Nzingha's Soapbox
Sister, Assalaamu'Alaykum. I always read your blog, never commenting. I was so shocked and saddened to read that your son was born with DS. You are a remarkable individual, your appreciation for this blessing from Allah is very inspiring...would that all mothers had the strength and mercy that you have displayed. Whenever I see a small child now with their parents, I think of you and your son and pray that Allah continues to bless you and gives your son a happy and productive life.
Just wanted to let you know that you have left a remarkable mark upon my soul. JazakiAllah khair for sharing all that you do.
Mabrook to you for your new little man. And may Allah make him a coolness to your eyes forever. Ameen!
Nzingha,
It amazes me that some people are so clueless to say such things when you've had your child and obviously love him. Dr or not- mentioning early testing was a moot point and shouldn't have even been brought up.
I hope that doesn't happen to you again.
Did you get the email about the books? I know you're busy with the newest addition and all- but if the email didn't make it through I'll post the titles here for you.
Kikilia
this post is awesome. Umar is lucky to have a mother like you.
Asalamu Alaikum and Mobruk,
I've been waiting to comment a bit until you've fully digested the news you were given and rested up a bit after your birthing (and homecoming) dilemna.
My first reaction upon reading that Umar has DS..."he's been wisely placed by Allah Subhanna Wa Ta'ala in a family that's guaranteed provide the very best so he'll develop to his full potential." It takes all kinds to make our society, some more "able" than others,and out of the 1 out of 800 births that turn out to be DS babies...Umar hit the family lottery, Mashallah!
I'm here, a few years further up the developmental road in experience with a child with developmental disabilities, if you ever need advice or to talk
My fifteen year old cousin has Down Syndrome. She goes to a specialized school from which she has learned amazing things. She is a little shy, but that is recently learned behavior, mostly because she realizes people are uncomfortable around her or treating her differently.
With the proper assistance, children with Down Syndrome can grow into productive adults with great accomplishments. There are famous swimmers, actors, and everyday joes and janes with this Syndrome.
You have been given a very precious blessing (Umar)! May Allah bless you and your family!
http://www.karengaffneyfoundation.com/
I'm sorry the lady said that to you too. I think it's uncalled for & like someone already mentioned - hope it doesn't happen again.
The other lady you mentioned brought tears to my eyes.. He is the same age as my daughter... which I prob would have had the same reaction even if he wasn't. I will be praying for them too.
Btw - I loved your last line... but have to add that he is perfect, even if some people don't think so, or if not in the conventional ways. He is how Allah made him & that is as perfect as a person can be, as we all are. So to me it makes perfect sense that what you have would seem that way
It was a very insensitive thing to say, really...
wa alaikum salaam Digital Nomad- Thank you so much for your comments, I don't know what to say to that really
Kikilia- I wouldn't mind if it was more like "did you know before you gave birth?" I've been asked that by someone else so that I could see. Something tells me her bedside manner is lacking an awful lot. Glad I didn't have her as a dr
And I just emailed you about the books, thanks for the suggestions.
Roba- Thank you
SSW- What a great thing to say And yes I will be asking you if the need arises.
Kiki- thank you for sharing about your cousin. And the link. The one thing that worries me is the way in which others may react or treat my Umar. I would hope that what we teach him in our home makes up for the reactions of others.
Mama Kalila- She broke my heart more so because she just doesn't know anything. Without answers it is difficult I hope the Drs. in her home country have more answers for her.
Nuri- tact isn't always something people have. So far this is the only comment I'm sure we have much more to deal with as time goes on. So my skin has to become thick at some point, sooner rather than latter.
Assalaamu alaikum,
Subhanallah... this doctor doesn't have much of a bedside manner, does she? It's bad enough that she said it once, but then to repeat it again and again?
But just out of curiosity, is she Muslim? And is she working in Saudi? Do they do abortions there if the mother's life is not in jeopardy?
I married late and was 36, 38, 40 and 42 when I had my children, so Downs was something that was in the back of my mind. Once (I think with the third pregnancy) I went to a private doctor for a prenatal checkup; she was Kuwaiti but had trained in the UK and I saw an article on the wall showing her training with a UK doctor that I had seen on the BBC, who worked with genetic defects, etc. So I asked her about something I had read, where they do a sonar at about 12 weeks and there's something they can see that indicates the child might have Downs syndrome. She said, "Well you wouldn't consider termninating the pregnancy anyway, would you?" I said no, and she wisely advised me not to even check. As far as I know, it would be illegal here, anyway.
A trained doctor should know better than to be so insensitive by making such an inappropriate remark to a loving mother with a new baby. It makes me wonder what kind of care she is able to provide to her own patients. You are blessed to have Umar because God has entrusted him to you and your family - and He knew that you would take wonderful care of him. Umar is already a lucky winner in life.
Lets just thank God that you are Umars mother and not that doctora. Now that would be tragic. He is perfect. Mashallah. Just imagine when hes going through the terrible twos , and instead of tearing up your house and learning to have tantrums , all he can do is love on everyone. Have you heard about how DS babies are the most loveable human beings ever created? Its amazing!
UmMuhammad
wa alaikum salaam Ann- Yea I could forgive saying it once but three times was a bit over the top.
She is Muslim and works in Saudi. And no abortions aren't allowed unless the mothers life is in danger, but many of the expat women simply go to a country that permit abortions.
Susie- I'm glad I didn't go to her for any advice during my pregnancy
UmMuhammad- that is something the dr. said to me when we found out about Umar having DS about them 'always being happy' than I read what parents have to say and they do have their moments like any other child. Not to the extremes of other children but they express their modes of happiness, sadness, and even anger like other people. But overall their disposition is sweet and innocent.
That was a pretty insensitive comment. I would have hoped a doctor would have been a little more empathetic. You have a beautiful, healthy (from what you have said) boy and surely that is what is most important at the moment.
You are TAME compared to me.
By the third time she mentioned "abortion", I would've have given her the biggest $%^#@ slap she ever had in her life.
That's just me though 
Assalaamu alaikum,
Wow... I am shocked to read that someone can actually come into your home and say something like that... THREE TIMES!
Insha'Allah the other lady will get the answers she need about her son's condition very soon. Umm Ibrahim
Asalamu alaikum,I have heard two days ago another sister gave birth to a son with Down syndrom.She is very upset.I have over years met many families touched by Down syndrome.One family i knew very well.Their son brought so much love and joy to all of them.Sure there are problems.None of us are garanteed perfect health. I know that children and people with special needs are misunderstood by some.I hope you never feel sad.Your Umar is trully a gift from Allah!!!!!
Nzinghas
That lady who is still trying to find out about what's wrong with her son....from the description, he might have cerebral palsy. A close friend of mine, wonderful women that deserve paradise had a cerebral palsy son. May Allah help her.
Umar is lucky to have you as a mother.
Saida
Nzingha, you are a better woman than I am. I would have eaten her lunch the first time she told me I could (she obviously meant should) have aborted. To think that this woman is caring for pregnant women and unborn babies. If she's that callous about ending the life of a baby because in her eyes it's not perfect, how careless might she be about any baby? And as you say, given that you did have him and he's in your arms now, how could she not see how offensive her words would be? Sadly, from what I read, you are probably going to encounter that again. Sometimes I hate people.
(How about another pic? I keep going back and looking at that one ... I'm sure he looks different already.)
I have a daughter with Downs Syndrome. Syndey is 9 months old and she is amazing. I an in the United State,so we come from different cultures, but it sounds like you are not getting enough good information. We are very lucky that we live in an area that has a big support community for Downs syndrome. Sydney is my third child and although she is hitting her milestones a little slower than the other two, (one son did everything early), she does everything else that a 9 month old baby should do. She eats solid food wonderfully, she chatters, sits up on her own, is trying to crawl, and lots more. Do not listen to all of the statistics on downs syndrome, they are bleak and depressing. Just work with your baby on his physical steps and he will amaze you. There is a wonderful book that you might want to get called "Gross Motor Skills in Children with Down Syndrome, a Guide for parents and professionals" by Patricia C. Winders, P.T. This book shows thier development step by step, and will help you to help your son to take each physical step he needs. It will set realistic expecations and and will give you a great tool to help your son. I know Down Syndrome is new to you, it was to me when we received the diagnosis. Just know that these children have beautiful spirits and are capable of almost everything that other kids are, they just take thier time. Enjoy your son, he is beautiful!
Sharon- that she is a dr. really threw me back. I would hate to see what she tells a patient who due to prenatal testing has been told their child has DS.
fairuza- lol Mr. Man would have been very surprised as he was talking business w/ her husband. All of a sudden I give the woman a big wack
Stranger- I'm thinking the same thing Umm Yusuf said cerebal pasley. If that is the case I wouldn't think Saudi would be the best place for her to live as again, the lack of resources really limits families.
umasiya- I think most parents feel sad when they are told. We all hold visions of our children growing as all other children, doing as all other children, and living as all others. Inshallah the sister will move beyond her grieve and do all she can for her child.
Laura- yea sometimes I hate people too And I will take some pics over this weekend and post them. He is a demanding little man and hates to be put down. Which means I get basically nothing done not even taking pictures.
Jeanette- I did order that book I'm just waiting on my shipment. And I'll be seeing a Dr. who runs a center for Children with DS in Bahrain as well as the Bahrain DS association. I do hope between these two places I can get beneficial information and support.
That doctor needs a swift kick in the bottom! Since this is, however, a common thought among people who know "something" about Down's Syndrome, it probably would be a good idea to have a stock answer prepared - something along the lines of "Yes, I know that is possible, but even had we known beforehand, Umar is a gift from Allah and we would not have thrown away His gift" - or whatever feels most comfortable to you.
I thought of you yesterday while at the market. There was a mother there with her teenaged DS son. He was having a good time helping her pick out the groceries. It seemed he was able to read the labels, or at least knew the right things by sight. While his speech was slurred (typical, I believe), he was understandable and very well-mannered.
Umar is a perfect Umar. As you are a perfect Nzingha, and Mr. Man is a perfect Mr. Man. We all have our faults and challenges, but we are all perfectly ourselves (not to say some of us - like me - couldn't do with some improving!)
That's not on the list of What Not to Say because it is so obvious. I think sewmouse may, unfortunately be right, that some other idiot will say something similar in whcih case maybe you should paraphrase--"You mean I should have killed him?" Idiots.
I'm pretty sure that there is a great reward in this, afterall isn't Umar guarenteed jennah? if I am correct, that must be of great comfort.
Love and Peace,
~brooke
I am with Fairuza! We specifically turned down the tests they offered for DS and other issues because abortion would NOT have been an issue even if we found out the child had an issue.
I love my little guy with autism SO much. He is the light of my life and I hold a special place in my heart for him. I would never have considered such a thing.
When I am with him I imagine life without him and it almost brings me to tears.
If someone said something like this to me I'd have been very tempted to slap the crap out of them!
God sends these little ones for a special reason. I posted a link to a video on my site from al Arabiya about autism/special needs children in the Middle East. The one lady had it right. These little guys and girls bring so much hasanat and ajr to their parents who treat them well that they are almost a "get into heaven free card".
Too bad the wider Muslim world doesnt think the same way.
Daisy has more experience than I do with special needs issues, but I have three years experience and Manal has 15 years experience, so anything we can do do not hesitate to ask!
Somebody somewhere said:the kids with disabilities are born not as a punishment from Allah but as a gift to the best parents there could be as Allah knows the best...Your lovely son mashallah is in the best hands he could be...dont worry about stupid comments..anything like that hurts but even hurts when you hear it from educated people.
I know you're busy- but have you seen this? http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24371034/
So why aren't they assigning male teachers to these jobs rather than the women?
Makes no sense
kikilia- the problems is that the small towns outside of cities have problems staffing saudi public schools. since the schools are segregated they need saudi women to work in these schools but since most of the small towns don't have the needed staff that live in the towns women from the bigger cities need to be placed in those positions. The same goes for the men, but the men have an easier time living in these smaller towns because women really don't live alone here. So they are really forced to commute long distances everyday.
They really should come up with better solutions to this problem
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