Well, y'all can't say I didn't warn you about Spongebob...but Bob the Builder?! That's blasphemy. Any cartoon character that encourages kids to pick up tools and fix shit is beyond reproach.

My son and my daughter loved Bob the builder---hey, wait a minute. Maybe they weren't after my son, maybe it was my daughter! Bob is obviously a manly stud, but I'm starting to wonder about Wendy. Come to think of it, women have no business wearing hard hats.

Once again, the ever vigilant Mr. Vitagliano has spied something that these lazy eyes missed. His unmasking of the hidden agenda of cartoons is second to none. Carry on you hyper alert soldier of heterosexuality!

You know, if those cartoons would only start concentrating on tricking kids into doing their homework, eating their vegetables and picking up their toys, think of what a great nation this would be.
The Venerable Ed | 01.05.05 - 6:33 am | #

OK, this Viggi guy has finally drawn his last line in the birdseed. I'm putting out a call to those giant eagles from the last Lord of the Rings movie, and they'll give Mr. V. a new understanding to the term 'pecking order.' He'll need 10 lbs. of all season suet to stop up the damage.
Big Bird | 01.05.05 - 7:23 am | #

General

I am sorry to have to report that you should be more concerned about The Leader's attitude to homosexuality than whether or not Barney and Bob the Builder support it.

My evidence? It is quite clear that the White House made a very delibarate decision when they chose the USS Abraham Lincoln as the location for The Leader's 'Mission Accomplished' speech. Some might suggest that this was done to show that The Leader had done a better job than Abraham Lincoln. I disagree. It was a hidden message to The Leader's Sodomite faction that contrary to what most people think, The Leader supports sodomy.
blowback | 01.05.05 - 7:51 am | #

Spongebob SquarePANTS...Bob the Builder and his big masculine TOOLS...Dora out exploring when she should be in the kitchen...Barney, well, that's no surprise.

But Big Bird? Do we even know what sex our feathered friend is, or like penguins, will we have to wait until he dies and the autopsy report comes in?

I'm so glad this American Family Association For American Families is on the case.

I've always suspected Porky, too, and think Petunia was just a beard. I mean, the pig wears NO PANTS, not even square ones. What a perv.
cosmic grappler | Homepage | 01.05.05 - 8:32 am | #

I was going say that it'll all be academic when someone answers Fred Phelps' prayers for a tsunami to destroy "fag-enabling" America (this is in-between his welcoming of thousands of deaths in the Indian Ocean earthquake), but someone mercifully seems to have crashed his website.
Kanga | 01.05.05 - 9:05 am | #

General sir, with all sorts of new cartoons being made up in Japan and China and other heathen Asianistic places, I'm worried that they may be slipping in a homosexual agenda and we can't even recognize it. Wouldn't it be better to ban children's programming except for that Christian vegetable group and shows that are clearly militaristic? Perhaps some patriotic cartoonists could come up with a show featuring the war exploits and other heroic adventures of Dear Leader and his manly team.
ZTP | 01.05.05 - 10:22 am | #

General,

Tolerance should not be tolerated! What Vitaglianionpinataeieio failed to mention was that Yahweh and his Jew Boy Temple Priests weren't tolerant: heck, they were anything but! And the admonishment against men doing the lateral tango was the only way to keep some of the boys from wandering off when the Rabbis were droning on about lord knows what.

So Christians: listen to the Jews when it comes to your Pants' Monkey, but don't listen to the Jews when it comes to shellfish (are you listening SpongeBob?), pork (Rush?), and eating the Mrs. during her monthly Vampira phase.

It's not all that confusing, really. Concentrate now: just ignore what the Dreaklocked Christ Killer says about food and Mom's Cathedral, and try to stay awake during the rest. You'll be glad you did.

Oh, and General: tuck my little soldier up behind my grenades had me reaching for my gun. Blessed thou art.

Tres Quatros

+++
MJS | 01.05.05 - 11:46 am | #

Sorry, OT:

There's a survey at WaPo as to whether Al Gonzales, if confirmed as Attorney General, will remove the curtains Ashcroft put over the nude statues in the Great Hall in the Justice Department. My guess is that the General would want to pass a missive to Al Kamen. Mine:

I expect rather than remove the curtains, Gonzales will go behind them, force Minnie Lou and the Majesty of Law to disrobe entirely, tie hoods over their heads, force them to crawl on the floor of the hall so that Law's genitals scrape the ground, bring in David and Venus de Milo to form a human (effigy) pyramid, and improvise new ways to mercilessly humiliate them until they break down and tell him what has happened to justice. As inanimate figurines, they are not covered by the Geneva convention and would instead be classified as unlawful combatants in the war on family values.
mentata | Homepage | 01.05.05 - 12:26 pm | #

Sir:

Nothing makes me fighting mad more than watching Nick Jr. to see the depths to which youth culture has descended in this country, but you know I always prefer to aim the sights of my rifle on foreigners. After all, Clifford may be a nudey, but that dog is redder than Oklahoma and there is no doubt he voted for Our Leader.

No, you need to tell Mr. Ed about the homothreat from Down Under: a set of pantywaists that call themselves the Wiggles. Have you seen these nambypambies dance, for chrissake? No manly man I know wears clothes that bright except on the deck of the USS Enterprise surrounded by big breasted women. Not these Aussie AIDS farmers; instead the only legal chicks around are a ferocious but transsexual T Rex and a lesbian cop with a mustache. The Henry fellow gives himself away with his flamboyant outerwear. God only knows what he does to that poor dog with those eight arms when the camera is off. And oh, that perverted patch-eyed pirate in tights, prancing around stroking everybody with his "feather sword"! Their show gets me in such a rage I have to stroke my nipples and obsessively suck on tootsie rolls until my blood pressure finally eases off. Unfortunately, I have to see it almost every day because it's on before my show: Playhouse Disney. Thank Jesus nobody else in Uncle Walt's magic kingdom company is gay.

DJ Col Harry S. S. Winfrey
US Wolfenstein, retired
mentata | Homepage | 01.05.05 - 1:08 pm | #

Sir,

I know your ongoing relationship with Dr. Vitalgiano is very important to your well-being, but I couldn't help but notice that you're missing your opportunity to be compared to the martyrs by suppressing the little private.

Respectfully,
Smitty Werbenmanjensen | 01.05.05 - 1:20 pm | #

Not to be a skeptic or anything, but are we absolutely sure St. Stephen's preaching was what enraged the Jews? Maybe he was trying out a new song and dance routine. What's tipping me off is the part about the Jews plugging their ears and refusing to listen to another word. That's the exact reaction I have when I see the Wiggles. And then I want to stone them to death.

Would that make them martyrs?
The Venerable Ed | 01.05.05 - 1:48 pm | #

General, sir;

Thank God and our Dear Leader that someone is finally paying attention to that mustache-riding, French-speaking scourge known as the Saturday morning cartoons. I've been suspicious for quite a while, and I may be slow but it's no mystery to me what Scooby Doo and Shaggy are doing in the back of that van. And any man who wears an ascot...well, enough said.

I've started a new fund drive called "Let's Put Pants on Porky" which aims to cover up the private parts of all cartoon characters. I know that many are with me in concluding that this is the greatest emergency that our nation currently faces. Funny, though, that I'm not getting too many donations right now...maybe because it's right after Christmas. Anyone know who this Sue Nomee person is? Seems like she's getting all the attention right now...
wry twinger | 01.05.05 - 1:53 pm | #

General, Dear,

I know your readers here have only the protection of our sanctified innocent white children in mind, but I must take exception to ZTP's exception: "except for that Christian vegetable group"

Do you really think deviancy is limited to cartoon animals, dear? Just look at them, those ripe round tomatoes and those jutting tumescent cucumbers! Well, it gives a whole new meaning to Salad Shooter, don't you think?

This Ed person needs to turn his attention to the Vegetarian Menace stalking young and impressionable minds.

There. I've had my say.
Auntie Nym | 01.05.05 - 2:44 pm | #

General!

As any right thinking American can tell you, this has been going on for decades. Generations of innocent children have been exposed to the evil depradations of Popeye and Bluto. Sure, Olive Oyle was around, but any fool could see they wanted to get rid of her as quickly as possible so they could engage in a little naked Spartan wrestling. And don't think Wimpy wasn't in on it.

God only knows what they did to the Jeep ...
sweet bippy | 01.05.05 - 4:03 pm | #

Dear General,

Big Bird is a fag?

Just as I suspected.

When my kids were little, Sesame Street was on some and the Queer Bird had a "friend" that came around only when he was alone.

Now, that alone was suspicious.

Bird's boy friend was named Mr. Snufenupulas, or some such shit, and he was an elephant looking creature that was hung like an, well, and elephant!
They called it a "trunk," but I always suspected that the appendage had a vile and disgusting purpose.
Holy Jack | 01.05.05 - 4:26 pm | #

Bob the builder

* * *

Can we fist them?
*YES *WE *CAN!

I'm glad to see that the Village Voice has begun to speak in tongues that this man can interpret for us.

Truly the Crapture is at hand!

...

...somebody get me a Kleenex...
.
Grand Moff Texan | Homepage | 01.05.05 - 4:32 pm | #

Venerable Ed,

I only believe what I read at catholic.org.

Regards,
Smitty Werbenmanjensen | 01.05.05 - 5:20 pm | #

Damn, Mentata, that was a fine letter!
cinnamondog | 01.05.05 - 7:54 pm | #

Vitagliano is exactly right about Bob the Builder. It's abundantly clear to anyone who has watched Bob the Builder: Building Friendships wherein the sexual tension that Bob's helpmate Wendy directs toward Bob is unmistakeable. And does Bob reciprocate? Nope. He must be a homo. How could any red-blooded heterosexual man not lust for that hot, busty blonde Wendy. I sure do...
leftwingnut | 01.05.05 - 11:41 pm | #

have you seen children play recently? they're pretty fucking gay. dancing around and having tea parties and shit.
someone (a martyr perhaps?) needs to put an end to all this gay fun kids are having these days. these gay characters are merely a symptom, a reflection, if you will, of today's gay child. i remember when i was a kid we used to give increasingly brutal beatings to all the neighborhood children according to skin tone, noticable foreign accent, and swishy manner of walk. and you know what? it taught those kids their place; it taught them to hate themselves; and it taught them to hate their lives just like good christians everywhere have always done.
gay children are the problem and if i have my way i'll paddle their little bottoms until they submit to my will.
cereal breath | Homepage | 01.06.05 - 2:17 am | #

The real lowdown on the Sesame street group was the National Lampoon track entitled "Christopher Street".

Also, it should be noted that one of the illustrators for the Bob the Builder series is the daughter of a man who has been known for his proselytizing activities for decades.
The Dark Avenger | 01.06.05 - 3:05 am | #

General Sir,

Maybe that well known homosexualist Bob the Builder needs to bomb things instead of building them. Then he would be a real man. Nation Building for instance is for women. Bombing the shit out of Civilians is noble and Heroic.


Here is a new song for the American rewrite of the cartoon. "Bob The Bomber...Bob The Bomber he drops a ton. Bob The Builder he massacres everyone."

Faithfully,
Snakehandler McAdder Esq KBE | 01.06.05 - 7:12 am | #

Melde Gehorsamt, Herr General!

I wish to point out that Attorney-General designate Gonzalez looks exactly like the little-boy half of the Dragon Tales' brother-sister team -- only, all grown up.

Any intelligent adult who spends five minutes watching Dragon Tales can see how craven and weak the characters are. The dragons act as if they were made of marshmallow, not the steel of sterner stuff. They are indisputably homosexual-like.

I believe a new line of questions for Herr Gonzales from our elected representatives is in order. They must break down the shameful charade of his heterosexual posturing and force him to speak the truth publicly.

Some of us stand by to assist with this effort, should harder measures become necessary. We have excellent references.

Once notified, we can fly in from Guantanamo or Baghdad or Facility 23 in Utah and stand by to urge Herr Gonzalez to reveal his secrets. We would like to do this during the public sessions, if possible. We can bring our own automobile batteries.

Hoctachtungswohl,

Oberst Helmut R. (Mrs.), Retired
Luftschutzbunker | 01.07.05 - 12:36 am | #

Cartoons and comics are such a giant queerfest it's easier to ask who isn't. To this day, whenever I close my eyes I'm haunted by images of those damnable, flaming Snorks, shamlessly wagging their long, floppy snorkles, singing "Come along with the Snorks, play along with the Snorks". Like I didn't want to, more than anything? Temptation, thy name is Tooter.

As for the rest, the facts speak for themselves.

Ookla and Thundarr: queer--the hair vest is a dead giveaway
Kidd Video: queer--I mean, they're friends with "Glitter the Fairy"!
Mighty Orbots: programmed queer, just like that notorious queen Mercury of DC Comics' Metal Men
Mr. Peabody: queer, or at least intellectual
Man-at-Arms: one look at that mustache tells me exactly how he wanted to "mentor" He-Man

It goes on and on--Tennesee Tuxedo and Chumley, Elroy Jetson, Blueberry Muffin, at least half of the Care Bears, Danger Mouse's assistant Penfold, Uni the "timid pet unicorn" from Dungeons and Dragons, Kissyfur, etc.

The only cartoon characters I can think of who unequivically walked the straight and narrow path are Popeye, who proudly displayed his hetrosexuality by engaging in manly wrestling competitons with Bluto, and the compliasant Betty Boop, although I heard a rumor that off-camera she enjoyed the company of the distaff set. That legend can be easily dismissed since, as we all know, the lebanese are a myth.
Cole Odell | 01.07.05 - 10:47 am | #

Hey, I always thought Mercury was a 'fairy', not a 'queen'.

Remember, Tin was 'in the closet', why else did he find it neccesary to swipe one of his creators' responsometers to build a bride for themselves.

And of course, any human woman having relations with Ultra the Multi-Alien was this close to performing beast

iality..........
The Dark Avenger | 01.07.05 - 10:50 pm | #

DA, you are doing horrid things to the little cinema inside my head. Stop it.

Well, there aren't any decent cartoons worth watching anymore, so I really don't have anything to pitch in the "Out The Anime" lineup.

But then, one of my favorite cartoons was "JEM," about the rather... "independent" female rock star/superheroine...

And if you go back and look at the best Warner Brothers' cartoons, the ones from 1937ish - 1960 (when the drugs were obviously FLYING around the studios, impaling themselves on the tongues of those brave, strong, masculine animators) --- THOSE were the good years --- anyway, if you go back and look at those Tex Avery/Friz Freleng/etc.-era Merrie Melodies and Looney Tunes, you'll SEE the most homosexualist/perverted shit that was ever slapped on celluloid.

Bugs Bunny was in drag more often than Harvey Fierstein! Not to mention the cross-species homosexual rapport/tension betwixt Bugs and Elmer Fudd. Kinky shit, ma chirrens.

So, if you REALLY wanna "stop" the invading homosexual tentacles of animated depravity, you need a fucking time machine.
Anntichrist S. Coulter | 01.10.05 - 10:28 pm | #

P.S.: There was a video circulating the dorm back in '91 or '92, that was called, "Gonad The Barbarian And The Search For Princess Lay-Me."

I never managed to get my hands on it. If anyone knows if it actually (still) exists, let me know. That's been bugging me for years.

Oh, and for cartoons-converted-to-live-action, here's one that I actually have seen, and I was rolling on the floor, damned near staining the rug, with laughter:

"The FlintBONES"

Made around '89 or '90, with less budget than I've currently got in my wallet, starring none other than The Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy, as "Reddy Flintbone." So stupid/tacky/goofy, it surpasses surreal. It came out long before the studio-sanctioned "Flinstones" movies, so I don't know if there's a "cease-and-dissist" order attached, or if you can actually find it easily nowadays, but it is a CLASSIC.

Especially when you can watch the cardboard scenery moving in time with... um... other rhythms... heh heh heh...
Anntichrist S. Coulter | 01.10.05 - 10:33 pm | #