Sara, you look beautiful in your picture! What's with the issues, girlfriend?
I'm a BIG woman, but I don't care. I'm healthy: my cholesterol, glucose, blood pressure, etc. are all fine. I notice guys checking me out all the time -- which I don't understand if thin is in -- but I sure notice it!
I decided a long time ago to love myself, no matter what. And if I'm a fat, beautiful woman, then dammit, that's what I am. (I really am cute!)
Mixter
Like I said, I'm sick of them, done with them, and doing my best to get rid of them. I spent a long time holding onto them, assuming I needed them to - well, I'm not sure. And that's why they're history and a happy me is the future.
Learning to accept the body nature gave us is hard in today's society with it's "thin=healthy, fat=unhealthy" mindset, not to mention the magazines and shows that glorify the uberthin. Add on top of that the multibillion diet industry and big medicine deciding the money is in convincing even healthy people they are not healthy. In the last number of years, they've gotten the government to lower the numbers for diabetes, blood pressure and overweight, so suddenly we have "epidemics" out the wazzoo. Suddenly we have people being told they are "pre-diabetic" or "pre=hypertensive" when the day before they were "normal".
The road to accepting one's bod at the size it is and getting rid of the "voices" that tell you it is bad and you MUST starve yourself to a smaller size to be percieved as good is long and can be hard. I started reading every size positive book I could get my hands on (in fact I'm still on the road, even tho I got off the rollercoaster years ago, there are days those "voices" try and make a comeback), have gotten the library to buy as many of them as possible and hang out on boards and lists with others who are starting and those who have been on the journey for a long time.
I remember those iVillage boards. I was on them for a while, they started out well, but the diet mentality crept in, took hold and destroyed the boards. A shame, since there are so many places that discuss dieting and so few for learning to love and accept the body you have.
This is an incredibly powerful post. The conflict is there for so many of us-we "know" one thing, but "feel" another way. It sounds like you've worked really hard on all these issues.
I hope I'm not out of line, but you do sound like you're being hard on yourself for being complicit in your own pathology. I think the reason our culture is so damaging is that, sure a lot of the sexism is in-your-face- obvious. But a lot of it is subtle, and works its way in. We hear this crap every day of our lives. Of course it's going to hurt us.
You should be very proud of your fight.
spotty, I don't think I'm exactly being hard on myself. It's more of an epiphany of a wasted opportunity. If I hadn't been so married to the idea that I needed to lose weight, if I'd opened my mind to the ideas I said I was, this could have happened much earlier. And I do think that the vitcim mentality can hold people back in this kind of situation. It's often hard to realize that even if it's not your fault that the media demands you fit a narrow definition of beauty, and there are millions of tiny messages that say you're not valued if you're not beautiful, it's still your responsibility to get the fuck over it and live your life. The world might change to help you out, but don't hold your breath.
I enjoyed your post. It’s obvious you have struggled with this very difficult issue for a long time, and are still trying to make progress to a mental state that accepts your physical state. Good luck with this. I imagine that sharing your thoughts is a step toward your goal.
I am lucky to have a high metabolism and have not really had weight issues, certainly not as those you eloquently described, so I probably can’t have much insight into your situation. Part of you post did strike me, though.
You wrote “It made me proud to know that I had skipped or burned enough calories that my body was begging me to eat something. That is not healthy.” Is it not healthy that you were proud, or that your body was begging for fuel?
As I’ve aged, my metabolism has slowed down. I find that if I eat enough that I never feel hungry than either I’m eating “six small meals a day” and spending lots of time worrying about food, or I gain weight. I don’t want to think about eating all day (though cooking is a hobby of mine). I don’t care to gain weight because I don’t want to have to buy new clothes, because I’m in the Guard and they have weight requirements, and because for me I think it would be a health risk.
So pretty much all morning I am hungry. I’m not proud of this, just accept it as part of the whole deal. After a while I don’t really notice it, kind of like when my office is too cold. I just focus on the task at hand and the hunger fades into the background, like the cold. I don’t think it is physically unhealthy. Is it?
As far as you being proud of being hungry, I think that is normal and understandable. You had a goal – thinner Sara – and being hungry was evidence of progress toward that goal. You are now questioning that goal, but being proud of progress toward a chosen goal is healthy, I think, because pride is a strong motivator.
My sweetheart struggles with her weight, has since childhood, and tells me that food is the enemy. She said that her doc said to look at weight as a health issue, not an appearance or status issue. If she eats to be healthy rather than to look a certain way, she finds it easier to justify the effort.
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