Nzingha's Soapbox
My lord, your self description could be of me...well after I got over that whole "Im a doormat" period in my life. I decided some years that I was threw trying to please people by bowing to all THEIR wishes and not following any of my own...so I became seriously anti social merely because I could no longer tolerate the games people play...was unwilling to play them...and people would rather you play the game...or cast you out...oh well. Cast away.
Anyhow, I dont believe Im like my father in any way (could be wrong, self deception is a hard trait to over come)...but Im definitely like my mother. Not always in good ways as well...but there are a few traits of hers Im glad I inherited.
We cant help but be impacted by those we are raised by (or spend the most time with) so we should assume our parents will influence our behaviors and thoughts in some way...of course we can choose to be like them ultimately or go our own way...a struggle for sure but isnt that the basis of life?
I had exactly the same thoughts. Maybe this is part of the aging process. As we rear our own children, it is impossible not to reflect on our own upbringing.
My husband had twin sisters who were adopted out of the family during the depression. I was contacted by one years later. When I heard her voice on the phone, I knew who she was. She hadn't seen her mother since she was 6, had no contact with the family, and yet there was that connection after 60 years. My mother-in-law had been dead for years, but her long lost daughter sounded and looked like her. There is much in genetics that we do not understand. You have only touched the surface. It can be interesting and revealing. Keep an open mind.
I was adopted as an infant. I have no knowledge, and have had no contact with my biological "family" since birth.
When I was young, my Dad was the disciplinarian - and also the brains of the outfit. Dad was smart, shy, bookish and a terrible tease/smart-aleck. So am I.
Mom was gregarious, funloving, and sociable. Me? not so much. My brother, SPTLM is more like that.
However, there are moments. Whenever she would have visitors over for dinner or a party, Mom would spend hours cleaning, dusting, cooking, polishing, and becoming increasingly hysterical that someting VITAL had been forgotten. THIS I have inheirited in spades! Pre-Party Angst is inevitable with me.
When I get angry - I become my Dad. I realize it. I can actually "separate" and notice the phenomenon - but it's hellish hard to stop it.
Since I share no genetic material with either of my parents (nor does my brother), I think this learned behavior-pattern thing is, truly, learned for the most part. YMMV
What a thoughtful post!
Just on the gender determination, my sister is so much like my Dad, physically, tempermentally, and morally it is uncanny, and for the negatives (the short fuse, the intransigence, the verbal knifing) very unpleasant. Yet she also has his honesty, his sensitivity, his remorse after he has blurted out something he regrets. Her son is like them too, but better natured (my sister has been helping him since toddlerhood with handling that short fuse).
The hub knows he can get me angry and thinks he can get me to change a behaviour if he tells me I or the behaviour is like my mother. Other people insist we are alike and up to a point we are. However the similarity hides differences that sometimes take even us by surprise.
I think there is part genetics, part gender, part social environment and family influences that determine our resemblences, along with conscious choices we make.
Great topic!
I'm sure I did pick up some things from my parents... (LOL was told almost daily from my mom that I was just like my dad growing up...) I know a lot of how I am and what I choose to do is because I dont want to be like them... or do things the way they did. I'm trying to learn from stuff, but... it does happen.
I think it is inevitable to some extent. Nature versus nurture thing. I think it is a combination of the two.
It is interesting you were relieved when your parents divorced. I wish mine would have done the same!
I picked up some traits from both my parents, some good, some bad. I also find myself working hard to try and NOT do some of the things that were done, or not done, to me.
As to siblings, I find it odd in my case that my sister, who always got it easier with my father, is the one who turned out most like him. She is verbally abusive to her children, she cannot have a conversation that doesnt go her way and she holds onto a lot of his racism and hatred. This recently caused another split between us with her nonsense and fear-mongering over Obaba.
At some point you just have to decide that you dont need it in your life, it isnt going to change or get better, so you let it drift away.
I am in the same boat right now. My dad was like yours and now his health...life even, is in jeopardy. He has been in the hospital now for three weeks suffering from congestive heart failure complicated by diabetics. I feel for you I really do. I understand the anger and know at some point I have to let go and think in the end to have peace in ourselves we have to do that.
OMG, just what I needed before bed, a good cry!
I seriously couldn't believe how SIMILAR our fathers are to each other! SCARY! Right down to the "COPD complicated by sever smoking", I kid you not! Did you read my diary or something? I swear, I could've taken that description of your father and tacked my fathers name onto it. UNBELIEVABLE!
We definitely will have to meet each other in the future. If anything, just to share a big hug.
I was on the phone with my sister tonight (right before reading this) and I asked her if dad had made it out to her marathon (he has no job, and does nothing all day except complain). She told me he didn't make it there and then she said "you have to realize, he's just a loser". I had to agree with her even though it hurt. To watch the very source of your existence crumble away into nothing (esp when they don't HAVE to), boy, that's a hard one, isn't it? I have been very reluctant to give up hope on my father, maybe I should start moving on and cut my losses now. Anyway, this post was AMAZING. Thanks for sharing it. I know how personal this stuff can be and therefore makes it a bit harder to share, but it helped me a lot!
I'm not the only one! Yeah!
cool- part of it for me is that since I cut of relations with my father for so many years.. did I escape his influence to the point where I should be happy about it all because I'm not like him?? get it? Its an odd thing.. being glad your not around a parent knowing that I should be upset about it in some way.
Um Umar- I can see myself in some of my kids.. especially Hannah. The good and the bad and your right I can't help but reflect on my own upbringing as I think about me as a parent
sew- I'm sure most of it is learned behavior. Although do you wonder if there are some things about you that you can't explain from your upbringing and wonder if it is genetic? Like did I pick up some of my grandparents and not know it because I didn't know them? ..
Mama Kalila- Neither of my parents were really affectionate with us as kids or even adults. And I notice that this is the total opposite of me and my brother. He is affectionate with his children.. but still makes some of the most selfish decisions that put them in the last of a long line of wants (same as my father). i don't get that.. and I'm affectionate with my kids.. hugs and kisses are a daily event and I don't care if Jihad thinks he is too big for them!! 
Abu Sinan- siblings are hard.. I mean there is a sense of duty but not as strong when it comes to parents. I'll say it.. Islam made me forgive my father and welcome him into my life again. And I've tried with my brother but I just don't hold that same sense of duty or obligation with him. So for me, the time has come to just let him be in his own world and I'll be in mine.
Janet- I've seen what anger does.. it makes one like my brother. bitter, unhappy, incapable of forgiveness it just eats at you and makes you become who you don't want to be. As hard as things are you have to come to terms your father is going to be who he is and live as he chooses even if you want it to be anything but that.
sabiwabi- glad I could be of service Some of it can be associated with the COPD because as I've read that doing just things that we find easy it is a full blown task for them. getting in the shower, getting dressed, putting shoes on and everything that it takes to do what we can rush and do in five minutes. And add in smoking!!! It is a slow suicide and hard to watch. No matter how many times he is told.. he'll smoke. in the hospital for a week with pnemonia again.. he'll come out and light up. I joked with my fathers Dr. during my visit who has been on him for years to stop smoking. That the only way to do it is put him in the hospital for a few months but I'm sure he'd light up even if he had to go butt naked to the parking lot to do it.
Cant even comment, being that I am so resentful of my family. However the nutty episode I told u about w/ mama coming here REALLY made me realize what I dont want to be and how my kids will look at me as adults.
So no you are not overly concerned. You are rightly concerned and the thing is, we can say to our kids Do what I say not what I do, but it will never work they are clay in our hands and will do what we do.
In being a good parent (and its hard w/ 7) I decided a long time ago to treat my kids w/ respect as other human beings, treat them like guests in my home because thats exactly what they are, someday they will be gone and they will be talking about us alot, to their spouses, their adult friends, either good or bad. Either bad memories or good ones. We are the most important and influential people in their lives. I always say dont do what you dont want talked about, sure our kids dont talk about our bad habits now to their friends but when they are adults they will, because they will be searching their own souls and people always talk to other people especially if they are in pain.
Therefore besides thinking about what kinds of parents we are, we need to think about what legacy we leave the world, and especially if we are pleasing our Lord.
My father passed away about 9 years ago now. I was living overseas when he got sick. When I got older we have reconciled, which more than anything, meant that I just had to forget what happened and the way he treated us when we were young.
I guess what bothers me about many fathers like this is that they just dont get it. The seem unable, or unwilling, to grasp what their behavior did to their children, their spouse and those around them.
I came back to the States when my dad was dying. I kind of hoped/thought that since he knew he was dying he'd try to make amends for the things he did, ask for forgiveness, anything.
I was wrong. To the end he had the attitude of "it wasnt that bad" and never offered anything close to an apology.
I dont harbour any ill-feelings towards him. I know he had a rough childhood and like so many, he passed it on to his kids.
The best thing I could do is to resolve to never treat my children like that. It is sad that I just turned 38 and I have no fond memories of my father. I cannot remember him ever hugging me, kissing me, or showing any emotion towards me except for rage, anger and violence.
I guess the one thing I can say is that I overflow with love for my boys. Everyday I tell them how much I love them, every day they get hugs and kisses from me. I make sure to spend quality time with them and make sure that the LAST thing they will think about when I come to their memories is something negative.
@Sabiwabi,
Sometimes you just have to realise that your father is who he is, he is never going to change and most likely never apologise or realise what he's done to you.
The best that we can do is to make sure we break the cycle and DONT pass it onto our kids. This stuff is often multi-generational but it has to stop somewhere! Resolve to be completely different, resolve that it ends when he does.
Salaam Nzingha
I can relate in so many ways to your post. I know that the same sex parent is the most powerful influence in the life of a person. So....your daughters will probably take on many of your traits, which is certainly not a negative thing.
I dont want to be like my mom. I will resist it to the death. Aside from our diobolically opposite religious belief structures, she is trusting, which I have been with mixed results.
anthrogeek10
The thought i am being my dad could get me in trouble, are you saying i should starting taking wives till the age of 60..hmhmhmhm. although i am huge fan of my dad and i missed him tremendously five years later, there are things would not do due to logistical or life perception. remember he had me at the age of 55. if we are becoming our parents then we should break the cycle somewhere.
Well in some ways you are like your father he had a preference for his girls was stubborn and hard working. He also thought it a joke to tell his wives he would take on another no matter their feelings. He also thought I was the best and told you before he died to take care of umm jihad so if you want to live to his old age you should speak no more about other wives cause you know I'll bury you in the desert. Jihad is so much like you too so I guess part of the cycle continues at least.
I met my dad when I was 32 and realized just how fortunate I was without him in my life after all .My mother, I forgave all , for she did the best she knew how , with what she had . The most important thing was we loved one another .
I guess those of us who can easily love and respect our parents are really blessed.
And I remember my daughter blurting out one day, I guess about age 12 or so, "I want to thank you guys for not being weird!" We told her she was welcome, of course.
Laura- LOL I think that is the biggest compliment you can get when your child is 12
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