Dear General,

I just wanted to thank you for the example you set in suppressing your "innate attraction to those of the same sex". The thought of your chiselled muscular military body sweating in struggle with Satan brings a warm tingling to my little soldier and I'm sure millions of other manly Christian little soldiers all over the country. Surely all this latent, pent-up frustration will force the Homosexual Discrimation Amendment down the throats of the Liberal/Homosexual Establishment repeatedly until we finally withdraw, spent, knowing that we have done God's will.

Amen.
Moon-man | 07.08.04 - 9:02 am | #

General, sir;

The thought of those heathen, mustache-riders fornicating in an orgiastic spam of writhing, muscular, oiled thighs and buttocks; the tanned skin and rippled abs of two burly men intermingling, really puts my Bible in a lather. In fact, in the hours of research that I've done on the internet on gay porn, I've seen nothing but sin and filth. Let us kneel down and pray from Liviticus (did I spell that right? My Bible is still out being Simonized) 32:15, "And lo, the cattle and sheep came togereth unto thee, and mooed and bleated in unison."
wry twinger | 07.08.04 - 10:08 am | #

General, sir:

There seems to be a typo in your Cheney banner at the top: "Our future is a stake"

Surely you meant, "Our future is a steak". A nice, juicy beef steak. Because real, manly, Christian men eat steak. Consuming the flesh of an animal proves our manliness and confirms our dominance of the natural world.

And we like it rare, too, so we can see the blood of the animal which we are devouring, a holy communion of fleshly delights.

Yours in Christ,
Maj. Renato Christian, patriot | Homepage | 07.08.04 - 11:39 am | #

General,

Your letters give me comfort and insipiration!

It has come to my attention (alright, it was a goddamn dream) that there are Homosuxuals in Heaven, and they are there through both the Lord's Grace and their own Herculean feats of self-loathing and suppresion. "Yea, for it is better to hate oneself and deny your reality for an entire lifetime than it is to butt-snuggle with a dancing fairy even once." (Excretus, 4.11)

The sacred Hebrew texts which strictly prohibit Me Lady Menstrual Love as well as being creative with one's staff, written when seizures and gastric distresses were caused by the Evil Eye, clearly show that 9th Century BCE Jewish Priests halfway around the globe are the one true source of instruction to aid today's Christians in denying love and self-determination to others who think differently than they do. Amen.

To be a good Christian one must behave as if one is a Chosen Person, even if you weren't really chosen. Got it? Seems fair to me.

p.s. When the Lord raises all True Believers into the Firmament (alas, I am disqualified: I voted for Dukakis in '8 it will be a sad day, what with all the bad clothing lying around that will need sorting. But other than that, it'll be okay with me. The Caught-Uppers will be (presumably) happy and the rest of us can visit the South and drive off with their trucks.

Yours in Ideas,

Tres Quatros

+++
MJS | 07.08.04 - 12:20 pm | #

MJS, I believe you're sorely mistaken. In Heaven, us true-believers will experience nothing but joy. How could we experience joy without having our trucks with us? So when I die, I will be buried in my truck to make sure the Lord lifts me in the vehicle for my soul directly to that other shore.
Yosef | 07.08.04 - 12:56 pm | #

Yosef,

Just be careful to make sure you have disabled the Catholic Converters or you may end up rubbing elbows with a Pope--and that ain't right, no matter how you slice it.

p.s. Haloscan done took my second "8" and the end parenthesis (see Dukakis snark) and turned it into a Chinese guy with sunglasses. This occult shit has got to stop!

+++
MJS | 07.08.04 - 1:05 pm | #

Haloscan is in a league with Satan and Carson Kressly. Those sunglasses are a tipoff that Carson is somehow involved.
G. D. Frogsdong | 07.08.04 - 1:39 pm | #

Here was my letter:

Could you please explain why a social contract between two people is cause for anger and Constitutional amendments? I don't get it. If anything, ghey weddings ought to make your toes tap since they get George W. Bush's panties in a bind. Personally I'm for anything that binds his underwear. As far as I can tell, his panties are knotted by any problem which can't be solved with heavy ordnance. George W. Bush has such a tight knot in his trousers that he plans to amend the United States Constitution just so he can work it out. Hint to Bush: When nobody's looking, reach back there and give your slacks a tug.

Bush doesn't have enough support to alter the fundamental law of our society, but the proposal does provide him satisfaction for at least doing something to prevent public displays of affection. The marriage amendment might enjoy broader appeal if it was limited to ghey guys. But girl-girl weddings? Come on--who wants to prevent that? [Todd cues the Springer crowd: "We love lesbians, we love lesbians..."]

In the end George W. Bush is going to die an angry old man. Despite his best efforts, brown people will survive to protest his policy of killing brown people and gheys are going to get married. Hopefully those marriages will be limited to hot ghey chicks, but that's unlikely. In the future, married ghey people will all enjoy a slightly higher tax-rate.

I've been an American for thirty-nine years and I've noticed a trend in regard to such matters. After years of getting the crap kicked out of them by society, a persecuted minority finally fights and achieves a right enjoyed by pretty much everyone else. At that moment a few assholes make a loud stink. They've been making a stink for years, but at the moment of crisis, they make an even louder one. Once that happens, the rest of society takes notice. "Those protest guys are pretty much a bunch of assholes..." At that point, opinion shifts to the status quo in favor of the minority group. Like it or not, ghey marriage is here to stay. The only real choice you face in this matter is the category in which you'd like to be placed.
Jeff | Homepage | 07.08.04 - 3:55 pm | #

General? Might I make a Suggestion that Marriage be Further refined to White Landowners over the age of 60? Might even need a SUV for a qualification too, everyone knows you need a Large vehicle for carrying around your wife's extra baggage, and have room for 6 kids.
Oddly enough, I have a Frenchman's voice in my head, and he keeps saying that only a percentage of a Very small percentage that gay marriage applies to, and how could that possibly affect the majority of us God Fearing Patriots. Being that there are maybe 1 in 10 people are bum lovers, and only small percentage of them are willing to get married, and the majority of those are female....Guys always want to keep their options open.
Standing Tall,
NPG
N PJ Gobell | 07.08.04 - 4:36 pm | #

Ahhh, but don't you see, my bretheren & sisteren (sisterns?) --- the dear lord hath appointed, nay, BEKNIGHTED our Blessed Leader and his favorite Cheerleader, Rush FATFUCK Limbaugh, with the holy honor of keeping all those icky gay guys IN THE CLOSET??!?!

Because, after all, if the bum-lovers were ever treated like PEOPLE, then ohmahmuddafuckingGAWWWD, then manly men who enjoy a rousing game of Frat-Boys-Hide-The-Paddle would be looked upon as NEXT, they would be expected to "COME OUT," too! And that would just WRECK the Gross National Product, which, I believe, is a substance currently referred to as "santorum."

(And y'all know damned well that when it came paddlin' time at the ol' frat-house, Dumbya was FIRST in line! Rush, meanwhile, was too white-trash to get into the frat, so he had to make-do with the neighborhood goats.)
Anntichrist Coulter | 07.08.04 - 7:23 pm | #

Besides, it's not like those hairy-legged wimmen need to get married --- they've already got the LPGA! And softball! Don't forget softball!

(The WNBA doesn't even bear comment.)
Anntichrist Coulter | 07.08.04 - 7:24 pm | #

Yosef, it's well known that not only do us good rednecks get to take our trucks to heaven, but we get to take our hound dogs and double-wides to heaven too, unless we want God to spring for a TRIPLE-wide for us! Man, can you imagine, a whole triple wide just for yourself and all your hound dogs?!

- The Attorney General of the Untied States of America
John Asscroft | Homepage | 07.08.04 - 8:41 pm | #

Maj. Renato Christian, patriot:

Maybe the V.P.'s future involves said "stake" through his heart? As in, "We staked him to snuff out the vampire that he is!" Just a thought...
Gurlll | 07.08.04 - 11:44 pm | #

It's so simple. Guvmint gets out of the "marriage" business, and sticks to "civil contract," which covers all the legal shit, like getting screwed tax-wise for getting co-contracted, getting to visit your co-contractee in the hospital, well, just everything that guvmint sanctioned marriage now covers.

Churches take over the marriage thing. Then real believers and others can get "really" married before whatever god they think appropriate (or biggest, meanest, whatever)and look with contempt on everyone else who aren't "really married" without being able to dick with their civil rights.
Jerry | 07.09.04 - 6:53 am | #

Oh, Jerry, pooooor, naive Jerry, don'tcha understand yet that LOGIC, even as simple and earnest as yours was, is BENEATH the bible-banging vampires of the Dumbya/republicunt regime?

Logic, of course, is one of those evil, worldly concepts that would totally WRECK the xian cult's stranglehold on the planet. Therefore, LOGIC IS EVIL. Didn't Asscroft himself teach you that?

Don't worry, you'll have time for the remedial class when all us godless heathens are put into Christian Re-Education/Re-Salvation Camps.

You know, after they declare that we can't have an election 'cause of The War On Terra, and they put Dumbya up on his actual throne as Divine Emperor Of The West.
Anntichrist Coulter | 07.09.04 - 2:02 pm | #

Hey General Asscroft, when we both reach that golden shore, I'll meet you at your trailer and we can take our 4 wheelers out and drink beer and hunt big animals together. Maybe some fishin' too.
Yosef | 07.09.04 - 4:17 pm | #

Anntichrist Coulter,

You're right...I know it. It was just a one of those spasms I have occasionally. It hits me when they stop speaking in Latin or Tongues, and it seems as if there is something to debate.

Jewish priests wandering the desert 2500 years ago halfway around the world had it right, except for SOME of what Jesus is reputed to have said, but that stuff doesn't count cuz we're not in that dispensation yet, and I'm in deep doodoo cuz I haven't put any witches to death, and...and...what was I saying?
Jerry | 07.09.04 - 6:06 pm | #

Relaaaaax, Jerry, relaaaaax, Haig is in control now... Just kick back in the ol' Barcalounger, pop a tape of "The Ten Commandments" into the VCR, open a cold can o' Dumbya Beer (the beer that enables you to drive drunk, do coke, and STILL fuck an entire country by sunup!), and relaaaaaaaxxxxxx... We're in good hands, after all, good, strong, hairy-palmed christian hands of a bass-ackwards bigot and the wicked-good nuke-you-ler mind of Bigus Dickus... Just relaaaaaaxxxxx... They're gonna take care of EVERYTHIN'!

(And if you believe THAT horseshit, I've got some oceanfront property I'd like to show you --- I like to call it, "Arizona Bay.")
Anntichrist Coulter | 07.09.04 - 9:36 pm | #

Haig? Haig & Haig! Ah...I DO feel better.
Jerry | 07.10.04 - 3:17 am | #

SURELY I'm not the only one who remembers that fateful day when (now)Dead Ronnie was shot, and therefore transformed, healed & cannonized before our very eyes!

Quote: "I AM IN CONTROL NOW." --- Gen. (ret.) Alexander Haig.

I think that Bush I. was conveniently "out of the country" at the moment or something... the minutiae escapes me... all I really remember is, we were getting on the school buses at the end of the day, and all the teachers came running out to pull us off to watch the little b&w TV in the principal's office, because St. Ronnicus Grandiflora had been shot.

I also remember that one of the teachers grew very irate with me, since I was outside on the sidewalk, doing my little Evil Monkey Dance Of Sadistic Glee.
Anntichrist Coulter | 07.10.04 - 10:01 am | #

General sir, may I *please* be excuse from this particular assignment?

...Frist IS my Senator! Somehow I see reason to suspect that my most plaintive pleas, my most rapturous rhetoric, etc., is going to be of limited effect.

And dammit, my devotion to the cause of pacifism precludes me from a trip to Redneck's Pawn & Bail Bond Shop for their Second Amendment-supporting supplies.
Xan | 07.11.04 - 10:20 pm | #