your thoughts are most welcome...
I read your blog to get insight into how to deal with my son. My son is 28 and it took over ten years for me to get him into AA.
It has been a daily battle over that time. I have had him arrested off my front porch. I have refused to bail him out of jail or to rescue him when he was living homeless. I have spent huge amounts of financial and emotional resources in the massive effort to stop him from drinking.
I have attended AA meetings and Al-Anon online meetings in an effort to find how how he thinks and what I can do to stop his drinking and give him the help he needs. I suspect you have a good idea of what I have gone through.
I say all this as background for my comments.
Remember Step 1?
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
Al-anon's Step 1 is similar. Most people in Al-anon start out by attempting to stop the alcoholic from drinking. Alas, Step One says that we are powerless to do that. It can take us Al-Anoners a very long time to grasp all of the implications of Step 1.
I think this Step 1 has a concept that is broader than alcohol or alcohol co-dependency. To a large degree, we are powerless to control other people's actions in almost any respect. We are powerless to fix things for other people. We are powerless to help other people who reject our help. We are usually powerless to control other people's feelings.
It is not pleasant to realize I have no power over my son's drinking.
I am one of those who plan out every move very carefully. I have had to learn the hard way my planning may in fact be harmful and counter-productive. My son's last efforts to live at home ended in a handcuffed departure. He left a stack of AA coins in his room collected over a two year period--no coin was longer than 60 days.
I don't need a 60 day or even a 1 year coin. I keep one of his 24 hour coins in my wallet to remind me that I must struggle today, right here, right now, "To accept the things I cannot change." My inability to do that can be a dis-ease as disabling as alcoholism.
It is as hard for me to keep that in mind for 24 hours as is is for him to not drink for 24 hours. That's why I keep his coin. I need reminding.
Ineed reminding that I can't stop his behavior. All I can do is keep myself "sober" and abandon my efforts to change the things I cannot change. Brick walls are hard and I will break my head by repeatedly slamming it into brick walls. My own efforts to control him can be as harmful to both of us as his drinking has been.
No judgment here. I do have moody teenagers swallowing me up, but not as old as yours- so I imagine your wisdom goes much deeper than mine. I'll give my current thoughts pertaining to myself as a mom of teens lately. Occasionally I say to myself in the good moments, "Make sure to make myself fun to be around. Be irresistable." It may be easier with boys (dunno) to lure with brownies, icecream, or popcorn to an impromtu party to watch Forrest Gump or Dark Knight. Or, "I'm dying for a bike ride. Any takers?" It's rare that I'm turned down as long as things are not tense. I wouldn't dare ask then cause I might get my head bitten off!
And I say no worries about the jacket. Her body, her temperature preference.
You are an authentic person. I know you work hard on all your stuff. I have no doubt in your unshakable love for your daughter.
Sigh...your post really spoke to me. I have a teenage son in his last year of high school. He is high drama...all the time. Ornery with his younger brother, rude to me and, occasionally, to his father, and constantly argumentative. Life apparently should revolve around him and his needs. He is the ONLY student in his school with acne. He has NO JEANS. He NEVER starts fights with his brother.
He is a good student and hasn't been in trouble outside of the house. He is generally responsible and trustworthy. My mom and siblings think he's the greatest.
I have been reduced to tears many times by his rudeness. When he's away for a few days, the house has felt peaceful and calm. Frankly, I am looking forward to his leaving for university in the fall. Maybe his life has been TOO good. Maybe we pampered him too much...
He is my first child. I love him desperately. But he is not easy to be around these days. I know that he has some anxiety issues, but I have been unable to get him to get some professional help....he won't go.
Anyway....no advice. Things seem to improve after he goes to confession, but it doesn't happen often. Or when his father speaks with him, admonishing him for being rude to me. The two times I've started tearing up in his presence were a wake-up call for sure. But maybe it's just a question of growing up (on his part, LOL!)
Peace, Penni.
"she just texted an apology for being so "salty." i told her i didn't know what to do for her; she said "neither do i."
Work with what you have. Don't try to work with what you don't have.
That's it. That's all I got. That and a prayer.
You're in a very tough situation, teenagers are tough sometimes. I have 3 teens of my own, my oldest is 18, and I teach high school, so I'm around teens a lot, but I'm no expert.
My advice is to pick your battles with her. The hoodie was nothing to battle about -- she gets natural consequences for not wearing it -- she gets cold and possibly sicker. She learns, and a lot of times it's better if she learns on her own, not from you.
You can't fix her or her problems. You can listen, suggest, guide her if she wants to be guided, but you can't take care of these problems for her. You can try to give her opportunities to get better and feel better and make better decisions -- I think finding another therapist is a great idea. Try not to be overwhelmed about it, take steps towards finding one. You can ask her school for ideas, or maybe your therapist recommends someone. She probably rebelled against your therapist because it's YOUR therapist, so she must be working for you in some way!
You know, some teens just are hell on wheels for a couple years, and they need to grow up. It's really hard to weather all these storms. Focus on yourself as much as you can. Be good to yourself. Let go of the guilt. Work the first 3 steps really hard in this situation -- you are powerless over her, there is a God that can help you with this, let Him help you. Surround yourself with people that love and support you.
I went to Alanon for several years, and I think a lot of their literature is relevant to parents of teenagers, whether they have addiction problems or not. You might try checking out a One Day at a Time, they're usually at the local library, or look up Alanon online and order a copy. Reading these can redirect your thoughts and help you think more positively about yourself and the whole situation.
I hope this helps. Take care and God bless.
you are all wonderful souls. all of you.
i want to be clear: while she has had one round of "drinking too much," i don't believe she has a problem with alcohol. she is around it at parties and is one of the only ones who doesn't drink. i just smelled it in my car last night because of the kids that i drove home.
i also want to be clear about my behavior last night, i.e., the "flipping out." it was abhorrent. it was something i am not proud of and something i will be discussing with my confessor next week. i have also just announced i will be making a worthy effort to refrain from using foul language. yeah, that was part of my repertoire last night. i am so not proud of that.
i just got done talking with her, after having a *team meeting* (complete with agendas) at the dinner table that went south very quickly. tears were shed, f-bombs flew out of her mouth and the door was slammed. i gave her about 15 minutes to settle down and texted "do you want me to come in to talk?" since her father was admonished and dismissed out of hand. she texted back "if you want."
(nobody should ever cry alone)
she is open to seeing a therapist for her anger issues and the fact that she is "so unhappy" all the time as she so aptly put it to me. she has self esteem issues and feels ugly from the inside out. i said "everybody loves you so much, mol!" she said "everybody but me."
i told her she needs to have the willingness to make changes, willingness to do some really hard work because if what she has been doing all this time (speaking of food, but it goes toward all behavior), and this is the result, there HAS to be a better way so it's time to change up our behaviors. we now at least have a jumping off point.
i'll be calling her guidance counsellor tomorrow to see if she has any recommendations for therapists that deal with teenagers, and will keep y'all updated with our progress :)
Lots of good responses here! Well, you know from reading my blog that I most certainly do have a "salty" teenager of my own. Actually she is 20 now....but anyway, the first thing that popped into my mind was to apply some of the principles of Alanon, as others have shared. They have helped me more than any parenting book. The letting go process begins very early and is done in age appropriate increments. Teenage years are so much more scary because the dangers are so much more real and substantial. Its painful when things are out of sync. Your daughter sounds like she is just trying to find her way...and its hard. She is feeling lost and doesn't know how to remedy that just yet. Sometimes all you can offer when a child is in pain is to stand with them and hold their hand...figuratively and/or physically. I completely believe that you have what it takes to manage all of this. Its just tough stuff.
Pen, I sympathize completely. We're pretty much in the same boat here teenager-wise and appreciate reading the comments you've gotten; I need a lot of reminding regarding co-dependency and control issues.
The worst feeling is to watch your child hurting. Our tendency, as parents, is to try to make the hurt stop at all cost. (Or to anticipate and prevent.) We probably adopted some costly behaviours of our own to stop our own pain, right? I have to remind myself that I don't want to pass that tendency along to my girl. So, in the final analysis, what is it that I would wish for my child? My wish is that she knows that she is and will be okay, that she is loved, that not having all the answers is normal, that she has the capability to cope with what life throws at her and that God is always there to guide us, young or old, though we might need to be quiet and patient to hear Him. I want her to know that I know those things about her despite the storms that rage between and around us.
The hardest thing for me to do is to simply listen to her, to let her talk without trying to fix it. But it is so very necessary.
All that and a boat-load of prayers. :)
love,
Mich
oh pen (((HUGS))) - i have no judgment - only sympathy. mine is only 13 now and i'm in for the ride of my life.
much love and prayers.
Hey, Penni...I'm so thankful when you share your joys and struggles -- it allows me to lift you and your family in prayer to the ONLY one who can change hearts.
I don't know from what you've written here of your daughter's faith and beliefs...but know that this is important to you and evident in your life...I encourage you to find an opportunity to express to your daughter how the Lord has helped in your life struggles -- this witness and testimony will be blessed by God, whether she acknowledges the truth or makes a change initially.
I say this from experience...while my son was a teenage rebel, I felt my words were drifting on the wind and not having much impact...years later, he assured me that he had heard them -- I also was blessed to not have him disrespect my parenting to the point where I would have had him leave...however, it did get very close to that, and the escalating struggles allow us to become clear in those hard decisions..
Saying all this, Penni, my heart goes out to you all..keep your eyes on the vertical when you are tempted by the clanging horizontal relationships...
hugs, penni. you know no judgement is coming from me. nothing but love for you and for her.
this isn't alcohol, but it's life and sometimes it's good to talk to other AAs about it. i don't mean to tell you what to do but rather to suggest that you ask the spons or someone else you trust in the program about how to handle this. how do you care for her as a mom and also care for yourself? where do the lines blur or cross? those things are all important.
just a thought. :o)
love you.
Will pray..have 2 teens with bi-polar & myself..other family members with alcoholism..all I can say is look after yourself first..like the oxygen mask on a plane..no point putting it on the kids first as you all die..take care of yourself..teens will have to do the same..they're not babies..we threw one out at 16..she's returned nearly 2 years later appreciative & considerate..the first sign & she's warned..tough love. It works. God bless.
There are some awesome books about navigating the teen years. One that I loved had a great title Something like
Stay out of my lfe but first take me and Stacey to the Mall.
At least I think that was the name.
Someone once said that being a teenager is like trying to navigate rapids in a tiny canoe. We as parents need to be very careful not to rock the canoe any more than absolutley necessary.
Pick battles and work on the unconditional love principle 1) don't sweat the small stuff and 2) its pretty much all small stuff.
Pray and let God sort out the rest.
Sometimes it's so difficult to know what's going on, whether it's a normal part of the turbulent teenage years or something more serious, isn't it. I think it would be great if Molly could find a therapist she could really open up to, even if only a few sessions were needed. But you know, no matter what our age (and I've seen this even more clearly since I've been online), most of us are still in a process of coming to terms with different things, still seeking help, still healing. I came across a phrase in one of Julia Cameron's books recently: compassionate patience. That really spoke to me, in terms of how to approach my own shortcomings and limitations and those of others in my life. I came across another book too, maybe you've heard of it, You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay, and there's a workbook you can get too. It's filled with exercises, info and positive affirmations, for people of all ages. I would have loved to have had some tools like this when I was a teenager or in my twenties. After having read this book and other similar ones fairly recently, I've come to the conclusion that we should be helping our children early on (and ourselves now, because it's never too late) to understand how powerful our thoughts are, and how we are co-creators of our own lives.
Accepting our bodies can be difficult for all of us, and particularly difficult for teens. Think of the epidemic of unhealthy diets, and the willingness of Americans to undergo risky surgery to change their appearance.
I have seen the pictures of your daughter on your blog, and she is beautiful. I am praying that she will surprise herself, and someday, looking in a shop window, she will see her reflection and realize this. In the meantime, I would avoid any advice about "fixing" herself with a new dress, a healthy diet, more exercise, etc. God bless you and your family
Sounds like a normal teenage girl to me. The only advise I can give is always keep the communication lines open, and know that (in general) they snap out of it again. I lived through 3 years of this, just kept loving her, and one day it was just...over! The only thing I did not allow though is for her to create drama to rule my life.
no brilliance or flashes of insight coming, but one thing the Lord has helped me pray for is to heal MY anger towards the upheaval and stress my teen creates. asking the Lord to deal with the hurt and frustration I feel opens up space for me to love unconditionally, without wincing and holding back to protect my own wounds.
i will pray for you today.
I have no advice. I'm a dad of three, and I've faced issues with them. It's tough to know what to do.
All I can say is I will keep you in my prayers.
I once was sprayed thoroughly by a skunk I had tried to rescue from a neighbor's water hosing, as I held him wrapped in a shirt. For 3 (or more) 24-hr days, the whole world smelled/tasted like sulphur. Although my mind hourly repeated the mantra, "It's not going to always be like this," the rest of me had to wonder because my daily life was greatly affected/changed. Similarly, I had two sets of two kids, a boy and a girl, then 2 girls. I have no idea how any of us survived their (and thus, my) sulphurous years, except love and prayer--the errors covered by God on all our parts. I guess if it isn't messy, it isn't unconditional love, but I recall thinking that despite being called to the police department a couple times for the boy, I'd rather face the raising of 18 more boys than even ONE more girl! The eldest of the four is 38, the youngest is 21, and two have their own child. All of them have expressed astounding things, like, "I was listening, even tho' it didn't seem like it" or "You and Dad were right, but I'd rather have died than say so" or "Look, you planted all the right seeds and I'm grateful. It's up to us to follow through." Or, "Wow.. was I that bad?" (There comes an opportunity to practice one's parental poker face--be prepared to use it when you say, "Of course not.") All of them really, really like me (and Dad), now. So much so, they all move back home whenever needed. (And ah, leave it to God to turn the bad economy to something good. It really does feel good.) The other best part is, they all like each other, now, too.
That was for you. For Molly: Maybe she should spike her hair with mousse while being reminded that hair grows daily with every washing, and if there's by any stretch of Mom's imagination some upcoming Molly-day to celebrate, a gift certificate to TJ Maxx or Old Navy is fun, no matter what the amount. And/or meanwhile, if there's a favorite childhood dish, that effort will never go amiss, even if they don't eat it. One of the things that closes gaps here, and this has never failed, is to haul out the photo albums. I find a time likely when all will be in the house or coming by, and invent a reason, "I want to put a montage together.." Or, leave one or more laying around, or even better, a handful of mixed photos of everyone. Leave them out for weeks, if need be. They are irresistible to all.
You'll all come through it, but it's hell on wheels, yes. I feel bad for the teens of today -- their lives are 3 times harder than were ours, for real. We must hold that compassion as close as possible through the worst of it. That, and hope. I'll pray for your family today.
One of our sons started doing drugs as a teenager and things got very rocky in our home for several years. I was humbled to learn that I could be trying to be the very best Mom that I was capable of being and we could still be going through what I look back upon as the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with.
He gradually started to improve during his twenties and finally stopped the drugs at age 27. He was married and had 4 children when his wife left him and the children and got heavily into drugs. We were fearful that he would fall back into drugs but his children needed him and he did a great job of trying his best to be both Mom and Dad to them. His wife divorced him and married a convict and they later had a little girl. Our son married a wonderful Christian divorced mom of 3 children, then they had a son of their own and they eventually also adopted the daughter of his ex wife's after she died of an overdose. Her husband was in jail.
Today our son is walking with the Lord and doing a great job with his wife raising his children in a Christian home. So, hang in there and pray for your daughter. Things can really improve over the years.
Blessings,
Mary
I also have had a son who was on drugs, alcohol, homeless for a year.... I prayed a rosary for him every day. I offer every Communion for him. I pray for him constantly. He is fully in God's hands and I have had to learn to trust Him. Mark is now living with a lady, with two kids and a nice house too. I am obviously still praying! His son is baptized, his girlfriend (who is always introduced by him as his wife..) is interested in Catholicism, and he is thinking of getting married in the Church. Let's see, at this rate it will be... Oh yeah, once again I need to be on God's time! Just pray, be there for them when they want or need you, and pray even more. God will not let them go. I find the "Hound of Heaven" is one of my favorite poems. My "Mark" poem.
Pray.Hard.Constantly. I'm sure I am singing to the choir here.
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