Dear General,

Why, I am shocked! But, no more than when I found out that the adorable R2D2 and 3PEPEO from the Star Wars movies were a couple of Flamers!

Why, at first my reality based intellect rebelled at that idea as absurd. "Why would mechanical tools such as circular saws, drill presses or robots have sexual aspects when they don't reproduce of their own interaction, but must be manufactured?"

But, then I rejected that reality and used faith based "reasoning," I could see it.

They both have a little sugar in their tanks.
Holy Jack | 12.09.04 - 6:27 am | #

I must take umbrage to the General's suggestion that one of my ilk is 'gay'. Many of us cartoon characters have been mistakenly misidentified as a 'furry', a group of metrosexual humans who meet at conferences wearing animal costumes and engage in strange, non-animal like behaviors. As a result, we often receive questions concerning the timber of their voice, we repeatedly get asked the nature of our true gender, and feel unable to appear in the buff (au natural) in movie appearances. This confusion has to stop, or else I'll, I'll, I'll simply go mad.
Big Bird | 12.09.04 - 7:06 am | #

General, don't feel too bad. The enemy never sleeps, so you're bound to miss a few of the sneak-attacks. Thank God there are alert folks out there who can catch the homosexual lobby's constant efforts to recruit the young to their team.

Closer to home, I'm really struggling with my children's constant desire to watch Nickelodeon---along with Disney, another obvious tool of the French and homosexual lobbies. I mean, come on! What's up with Patrick and Spongebob anyway? You can't tell me those two are good Christian sea-creatures. And Jimmy Neutron, with his glorification of science, what kind of brainwashing is that?

Oh for the days of Davey and Goliath, when good Christian love was expressed purely between a boy and his dog. They just don't make them like that anymore, do they, sir.
The Venerable Ed | 12.09.04 - 8:33 am | #

P.S. The Wiggles is on right now, sir. Don't even get me started on them.

I swear, if it weren't for all the good Christian shows on cable, I'd blow my TV up, in the name of God.
The Venerable Ed | 12.09.04 - 8:36 am | #

Now Ed, Spongebob and Patrick once raised an orphan sea sponge in a fine heterosexual manner -- Spongeboob stayed home to do the cooking cleaning and sponge rearing while Patrick manfully earned a living for the family.

What fine heterosexual role models for us all.
MO | 12.09.04 - 9:16 am | #

I wonder if sharks use condoms. Or Dr. Suess characters, for that matter.

And, in this holiday season where we pretend Jesus was born on the 25th of December, instead of in tax season as it states in the bible, I wonder if the Grinch is a closet homosexual, and his repressing his true identity is what causes him to be so mean. He sure makes the whole town gay at the end there.
SpinDentist | Homepage | 12.09.04 - 9:53 am | #

MO, yeah, I remember that episode. And it worried me a little to tell you the truth. Even if the family roles were clearly and properly defined, I'm not sure my kids caught it. Mainly they just laughed.

Another thing, how about Squidward? Here we have a single male squid with no romantic interests who plays the clarinet in his spare time. That is NOT the kind of lifestyle I'm advocating for my children. If one of my kids wants to play the clarinet, it'll be over my dead body.
The Venerable Ed | 12.09.04 - 10:12 am | #

Another BRILLIANT letter General, but Cheney's "eel of domination" might well be a squishy, plastic bag of urine.

My father has had most of the same heart problems as the big Dick and one of the things that is a regular drug for him is a diuretic. Have you ever taken a car trip with a person taking a diuretic? Do you know how hard it is to find a restroom every 10 freaking minutes?

Since Dr. Evil has had to don a new pair of wider shoes I'm pretty sure that his eel is a squishy, plastic bag of piss. (kind of matches his personality, huh?)
sukabi | 12.09.04 - 10:53 am | #

The mob is run Mafioso style by a great white shark named Don Lino and his two sons, Frankie and Lenny.

I think I understand now. Exposing gay characters to children is bad, but exposing mobsters to children is fine.

Got it.
thehim | Homepage | 12.09.04 - 11:07 am | #

"how about Squidward" -- excellent observation, TheVenEd!

I suspect these perverts have been targeting our youthful impressionable minds for years. Donald Duck, for example, a bachelor uncle raising Huey, Dewey and Louie by himself, without any Mrs. Donald to help?!? As an act of familial love?!? I think not!
Brother Maynard | 12.09.04 - 11:44 am | #

General, sir;

Something must be amiss! You've gotten my cockles all up in a dander this morning! I too am effeminate, alienated, and vegetarian! But am I a homosexualist? Far from it! Of course, my little soldier stands at attention when I give my "roommate" Lance a full-body hot-oil massage, but isn't that a natural, manly thing to happen? And I also occassionally enjoy listening to Barbara Streisand...oh my dear Lord!...I think I need some counseling from my minister...I may be gone for a few weeks...
wry twinger | 12.09.04 - 12:06 pm | #

THREE PENNY OPERA MY PATOOTIE

Oh, the shark’s ass is shapely round, dear
And he shakes it ‘till morning light
Just a French wand has Macheath, yeah, and he plays with it every night
When the shark breathes thru’ his teeth, dear, hardened fellows start to spread
Fancy robes, though, wears Macheath, yeah, so he’s always ready for bed…hmm

On the boardwalk, Sunday morning, sighs a Nancy-boy, cruzin’ high
Someone’s peekin’ round the corner, just a peeping Tom from the right

From a gay bar…by the river, don’t you know…gay little cartoons, dropping trou’
Yeah, the undies have decorations, showing Mackie in a wedding gown
Looky here Spongebob Squarepants, got squeezed hard, after soaking up what was shoved
And Macheath spends like a sailor…bivalve mollusk’s are fun to love

Your chaps tawdry, Huckleberry…Yogi & Boo Boo, sweet Porky Pig
Oh, the line forms every night, dears, now that Macky’s going down!

+++
MJS | 12.09.04 - 12:51 pm | #

My Dear General:

This last weekend, Major Tammy (Blood & Terror!) and I had the misfortune of viewing the movie “Alexander.” Except that I was riveted to my seat in schlock and horror and that Major Tammy was snoring softly, we would have bolted out of the theater at the rampant homosexuality.

However, upon reflection I think your experience was even worse, as you were exposed to secret homosexuality, as insinousating and perfladious as ever.

Our mutual experiences cause me to believe that only when we are seeing the rampant obvious homofilms are we really safe from homos, because everything else has the secret homo cooties and we don’t even know we’re being exposed to it. It’s like it’s everywhere…I feel very torn and confused and I keep moving “Some Like It Hot” to the top and then the bottom of my Netflix queue.

Also, there were some insinousations and speculums regarding my sexuality some time ago: I AM NOT HOMOSEXUAL. And Major Tammy is fighting really, really, hard.

Please pray for us, we enjoy the attention.

Yours with our Dear Baby Jesus,
Miss Albanian Sworn Virgin | 12.09.04 - 1:00 pm | #

And this just in:

"TORONTO - In a landmark opinion, Canada's Supreme Court said Thursday the government can redefine marriage to include same-sex couples."

General, Sir, our northern border is tainted! We're surrounded by conspirators. The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch stands ready to be deployed at your command, sir!

Where's Rev. Jerry? Can we invoke a blessing upon our preemptive strike on Canada, before they start to infest our sanctified culture with their godless French-loving ways?
patter | 12.09.04 - 1:06 pm | #

Speaking of homosexual mortals, it seems as though your Leader is getting light in his loafers also.

"I always jest to people, the Oval Office is the kind of place where people stand outside, they're getting ready to come in and tell me what for, and they walk in and get overwhelmed by the atmosphere. And they say 'man, you're looking pretty.' "—Bush-Washington, D.C., Nov. 4, 2004
Wind God | Homepage | 12.09.04 - 1:21 pm | #

Real homosexuals are not vegetarians. Sorry to destroy this myth, but they are, in fact, definitely meat eaters. I recall that homosexual fellow who initiated me into the Bull and Scones Society of the Salvation Army. He often chuckled to himself while muttering "I love to eat meat."

Ah yes, despite my angry and tormented recollections of those days, I still have to say "Good times, good times."
G. D. Frogsdong | Homepage | 12.09.04 - 1:36 pm | #

Thank you for reminding us of the unnatural relationship between two of the characters in "Hop on Pop," which is the ONLY book that Laura Bush has gone on record as saying that her husband read to the twins. (She didn't say how old they were at the time. It might have been recently, who knows.)

Note, as well, that in "Hop on Pop," when "Brown comes back with Mr. Black," having left his marriage to the virtuous Mrs. Brown, having turned "upside-down," and gone off with That Man, they sit down to "Snack, snack. Eat a snack. Eat a snack with Brown and Black." And what is the snack?

A GIANT PLATE OF WIENIES!

Well, I never.
Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel | 12.09.04 - 4:12 pm | #

Mr. Ed,

You are obviously not raising your children in a proper godly manner. Laughing at Spongebob and Patrick making a happy heterosexual household for the baby sponge -- what iniquity.

From now on, you should loudly intone Bible verses about David and Jonathan throughout Spongebob. Then your young 'uns will come to associate Spongebob with godly manliness.

As for the weinies, it's obviously a homosexual INTERRACIAL cabal (Mr. Brown and Mr. Black being thinly veiled references to non-Aryans).

I say we take a can of sterno to the weinies and the book -- all in a proper spirit of reverence, of course.
MO | 12.09.04 - 4:37 pm | #

sukabi: Since Dr. Evil has had to don a new pair of wider shoes

He's MEEEEEEEEELLLLLTIIIIIIIIIIIiiiinnnnggg...
Mentis Fugit | Homepage | 12.09.04 - 4:41 pm | #

Astute, Sir.

When I saw recent photos ops of The Imperator addressing our troops,
in his snug new military-style jacket, I mistakenly thought:

Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Then I took myself into the closet and self-administered forty lashes, as Ms. Annti advises.

And speaking of Dr. Seuss (who I am told is a relative); what of Jake the one-eyed pillow snake?
I shudder.

Bleeding from the brain,
the Rev Jerry Gloryhole | 12.09.04 - 6:21 pm | #

Some heathens portray our Savior in such a way as to make him appear to be light in his holy sandals. They show him wearing a gown or dress and with long flowing hair. Let's see, oh yes there's the story about him hanging out mostly with men. I believe they called them apostles. Of course this doesn't bother me because I'm sure he was a manly man even if there was no main female squeeze in his life.

Contrast this to say, Donald Duck, who never wore pants at all and did spend many hours with his child like "nephews". No question all cartoon characters are gay. I have this on good authority from an inside source, Tweety Bird.
Rapture and Waiting | Homepage | 12.09.04 - 6:55 pm | #

Well, sure, Patter:

Merciful Lord,
bless our troops as they subdue our French-Canadian abuttors.
Such perfidy as allowing homersexuals to marry must not go unpunished!

Prince of Peace;
grant our soldiers the strength of ten as they enslave the surviving men, women and children. Candians will make excellent slaves, even the French-speaking ones. Their men will give their lives for our freedom, as it is written. Somewhere.
Jeffperado will know where.

And give strength to Rumsfeld, our Secretary of Death, in his PR trials.
We need his firm resolve to kill as many "others" as possible.

In Halliburton's Name,
the Rev Jerry Gloryhole | 12.09.04 - 7:16 pm | #

Jerry,

Maybe we should consider forming a *new* church, you write the sermons, I write the biblical justifications, and Annti does all our PR. Of Course we would be obligated to have our General, JCC, made as guest preacher, and spiritual advisor...

Just a thought.

Our first target, that unholy, godless Roy Moore who wants to deny the blessed commandments as given by our lord and savior Jesus, in favor of those outdated and invalidated jewish ten commandments.

Again, just a thought.
jeff-perado | 12.09.04 - 9:31 pm | #

1. Excuse me going off topic, General, but Monsieur le docteur Atrios is disrespecting our Southern way of life by mocking this story. Perhaps an upright and muscular Amazon.com review is needed to defend our Christian values.

2. When are you going to post more pictures of fish bonking?
Roger the Cabin Boy | 12.09.04 - 9:34 pm | #

I would like to add to the list of pro-homo movies that pinko movie, Terminator 2. That manly terminator was just a little too fond of the young John Connor. Shall we add pedophilia to the list of items on the gay agenda?

And does anyone remember the "Father Dowling Mysteries?" It seems to me to be a bit too unnatural that both a man and a woman refuse to acquiesce to the will of God and choose to be celebate when God clearly demands that all his TRUE followers procreate and produce a continuous stream of little soldiers of Christ....
jeff-perado | 12.09.04 - 9:38 pm | #

I wonder if sharks use condoms. Or Dr. Suess characters, for that matter.

Sharks do not use Dr Seuss characters as condoms. HTH.
animus | 12.09.04 - 9:51 pm | #

Interesting thought, Jeffperado.
General JCC Christian would be of course Father of such a Cult, I mean Church, and Annti would no doubt concoct amusing propaganda.

I for one think Judge Moore ought to tug his sandals on and strap that granite behemoth to his back, then lug it to every single Alabama courthouse.

Pay-per-view ought to bring in some shekals.
the Rev Jerry Gloryhole | 12.09.04 - 10:18 pm | #

I stumbled upon an ingenious plan to help ban homersexual activities, plan a pre-emptive strike and mail gay porn to everyone. Genius, sheer genius! Why when little Billy goes out to get the mail for his parents, what a surprise he'll have. Truly shock and awe.
sukabi | 12.09.04 - 11:00 pm | #

I volunteer to handle the collection duties, should such a Church come to be. I already possess suitable collection plates.
Well, okay, they're hubcaps, but since it looks like the Midnight-mobile won't be coming down off the cement blocks in the yard anytime soon, I'm glad to have found proper use for them.
CapMidnight | 12.09.04 - 11:29 pm | #

Roger,

I just made an attempt to post a review for that Amazon book, and was told that my review would be up within 24 hours. I think that's new. They might be cracking down.
thehim | Homepage | 12.10.04 - 12:48 am | #

General sir:

It has come to my attention that former President Clinton has been made a saint!

Can this really be true? This is what you get when pope-worshipping Catholics are allowed to run free!

Yours in Christ...
Maj. Renato Christian, patriot | Homepage | 12.10.04 - 3:01 am | #

Satan made me forget my closing tag...
Maj. Renato Christian, patriot | Homepage | 12.10.04 - 3:01 am | #

Thank you Renato, but the General wrote about this awhile back (and his inner Frenchman bought two stickers and ten magnets).

Jesus doesn't like it when you don't read the General's blog every day. Please mend your ways. I'd hate to see you burn in hell with the French for all eternity.

Seriously, It's good to see you in the comments again. I hope you stick around.
Gen JC Christian, patriot | Homepage | 12.10.04 - 4:23 am | #

jeff-perado, Rev Jerry

The Wind God would gladly volunteer as the deity of choice for your venture into churchdom. I will, however, need a few items. Firstly, a large marble thrown upon which to sit if every I find myself in the possession or a corporeal form. Secondly, an endless stream of virgins to boink with said form's naughty bits. Lastly, an endless supply of bock beer that I may drown all said form's sorrows in.

I will of course spend the majority of my time ignoring most worldly events, as any good deity would, unless of course rich dictators need me to bless troops marching in the name of freedom.
Wind God | Homepage | 12.10.04 - 9:34 am | #

Merry Xmas, Gin'rull, Suh!

Is that the GAY lezbeeian daughter of Our Infallible Mandater's 2nd in Command in the picture and would she be interested in being converted back to heterosexyoolality this Saturday nite?

Remember to keep christ outta Xmas!
Prince O'Peas | 12.10.04 - 9:55 am | #

Some of our favorite holiday TV shows also have "hidden" homosexual characters. Something needs to be done about this.
roxanne | Homepage | 12.10.04 - 11:30 am | #

Gee, General, I guess that this is how you know that you're really one of the popular kids now... all the blog-whores come a-callin', to plug-plug-plug (pleasurechest.com) their "wares." Subtle. Reeeeeaaalllll subtle.

Congratulations, Mon General. You have been officially pimped-out. I hope that you are at least paid the tributes (in cash/money orders/PayPal) that you are most certainly due.

Now, getting back to homersexshuls an' all them unnaturals... I could've sworn that I already commented on this thread, but it was probably just a small aneurism.

Scariest drag queen I've seen in a while, btw. Been down on Burgundy St. in NOLA lately? {{{shudder}}}

Frankly, I'd a whole-lot rather see grown manly men humping inflate-a-dates (even those of varying species) than hanging out on playgrounds in trench-coats, or wandering Burgundy St. at 6 a.m., searching for their wallets.

So, onward you christian soldier. Mebbe we will all chip-in and get you a Vinyl Repair Kit for xmas.

And while I most certainly enjoy publicity, I ain't helping any cults. At least not any where *I* am not the functioning deity. Dammit, if anybody here deserves virgin sacrifices, it's ME, you fuckers!!!!!!!
Anntichrist S. Coulter | 12.10.04 - 10:27 pm | #

General sir:

I apologize for not following your orders, which include religiously reading the General's blog and memorizing it just as I have memorized the Bible.

I think I my buttocks need to be disciplined in a manly and Christian way... don't you?
Maj. Renato Christian, patriot | Homepage | 12.11.04 - 12:44 am | #

Sukabi - I thought you were joking until I clicked the link. Tell me that we're not surrounded by idiots, please?
oldwhitelady | Homepage | 12.11.04 - 10:14 pm | #

Sadly, OWL (neat acronym, btw) --- 'tis true.

We are tit-deep in mouth-breathing fucktards, as far as the eye can see and farther, coast-to-coast and all the way up your fundament.

A little mandatory spermacide in the drinking water will help out a bit...

Granted, it's not RETROACTIVE (yet!), but it will certainly curb the next generation of inbreds.
Anntichrist S. Coulter | 12.13.04 - 9:58 pm | #