Tell It Like It Is
Merz dude...I have never been married and I don't have kids, but I have been in "the depths" on and off since my teens, to debilitating effect.
I have also switched careers more than a few times...I had my own business (graphic design) for over 15 years, but have also worked as a teacher, a caterer, and many other vocations. The things I like to do best seem to pay the least amount of money 
The best thing you can do for yourself is find something (ignore the money equasion for the time being) that you LOVE to do, where a paycheck is secondary to the fact that you would like to do it regardless and that you are filling your days with something that is meaningful to you.
My grandmother used to have all kinds of corny sayings, but the one that resonates with me is "be a good person and the money will come"...and I think that is born out of being passionate and genuine about what you do in life.
For the record, I just moved to NYC and I sometimes feel as though it was 15 years postponed (and no, I don't make a lot of money, this move has been a big step down in terms of comfort). However, I decided to trade in "comfort" for vitality.
I read a lot of your posts where you seem sensitive to the fact that you are older than a lot of the folks who share the same passions that you do (I can relate to that), but anyway, no one can ask for more than having someone who puts their heart and soul into what they do, so perhaps you should start re-evaluating what will make you happiest on a day-to-day basis for work...you can adjust all your obligations to meet what will work for you and I'm sure your daughters would be happy to see their dad doing what he wants to do as opposed to what he "has" to do.
In any event, I empathize with where you are at the moment. Kep on keeping on.
Hey Brother Merz,
That was a beautiful, heartfelt post. I'm so glad you put it out there.
You know there are a lot of folks out there who care about you - it ain't all about the music (though you DO have f'ing excellent taste in that field). And for what it's worth, I think Wendy speaks with a wonderful wisdom.
Yes, the black dog is a bastard - I've also been bitten hard by him in the past. He still comes sniffing round my way from time to time. Sometimes I'm not sure what attracts him - he can pop reound even when everything seems rosy.
Merz, no matter how dark it gets, you know we're here for you. And you know where to find me if you need.
You also need to add some Smiths' tunes to the depression playlist
"If I seem a little strange, that's because I ammmmmmmmmmmmmm...I wear black on the outside, because black is how I feel on the inside."
Be kind to yourself, Merz. Less than a year ago, I was so depressed that I couldn't even eat, sleep or drive. My mind wouldn't turn off, and I was completely hopeless and helpless. There's nothing in the world that can prepare you for feeling like that.
I'm hoping that some good luck comes your way, because it sounds as though you truly deserve it. It's my experience that this stuff, luck, accumulates especially well to honest and kind people, and you seem to be one of those. And if luck is taking awhile, which it always does at first, you might need to go give it a nudge. Sometimes it hides in odd places, like other cities or in different fields. Someone you don't even know might be holding onto it for you. Keep your eyes open for it, though, and we'll do the same. Take good care. xx
I am not a bad person but anyone can see life is hard, and for these reason i have chosen darkness, life is not black and white, for me it is more a question of lights and shadows. From now many ways are possible. All i can say is: "tame, adopt, educate your black dog, it will make a perfect friend and a great defender".
*hug*
Some awful stuff, right there, man. Keep an eye on the beautiful things, though.
wow. I haven't been reading long enough to know of any religous bias/hangups you may have but please know that after reading your post I am praying for you today.
hugs,
Melissa
The black dogs are ruthless. Hope you escape their grip soon and forever.
I've been following this blog for a while and all I can say is I hope you get through this depression and find happiness
The fact that you can talk about it and express it with such heartfelt emotion tells me that you have what it takes to get through it. I know it's hard day-to-day, but just find that tiny sliver of light in each moment that carries the hope of better things to come. And remember, you're a hero to your girls.
With my respect and support,
Jim
just when you are about to give up..is when that interview will show up..that always happens..
Everything always balances out. Good things are coming your way.
All best.
Yoann,
Indeed, life is hard, and suffering exists. I would suggest the way to tame the black dog is through compassion, for yourself and others.
Best wishes!
so my shrink tells me that it's okay to dwell in the void, with the questions, with the doubts about life and meaning, the fears and the feelings of pointlessness. i say, but i'm really sick and tired of it and i want to feel better. she says there might be some sort of gift or meaning to be found even in the darkness. i say, yeah, well, couldn't we speed up the process a little bit here?
all that to say, i hear you. keep putting it out there. the writing does help, and it's a way of not isolating yourself, clearing the cobwebs and making connections. i think, anyway. : )
The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.-M. Scott Peck
Stay strong bro...don't let the bastards win.
Oh my friend, I know that black dog very well. The meds help, but they can't make it go away because...the black dog attacks from within. It is, however, possible to face it down and tame it.
Take heart, and believe that this darkness is temporary. There will be joy and good things ahead.
Hugs!
Over the past 2 years I lost just about everything my life was built around and I struggle every day to get out of bed and stay alive. I keep fighting because no matter how tired I am, no matter how pointless it all seems, I simply don't want to lose anymore. I want to win and feel strong again. I don't have any advice to offer about your kids or your job, but I cling to the belief that as long as I have breath in my body I can still win, and so can you. I know it sounds trite but it's the truth. You're not alone out there and, if it makes you feel any better, your blog brings me happiness. Finding a new song, or band that speaks to me sometimes helps me through the day, so thank you for all you do.
Does this mean the remaining members of The Darkness are calling themselves The Black Dogs?
Thank you for opening up and sharing your pain, Merz. This is a truly eye opening and inspiring post. I'm hoping that you can pull through the seemingly endless void of darkness in your life. When I discovered your blog a year or more ago, I truly found some motivation through a rough spot in my life, simply based on music you posted, and your words (and a little help from my friends). I'm less than half your age, so can't relate in the grand scheme of things, but I'm really touched by your post and hearing your pain. You're a brave man to post this to fans of your blog... I fucking hate hearing about divorces that have ended up with the wife having full custody and the children never knowing their dad and their only perception is their mothers' harsh words. I'm not religious and don't know about your stance, but keep hope no matter what you believe in; Give yourself something, a very special, personal reason, to keep waking up every morning and hopefully things will progress into positivity.
Thanks to everyone for the wonderful comments and caring thoughts! It is extremely comforting to know that there are folks out there who care and understand. I feel blessed to have you all as friends. You are the BEST!
Hey Merz,
Thanks for sharing your heart. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. I have been shut out of my favorite MP3 sites at work (go figure), but still check in on yours at home. It's comforting to know you are there. Hang on, the sun will shine again. I love you even though we have never met and want the best for you.
best of luck dude. I lost my job a few years back, had no savings to speak of and my wife just had a baby (our second). I got a job in a entirely new industry at the same pay (which wasn't much) but it ended up being the best thing to ever happen to me in the end. Sometimes shitty things happen, but they do work out in the end.
Hey Merz,
Sorry to jump in late, but just as many others have said, your words are heartfelt and powerful, and I hope you are emboldened by the good things in life (your two kids), and the support from your blogger friends.
I know you will make it through these tough times, and I wish for nothing but the best for you, my friend.
I've been reading your blog for awhile and always really enjoy it. Just wanted to say hang in there. *hugs*
Long time admirer of the blog. You´re doing a great job - keep it up (and actually, I am less here for the music than the writing, since the mp3s usually don´t appeal so much to me)
long time - first time... just wanted to send you a greeting as one of ur blog's many admirers who's not really here for mp3s (I did get a big grin when I say suede though) - I guess I just wanna say thanx for opening yourself up like you do.
cheers
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