Sir, General sir!

Why does Amazon hate America?

Struggling to return to the socialist closet but still Batshit crazy, I remain,
Batman 1970 | 03.03.06 - 12:43 am | #

Why General,

It's almost as if someone at Amazon did not want you to express your patriotic opinion. Wait just a minute; isn't an Amazon a not-male warrior? Perhaps you have been outflanked by those who wish to belittle your manliness. It pains me to even ask, but did the mocking phrase "tiny boy" come up at all in their reply to you?
Major Woody | 03.03.06 - 12:44 am | #

Sir:

Some may suggest that with the 34% approval guesses for Our Leader, Der Kommissar Rove is worried. But I say he will now realize he has to pull out the stops and plant a bug up his own ass (with the help of FBI operatives) only to claim that Barack Obama did it in a fit of homosexual activism after tiring of black caucus Hillary Clinton bukkake parties and thrice daily heart bleedings. Works every time.

Others may say that it's time for Our Deputy Leader to step aside, but I dunno... Cheney looms permanently huge in energy industry and war profiteering circles, where we get at least twelve votes for the price of one. It doesn't mean he'll be running next season, mind you; he wants to cash in those Halliburton options and hit the links, goddammit... at least there the only black people he has to deal with carry trays as opposed to the mantle of Secretary of State, and they never disagree. However, for now the trappings of power are keeping him in superwide wingtips and unlicensed quail hunting so we know he'll step down over Lynne's dead body. I predice Biggus Dickus sticks around D.C. like herpes.

Then there are those that say Giuliani will be Karl's choice for 2008, but again I disagree. Giuliani had a mistress, remember? Blue Horseshoe loves Sam Brownback. God is Sam's only constituent and the rascal looks natural in cowboy boots. Just have to sanitize all the kike-loving, but that's child's play to big K (and his street).

Keep fighting the good fight, sir, and show those liberal lesbian communists at Amazon.internets what it means to be a true, blue patriotboy.

Love (in a manly, heterosexual way),

Col Harry S.S. Wolfenstein
US Air Force, retired
xoxoxo
mentata | Homepage | 03.03.06 - 1:03 am | #

Mon General,

While it is right to give Thanks and Praise to our Dear Leader, ultimately, He will be rewarded by His close friend and confidant, The Almighty Hisownself.

It is the Patriotic Duty of Mr. Sammons, Regnery, and that Xena Warrior Notman Bookseller to sink their manly Pink Torpedos into the floundering hulk of the Clintonian Legacy.

Why even today I have heard tell of a dastardly plot to move, in toto, Slick Willie's boyhood home from the horribly misnamed Hope, Arkansas to the grounds of Our Christian Forefather, Thomas Jefferson's Monticello in Virginia. It figures that Bubba wants to be in Virginia.

Unforgetably Heterosexual,
Nat King Kong | 03.03.06 - 1:43 am | #

After reading this post I went to my profile at Amazon.com to see if my latest review (for The Professors had been edited, and it sure as shit was - right out of existence. That now makes two reviews of mine that Amazon.com has deleted. Fucking pricks. I would cease all business with them immediately if it were not for the fact that in December 2005 I paid $79 for Amazon Prime, their program that allows free two-day shipping on most all of their items.

To get back at them for this I am going to order the cheapest shit imaginable and have it all shipped two-day air, one item at a time. Here's what I'm ordering for myself:

Maxell Alkaline AA - 4 pk, for $1.99. Not a bad price, plus I pay no sales tax and they ship it to me 2-day express for free, which costs them probably at least $6.00 or $7.00, even with a negotiated rate from UPS. I'm always buying batteries anyway because of all the battery-powered toys my son has, plus he loves flashlights and has like 15 of them. Believe me, almost every time I go to the store I'm buying batteries. But now I'll get them through Amazon, always getting the cheapest ones (because they're all the same anyway), one pack at a time.

Fuck it. I also just bought you a 4-pk of those same batteries, General. Shipped by UPS two-day air, mais oui. Who couldn't use a few extra batteries anyway? Enjoy, sir. Fuck you, Amazon.
John | Homepage | 03.03.06 - 1:58 am | #

General Sir!

Apologies are in order Sir! I normally keep my fellow tall, blonde haired, blue-eyed not-men warriors in check, but this one, who is hell bent on controlling the dissemination of your completely comrehensive review of this excuse of a rag...er book, just wants to be a know-it-all renegade. Not to worry Sir! She will rue the day she decided to minimize the genius from the True Ultimate 11 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender. That Bitch. Alright then. Well made plans take time. I recommend one might sign in to Amazon.com (TM), to lay the groundwork for future use in a strategic show of ....dare I say it? Wits. Renegade Not-Man that she is, no one can be disloyal to The General and get away with it for long.
jcricket | 03.03.06 - 2:03 am | #

General:

No. 1: fuck Amazon!

No. 2: Both Bill Sammons and Fred Barnes have managed to take the whole of W's tiny dick in their mouths, but Sammon's one-up's Barnes by also swallowing W's balls in one spectacular motion. The man makes Linda Lovelace look like a novice.

Of course, the blow job is the secret to sucess in Washington. My refusal to put the knee-pads on during my time here has cost me dearly.

My advice to aspiring young people who want to make it big in Washington: practice on a banana. Learn from masters like Barnes and Sammons. Maybe they can give advice on what to do about the short curly hairs that get stuck in the teeth when they perform such acts.

Bart
Bartholemew Throckmorton IV | 03.03.06 - 3:50 am | #

I'm still holding out for the Regenery blockbusters:

They'll Greet Us as Liberators

It's Just a Summer Rain Shower

Help is on the Way (or We'll be There in a Minute)

Mission Accomplished!

It's Hard to Put Food on Your Family

Damn! Now What? How 'My Pet Goat' Helped Me Through Tough Times

Is We Learnin' Yet?

My suggestion would be to invest in Regenery -- these books almost write themselves.
The Venerable Ed | 03.03.06 - 5:49 am | #

I for one always like Degenerate Publishers!

But I like to think of the Commander & Chief as a real life Homer Simpson. For example, when asked by his idealistic mother how he could justify working at a nuclear power plant his reply was classic Bush, "Well you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard, in fact, I'm bringing the plant down from the inside." Truer words were never spoken about the Strategery of our Dear Leader.
Col. Klink | 03.03.06 - 6:18 am | #

General
I went over to Amazon and read your review as well as all the others. I was heartened to note the many positive reviews that pointed up the Great Leader's soaring popularity. Of course, you have to hold the polling charts upside down.
purvis ames | 03.03.06 - 6:27 am | #

...general sir,my scources reveal we shall all be eating fresh mangos soon as the commander in chief has made a spectacular deal with the country of india...nukes for mangos...
kingweasil | 03.03.06 - 6:31 am | #

KW;

I'm hoping that the pretendsident visits Argentina next. Nukes for tangos is more my style. Mr. Blackwell (the Bushco shill, not the self-styled fashion consultant) actually said that the reason we gave India carte blanche on their military nukuler pogrom while offering tecknicolonical aid with the civvie side is because that "quaint" nuculer non-profiterole treaty was not gonna work with them, so, fuck it.
demcommie | 03.03.06 - 6:48 am | #

Mon general

I came, I saw, I clicked
corporal waldo | Homepage | 03.03.06 - 8:11 am | #

Bart;

Quit sugarcoating it.

General, Sir (and all those below 11, enlisted in the General's manly and not-manly, but righteous militia--is there a new category of music in public places? Well, just in case it's not been named I offer "Rapzak". I'm sitting here at 125 High having my morning lat--I mean cup-a-joe and listening to SanTANa and some sortabrown folks carrying on over the building's PA system-tray diaboliquishess. It would curl my hair, if I still had some.
democommie | 03.03.06 - 8:24 am | #

...demo,im sure there are many in the administration who would like to dress in tights and tango.while we outsource india to watch china we can ease our minds with the cha cha cha...and the escartgo go go...
kingweasil | 03.03.06 - 8:35 am | #

kingweasil,

Did you say tights? Hot damn! Where do I sign up?

Batshit craziest, and oh so socialist,
Batman 1970 | Homepage | 03.03.06 - 9:16 am | #

General, Sir!

I think it's wonderful that Amazon still demonstrates this wonderously American and fundamental form of freedom of the press which has become known in lesser countries (the Frenchies come to mind, sir) as "censorship."

I cannot even imagine living in a country where such truly creative editing is not the norm. Why, wilfully presenting comments in the fullness of their context could turn a corporate success story like Amazon or even that stalwart of press freedom, Fox News, into one of abject failure and universal derision in a veritable heartbeat, sir.

Yes, freedom of the press to cut and paste, mix and match paragraphs, sentences and even individual words has become a cherished belief in this great land of ours, if for no other reason than to win the hearts and minds of patriots everywhere.

And speaking of everywhere, I am told that such freedom of the press is on the march throughout the Middle East as well, with carefully edited stories carfully crafted, with the news snipped and snapped just so, in order to inspire patriotic support for Our Leader and his policies, and at only $50 to $100 a pop, too.

Such a deal I cannot believe, sir. A bargain at twice the price. As Our Leader reminds us almost daily, freedom of the press isn't free. At such times I believe he is at his inspirational best, sir. I know I choke up whenever I hear him say it.

Every night after I unstrap my leg I sorta kneel down in prayer next to my bed in a large Maytag appliance box with a pretty good piece of plastic over most of it, knowing how good I got it, and I pray to God that we in America never lose this truly American form of freedom of expression.

And too, I pray that Our Leader will soon receive his eternal reward, for it is well deserved. He has surely done enough for us already. Finally, I pray for Our Vice Leader, Dick Cheney, who has done so much to raise the value of Halliburton stock listed in this very newspaper which covers me. I pray for some other stuff in there too, like some peanut butter, but that's most of it right there.

Sorry for soundin' so devout, sir, but I'm sure you understand.

Sir!

Pfc. John West (psycho oops)
John West | Homepage | 03.03.06 - 10:08 am | #

Mon general,

Eet displeased moi to see your revue was placed all ze way at ze back of ze pile, and Ah urge all my fallow postairs to run, don't valk, to ze review and give eet a thumbs up!
actor212 | Homepage | 03.03.06 - 10:30 am | #

General Sir,
I also liked it when Deer Leader said no one knew the levees would fail in NO, and then a video comes out showing he was told this was a pressing concern prior to Katrina making landfall. What a kidder! So, when is the book about Deer Leader's sense of humor come out? Will it be illustrated with photo's of Abu Graib, Gitmo, the lower ninth, and (the funniest of all) Iraqi civilian casualties?
King Spirula | 03.03.06 - 10:59 am | #

Sir,
I think Dear Leader was misquoted. I think he really said strugery, considering his methods of cutting away at the constitution.

Batman,
I am sorry to report, dear man, but Mr. O took the test, and he came out a Clinton-loving Democrat. I'm afraid it may not be fixed.

I remain yours in shock,
A Gandhi-loving socialist,
Jackie_O | 03.03.06 - 11:04 am | #

Mission accomplished sir. I can think of nothing that would add to the viciousness of these comments, so I will not dilute them. My personal favorites? The Venerablest Ed, Klink and Bartholemew.
The rest of you were great also...
durrati | Homepage | 03.03.06 - 11:06 am | #

General, Sir! Thank you for reinstating the troops' mandatory reading list in this post, Sir!

I believe Amazon's omission from your review of these essential works should be reported to CIFA, DHS, FEMA, FDIC, SEC, ROTFLMAO, or whatever hieroglyphic entity one reports such things to these days, Sir!
MzNicky | Homepage | 03.03.06 - 11:18 am | #

MzNick, a comment for you at the end of the WOW post, and oh yes, in case you didn't see I highly reccommend Ghia's if you can find one in good shape...
durrati | Homepage | 03.03.06 - 11:32 am | #

Sir,

I gave you my word that I would ooze my way into the fray of Oscar Week to spy on the Baldwins. Apparently, my musky mega-brio so overpowered the weak sisters of the elite Left that my cover was on shaky ground. Making the best of a kleig-lit situation, I took a meeting with Bruce Willis. Toying with the 'food' at The Ivy, just to make chit chat, I told the Hard star about the bullying bias of Amazon and their personal vendetta against you. 'Wait just a yellow ribboned minute, stinkeye! Are you saying that the most heterosexual general ever to don five stars is getting the cold shoulder from BOOK MERCHANTS? And about cool books I, too, like? They have moxie, gobs and gobs of moxie!' 'Tell me something I don't know', says I. So he told me something I didn't know but I forget what it was.

Then Bruce Willis said, 'Stinkeye, we haven't finished shooting, 'Die Hard 4.0'! Go back to the General after you get the Baldwins to crack and ask him if he'd like to be in the movie.' 'I dunno, he's up to his ears in Frenchmen' 'Yeah, but if he was on the big screen mowing down French Book Merchants, would he not be Bringing It On?' 'You interest me strangely, Bruce Willis. I am only a handmaiden in this Great Man's Army but I can almost guarantee the General will not leave the troops without a babysitter.' 'Not to worry, stinkeye. We have a steam bath scene followed by vigorous massages that I haven't cast yet.'
'They'll only work nude, Bruce Willis.' 'That's what we call cinema veritas, Doll.'

Hmmmmm, annhilatiing French Amazonians, with the entire world applauding and cheering the General on. The boys all get rubdowns that they get paid for, instead of the usual other way around. 'I like it, Bruce. I like it a whole lot better than this food! Let me take your proposal back to the General, run it up the flag poll and see if we can get this baby to fly. Ya wanna bet this celluloid adventure gets snubbed by the Baldwin Penns? Do you also wanna bet that it takes first prize at the Libertas Festival?' 'You're on, stinkeye. I think it will take home first honors at both. How much do you wanna bet? 'The usual, a gazillion $omolian$, Let's spit and shake on it'.

It's a powerful medium, Sir. I'm thinking, 'Birth of a Nation' with awesome special effects. Please consider Bruce Willis' offer. The XXs sure do hanker for slippery yet rough, lucrative Hollyweirdedness.
`
stinkeye | Homepage | 03.03.06 - 3:28 pm | #

stinkeye,

will the General get his own dressing room?
durrati | Homepage | 03.03.06 - 4:17 pm | #

General! Sir!

So much for mentioning other books in your review, sir!

On the other hand, perhaps that is why they just edited your review instead of removing it entirely...

Respectfully,
JillK. | Homepage | 03.03.06 - 4:46 pm | #

Jackie_O,

My sympathies to both you and Mr. O. I can't imagine the pain the two of you are going through. To find out that your entire life has been a lie. That you have been pretending to be something that you're not. In some ways, it must be sorta like being Ken Mehlman but a lot less slimy. And I'm guessing you can sleep at night knowing you haven't supproted atrocities like crimes against humanity or pushed talking points for legislation that would actively work against you or other people who might share the same sexual persuasion (even if he does refuse to acknowledge it.

Good luck to the both of you. I hope you both manage to overcome this crippling socialist - I mean social disability.

Your friend, the Batshit crazy socialist,
Batman 1970 | 03.03.06 - 8:38 pm | #