well, i guess that's the problem with most bars, and especially the gay ones -- people are there to be cruisy, to make the first judgement for a date/hookup by looks alone and then go from there. it of course just works for people who are there for the physical look first. if you're not there for the looks, then what are you there for, i ask myself. why am i here? the reality? i'm there for the looks, and then everything else (including a nice person) second. i'll settle to find that out second. this approach, however, is not workin out so well for me in terms of finding someone i want to be with.
i guess with this rationale, how i fare in a club is based on how i look. i obviously dwell on this a lot. but the reality is, and a reality i tend to always avoid, is that i really need to change who i find attractive and who my potential ideals are, who makes it past the first round. but how do we do that?
I dunno about this whole thing.
I mean, I hear a lot about it, but there are ugly people out there getting a lot of action.
I'd say some people just need to start taking more responsibility for their sexuality, to use the language of feminism. I just got out of a relationship with a wonderful guy who said he was used to guys coming over to his place (that he met online) and then just leaving, you know, you're not my type.
To me, that's like just not giving someone a chance, and, yes, people can change whom they give chances. They can open their minds a little and take a few minutes to get to know them a little more. Maybe the club scene isn't where that's going to happen, I don't know. But I was with that aforementioned boy, who I think is way hot, and saw that he was smart, giving, and awesome in the sack.
I guess this boils down to the fact that that fairy-tail person doesn't exist, there isn't someone who's already "perfect" for us out there (whatever that word means), because our personality, identity, and needs are defined relatively and situationally. In other words, when Mr. Good-in-the-Respects-that-are-important comes around, the other stuff will fall into place, because that's just the way we deal with those situations. He'll seem hot even if you wouldn't normally think so, etc.
I think the source of your despair here is that you're seeing the "natural" as dead, uncontrollable, and determinative, which it's not.
Maybe the club/bar scene isn't the place to meet boys for you. But the first thing someone can do to challenge looks-ism is to take responsibility for their own actions there.
And I think that those all-dark rooms in bathhouses where you just walk right into a boy and start messing around are a place where intimacy comes before looks, just as an example.
I totally agree. I need to know someone's personality just to be their friend and to expect a relationship after first meeting someone seems a little farfetched. I haven't quite figured out everything myself, but I do think the best route is still to meet people through friends. I highly trust my friends' opinions, and so their friends I can at least guess with some confidence that their personalities will be great, too. With that, I think maybe when meeting that random person on the street, the best thing to look for is a friend rather than a relationship. After all, personality is what you look for in a friend, right? Eventually, I think that through this route people can find relationships. Being pretty idealistic or naive myself, I think it just takes a lot of patience and openness.
I think it's just as bad to get no attention at bars as incessant, unwanted attention. I have one extremely hot (monogamously coupled) friend in particular who refuses to go out because he always gets approached by people and it detracts from the fun of the experience. In other words, there are two sides to every coin.
Quite honestly, I think the poor-hot-guy argument isn't really used all that often because...well, I'm not really a fan of patting poor privileged people on the back for the anguish of having too much privilege. Being what our country defines as attractive isn't really something that's quite accessible to everyone, so if you have to suffer from being TOO much of a hot commodity? Deal with it! If that's really all that's keeping you from going out then I think there's something weird going on. Is someone nervous they might accidentally be interested in one of the flirts?
As a friend of mine recently said, wear a locket around your neck with your boyfriend on it!
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