Thank you for your comment!
Praying and wanting your son to not have leukemia is normal. If he did have it, you would probably be able to still praise God. David wept and prayed for his child until the moment he died and then David was able to get up and move forward. My husband and I prayed hard for our first son to live, and when he died at birth, we were still able to praise God. But yet, it still hurt something awful.
Sarah,
I have been a "fan" of yours for the past five months. I was reading Lisa Whelchel's journal entry and she referenced your name and blog. I decided to figure out what "blogging" was all about! I found myself for about three days straight reading through the archives. The range of emotions I experienced while reading your blogs when from laughing so hard I was crying to crying so hard, I had to laugh at myself. I couldn't believe a woman who I had never laid eyes on, had invited so many people into her life and her heart.
This post was undoubtly was the most beautiful one I've read. The emotion you felt as a mom, I could see myself feeling the same way. As a believer, I know that our children (I only have one, but aren't they all ours in some way), belong to our Father in Heaven. I know He knows your heart. You are a blessing to me. I look forward to the evenings when I've destressed from work and finished my mom/wife duties, to read what's going on with the boys and that precious baby girl. Keep writing. You are an inspiration to me! I pray God's continued blessing on you and your family... Dana 
Sarah, this post caused me to shed tears. How heart wretching to have to go through that terrifying experience. As I read, I thought of how I would feel if my own sweet boy, Snuggle Bug, was in a similar situation.
I thank God that Grayson has nothing more than a virus.
I must admit, my reaction towards the Lord might have been the same as yours. Apparently I have a long way to go as well.
Sarah,
I think you are way too hard on yourself. It may have been a test, and you may not have done as well as you think you should have, but you learned something. God understands. He's teaching you because He loves you no matter what - and He knows you love Him. I am so thankful Grayson's okay.
wow, your post made me cry.
I am glad Grayson is o.k.
I will be praying for you and your struggle.
Jenny in Ca
This is beautiful. I'm so glad Grayson is alright, and I can only imagine how difficult the waiting was for you. I'm pregnant w/ my first child and already worry about him or her--thank you so much for reminding me that God does in fact love this baby more than I do--hard as it is to comprehend--and just as Psalm 139 says, God has a plan.
What a wonderful post.
There's so much I could say, but I will be brief instead and just say thanks for sharing this story.
I couldn't stand knowing you have absolutely nothing to do.
So....you're tagged.
(My post about our save-the-babies project is up.)
xoxoxo
That is the single most moving and most powerful blog post I've ever read.
My heart was moved from the first few paragraphs but a river of tears lose when I read the word leukemia. I was transported back to the day my son called me and said, "Mom, I have cancer. Can you come."
It's hard to see the screen so I'll be brief. Your struggle is one the Father understands and I believe the only thing that qualifies as a "failure" is when we refuse to learn and grow from the lessons like these. And your words confirm that is not the position of your heart.
I'm hard on myself when it comes learning and listening, to being teachable and transformed. But I let my heart find comfort and courage in His endless grace and mercy, His love that covers a multitude.
Your authenticity is an inspiration. Thank you.
Sarah,
Thank you so much for sharing that lesson learned. I too, am in the midst of not letting go of something I need to let go of. My infertility. I KNOW He can fix it. I know He can fix ME. But so much of me has given UP instead of giving it up. There is a big difference! I am so impressed with your honest and conviction. Thank you for that transparency. We need to see that more often in our believer's circles.
God bless,
Andi
Thank you for sharing this- I know it was hard to write. It helped me to really think about myself and if I have surrendered my own child to The Lord. Thank you, Sarah. And I am thankful that he will be ok. But, you know I think this post also taught me that I should praise God if you had found out he wasn't going to be ok.
We often read "that verse" but this post taught me to obey it.
Your honesty inspires me. Thank you for this post.
Blessings on you and your precious family.
Sarah,
Moving, touching, convicting, inspirining. I actually got on to let you know that I did the Christmas meme on my blog but that seems like lame information in light of what you just shared. Thank you....JennyBeth
That was one of the most moving and convicting things I've read.
Your honesty, vulnerability and perfect ability to express your thoughts so wonderfully is leaving me with thoughts of what I hold on to ever so dearly.
And this statement really spoke volumes to me:
"I'm ashamed that I reacted with such stubborn refusal; I can call it mother's love, but I know my own heart, and I know that I held the very One who loves me best at arm's length. I am a Christ-follower; I'm called to respond not with what is "normal," but with what is "supernatural," with what makes the world wonder at the trust I have in my God. I have such a long way to go."
So do we all, Sarah. So do we all.
ok that was my cry for the week. geesh- that was so moving. thanks for sharing and being so vulnerable.
Wow. I have checked out your blog from time to time and I always seem to be blessed by the doing. This post especially blessed me. I am unable to become pregnant. I think I have given my "unborn" child to him and grieved. We have adopted and she is now 7, and I am starting to feel those feelings again. I just need to remind myself that I have given the child I cannot bear to Him.
Sarah,
I've been "eavesdropping" on your blog for many months- way back since before Addison was born. I absolutely love your blog- your writing is so eloquent and speaks so much truth. The reason I am finally deciding to make myself known is because this post ministered to me tremendously. I'm so very sad that you had to go through such a test for me to be ministered to- but this is exactly what I needed to read at exactly the right time. I've recently found out that I'm pregnant again- but after several miscarriages- my heart is so consumed with fear that it's almost impossible to have joy. I feel guilty constantly b/c my mind knows what God's word says and I know that through Him I have the power to walk this walk without fear...but yet the fear remains ever constant. I read this post last night and went to bed, yet again, with tears in my eyes. But this morning God woke me up reminding me of your words of surrendering Grayson to God. Through this post I have been able to realize that even though my fears are normal and my trying to handle things on my own is totally understandable- and even though I have the absolute priveledge to be the chosen one to carry this child and be blessed with another pregnancy- God is the only other person who loves this baby more than me! He died for this tiny 10 week old fetus. I as well have so far to go. I know mine will continue to be a daily struggle/battle against the enemy as I fight for this life. Thank you for reminding me that I don't really have to fight alone- the battle is already won!
In Him,
Holly in Louisiana
Oh Sarah, thanks for your honesty and vulnerability in this. It has blessed me more than you know.
So many thoughts and emotions surging through my heart and brain... I just have no way to put them into words right now. Ok, Now to go find some tissues...
Wow! I'm blown away! So very moving.
I hope that writing this was cathartic for you. It was a blessing to me.
Just when I think you've written the most beautiful post possible, you have written something even more beautiful. This one took my breath away...and that last paragraph hit me straight between the eyes.
Thanks, Sarah, for that transparent heart of yours. It surely does minister to me.
I can't imagine the ministry God is preparing you for. It is for sure something incredible and beyond your wildest dreams. Your experiences are such incredible God moments, God Stops. I can't imagine the year you have had but I can imagine the immeasureable blessings coming your way. Your church needs to add another femaile speaker to the lineup so people like your husband can have a break when the pastor is out of town. I think you may be the best choice. Women need to hear this stuff. They need to hear from you. You bring hope. Your message gives us all a glimpse into how God wants us to trust HIM with EVERYTHING.
I am so very glad your dear little one turned out to be okay!
I it is hard to be brave once, harder to brave and trusting twice, grace to be brave for all your children. I can remember a day years ago when my daughter, who is usually healthy enough started to worry me a bit...and then a lot more. I suddenly wasn't too sure I could keep coping if she got really sick too. Thank God she wasn't bad off (it was mostly stress from worrying about her Dad & bro). Even though I know Jesus would have given me strength and grace to deal with whatever more He put on my plate - I was so very glad that specter passed us by.
...basically, I totally relate to your tough moment.
and am so very glad your sweet son is getting better from his virus.
God grant your other children full healing too. May your whole family be richly blessed this Christmas.
*hugs*
Sarah, praise God that Grayson is fine. I cannot imagine what you felt like. Isn't it amazing, though, that even when we get frustrated, God does not give up on us or turn His back on us? There are times too numerous to count when I have to remind myself that my children are not my our own; they are gifts from God. I think it is hard for us to comprehend that sometimes as mothers, though.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are so brave, whether you know it or not.
Kristi
Sar
I know it wasn't easy replaying the past week's events in your mind so that you could share this post with us-but I do appreciate reading it. We love Gray and we love you guys. I thought I would post some of my fav pics from graygray.
http://thumbsnap.com/v/Yk9ptv4f.jpg
http://thumbsnap.com/v/BDm5OXpP.jpg
http://thumbsnap.com/v/yvbLUmIf.jpg
I have a four and a two year old. Both are boys. My first is very, very strong willed. I have struggled parenting him from the very beginning. And yet, I love him fiercly. When I was pregnant with my second and knew that I was having another boy, I cried out to God and asked Him to change me and to give me a child that was not as strong willed. He did just that. Z - is my little buddy. The one that goes with the flow and doesn't give me too much grief. I am always thankful for him as I feel as though he is my little gift from God.
When I read your post today, after wiping away a couple of tears. I went over to Z and hugged him deeply and told him I loved him. I just needed to.
Thank you for sharing.
Yes you have a ways to go (thats because you are still walking on this earth and if he was done with you, you'd be home), and yes you are too hard on yourself. xoxoxo
That was beautiful Sarah, and I appreciate your honesty. You are such a blessing to me, and you challenge me so much. I know exactly how you feel. I have felt the same way. I, too, am hard on myself, but you know that. I think you are wonderful, so wonderful. And, I am so thankful for you!
Oh, Sarah! I am commenting without reading what others have said, so forgive me if I am redundant. This post was incredible. I read the whole thing aloud to my husband who said, 'Wow. That is awesome." You are awesome. This sanctification thing is hard work isn't it? I am so glad to know you. Thanks for sharing what you learned through this test. God has definitely used it to challenge me.
Even though I have never met him, Mr Gray holds a special place in my heart, and so do you. I am glad he is okay.
You're the best mom.
I had no idea this was going on Sarah. The last I heard, it was hives and I recall recommending Aveeno bath.
Thank goodness he's OK. I think you've had enough to handle for a while. Rest assured that you've handled it with as much grace as any mother could.
He's such a sweetheart, I couldn't bear for anything serious to be wrong with him.
xoxoxo
Sarah~Oh goodness, this post moved me to tears. If I could only tell you, in words as eloquently as you always use, that I so appreciate your willingness to share your life, your struggles, and your faith. I am so grateful that God has given you this forum. I am amazed at the community and the connection here. And I am praising the Lord that Grayson is okay.
i don't know what to say. that was amazing. such an honest post that i'm sure we can all relate to. thank you for sharing your heart with your readers.
Praise the Lord that Grayson is fine.
I have to be honest and say that I would probably react just as you did in that particular instance, Sarah. I would turn to God, hopefully sooner rather than later, but I would still hold that child to myself before finally acknowledging that God is in control, not me.
Thank you for revealing your heart in this post, "warts and all". This Jesus-Follower thing has hard times as well as happy times and it takes both to grow us and make us complete.
Okay, I left a comment earlier and now I'm not seeing it. I loved this post and I think God totally understands a mother's heart and how much we love our babies.
Also, I almost mentioned to you that I was going to be in Dallas, but didn't think I was going to have any free time. If only I'd known! I would have taken you up on that Diet Coke for sure.
I am so glad that Grayson is okay. And you know what? I think God understands a mother's heart to hold her child so tightly.
Thanks for your beautiful, open heart.
Tears in my eyes...{{}}Chrissy
Sarah, that is just about the most beautifully honest thing I've ever read.
Sarah,
You have a mother's heart. That's the way God made you. Don't you know that Mary held Jesus close to her heart? God knows you, inside and out. And He uses you to touch others. Just as you've done in this post. You've touched me deeply. God bless you and your sweet Grayson.
I haven't heard that "quiet one" meaning before for Grayson. When we had our Grayson, the meaning we saw was "son of a gray haired man" and it really was nothing special, but my wonderful mother in law pointed out: Who is the Almighty "gray haired man" Ancient of Days? God. He is a son of God. So true!
Oh Sarah. It's so hard, isn't it? To the the earthly parents of God's children. On the one hand I'm unbelieveably grateful and amazed for the opportunity. On the other hand, I want it my way and many times don't want to listen to their real Father. I live with a timid heart that one day I will be faced with this sort of a crisis. I'm sure I will have a long way to go as well.
How beautiful. I understand wanting to hold onto them. It is so difficult to release our family to the One who is Sovereign(which is absolutely crazy-the Creator of all) I often forget that this not our home! It is all temporal. I am thankful that it is a virus.
I read your blog often. This post particularly touched me. I am often ashamed that I hold tightly to my children with closed fists, rather than open hands up to our Heavenly Father. The comfort I can give you is what I feel myself when I read Ps. 103:14, "As a father pitieth his children...for He remembers we are dust..."
I love you, Sarah.... did you know that? I do. I learn so much from you. I fail the test all the time.... I often turn myself from Him and refuse His love that He so freely gives, and ironically I often do this when I need love and comfort the most. I want the relief from people instead.... I want the tangible evidence. So I resist Him. I get mad that He's not tangible.... here to hold me and tell me audibly that everything will be okay. It's so hard.... I often look at people who have worse trials than me and continue to speak of their hope and faith in Him and I am amazed. I pray for that kind of faith. I'm sorry you had such a scare with Grayson..... that must have been horrible. But look at this post.... look how much you learned. God is always working on us. HUGS to you today.
Sarah, we had a simliar scare with Hannah when she turned two. The thought of leukemia is never an easy one. What you went through was so completely normal - especially after having dealt with everything this year with your precious Addie. Don't be so hard on yourself! God knows your heart! I'm glad Grayson is okay, too.
We went through a similar medical scare with both daughter (at 10 months) and son (at 5 years) and my heart pulls for you. I'm so thankful your son is healthy.
We are not perfect, obedient, supernatural beings. We are flawed. Every one of us, and I imagine it'll show from time to time.
Blessings,
Tamatha
(((Sarah))) Your words have touched me here ... I don't know that I would have reacted any way other than how you did, but it seems the Lord taught us both a lesson through your experience and words.
Sarah, we had the same scare with Olivia this past summer on her one year birthday. We had to wait a week for the results. I was so angry, yet trusting. I didn't want to tell anyone and I didn't want people praying with me because I felt in some way that would be accepting it. I just didn't want to acknowledge it.
Only God knows your heart, and He of course, loves you in spite of the things you say you felt, but your words and honesty have touched so many people....especially me. I'm better for having found your blog. I believe God directed me here...I didn't even know what a blog was! But, you and your sweet family and your words of WISDOM are so uplifting.
I'm so glad Grayson is fine. And, if for no other reason, maybe you went through that so you could do what you just did....write about your true feelings so the rest of us wouldn't feel so defeated. Thank you!
thank you for sharing this.
In spite of the "failure" you feel, the Lord is still gracious and is using you for His glory.
Blessings to you, (and so glad your little guy is alright)
Karla
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And even though you feel you failed the test the Lord gave, remember that he is filled with compassion and grace. He is a forgiving God of second chances. We all fail..... it seems like you learned a lot. Maybe even more than if you didn't fail?
Wow.
I am so moved by your blog. The way that your spirit testifies to mine. I have held back- refused- fought for control .....Thank you for sharing your daily life with me. My tears are a relief that I am not alone.
Second day in a row... you have me in tears again.
I honestly think this is exactly how my husband and I would handle something like this. My greatest fear, no matter how many times I think I've turned it over to the Lord, is that something will happen to my husband or my baby. When our little man was in the hospital for a couple days three weeks ago (an itty bitty teeny tiny thing in comparison to what you've been through!), I couldn't think clearly enough to pray as fervently as my husband was doing. He had already turned Troy and his little illness over to the Lord, but I, on the other hand, just wanted to hold close his listless little body as if I could ward off anything bad from coming near him all on my own. Sometimes in the hardest moments it's the living testimony of someone else's strong faith and surrender that God uses to teach us the most.
Your daily life testimony is incredible. When you share so transparently, it ministers to me and so many others. Thank-you for sharing this story and not hiding it from us. You're real, and that is what God can use to further His kingdom and strengthen His body.
I'm also so glad to hear that your precious son is ok. Praise the Lord!
Sweet Mercy...I cried through this *entire*post. I've not been reading your blog very long and am so very, very thankful that your precious boy is just fine.
You did EXACTLY what I'd have done. Seriously. "No, Lord....not this"
Still crying.
aj
I know, all too intimately, the shame of disappointing myself and the Lord. The sick feeling of knowing I could have made better choices - to be selfless, conscious, righteous. Instead I was small, angry, and hopeless. I'm so glad God has a covenant with us instead of a contract. In a contract, if one side breaks it, the other is released. In a covenant, if one side breaks it, the other is still bound. Though we are faithless, God remains faithful. You listened to the wrong voice this time, and acted accordingly. Next time you will hear better, choose better. In the meantime, I'm with you.
Oh Sarah, how sweet and real you are. I will be ashamed with you and admit that I probably would have felt the same way. I remember your awesome writing about God not giving us more than we can handle. Things like this are hard to handle and we can't do it on our own, and sometimes we can't release to God on our own. I am glad He knows that. (You know I still look back at that post.......and cry every single time....in fact I am crying right now.......good grief.
I am so happy that your little blond cuddle bug is okay
Thank you for being real....it nice to know that someone else needs Jesus
Commenting by HaloScan
