It is disgusting to me to be the first commentor. Where are the millions of outraged readers willing to add their voice to this powerful message of anglo-saxon manliness (a tautology, I admit, but we must drive the point home, so to speak)!

Amen, brother (a heterosexual term coopted by immigrants to mean potential homosexual partner).
arbogast | 05.04.06 - 12:11 pm | #

This is very enlightening, Professor. With respect to chart 5, however, I would suggest that there were relevant events pre-1965 that may indicate that, while 1965 may be considered a milepost, liberals were scheming well in advance. I speak, of course, of the "coincidental" release of Brubeck's "Take Five" and the appointment of Cesar Chavez as Executive Director of the Community Services Organization, both of which occurred in 1959. Coincidence, my lily-white butt.

Would you consider this an appropriate topic for a thesis?
tg | 05.04.06 - 12:16 pm | #

Charts don't lie.
K. Ron Silkwood | 05.04.06 - 12:31 pm | #

Oh, Michael Bérubé, you make me to laugh. There seems to be a missing chart on the correlation of the increase in spicy peppers in foods with the increase in immigrants. I recommend representing it in terms of capsaicin ppm (parts per million). This disturbing increase has led at once to a higher incidence of acid reflux disease, which is good because it fuels sales of pharmaceuticals, and a lower incidence of cancer, which is bad because it means more cranky old people hanging around.
A White Bear | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 12:31 pm | #

Somehow, all of this was exacerbated by the release, in 1967, of "Piper At the Gates of Dawn". Homer Sexual is the single greatest villain mankind has known since Mike Hunt.
Joe Don Martin, Esq. | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 12:32 pm | #

We must not forget that the rise of the Brown People Menace is also inextricably tied to the rise in polyester leisure suits, which were so popular from 1965-ish to the early 80s.

This was obviously a murderous plot by the commies to smuggle in clothing that appeared very manly but that would smother the fine spermatazoan-American-producing organs of white men.

The professor really needs to add a chart, preferably in baby blue and lime green, to raise public awareness of this dreadful menace.
MO | 05.04.06 - 12:34 pm | #

Professor, Professor, you forgot the solution to our immigration threat/menace: bring back indentured servitude. Back when men were real white heterosexual men and savages could be enslaved or exterminated with impunity, poor Europeans understood that they had to work a little to earn their freedom. Resist White Guilt by rounding up the illegals and giving them the choice of deportation or indentured servitude to the corporation of their choice for, oh, say, 10 years. Wait, why let them choose...?
The Constructivist | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 12:57 pm | #

Professor! Sir!

Which of the chart lines point to Chappaquiddick?

Thank you Sir!
my cat's stenographer | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 12:59 pm | #

But of course my name is not "really" illotus, my dear fellow[?]. Good Lord, one can but imagine the endless bevy of frisky Coulterites calling me at all hours, imploring me to bed with their bags of golf sticks.

Perhaps you will recall that Our Lord and Saviour sat on "the right hand of God"? Well, there is another ineffable mitt, don't you know, with a few rather sumptuous laz-e-boys thereabouts? And my people came over on the SS Oily Decks, c. 1955, after all. Wonderfully expert in this business o' "aliens" and so forth. Blood tells, and all that.

As for your lines and squiggles and other schoolboy gibberish, I don't give a green fig for 'em. 'Tis my country, now that I am here. Sweet land of liberty to sniff at "larnin'" and such.

And if the colored class cares to follow, more to the good of those of us who, lacking servants, would have to pass wind with the windows left shut.

Must say, however, that Astrud Gilberto's Corcovado still renders me rather limp in all the right spots. That right manly Getz fellow (yet another wog!) is but another helpless critter under her evil wimmen spell.
illotus | 05.04.06 - 12:59 pm | #

Thank you, Professor! This explains SO much of what has gone wrong in Our Great Nation, and why there is so much opposition to Our Leader's brave attempts to get The Country back on course!

However, I agree with A White Bear. There should definitely be a chart about the food. Not just the Hispanic food. There's all that spicy Chinese and Korean stuff. Someone needs to do something about that.
Gentlewoman | 05.04.06 - 1:00 pm | #

while 1965 may be considered a milepost, liberals were scheming well in advance. I speak, of course, of the "coincidental" release of Brubeck's "Take Five" and the appointment of Cesar Chavez as Executive Director of the Community Services Organization, both of which occurred in 1959. Coincidence, my lily-white butt.

A trenchant observation, tg, and yes, you should begin work on that thesis without further delay. There has been no scholarship to date on the Brubeck-Chavez connection, let alone Brubeck's and Paul Desmond's Middle Eastern ties. The very first song on Time Out, after all, was "Blue Rondo à la Turk," and it was written in the anti-American time signature of 9/8. Musical experiment -- or signal to radical Arab nationalists?

There seems to be a missing chart on the correlation of the increase in spicy peppers in foods with the increase in immigrants.

Ah, yes, White Bear, sometimes the truth is hidden in plain sight, is it not? What State Department culinologists are calling the "Jalapeño Offensive" was jump-started by the repeal of Johnson-Reed, and quickly spread from isolated cantinas in the Southwest into every strip mall from sea to shining sea. Thanks for the reminder!

The professor really needs to add a chart, preferably in baby blue and lime green

Whoa! I went to the '78 prom in a baby blue tux with a lime green shirt. It caught fire, but otherwise I had a good time.

Which of the chart lines point to Chappaquiddick?

Please, I am a busy man, and have no time for trick questions. As you know, cat's stenographer, they all lead to Chappaquiddick.
Michael Bérubé | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 1:02 pm | #

I never used to know what chipotle meant.
owlbear1 | 05.04.06 - 1:09 pm | #

The attempt by patriotic Americans to counter with Billy Ray Cyrus in the mid-1990s, and then to reformat Cyrus as “Toby Keith” in more recent years, has only managed to build a few easily-breachable levees against the rising tide of salsa, samba, tejana, danza, merengue, son, mariachi, and bossa nova.

That's not entirely fair. I don't think anyone could have anticipated the breach of the easily-breachable levees.
potus | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 1:12 pm | #

Professor,

you've sure written a lotta words here. Which words do I put down on the exam to receive a job with a good company?

Also, there are still aproximately zero homosexuals in this country, in the same sense as there are approximately zero bears (a fortiori).
mathpants | 05.04.06 - 1:37 pm | #

...sir,i dont know what your implying with all those charts at half staff,but my little immigrant is working just fine...
kingweasil | 05.04.06 - 2:26 pm | #

I don't see what the problem is. I still prefer the Kraft parmesan...
Tim | 05.04.06 - 2:50 pm | #

Cletis has a copy of the final...
Geoman | 05.04.06 - 3:00 pm | #

And what about the 55% of whites that voted for David Duke?
Dick | 05.04.06 - 3:09 pm | #

Wait, Professor, I know you're heading home right here at the end of your office hours, but I need to see if I can get this extra credit. See, I did some more research and found out that all this is a plot by the white Mexicans to send their dark Mexicans to Our Nation of Manifest Destiny as revenge for both the Spanish-American and Mexican Wars. So a better idea than indentured servitude would be slavery. You know, putting them to work alongside the descendants of slaves we now call "prisoners." Apparently that's another thing We're Number One at--who knew? I think that's a better decision than reservations--that hasn't been working out so great for the GOP lately, has it, but you'd need a level of prescience that's in regrettably short supply in this post-9/11 era. (P.S.--can I get extra credit for using the words I learned in my SAT prep class?)
The Constructivist | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 3:09 pm | #

I was most disheartened to discover there was not one chart representing the post 1965 increase in gasoline and battery consumption as correlated to the massive influx of immigrants. Immigrant low riders, using the larger muscle engines of Ford (451) and GM (409 and 454) with dozens of Delco/Interstate batteries running hydraulic kits, are sucking up all of our precious energy resources. And that doesn't even begin to account for all the mobile taco and taquito stands. This is a major catastrophe.
spyder | 05.04.06 - 3:26 pm | #

spyder,

have you seen what the queers are doing to the soil??
mathpants | 05.04.06 - 3:58 pm | #

Ah Bean toot, Michael Berube!

First off; is it Bearooobee or bahruubee?

Charts, we don't need no stinking charts. Fuck sakes, get on the elevator, buy a lawn mower or a box of rubbers, watch the damn teevee, whatever! Spanish, French, Korean, Russian--shit it just won't quit. I was in this high rise the other day, hardly anybody spoke Merkin 'tall. Oh, wait, that's right, it was the UN, but still.

I just seen on the internews where Emperor Outtolunch's handlers are saying that though he sprinkles his speeches with a few words of spanish he doesn't really speak the language well. He's batting a thousand in that department.
democommie | 05.04.06 - 5:55 pm | #

I don't see why any of you are taking the word of someone with two accents over his last name.
King of Pants | 05.04.06 - 6:05 pm | #

Thank God I was late to the lecture as usual. I hate being called on, and who but the overeducated knows about Reed's Johnson and where it was in 1924 anyway.

I must say that charts four and five are worth the dilation I had to put up with to see them. I figured when people were speaking Spanish around me they were backtalking, and now I have the data to prove it. Thanks for that.

I had never considered blaming immigrants for the "Santana Comeback Effect," but thanks to chart five I have one more prejudice to add to my array. If you can't use statistics and charts to reinforce your preconceived notions, what can you use them for?
The Venerable Ed | 05.04.06 - 6:15 pm | #

Michael "that is a very french name for sure" or should that be Michel cause you are surely french, cause if you were not, you would surely have drawn the graph of the increase in Oil price to the presence of the immigrants, Oh yes without them driving around with no licences surely gas would be 30c a gallon. They are also the ones putting good Americans out of work by buying those foreign cars as well.... mark my word President Bush "Gods left hand man" has their number, if they were indentured slaves they would have no reason to drive, hence demand for fuel would fall, "voila" we could all get back to driving all american autos like hummers
baba | 05.04.06 - 6:33 pm | #

Ha! I always knew backtalk and polyrhythms were related!
Doodle Bean | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 6:41 pm | #

First off; is it Bearooobee or bahruubee? Charts, we don't need no stinking charts.

First off, it is behroobay. Second off, the prevalence of the phrase "we don't need no stinking" -- and I do believe the original pronunciation is "steenking" -- is further evidence of precisely the creeping Sierra Madreization of American culture that I'm talking about. So we can see the baneful effects of immigration right here in these blog comments. Who knows? If this keeps up, someday a chihuahua will be the representative of a fast food chain. And you don't want that, now, do you.

Immigrant low riders, using the larger muscle engines of Ford (451) and GM (409 and 454) with dozens of Delco/Interstate batteries running hydraulic kits, are sucking up all of our precious energy resources.

Very keen observation, spyder. I blame the Cisco Kid, even though he was a friend of yours (see chart five).

I must say that charts four and five are worth the dilation I had to put up with to see them. I figured when people were speaking Spanish around me they were backtalking, and now I have the data to prove it. Thanks for that.

You may take your seat, Venerable Ed. If you are tardy again, I will mark it on your permanent record card. And as you should know by now, dilatin' is an integral part of Dangeral Studies.

Professor, you've sure written a lotta words here. Which words do I put down on the exam to receive a job with a good company?

mathpants, if I were you I'd consult the Constructivist's comment. Not only for the SAT prep words, either: there will be plenty of good jobs available once we build those new prisons he's talking about. You can work your way right up to John DiIulio's old job simply by using the phrase "vertiginous rise in rhythmic complexity" correctly.

I don't see why any of you are taking the word of someone with two accents over his last name.

I do believe the General tapped me precisely because of my plenitude of accentitude, King of Pants. If that is your real name, and not some pseudonym you picked up from "illotus" and his SS Oily Decks cohort.
Michael Bérubé | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 6:46 pm | #

Professor Sir!,
Not to complain Sir! but all this charts seem to smell of a Pastafarian plot.
Terrible | 05.04.06 - 7:00 pm | #

And Terrible is my real name Professor Sir!.
Terrible | 05.04.06 - 7:01 pm | #

We need statistics to show what a peril Mexicans are. Cold hard science is the only way to stop this insidious takeover of our country.Getting people to hate Mexicans won't work. Everyone likes Mexicans!
Hattie | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 7:35 pm | #

Cohort?

Good Lord, no. I ate them all years ago.

Beats workin'.
illotus | 05.04.06 - 7:42 pm | #

Professor Bérubé: Thank you for this illuminating presentation. I do have a question, however, and it pertains to chart no. 4, "Challenge to Authority." Does this histogram include aggregated data pertaining to the "uppity women" variable that presented between 1965 and 1975 but then, thank God!, began to decline around 1980? 'cause I don't see a separate pink line that might skew your corrrelation, and if I may point out, that immigration brown line looks identical on every single chart. Oh wait, I forgot my Intelligent Design stats class: Correlation IS causation! Nevermind, Sir. Plus being a girl and all, I'm bad at that math stuff.
`
MzNicky | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 8:19 pm | #

Thanks, Dr. Bérubé, for that great lecture. I've oftened wondered if there was one single cause of all the crap that has happened to Major League Baseball since the mid 60s—Astroturf, the DH, free agency, and the proliferation of Spanish players. And now I know the answer is yes. It's because of the repeal of the Johnson-Reed Act!

Thanks again.
John Rocker, Baseball Purist | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 9:05 pm | #

Look! That Santana guy! He's consorting with our teenage girls!

Let's string him up!
Steve M. | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 10:31 pm | #

A manly man will use his charts
When pressed to show his manly arts
The graphs and lines will rise and fall
Well, most of them if not quite all
It is tumescent, turgid, right
When arrows rise up into flight
Though these fancies do but hint
Of darker skins, of immigrants
The lines themselves are sort of stickly
Narrow shafts, though rather prickly
I fear the facts lest they divulge
A scrawny stick, a lack of bulge
What I mean is, when life is measured
Will we the Nordic Dick still treasure?
Or will the hordes intimidate
With swarthy thrusts of chubby fate?
When next we point, will blushes follow
And will our tube steaks be hard to swallow?
I fear I've wandered from the fold, sir
I need to fatten up my soldier

+++
mjs | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 10:56 pm | #

I do have a question, however, and it pertains to chart no. 4, "Challenge to Authority." Does this histogram include aggregated data pertaining to the "uppity women" variable that presented between 1965 and 1975 but then, thank God!, began to decline around 1980?

Thank you for your question, MzNicky. To answer it, I will rely on a popular Professorial Gambit, which I have often heard used during Q-and-A periods at public lectures. To wit: I think your analysis has important implications for the study of gender, and I hope we can talk more about that at some point in the future.

and if I may point out, that immigration brown line looks identical on every single chart.

Mais oui! It is the same line.

I've often wondered if there was one single cause of all the crap that has happened to Major League Baseball since the mid 60s—Astroturf, the DH, free agency, and the proliferation of Spanish players.

MISter Rocker! So good to see you here for a change. We assumed you'd dropped the class. But yes, you're right to point our attention to the grievous effects of the repeal of Johnson-Reed for major league baseball. Before 1965, as you know, it was perfectly acceptable for reporters to make fun of Roberto Clemente's accent in print and to insist that he be called an American name like "Bob." These days, you can't even tell a reporter a little un-PC joke or two without the whole world calling for your head on a platter.

Look! That Santana guy! He's consorting with our teenage girls!

Yes, well. I believe patriots know how to deal with things like that.

mjs, very nice enjambment! And a fine closing couplet. Our native language is in good hands on this manly blog.
Michael Bérubé | Homepage | 05.04.06 - 11:13 pm | #

Okely dokely he says in a gentle manner.

NOW we find where Michael is hiding out, in an effort to ignore the comparisons of his predictions vs. reality (real reality, not stupid Republican sort of reality, where Iraq is conquered, etc).

I can't help but notice that he's been utterly silent indeed about the Western Conference. Like did anyone predict that the #8 seed would whip the #1 seed Red Wings? More to come. . .
Geoff | 05.04.06 - 11:17 pm | #

Oh and that # 8 seed being the sad, but somewhat historically bright Edmonton Oilers. I should have mentionned that.

And the second p0layoff, and the second rated Calgary Flames losing in the first round.

Theres a whole bunch can be said there, but we'll wait another round.
Geoff | 05.04.06 - 11:21 pm | #

professor,

thanks for reminding us why we call them them.
pukebot | 05.04.06 - 11:27 pm | #

Professor Bérubé, you manly man! How roundly, and may I say expectedly, you shrugged off my query into the despised and routinely denigrated arena of "women's studies," which of course, inhabiting as it tends to do (and thus officiously dismissed) the realms of qualitative and cultural studies, cannot possibly measure up to masculinely defined quantitative proof such as you have provided for us here! Well done, sir, and perhaps someday I will try my hand at replicating your findings. In the interim, I shall be forced to bookmark your blog, strictly for research purposes, of course!

Thank you, and by the way, I'm on the second row, third from the left, the one with the polka-dot thong and paisley tattoo on my thigh. You know. I saw you looking that time.
`
MzNicky | Homepage | 05.05.06 - 12:40 am | #

MzNicky, I see we understand one another. Excellent.
Michael Bérubé | Homepage | 05.05.06 - 1:34 am | #

Professor,

Your charts would be far less depressing if, in addition to the brown population, you also plotted the growth of the white, black, red and yellow populations. Give us hope that there’s still time to stop the bleeding, Professor. Give us multi-color charts.

I fear the day is fast approaching when one tan line is sufficient to graph all Americans. Republican political science class is gonna get complicated.
L.G. Fucktard | 05.05.06 - 2:23 am | #

Professor, sir,

I noticed one chart was missing.

Where is the one showing a direct correlation between sortabrown folks flooding across our borders from the south, bringing with them salsa, red hot chili peppers, jalapeno pizzas, hot-hot-hot picante, and so many other hot, fiery, tongue-scorching imports...and global warming???

I'm certain there's a correlation. As more and more of them folks have headed northward, and gotten closer to the polar regions, we've seen a shrinkage of the ice pack at the North Pole, Greenland melting, glaciers retreating, large expanses of open water appearing in the Northwest Passage, and popsicles that I buy seem to melt faster.

Oh, wait, global warming is a myth. Kind of like 63-million-old dinosaurs. Hey, I'm a strict constructionist creationist.

Anyway, Professor, I now know why you're the professor and I'm sitting in the corner with a dunce cap on my head. However, I hope, sir, as the professor, that you came to class prepared to discipline any anti-authority malcontents like myself. I deserve it. Every stroke from the Blessed Paddle of Redemption. At least this is one part of the curricula I'm sure to pass.
The Oracle | 05.05.06 - 5:42 am | #

Please excuse my son, Actor212, as he was too sick to attend French class today.
Dick Herts | Homepage | 05.05.06 - 10:44 am | #