This is one of the most moving and honest posts I have read in a long long time.

I think we all do that to ourselves ... double-talk ourselves into certain positions - with the best of intentions!!! ... but sometimes it's also a way of keeping ourselves safe.

Thanks for sharing your thought process here, Nightfly. I really recognized myself in it.
Sheila | Homepage | 01.25.08 - 6:34 pm | #

Hi!

Um, I am sorry I did this to you.

First, I, uh, implicated you in my blasphemous crazy-time by putting your very own blog name right there in the middle of my post - only because I was picturing the horror on your face as you read the monstrosity I was creating. You could totally shake your fist at me for that and be justified.

As for the rest, of course you are correct. It's not about me. (Although I do have a talent for making myself the center of everything, even someone else's miraculous recovery from inky black untreatable cancer). And of course it is stupid to try to fake out God by acting like you don't want something when you do want it. Ditto trying to fake out God by not speaking to him as if trying to be all cool about hating everything was going to work.

I suppose the post turned out to be what it is because I couldn't figure out how to construct a narrative around the miracle of my dad's recovery without posting a really long, boring timeline of his illness and all the badness associated with it. Believe me, the badness has transcended mere physical illness. It nearly destroyed our entire family. See how boring this is to read?

So I did what I nearly always do: I tried to tell people my dad was well and at the same time illustrate more clearly my own peculiar, um, mental situation for the past few years. It has been weird, to say the least.

Nevertheless, I stand by what I said. I firmly believe God likes it when I say thank you for apples and healthy children and buses that run on time. I also firmly believe that he does not wish to hear a word about stuff I would like, including, prayers for other people. It is what I now call the "reverse prayer clause". If I find myself saying the word "please" in a prayer I instantly reverse myself and say "I MEANT THANK YOU FOR..." and then mention something that went my way that day.

OK, I think I have talked enough. Sorry I implicated you in my craziness. Sorry I made you nervous. I wasn't that worried about why I you hadn't commented. I pretty much figured you were grossed out by that post and that maybe you'd get over it one day. Glad you weren't really irritated with me.


Nina | Homepage | 01.25.08 - 7:38 pm | #

[In my teeny-tiniest, fly-on-the-wall voice, half-spoken to myself]
I can't believe that I am just now getting into the meaty-juiciness of this. 'Cause Nina's had the crap kicked out of her. And 'Fly's such a mensch it's adorable.

And I don't KNOW what Nina has been through 'cause I had a pretty nice 2007; no one close to me died and I finally got pregnant after two years of infertility.

But I have been wondering if it was just me who couldn't think of anything to pray except, "Thanks for eight hours of sleep," and "thanks for pretty weather today."

I wonder if the suffering of Mother Teresa or another great Saint applies here? 'Cause God usually kicks the crap out of people He really loves and wants to use. Like that whole crucifixion thing... That went down pretty bad for Jesus. And He was pretty awesome. But I probably shouldn't mention that because it makes it sound like I know what's going on with God and Nina. And I don't. I'm totally gobsmacked and clueless too.

I wonder if it would be okay if I prayed a little "thank-you" prayer for Nina. You know, so as not to excite that "reverse prayer" backfire thing she seems to have going...
WordGirl | Homepage | 01.31.08 - 8:41 am | #