Nzingha's Soapbox
This is one of the main differences with the religion and the culture with the West. Financial issues, whether with elderly parents or within the marriage are split here in the West. Within Islam it is solely the man's duty to provide for anything. If the woman does help it is considered a charity.
This is fine in the "Muslim" world, but in the West it is often hard to live this way.
Here in the West the edlerly parent thing isnt an issue, they are shipped off to the nursing home.
I believe it to be difficult for many Muslim families, in the west or not, to live on one income. More and more of the Muslim world are employing women and although one can argue its a womans right to not give up any of those funds, it winds up being in many cases a selfish act and puts undue hardship on the male members of the family. I know boo hoo poor men lol.
As for nursing homes, they could use some of those here. But I'll get to that issue in another post.
great post, Nz. Infact, the last few posts have brought me to tears (im too sissy to comment on child abuse).
I would love for my mother to move in with us (as my father's passed away couple of years ago) but it's such a insult to my older brother, which i dont get, since he had no problem with me working and contributing.
in any case, personally, I think its stupid to suspend your judgement in lieu of cultural traditions. the oldest son supporting everyone works only if in turn everyone else (younger siblings) help him and his children in the future. which usually doesnt happen.
there's also the issue of 'power' that needs to be dealt with. While most women in the east dont work side by side men, they still dominate through social politics and are equal partners in abusing the rights of whoever the 'scapegoat' happens to be at the moment.
lastly, i loved the point about being good examples for our children. i learned to appreciate the wisdom of our elders only because my parents treated them with the utmost love and respect. i would love to have my mom and my mother in law live with us so my unborn children can learn from two different generations!
Oh dear this certainly touches a raw nerve in me. At present, my recently widowed mum-in-law resides with us, the eldest son's family. Earlier, before settling here (after much ups and downs in life), Iwas able to look after my mum till she passed away. as things stand now,my MIL has planned to stay with us, but to visit her other offspring for a few months each year...Insha Allah.So I'm praying to the almighty to give us the wisdom to do our duties to our elders with honesty and an open heart.Ameen.
Assalam o alaikum ...
The most enlightening part of your posting is where you compare the burden of one's parents with the burden of pregnancy. Wonderful, mashaAllah. God turns the wheels around every so often; we were once a burden for our parents (when we were in our mother's tommies, and afterwards too); then they become a burden for us. I seriously think that if we consider the import of the following hadith (referenced here, here, and here), then all the issues of finance, cultural norms, and gender will be "humbled into dust":
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: Let him be humbled into dust; let him be humbled into dust. It was said: Allah's Messenger, who is he? He said: He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise.
First time visitor to your blog.
Mashallah its v gud, keep up the good work.
Wasalam
Assalaamu alaikum,
I understand what you're saying about women helping financially if they can, and it's considered a charity for them. But this is sort of a "slippery slope", because if we're not careful, women will end up with obligations to support the family financially, which is not the way it's supposed to be.
I see this in Kuwait already. In my MIL's generation, women normally didn't work outside the home. In my husband's generation, some did and some didn't. But now, it seems that they're expected to work and men looking to get married often say that they don't want a wife who stays at home. Financially speaking, women are expected to contribute to the household, and in many cases it's not even a choice anymore. You see women who really would like to stay at home longer with their baby, or women who are eligible to retire and would like to, but they have to keep working.
As far as attitudes go, they're influenced by the assumptions that we see everywhere - that women are wasting themselves (and maybe being lazy or not willing to chip in) if they stay home.
I get really irritated by these reports from international organizations which measure the "development" of a society. If I stay home taking care of my children, I drag the score down. But if I go out and take some government job and leave my children to be raised by a maid, I get extra points and bring the score up!
wa alaikum salaam
I understand what you mean by a slippery slope and I'm not suggesting that all women are to go get a job and help in the financial obligations of the men in the family. BUT if a woman has the means, be it if she works or does not, doesn't she hold some obligation to help in the financial caring of her parents? If a woman can go and buy new clothes knowing that her brohers family is struggeling even incuring debt in order to provide care for her own elderly parents, to me there is something wrong.
I don't work, don't want to. And I like the thought that our women have a choice in working or not. And no wife will ever have the obligation to financially support the family like a man. But what I see here is women claiming their womb frees them from any financial burdens which is a whole other extreme than what you have in Kuwait.
My issue is more, if you have something to give, even if it is a little bit, give it. Before buying unnecessary clothes, think of your parents whose care depends on money. Think of your brother who has a wife and children of his own who has to struggle to make ends meet. To not give in such circumstances to me is selfish.
There are other ways of being selfish, which is time. But that is a whole other post. I would love to see some medium with finances, because w/ no help the medical needs of an elderly person can exceed what we ever dream of.
As a mother I think before I buy for myself. I think of everyone elses needs before mine, all of my daughters are considered just like my son. If my girls sat back and watched my only son struggle to care for me when I'm old and gave no thought to the money that is needed to care for me, I would have to beat them down with my cane!! All those years of sacrafice, finances included of course, and the girls just claim "I have a womb so I'm not paying anything" Get the cane!! 
Salams,
Love your blog.
Assalamu Aleikum wa Rahmatulalhi wa Barakatuhu,
I can just see you saying: Get the cane...hee hee.
Really.
BTW, I passed by your old place by I-10 the other day and it was pretty damaged. The contents of the house were on the side of the service road including some pieces of sheetrock on the service road itself.
love,
-jenny
I forget to comment on your actually post. Silly me.
As you know my parents live with us and Anwer's parents come visit. My parents only had female children and especially since the reverted as older adults, my husband and I are happy to help them learn about Islam by being with us, celebrating Eid with us, going to the masjid, prayer, meals, etc. Practice was the best way to learn the lifestyle. Alhamdulillah, my husband and his parents are understanding of this. BTW, my dad is over 80 now too and my mom is legally disabled.
They are visiting family in Florida now. But as you know, having your mom around means that she helps a lot. It is blessing to have her. I don't know how I would've coped with my children's infancy without her, Alhamdulillah. As I know your mom was equally a true blessing.
love,
-jenny
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