Me so horny!
Susan Knight | 01.08.05 - 8:08 am | #

General,

Perahps the DEA would give you the respect you deserve if you went after Yanni. Master of the Pan flute? What's that all about? Talk about homosexual code...

I fear that Ed's supreme vigilance has stripped some of the gears in his turbo-charged mind. When he starts to see the dark forces at work even in his closest allies, such as yourself, I fear that paranoia may be setting in.

You know, some of these cartoon channels are on 24-7, and lack of sleep can do funny things to even the finest of minds. It looks to me like Ed may benefit from a mild, or perhaps not so mild, tranquilizer. If he waits too long, it'll take anti-psychotic medication. A gentle suggestion to that effect may be in order.
The Venerable Ed | 01.08.05 - 8:32 am | #

Psst to Ed: Zamfir is the master of the pan flute. Yanni is (was?) Linda Evans boy-toy. Other than Yanni's Greekness and lucious long flowing locks, I think he's all right.
jus' sayin' | 01.08.05 - 10:51 am | #

Greekness? Luscious? Long flowing locks? What part of any of that is "all right?"
St. Vitus | 01.08.05 - 11:32 am | #

j.s.---a thousand pardons, and refer me to Alberto Gonzales. How could I have made such a terrible mistake? Of course, it's Zanfir I mean. Though I wouldn't mind if someone dug up some dirt on Yanni as well.
The Venerable Ed | 01.08.05 - 11:58 am | #

Ed: You're gaydar is well tuned! Good on you for pegging Zamfir. Now avert your eyes: http://home.ica.net/~kbudd/zamf.htm (I'll learn how to a-href [i]after[/i] the revolution.)
jus' sayin' | 01.08.05 - 1:00 pm | #

humph. Guess I'll be learning italics after the revolution is completed too. I do know the difference between "you're" and "your." That's the wine typing up there.
jus' sayin' | 01.08.05 - 1:03 pm | #

j.s.---That seals it. I can't say you didn't warn me, but curiosity got the better of my judgement. He must be stopped. I suggest someone, perhaps the above mentioned A.G., teach him about the electric pan flute.
Reading and Wretching | 01.08.05 - 1:10 pm | #

Um, that was me retching.
The Venerable Ed | 01.08.05 - 1:12 pm | #

Sir,

Ed Vitagliano, a researcher for the American Family Association, questions the motives behind the project. The problem, he says, is that it is an "open door" to a secondary discussion of homosexuality.

I wonder if in his next correspondence Mr Vitagliano will address the dangers of his 'tertiary' (and your 'quaternary' discussion of the) discussion of the discussion of homosexuality, initially prompted by these cartoons. On a supposedly family-oriented website, no less!

Head... hurts.
melior | 01.08.05 - 1:12 pm | #

The Wiggles are four Australian men in colorful shirts named Jeff, Murray, Greg, and Anthony. I think you are right about them, General, because my four-year-old son calls Murray "Mary."

P.S. Bob the Builder is so butch, he hooks his thumbs in his belt loops and line dances. But he also goes birdwatching on his day off. Now, if that's in the English vernacular (Bob's a Brit), then maybe it means he uses his binoculars to stare at women's naughty bits.
Julie O. | 01.08.05 - 1:16 pm | #

Man, that Wiggles song takes me back to the 60's. Every little kid in England used to hum along to the radio when they played Rolf Harris singing "Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport". Over the years it took on the dimensions of a cult classic, and we added all sorts of new verses.

I'm sure those Wiggles chaps mean well, but to be honest they've missed out a few lines in that version you linked to. The way I remember it from college, it went:

Tie me kangaroo down sport,
tie me kangaroo down.
Tie me kangaroo down sport,
tie me kangaroo down.
(Altogether now!)

Bestiality's great, mate,
bestiality's great.
Bestiality's great, mate,
bestiality's great.
(Fuck a wallaby!)

Stick yer log in a frog, boys,
stick yer log in a frog.
Stick yer log in a frog, boys,
stick yer log in a frog.
(Fuck a wallaby!)

Share some sperm with a worm, sport,
share some sperm with a worm.
Share some sperm with a worm, sport,
share some sperm with a worm.
(Fuck a wallaby!)

Go to sleep with a sheep, mate,
go to sleep with a sheep.
Go to sleep with a sheep, mate,
go to sleep with a sheep.
(Fuck a wallaby!)

Stick yer cock(**) up a croc, boys,
stick yer cock up croc.
Stick yer cock up a croc, boys,
stick yer cock up croc.
(Fuck a wallaby!)

Intercourse with a horse, sport,
intercourse with a horse.
Intercourse with a horse, sport,
intercourse with a horse.
(Fuck a wallaby!)

Shoot yer load up a toad, sport,
shoot yer load up a toad.
Shoot yer load up a toad, sport,
shoot yer load up toad.
(Fuck a wallaby!)

Why not fuck with a duck, mate,
why not fuck with a duck?
Why not fuck with a duck, mate,
Why not fuck with a duck?

Tie me kangaroo down sport,
tie me kangaroo down.
Tie me kangaroo down sport,
tie me kangaroo down.

** euphemism for people too shy to say "little soldier".

Sing the whole thing in a fake Aussie accent, and repeat the last verse till you pass out drunk.

Thanks for the stroll down memory lane, General. Good times, good times....
Roger the Cabin Boy | 01.08.05 - 1:48 pm | #

General Sir:

Why does everyone always laugh at Captain Feathersword's mighty sword?
St. Vitus | 01.08.05 - 2:03 pm | #

Thanks, Roger. Now the fun memories of singing that song with my sisters is shot to hell. Oh, and you owe me both a monitor and a keyboard.
Reba | 01.08.05 - 2:35 pm | #

General, sir, I took it upon myself to write to Ed Vitigliano, and much to my surprise, his email address is "italian@afa.net". And all the time I thought he was an American. Anyway, I congratulated him on his careful vetting of TV cartoons, all the while suggesting that he may be giving the impression that he himself is homosexual, what with his narcissisticly witty rejoinders and bashing of Bob The Builder. I wanted to warn you that Ed may well be part of the self-hating homosexual community that aligns itself with the Grand Old Party to asuage their guilt instead of doing the right thing and getting cured. which is Hard Work. Don't let him come up behind you is all.
Ronjazz | 01.08.05 - 2:41 pm | #

Apologies to Jerom Kern and Dorothy Fields!

A FINE ROMANCE

A fine romance, in three letters
A fine romance, Ed’s a go-getter
You should be like a couple of gay tornados
Yet you spout like some guys in a play by Feydeau
A fine romance, Ed won’t wrestle
A fine romance, homo-sexal?(sic)
I might as well sing songs
Filled with manly cant
You guys should take off your pants
This is a fine romance

A fine romance, love so final
Come right over, and bring vinyl
You’re harder than the sharks
In a Dreamworks Porno
Your little soldier screams
A hearty “Bon Journo!”

A fine romance sans sarcasm
Each e-mail brings more spasms
It's time to lift your legs
In a lover’s dance
It’s such a manly stance
This is a fine romance

+++
MJS | 01.08.05 - 3:21 pm | #

vinylsexual lifestyle

Heh. I thought that was all the giggle I needed till Roger 'splained the "euphemism" he so thoughtfully used in providing us with the missing (seldom sung) verses of this old favorite.

Thanks, gentlemen. What with Mr. Vitagliano working to rid the world of the nefarious scourge of cartoon characters who might be gay, the General's will be the only place to go for some fun on Saturday mornings.
Emily | 01.08.05 - 3:29 pm | #

Greetings from Australia, General.

It has been my misfortune to spend the last five years downunder in a missionary position, representing Jerry Falwell Ministries.

I must bring to your attention the disturbing fact that the pleasant children's song "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" has been censored in this godforsaken land for the last 30 years or so.

"Let me abos go loose, Lou" no longer appears in any rendition of the song.
Tobin Maker | 01.08.05 - 4:21 pm | #

thanks for the biggest laugh I've had in quite a while.
Alexander | Homepage | 01.08.05 - 5:56 pm | #

Sir:

I am pleased as punch to see you informed Mr. Ed about the Wiggles menace. I'm sure he and the AFA will soon be all over them like disgruntled bonobos on a cucumber patch. However, I should point out a few innaccuracies in your statements. First was a 50% deficit in your Wiggles count: there are in fact FOUR of the buggers, which should underscore exactly how far out of the mainstream this wiggly lifestyle is. Second, as deviant as the feather-toting captain character is, further research has shown that he does not always or even often wear his tights. In much of the footage he has baggier black trousers in the fashion of MC Hammer, whereby no matter how hard I screw my eyeballs to the screen I can neither make out the contours of his firmly sculpted buttocks nor gain satisfactory insight into the size, shape, position, and demeanor of his little pirate. You heard about the tights here first, so it's on me and I owe you a Shirley Temple at the club.

The third issue really cut me deep though: you got my name wrong. It's okay if you call me by my former surname, as I don't expect everybody to understand my transformation into the Latter Saints Day church and O magazine readership. And hey, you did keep the DJ title which is important for advertising purposes now that I spin professionally (even better than Ari Fleischer). No the problem is that there should be *two* S initials for my middle names, "Samurai Superfreak", so carefully chosen by the MTIs that discovered and reared me in the Texas wilderness. As it stands, readers might confuse me with that president Truman, and after what that bastard said about dear General Mac I can't bear the thought.

DJ Col Harry S. S. Winfrey
US Wolfenstein, retired
mentata | Homepage | 01.09.05 - 2:26 am | #

Tobin:
I must bring to your attention the disturbing fact that the pleasant children's song "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" has been censored in this godforsaken land for the last 30 years or so. end quote.

That's terrible, Tobin.
I think people of the stripe of Vitagliano and those who would censor "Tie Me Kangroo Down, Sport" are just plain cruel. They may dress it up as righteous paranoia, but a rose by any other name remains.
bethiris | 01.09.05 - 12:24 pm | #

I am shocked at the General misrepresenting "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" as a homosexual anthem.

As everybody in New Zealand is well aware, it is a sensitive and tender traditional Australian love ballad. And the kangaroo was female.
Phoenician in a time of Romans | 01.09.05 - 6:48 pm | #

Mon General

The Wiggles song you quote is actually by Rolf Harris, an Aussie entertainer now smashing 'em in Pommy land (Britain).
As it is nearly 40 years old now, the song is not politically correct but in those days it was considered funny (it was accompanied by a wobble board, an instrument of simplistic hilarity) and everybody sang their own verses, e.g.

Let me root your boot, Newt
Let me root your boot
It won't take me long to shoot, Newt
So let me root your boot
(Fuck a wallaby)
wal | 01.09.05 - 11:56 pm | #

Love ballads, tying kangaroos down - that's hawt!

Now get thee behind me, Satan-tool!
jus' sayin' | 01.10.05 - 2:05 am | #

Dear Comrades-in-Arms,

The head of the Army Reserve has sharp words for certain Pentagon policy wonks, calling his Reserves "a broken force", highlighting his growing concern for being unable to make future deployments ANYWHERE, not just Iraq and Alabamistan. LtGen James R. "Ron" Helmly, lashed out at what he called policies that are "outdated" and "dysfunctional" [his words, not mine] for mobilizing and managing the forces, LtGen Helmly included official computations showing that only 37,515 troops remain "available" out of 200,366 soldiers in the reserves.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and speculate that LtGen Helmly will soon be buying the first round at the Retired General's Night down at Ye Olde "O" Club any day now...

General "Jimmy Cee" Christian,
Soldier for Christ
Recalled To Extremely Active Duty

Christian Fundamentalists for the Abolition of Purgatory. Our Motto:

"Send 'Em ALL Straight to Hell!!!"

REPEAT AFTER ME:

Gimme a "D"

Gimme an "R"

Gimme an "A"

Gimme an "F"

Gimme a "T"

Whattid we spell?

And it's one, two, three, four,

What the hell are we fightin' for?
James Nolan Campbell | Homepage | 01.10.05 - 9:13 pm | #

General Sir,

The aforementioned ballad of perverted erotica "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" was originally penned by a Mr Rolf Harris, who also was permitted to scandalize our children with such smut as "Jake The Peg":

I'm Jake the Peg, diddle-iddle-iddle-um
With my extra leg, diddle-iddle-iddle-um
Wherever I go through rain and snow
The people always let me know
There's Jake the peg, diddle-iddle-iddle-um
With his extra leg, diddle-iddle-iddle...

respectfully yours,
z
mister z | Homepage | 01.11.05 - 3:45 pm | #

The Righteous Ed has been at it again, with more on this depraved conspiracy against our innocent Jugend...

http://headlines.agapepress.org/...e/1/ 102005a.asp
Bistroist | 01.11.05 - 5:32 pm | #