Thank you for this post. I'm married, have a bunch of kids and I"m orthodoxly observant.....and you're post just provided a klleg-light's worth of ilumination to me about a few people I know and a shift in lifestyle that I never lived but absolutely would have had I stayed single longer. Thanks for the clarity.
G-d, DK, don't make me cry.
Illuminated elucidations and Concerta like clarity on how fading becomes faded ...... this concept is also an after mid twenties slogan sung often in dim bars decorated solely in pink and blue twinkling lights with Bon Jovi playin in the background insisting about a prayer he's apparently been living on.The song sloshes around in my brain but I just know that there is no prayer you can actually live on and continuous drinking will make everything better and the unanswered prayers will eventually be a distant fading faded contradiction.
Not only have I regretted not letting go of observance levels earlier, my most painful regret is that of having been born religious initially , what was G-D thinking anyway .
Observance (in the religious sense), is like the controlled substance/drug medications . All precautions/rules/hazard warnings used for obtaining controlled drug medications like Adderall / Ritalin/ Vicodine...... should be considered /taken and used when deciding what level of observance to adhere to as they could become addictive or mind altering and definitely messes with dress codes and alcohol dwelling options among other social constraints and restraints.... dosages should be monitered closely. (Keep in mind the ever-increasing costs) The question remains who does the prescription writing. Rabbi's could get very expensive and they dont take insurance.They are also usually dry and humorless or fluffy colorful but not inherent intellectualism or they have a life .
Alot of the side effects of maximum observancy in general r most similar to the side effects one would experience when an adhd brain overdoses on the Adderall or Ritalin to the point of humorless sparkleless existence and washing down the way too many mg's with green apple smirnoff /peach absolute/ or a Froach Heather Ale beer at the Jersey Shore/ Hamptons or East River depending on the season.Though mostly ,the actual location is an independent variable and does not have any effect upon the individual in question ,numb with rigid rules and depressive submissive regulations and the realization that nothing really matters. So why listen to rules that mess with the serotonin levels and brain circuitry and the limited patience factor and screws around with friendships and connections that dont understand or tolerate the need for rigid rules.These side effects are not objectively analyzed when stuck in the rusting religous rut or banal adderall/alcohol cocktail existence and (for females) there's always the added bonus of a general lifestyle that embraces equally depressing dress codes usually associated with those of the nunnery persuasion.
Permanent apathy , usually sets in and there is no happy flavored observant really unless you learn to tweak the adderall dosage and observance levels dosage .For some Absolute based Observance ZAP (zero adherence policy) is the only way to feel real and alive. Some brains cannot thrive in rigid enviroments and be
(cont) and become understimulated to the point of dysfunction when expected to conform to a rigid existence of mindless musings /myopic methods and viewpoints heavily obscured by a perspective marked by excessive dress and discipline. Lets not ignore the equally stuffy outlooks and the ban flavor of the month kindly provided by those higher on the totem pole of "Total To-Elless Teaching and Telling (commanding)" those lower and stuck on the insecure rungs.
Observance XR (extended release) dosage which would involve minimal involvement and subsequent internal release based on initial morning dosage or investment only.This version is costly as it is not available in generic form.It can best be described as the philanthropists that dont really involve themselves in anything jewish related aside from donating heavily to organizations that rely exclusively on donors.
Convenient /Equally Important but costly.Some take an extra dose of regular halacha in the evening to smooth out the experience (pick some random part of Judaism that makes them feel happy to take part like always saying the iggeres haramban letter or something) .
This works nicely if one has the money.
Basically , one needs to decide whether they want to be medicated with Observance/what medication version / and then closely moniter the dosages and the time frames ( QID/ TID/BID/PRN .....) If observance is zoning you out either the dosage is too high or its the wrong medication or you dont need to be medicated on the weekends.
Also Succos Sucks ( Festival of Flimsyism) .People seem to be under the erroneous impression that the flavor of succos is that of Lifesavers sugary sweet happy tasting lollypop, forgetting that there is huge hole in the pollyana's happy lollypop theory.There is no inherent Joy in Shabbas / Succos / definitely not Passover or Purim or any Holiday unless you consider the Joy flavored dishwashing liquids ,but the dishwashing tasks involved would override any Joy the liquid could provide .The common denominator with jewish holidays is spending money on holiday supplies /synogogue frequenting and pray pretending and extra rules that are only tolerable when stoned or kiddushing the day and evening away into no-where.
jaded topaz. i've felt the way you have, even being married with kids. With your psychopharmocologic vocbulary, it sounds like you're either a psychologist, psychiatris or a student of one or both...of just seeing a psychiatrist as do I.
The reason I do is because the anger and fury I felt toward work, religion, and mysef was not much unlike yours.
Of course the Drs. helped me discover I have a mood disorder and ADD. What's my point? Well, I recently started meds (Lamictal, if you must know) and it's too early to tell what, if any, benefit there will be.
All I can add to your screed is that I've been there many times, though I always kept the observance because of my family....but I'm coming to believe the circumstances of life, coupled with a chemical imbalance of some sort can lead one to feel as you so clearly do.
Bottom line here is that yes, things can really suck; observance can really hem you in and strangle you at times.Bbut don't discount the realism your chemically lopsided brain is telling you (no criticism friend, I only speak from my own diagnosis).
Being observant is not fully as bad as you are describing. It just sounds like you're in a funk that you haven't gotten out from under and ahead of for awhile. I hope you do.
Life and religion isn't all bad, all the time, you know.
I used to be observant for 15 years, was married and did the whole BT thing. Now, I occasionally try to keep some of the holidays and Shabbos. I always end up with a severe headache, bouts of depression, sloth and laziness... I'm forever glad that I am NOT observant, because once the chokehold of halacha (read OCD)and minhag is lifted, I can finally breathe. Once I can breathe, Judaism seems much more appealing.
Wow, sad post. I hope this isn't depression, but it sounds a little like it might be. Perhaps you should speak to somebody?
You describe a dry, ascetic practice of Judaism. You also talk about "horrible choices" when it comes to what are really compromises that are far from horrible. They may be painful or disappointing to some, but horrible they are not.
What is horrible, in my opinion, is pre-emptively giving up so much because of the perception that these other things are so horrible.
Ultimately, aren't the ideas of family life, of Jewish continuity, of living as a complete part of a family unit and larger community...and the resulting vivacity of life, more compelling than a dry practice of Judaism?
To my mind, it's no better to have purity of belief and practice if they prevent the fulfillment of a full and well-rounded Jewish life (which may be far from pure). Surely it's nobody's premise that one should remain child or family-less to avoid the choice of giving a circumcision. Right? Right?? Whether you believe in God or just in man, sitting alone in a room mulling the greater philosophy of circumcision or kashrut cannot possibly be as Jewishly meaningful as being part of a larger community and as having a family. Even if you are keeping shabbat...
My two cents' worth.
TM,
What you write makes sense in a pretty, literary way, but when there are so many ex-BT's out there, or poeple who are presently not happy with thier yiddishkeit, we have to stop dissmissing them as Depressed or Sad, and start considering what about this yiddishkeit is going wrong? If we take the premise that the Torah is Divine, then by default it is a perfect religion with a perfect G-dly system. So ..... WHY are people still not happy???
Maybe as a community we need to consider that while the religion is Divine and therefore perfect, then the problem may be how us humans execute it.
Did G-d create annoying Borough Park, or odd women who feel they can ask us about our love lives just because they are married, and we are not? Did G-d ask a slew of Rabbanim in Israel to Ban a talmud chacham's book and ruin his life for two years just becuase they were afraid of misplaced apikorses? Did Hashem want comuunities with 25 shuls, or arranged marriages with men that abuse their families? The list goes on and on. I love Torah and I love serving G-d -- don't get me wrong here, but there are admitidly elements of the religion that somehow inadvertantly impose overdoses of rigidity, naivete, and suffocation onto many people who use it as a sheild for all of life's problems, a security blanket of sorts.
For many of us (in addition to many "frum" from birth), we are fed up with doing some of the mitzvos over and over, and guiltily feeling empty.
And certainly, for a single man, who expects get married relatively young, how awful must it be for him to uphold up a level of belief and inspiration if late 20's/early 30s come round, and hey, there's no girl in site? Women seem to deal with this a little better, but not much.
Is it any wonder why so many of our brothers and sister who were raised Traditional or Orthodox just walk away? These are not stupid, un-intuitive people. Walking away from it, for some, is the only way to stay sane. I know it sounds harsh, but it's true, and we need to figure out what the hell to do about it, and now.
now I get it, you wrote,
"Being observant is not fully as bad as you are describing."
It depends on the shabbos. Or the three day yontiff.
Honest Truth,
I think lots of lifestyle choices are preferable on your own terms. Religion isn't any different.
--
Wow. Well, Illana B definitely hit a lot of the points I might have taken as well, though I think I would go further.
It is amazing how hurtful some of these bans and excesses are to so many thoughtful, religious right-wing Modern Orthodox Jews.
On the other hand, the fact that there are some who care so deeply is a hopeful sign.
It is much easier to either leave or block it out. In either of those cases, it just gets worse.
Ilana B,
R. Slifkin is a hero, not a martyr. True, they made him suffer, and treated him like dirt, and the B'nai Torah ban against him stands for the charedim.
But it cost them something fierce. They exposed themselves as fundamentalist as the chassidim.
And The MO finally counter-attacked, and recommitted to being MO. They found the will to fight instead of apologize.
The Rav's legacy resurfaced in a way it has not done so since he got sick.
TM,
I think that you are more willing to incorporate secular ideas into Judaism. But for me, FWIW, while I am quite attached to both worlds in many ways, well, I don't really see them as compatible much of the time.
i agree....it's not the religion it's (some of/many of) the people!
What incredible pain. Your posting takes me back to my immediate post college years reminding me of so much of the same turmoil that you'e acurately articulated. We all find our own solutions.I ultimately married a chiloni Israeli who showed me the way to live a beautiful, fulfilling life.
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