your thoughts are most welcome...
Hi Penni,
Your comment about not always using the same good advice you give to others, made me think of the advice that is great (but that I fail to do also), and that is ask for accountability - some real, honest, mature wisdom from someone who is close to us, and knows us well, as a mentor
What I do have is a small, weekly group of ladies whom I have met with to read and discuss a book (usually about our Christian walk) and PRAY for each other. This seems to be my perfect fit (comfort-wise) -- not just trying to go-it-alone, but joining in fellowship as the Lord intended for us. Blessings on your week -- and thanks for your insight,
Wow, 15 months...from this end it doesn't seem that long, though I understand how from your end it seems all of that and more. God bless you for keeping on!
Your post sparks a memory:
Way back when, when I was a pastor, one of the deacons (a term used differently than in the Catholic sense), a recovering alcoholic, told me that though he'd be dry for two years (and I recall the last straw night when I got called to the house where Debbie had two cars packed, one with their kids and luggage and one with only his luggage and she said, you can get in that car and go to Brentwood - a detox center - or I can get in this car and that will be the end of us) but he still suffered from "stinkin' thinkin'." At the time, I had never heard the term but he explained it clear enough and when he did I thought, you know, I've never had a drinking problem (in fact, in those Pentecostal days I was a total tea totaler) but I certainly had baggage and without a doubt I had my own kind of stink'in thinkin'. I still do, though my God, my religion and myself are doing a better job of helping me live above the emotional poverty line these days. I don't know where my former deacon is, physically, spiritually or emotionally. He was one of those walking statistic guys. I hope he had a sponsor like you because maybe he's still making it today.
My new physical illness (acute pancreatits) means I am back to being a total tea totaler (though drinking had nothing to do with my illness as I was always classified as a non drinker since I drank so little). I can't even receive the Blood (no problem, the Host has got it all covered). My new illness has slowed me down all the more and is making me take stalk, damn it, again. There's still some stinkin' thinkin' there but between Confessor and Social Worker and my sketchbook and Mass something seems to be moving in the right direction. Occasionally I even take my own advice.
Gosh, I used up a lot of space here pen. Bless you and brotherly love...
thank you sharon, for *getting me*! it is so nice to know i am not alone.
my litmus test has recently been "am i the woman my daughter thinks i am?" and is now venturing over to "am i the sponsor i would want?" factors into my thinking as well as my behavior.
o, thank you for sharing (we say that all the time in the rooms) and yes, i agree that "stinkin' thinkin'" isn't AA-exclusive! we do a lot of time in our heads, which is a bad place to be for most alcoholics because we have the tendency to finally convince ourselves that picking up a drink (or substance of choice) would be a viable option to the whatever it is [pain, happiness, sadness, anxiety, emotion o' the day] we are about to endure. non-alcoholics already have tools in place, i.e., your confessor, social worker, sketchpad to help you muddle through that emotion or situation, event.
i had some of those in place prior to stopping drinking, however, i could also see where i was turning to a glass of wine not simply because it was dinner time and we were having pasta, but that it was because i 'needed' it, 'deserved' it, 'wanted' it and could justify every reason behind it. i was on a slippery slope and recognize now that justification was my rationalization for unacceptable behavior in my case.
i just came across a quote from sue monk kidd that i love and want to share: "The escape hatches people create in attempts to avoid or numb pain can actually be worse than the experience of pain they sought to avoid."
how true.
I am the queen of rationalization.
I am sure if I could dig through the clutter in my in my closet I would be able to find my crown.
I love what you say at the end.
Hi Penni - I have followed your blog for over a year but never posted. I love your test: "am i the woman my daughter thinks i am?" I often think about how I loved my much-adored Nana and ask myself if my granddaughters will have reason to feel the same way about me. Same sort of thing, good to ask ourselves from time to time.
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