So, uh, General, you want I should go find some of those CIFA spam-trolls and give 'em a good tire-tooling?
Anntichrist S. Coulter | 07.19.04 - 10:57 pm | #

Hee hee, looky what happens when you do a "whois?" on a CIFA.mil IP addy.

For counter-terrorists, they sure are sloppy. You'd think they'd try doing a google search for "public proxy server" instead of leaving a trail that even a slobberingly drunk Elder God could follow.

Ahh, our tax dollars at work :-P

PS: Welcome back, General =)


Great Cthulhu | Homepage | 07.19.04 - 11:09 pm | #

Some liburl slacker over at CIFA is screwing off on the computer when the boss ain't looking and reading Jesus' General. He's probably hitting a few porn sites, petmeds.com, and ebay.

Sometimes the simplest answer could be the correct one.
Yankee in exile | Homepage | 07.20.04 - 12:14 am | #

General,

we owe you thanks for the heads-up that our specialized monitoring process is not meeting the required anonyomous specs as defined in directive CM-5 1099, INFOCOM. This oversight will be corrected shortly.

Yours in patriotism,

CIFA
CIFA | 07.20.04 - 12:15 am | #

Sometimes the simplest answer could be the correct one.

Ok, yeah, Occam's Razor is usually right; but Stark Raving Paranoia is more fun, and better for the ego.

Sheesh, yankee, I bet you're a hoot at funerals :-P

re CIFA anonymity: If you have any other suggestions for hiding CIFA.mil, I posted the building address, snail-mail address, e-mail address, and telephone number for their proxy site (nipr.mil) here. Help them defend us from the evil Frenchmen.


Great Cthulhu | Homepage | 07.20.04 - 12:33 am | #

Chances are your sites were visited by webbots based on links from other sites, based on certain combinations of keywords, from an semantic web application probably created using RDF.

Have you see the CIFA directive? It's at http://www.fas.org/irp/doddir/do...od/ d5105_67.htm.
Shelley | Homepage | 07.20.04 - 12:55 am | #

Um, General:

Your URL
http://http//mightyspork.blogspo...about- cifa.html

automatically gets diverted to the Microsoft Corporation home page.

Has the Inner Frenchman defected to the dark side?

puzzledly yours,

cgeye (Miss.)
cgeye | 07.20.04 - 1:00 am | #

Like I was saying, Occam's Razor isn't much fun. In any event, for super-secret cyber-sleuths, they sure aren't very good at covering their slime-trails (and I would know something about that).

I saw that directive back in May, when I was initially trying to figure out who CIFA was. My personal logs show extremely brief visits, which made me think that I was just a blip in a program, or that someone was bored during their lunch-break.

But, again, where is the fun in that?


Great Cthulhu | Homepage | 07.20.04 - 1:01 am | #

I feel so much safer now.
Emily | 07.20.04 - 1:24 am | #

General:

I used to work for an undercover investigative agency. Non-investigative computers had the domain name that identified us as that agency; computers used for investigation were dedicated computers that had anonymous ip addresses that could have been anything. If we were investigating a site, standing orders were that we were in no way, shape, or form, supposed to visit the site on non-investigative computers.

Therefore, you are probably not being investigated; a true American who shares your beliefs, but also happens to work in that branch just happened to be reading your site. If you were being investigated, you wouldn't know it, unless you happened to know the IP address of the dedicated investigation systems.
BJ Chavez | 07.20.04 - 2:38 am | #

Therefore, you are probably not being investigated...

I agree. More likely, The General is right: CIFA is just looking out for his best interests, doing their part to help keep the French and other Freedumb® lovers away.

Of course, I'd feel much safer if they would set their bots to search for emails starting with "beHUNGforWOMAN" or "freeCI@LIS".


Great Cthulhu | Homepage | 07.20.04 - 2:52 am | #

General,

What mechanisms are you using to handle spam? I used to use Mozilla Thunderbird, mainly because it has a nice, manly, military mission sounding name. Thunderbird. Just saying it makes me want to sodomize an Ay-rab child to extract vital information to protect our troops. It uses Bayesian statistics to learn what spam looks like and get rid of it for me. It worked great.

But then I found out that Bayes may have been privately tutored by de Moivre, a Frenchman. Now, I took Bill O'Reilly's calls to boycott the French to heart. In fact, I came to believe that Mr. O'Reilly did not go far enough. Why stop at boycotting French wines and black-and-white movies about mimes? I boycott everything with the stink of Frenchdom on it; the Statue of Liberty and the nearby town of Lafayette, CA, included. When I have to use an English word derived from the French, I make sure to mispronounce it. I don't need no fancy bottled grape juice years past its "Sell By" date. They sell that shit in boxes these days. I don't need no Jerry Lewis (except for the telethons, but that's for... other reasons). And I don't need no damned French mathematics!

I need to find a new, more American spam filter, though, so I'm interested in what you use. If there are no good options, though, this is a sacrifice I am willing to make for my God, my Country, and my President. Still, I'm now routinely bombarded with messages advertising for sites advocating the homosexual agenda, the height of pornographic filth, sin, and defilement. I have no idea where these sites could have gotten my e-mail address, or the idea that I had signed up with my credit card under the username "im-spartacus".

But... uh... just for purposes of reference... if I had visited these sites and signed up to them with my credit card, is there anyway I can hide the browser history from, say, my girlfriend?
dak | 07.20.04 - 2:59 am | #

Chances are your sites were visited by webbots based on links from other sites, based on certain combinations of keywords, from an semantic web application probably created using RDF.

SkyNET, perhaps?
dak | 07.20.04 - 3:10 am | #

General, these assurances you are receiving that you are not under investigation are well-meaning but misguided. Occam's Razor provides a close shave, but it is also apt to nick and cut you. I do not advise that you remain calm and handle things maturely when the situation obviously calls for mad ravings and total panic.

This morning, while purchasing my usual bagel with a shmear, I received a super-secret especially sensitive coded cream cheese that informed me that the CIFA has been infiltrated by agents provocateur (they are French, after all) of the French government. They are watching you and using God's Government's computers to do so. Their plan, according to my cream cheese documentation, is to attack your little soldier at dawn on the 8th of August and spirit it away to an interrogation room in Niece, which isn't nice. There they will torture your little soldier with methods tested by our own military, choking him until he pukes, at which point they expect he will be limp with his torment and will reveal everything he knows. The title of the cream cheese is especially telling: "Frenchmen Determined to Kidnap Jesus' General's Little Soldier in the United States and Take Him to Niece, Where He Will Be Tortured Until Limp and Vulnerable". Some might find a title like that ambiguous, but I can read between the lines. I have been praying to Jesus of the Corner Deli ever since I received this message. You must exercise appropriate caution. I recommend panic. You must construct a hat made of tinfoil immediately and must also wrap your little soldier in tinfoil. There is no time to waste.

I intended to deliver the actual cream cheese to you, but the acids in the smoked salmon, what our semitic friends would call "matzoh", destroyed the code. The Mossad is very clever indeed.
G. D. Frogsdong | 07.20.04 - 8:09 am | #

Umm, The great General may not be under investigation. However, he is clearly under attack. Why send viruses to his site otherwise. To the walls warriors! We must protect our fearless, manly leader.
As to not being under investigation:
They wouldn't tell you if you were. The Patriot Act, you know. We all know the General is a true patriot. Therefore, he is protected by the Patriot Act. So there.
just wondering | 07.20.04 - 8:46 am | #

As to not being under investigation: They wouldn't tell you if you were.

Which proves that I'm under investigation. Unless, of course, they know that I'd know I was under investigation by their conspicuous silence, and so they'd choose to tell me I was under investigation to throw me off. But then they must know that I would be able to figure out their ploy, and so they can't tell me I'm under investigation because then I'd know.

And this is why you should never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
dak | 07.20.04 - 9:06 am | #

Hah, I'm a Sicilian and.....ACK!!!!
just wondering | 07.20.04 - 9:11 am | #

That cream cheese document is of purely historical interest and the General need take no note of it.
MO | 07.20.04 - 9:57 am | #

My Dear Gin'rul:

A couple of grain alcohol and rain waters usually does a purdy effective job of drownin' my pesky Inner Frog.

HS Yours,
I, Dr. Fillbot | 07.20.04 - 10:05 am | #

dak, you should try Kat Cora's restaurant in Lafayette: Postino. I heard it wasn't as good as when I was there (about four years ago on vacation), but when I was there it was fabulous, so it is worth a try. I still remember the rabbit dish with a demi glace-based sauce.
G. D. Frogsdong | 07.20.04 - 10:13 am | #

Inconceivable.
bushburner | 07.20.04 - 10:14 am | #

(Said with a slur)
bushburner | 07.20.04 - 10:15 am | #

dak, you should try Kat Cora's restaurant in Lafayette: Postino.

Duly noted. Next time I'm out that way, I'll stop for eats. If they serve a good risotto, I may even be able to drag my girlfriend along. (I say "drag" because the only reason I'd be out that way is if I'm going to visit my mom, or coming back thence. And not, if you're wondering and/or with the authorities, because I have hitched the poor girl to my bumper.)
dak | 07.20.04 - 11:20 am | #

Your link has an extra http in it.

Should be:

http://mightyspork.blogspot.com/...about- cifa.html
John | 07.20.04 - 12:46 pm | #

G.D. Frogsdong:

Sweet mother of bitter curd Jesus, but you're posting had me creaming my own cheese--in a non-Semitic, Christian-flavored way, of course.

OT, but if I sneer when I write "fuck" does that count as manly? Anyone?

+++
MJS | 07.20.04 - 12:53 pm | #

This whole thing at all three I've read that mentioned it is a lot of fun. The truth is likely that folks at CIFA are reading this site because they take their best advice from Patriotboy about how to run the war on terror. And that makes me comfortable.

I have alerted readers of the block I write for, allspinzone.blogspot.com, as well as the owner, Richard Cranium, to your issue here, Patriotboy. As many in the world as possible should know that our military is getting great advice straight from Jesus' General.
SpinDentist | Homepage | 07.20.04 - 12:54 pm | #

OT, but if I sneer when I write "fuck" does that count as manly? Anyone?

I don't really know. But since a sneer is really only a smile without the eyes, it could be interpreted as "lazy", or perhaps "half-assed".

Just to avoid ambiguity, I always howl out loud with hysterical laughter whenever I write "fuck". Annoys the hell out of Ms Cthulhu and scares the crap out of the dog, but better safe than sorry, ya know.

Excuse me while I go wipe off my chin.


Great Cthulhu | Homepage | 07.20.04 - 12:57 pm | #

Great googly-moogly, Ancient One, your tentacles sure are flying a mile-a-minute today! I hope that Mz.Cthulu won't mind that you're sliming the fuck out of the computer... or suspecting you of visiting all those "Meat Or Wound?" sites from B3ta.com... I know how you drool when there's a possibility of viewing weeping sores...

Okay, so is the General, that scion of respectable patriotism, being investigated or NOT? I'm lost at this point. Almost lost enough to find a movie like Jim Carrey's "I whupped the HUAC" movie, "The Majestic" plausible.

Isn't "Carrey" a French name?

And when do I need to invade the Baton Rouge EXXON plant, so that I can gas-up for the road-trip to bust a few CIFA kneecaps? Y'all are not helping the planning, here... Sheesh.
Anntichrist S. Coulter | 07.20.04 - 1:39 pm | #

Gracias, Great Cthulhu--but if I may be so bold, if you sneer when you wipe off your chin...nevermind.

+++
MJS | 07.20.04 - 1:42 pm | #

Great post, General. And equally great followups, Everyone. (Even you, Anti.) This is fast getting to be my favorite daily read!

Keep in mind that military intelligence is to intelligence as military justice is to justice. And we saw what the latter meant when Abu Ghraib was inadvertently outed.
Ulricii | 07.20.04 - 2:04 pm | #

P.S. Sorry about that misspell, Annti. (Or should it be msspell?) Either way, sorry....
Ulricii | 07.20.04 - 2:15 pm | #

AC-
Have you tried using the water from the gulf of mexico in your car? Surely that's got enough gas in it to use in the car. Or is that all diesel?
Yosef | 07.20.04 - 3:20 pm | #

General, sir;

I believe that the government may have their sensors set to detect any French words in blogs, such as 'bagette,' 'oui oui,' or 'douche.'

You must be diligent in screening your commenters, such as that Frogsdong and Anntichrist (which are both French-sounding names to me), and make sure that only American words, such as 'B-B-Q,' 'Hamburger,' and 'Collateral Damage,' are being used.

Metrosexually yours,

Lance Corporal Wry Twinger
wry twinger | 07.20.04 - 3:24 pm | #

Wry, is "penis envy" an American phrase?

I don't know what she meant, but my wife told me I am one of the few males who could legitimately have penis envy. Anyone know what she meant by that?
G. D. Frogsdong | 07.20.04 - 3:36 pm | #

That's a Woody Allen line.
wry twinger | 07.20.04 - 3:38 pm | #

I know.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on my metaphysics final. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Also Woody's.
G. D. Frogsdong | 07.20.04 - 3:55 pm | #

"All those things that our parents told us were good for us we now find out are bad for us: milk, the sun, college...."
wry twinger | 07.20.04 - 4:07 pm | #

An off-topic question for the Gen'r'l.

This Lance Armstrong feller. He's an American, and lotsa folks seem awfully proud of him. I'm not so sure.

Bicyclin. Bi Cycling. Is the man advocating for some queery "two boys for every girl" sorta lifestyle??

The Tour de France. de FRANCE! Nuff said!

Lycra shorts. Skin tight lycra over his manly buttocks and soldier, leaving little to the imagination a-tall.

I'm not so sure that this Lance Armstrong character is all he's cracked up to be, no matter what the Missus says.

Sam
Yo Semite Sam | 07.20.04 - 4:20 pm | #

I believe that the government may have their sensors set to detect any French words in blogs, such as 'bagette,' 'oui oui,' or 'douche.'

You may be on to something. I use many subversive words such as "rightard", "neo-clown", and "chickenhawk fuckheads". Of course, I use these terms disparagingly, so wouldn't be of any interest to anyone who is hunting down freepers.

That would explain why CIFA doesn't stick around very long--once they realize I'm one of the good guys, they toodle off to Little Green Fascists to look for the real threats to Freedumb® and Demokracy®


Great Cthulhu | Homepage | 07.20.04 - 5:08 pm | #

YSS,

Not only that but he is peddling his ass all over France???
bushburner | 07.20.04 - 5:25 pm | #

Oh I'm sorry he's pedalling. But still in my mind... Talk about imagination.
bushburner | 07.20.04 - 5:28 pm | #

So, if the fact that the General is not being investigated is in fact proof that he is under investigation how come that Joe Heller never wrote him into that Catchy book?

Or is it possible that the General is really Alan Arkin?
RossK | 07.20.04 - 5:40 pm | #

Hi did write him in. But then he wrote him out again. 'Nother one of those Catch-22's.
Ulricii | 07.20.04 - 7:23 pm | #

1. No pickin' on Armstrong. The man had TESTICULAR CANCER, so I don't think that he's really an apt target for "soldierly" humor. I'm sure that, being an Austin boy, he's more than capable at laughing at his own tragic losses, but still... not kosher.

2. Twinger, kiss my lily-white, tattooed ass. I took French in high school & college, I know about three Cajun French cuss words, but that's as French as I get (unless we get back to planning the Womens' Corps Convention... heh heh heh).

3. MJS, do you REALLY wanna think about what Cthulhu is wiping off of his chin? {{{shudder}}}

4. No, Yosef, I would never brave the man-eating skeeters down by Grand Isle to get that CLOSE to the mouth of the Mississippi... I spent 12 years using that sludge for DRINKING WATER in NOLA --- whatever makes it to the Gulf, stays there.

5. If the Mrs. is telling you that you have penis envy, GDF, then maybe she's got a touch of it herself... or maybe she ran out of Duracell Ultras...

6. And if y'all are going to start quoting the World's Nerdiest Child-Molester, I'm going to take my football and go home. Next thing I know, y'all will start waxing poetic about importing your OWN pubescent Asian love-slaves... oh, now, why did I say that...

*sigh*
Anntichrist Coulter | 07.20.04 - 9:54 pm | #

Next thing I know, y'all will start waxing poetic about importing your OWN pubescent Asian love-slaves...

Hey, don't forget quasi-incestual. It's not nearly as Nabokovian if we ignore la nymphette Soon's (adoptive) ties to her suitor.

(BTW: I see some people doubted that the photograph of Our Leader was of his halo. These people are filthy, uncultured liberals who only know of halos from heretic cartoons. See St. James for a composition so similar, it ought to be cited.)
dak | 07.20.04 - 10:15 pm | #

Aren't Lebanese women technically Asian?
G. D. Frogsdong | 07.21.04 - 1:16 pm | #

Depends on whether or not you still refer to the Middle East as "The Orient."
Anntichrist S. Coulter | 07.21.04 - 4:02 pm | #

It depends on how I refer to the Middle East?

I don't know if I can take that much responsibility.
G. D. Frogsdong | 07.21.04 - 4:19 pm | #

Awwww, sure ya can. You're a big boy, you can handle it. Besides, it's not like you called 'em "harem girls" or anything even more offensive...
Anntichrist S. Coulter | 07.21.04 - 10:12 pm | #

http://rogueplanet.blogspot.com/

RoguePlanet put up this link:

http://www.thepoorman.net/archiv...ves/ 002789.html

Funniest shit I've seen all day, no disrespect or offense to present company, of course.

And, since neither Rogue nor Poor Man pay me to post these links, nor do I receive any recompense in any way for plugging their blogs (and since they do not have any commercial sponsors who would profit from any traffic that I might generate) --- nyeh, nyeh, it's not spam-trolling, so there.

And somebody get the goddamned spam trolls out of my e-mail -- they are EVER so annoying, what with the male menopause and all that shit.

*sigh*

If only ALL men could be Manly Men like the Boy-Toy Auxillary & the General... *sigh*
Anntichrist S. Coulter | 07.21.04 - 10:44 pm | #

Caught that on Whiskey Bar a while back. Some funny shiite.


Great Cthulhu | Homepage | 07.22.04 - 1:55 am | #

Yes, Whisky Bar is indeed a fine "questionable joint", but it never hurts the karma chips to give your old buds a jingle now and then, either.
Anntichrist S. Coulter | 07.22.04 - 10:32 pm | #

I would like to add, Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: It is clear to us that both players have made mistakes and no one side is without blame in this matter.
bushburner | 07.23.04 - 9:41 am | #

It's obviously a trap. Having sent you many viruses using a variety of aliases to protect their identity, CIFA then visited your site using an IP that was openly registered to them hoping that your site would infect their (sacrificial) computer in turn. Then, with evidence that you were responsible for damaging a US government system, they could arrest you for cyber-terrorism. My advice; don't lock your doors so the no-knock searches don't damage them, pack for a tropical "vacation", and "invest" with friends and relatives of GWB right away (it worked for the Saudis).
Mojo | 07.23.04 - 3:06 pm | #

In your free time, check some relevant pages about...
Anonymous | 11.30.04 - 8:50 pm | #

Sounds like lunch break scanning. Perhaps someone at Dod likes french food so much they stumbled upon this treasured blog in wordsearch?

L'affair General, J'accuse!
Mr.Murder | 12.30.04 - 10:54 am | #

Who's paranoid? I emailed my reservation to Gitmo last week......
buck-Fush | Homepage | 11.27.05 - 4:52 pm | #

Peace to all.
I have in year and a half of blogging
1)Openly called for the overthrow of the U.S. Government and do so right now.
2)I e-mailed the Public affairs Officer at the Pentagon asking him to do his duty and help overthrow the U.S. Government by acts of Non-violent mutiny, like refusing to leave barracks or sit a in at his Congressional Rep. or Senate Home Office.
3)I've asked Mil. Members to do the same on many mil blogs. (I asked those in Combat areas to continue with mission reqs. but to contact their Congressional Rep. and Senators daily and demand withdrawl from Iraq.
4)I've taken part in 5 anti American-Iraq War demonstrations in Washington DC, one of them being a march to DOD SEC Rumsfeld's house. BTW-There were over 200,000 people
last Sept. demonstrating.

Just 3 weeks ago I noticed an IP that read DOD.
After such public notice of such a thing as this Mil vs. Civ spying, you rest assured of one thing. They been doing it a while.
About 6 weeks ago the DOD came down hard on Mil. Bloggers and some have been shut down and others are reposting old posts such as at Armor Geddon http://avengerredsix.blogspot.com

The goons are afraid we are having an affect on Mil Members. As well we should. Please urge other Mil Members to Mutiny in a non-violent way or at least visit the Mil Blogs and put forth a civil argument.

BTW- TO any DOD person monitoring this site and has at least an ounce of Humanity left in him or her please adhere to your sworn oath and protect us from America's domestic enemies and overthrow the Illegal, Immoral and Murderous Government of the United States of America by non-violent acts of Mutiny.
Peace. Your fellow Human
Human | Homepage | 11.28.05 - 12:16 am | #

We know that you monitor other sites too. Many times I have looked at my logs and seen visits from DoD and the military as well as Halliburton, among many others.

Like human said "BTW- TO any DOD person monitoring this site and has at least an ounce of Humanity left in him or her please adhere to your sworn oath and protect us from America's domestic enemies and overthrow the Illegal, Immoral and Murderous Government of the United States of America by non-violent acts of Mutiny."

If you monitors have any compassion do the right thing.
Static Brain | Homepage | 01.07.06 - 7:45 pm | #

Paranoid much?
BB | 05.22.07 - 9:25 am | #

tell me about it BB, why is CIFA monitoring sites?
patriotboy | Homepage | 05.22.07 - 4:58 pm | #

abcdefghijklmn
Great Site Thanks
Joe | Homepage | 10.17.07 - 12:59 am | #