I know what you mean about having someone there in the flesh to have human contact with -- to hear their voice, to touch them, see them, to be in their presence.
Can you make plans to meet with your best friend or just give her a call? That would certainly lift your spirits.
The way our society is set up today it is difficult to make new friends because people fill their lives with so many activities.
And, if you are working 12 hour days, I can see where it would be difficult to make friends outside of work.
I have worked in several different jobs over the years and had acquaintances and professional colleagues at work that I got along with and spent time with outside of work, but the best friends I had came along when I wasn't really looking for them -- God found them for me.
It usually happened when I pursued my own interests and ministries within my parish or diocesan setting.
I met a wonderful friend while making a Cursillo weekend and another close friend through our parish choir. I made some wonderful friends through the pro-life movement who shared similar values and interests.
I don't know what your gifts are, but when you pursue the things you love and use your gifts to serve others (without recompense) beautiful things happen in your life. God brings so much good out of suffering. The fact that you're experiencing this suffering (loneliness) now could be God trying to tell you that there are others out there who are just as lonely or maybe even lonelier than you. What does He want you to do to alleviate their loneliness? How does He want to use you to make others feel less lonely? How does He want you to respond to this suffering in others?
When I have a problem like this, I talk it over with Him in Eucharistic Adoration and He usually speaks to me in the silence of my heart.
Praying for you,
Jean
P.S. Just be yourself -- you seem like a lovely person -- and feel good about the person you are and the person God created you to be.
Penni, thanks for your honesty and insightful writing. Look at how many people share your situation and feelings. I was thinking the same as Carolyn. A person who is ISFJ will not have many friends. That is not the nature. The preference is for a selected few and then to go deep and show lots of loyalty. Also, to a degree, it is very good that you can't relate to that empty or destructive talk. You are filled with the Holy Spirit, there's no room for many of those bad conversations. God bless you! You are very much loved by all of us.
I have very few real close friendships. I just have the hardest time letting people in for fear of getting hurt.
Don't be crushed when someone hurts you.
Maggie
(((hugs)))
I'm right there with ya.
I've never been good at the casual workplace chatter. I've been lonely pretty much all of my life. I've come to accept that this is who God made me to be. I don't have any words of wisdom, no pearls of advice, other than the ones I heard over and over from my sainted mother in law - "Offer it up". Offer up your loneliness for the mom struggling to decide to carry her baby to term, offer it up for the nurses who have been so burnt out and jaded that they don't even see it in themselves, offer it up for the poor souls in Purgatory - offer it up for your own soul!
It is really hard for an introverted person to find a foothold in the aggressive atmosphere of an American hospital.
You haven't been there long enough to realize that the slow spells on L&D are so very rare that the tendency is to slack off rather than get prepared for the next surge. It may not be right, but when you've had a month where every shift you are struggling to find time to pee (let alone take care of other needs) it can be so tempting to just say "Comp time" and goof off. Not that this is right, but it is so very human.....
No matter who you are and what you do, you will at times feel loneliness. It's true for all of us. It's part of the human condition. Hang in there, we need you.
Wish I lived closer, I think I'd like to be your friend. I also don't have many. I always feel like the odd duck. In my profession, I'm one of the few women in a high position. In my home, I'm surrounded by men. At church, I don't quite fit with the other church ladies. Maybe I am very adept at drawing a box around myself, maybe I always find the one thing that makes me feel different from the crowd?
My hobbies are mostly quite solitary. I enjoy reading and knitting and spinning and quilting. I have all but stopped attending quilting and spinning and knitting meetings. Because I can't hold up my end of the conversation when people discuss their intimate lives, or the latest reality tv shows.
My husband is even more reclusive than I am. I worry that I am really his only friend in the world. I am beginning to think we will retire to a quiet secluded place and venture into town very seldom. It scares me sometimes. At other times, I long for it.
Middle age maybe? Have you read the feminist literature about the drive to spend time in isolation at midlife?
Peace, big hugs, lots of love, and extra-yummy chocolate to you.
But especially the peace & hugs.
123880 61939a07df
Commenting by HaloScan
