We recently had a case in the Antipodes where a father had kids with his daughter (unlike in Austria, willingly!) and I know Mormons marry their cousins, but where will the quest to provide gun fodder, I mean, brave soldiers for the Lord and Dear Leader, lead us?
I love the idea about the bow, though...Basil's awesome in a bow.
corporal waldo |
05.09.08 - 4:55 am | #
General, Sir:
If you still have someathem pix from the last revival tent/gun show/pig roast/kegger at the compound you should just forward a few of them to that young gal (I think I'd bias the selection towards the earlier part of the weekend, before your neighbor "Speedosteverino" got into that "sword fight" with Mr. Gonzales). If'n she should see somebody she likes (me, for instance) she can just contact me and I'll take it from there.
Does this mean there might be something more than gifting ideas behind the Victoria's Secret catalogue my sister gave me with certain wispy underthings circled in red heart outlines? Because when my mum did that with the Frederick's of Hollywood ad page in the Hustler magazine she found in my hiding place under the toilet tank cover when I was 14, it made me kinda uncomfortable...
Bukko in Australia |
05.09.08 - 10:11 am | #
Mr. Cohen,
You need to advise all women that the easiest way to find a man is through publication of nude pictures on the Internet. And please no mention of anything other than casual sex.
Dick |
05.09.08 - 10:15 am | #
Dearest General,
Thanks so much for this tip. It brings me to tears.
msNomir |
Homepage |
05.09.08 - 10:52 am | #
Is it disgust making me quiver? Good gawd I hope so.
Capt. Bitter Bat Hussein Guano |
05.09.08 - 10:55 am | #
Sir, I am quivering with excitement. This sure reminds me of all those holidays at grandma's house. One time it got me so excited that I ran out to the outhouse and grabbed the J.C. Penny catalog and headed out to the sticks whereupon I didst flail my holy soldier like it was Christ on a cross. Just the vision of her leaning across the table and slipping her tounge into my sisters mouth and trading mashed taters back 'n forth lappin' up all that gravy would get ole grandad to whoopin' 'n hollerin'. That was a sight you usually didn't see unless he was full on in the spirit of the Lord. Then he'd get to preachin' and he'd ask my sister if'n she needed him to lay hands on her and speak in tounges directly in her ear 'cause it was a private message from Gawd. This sure takes me back, sir.
Pol Pot-O-Cheesesauce |
05.09.08 - 11:55 am | #
any pre-nup wisdom to be shared?
msNomir |
Homepage |
05.09.08 - 12:19 pm | #
Where's the Jivester today? I can't wait to hear today's Aunt Larry and Uncle Linda story that this column will undoubtedly bring to mind.
MOJoe |
05.09.08 - 12:29 pm | #
Please,
What kind of sick, desperate, disgusting fool would marry a war blogger?
Their kids would be cretins.
bob the hog |
05.09.08 - 12:48 pm | #
MOJoe: thank you for your kindly inquirement about Uncle Larry and Aunt Linda. They are going through a difficult period of late, largely because of the Feds raiding their trailer in Little Vapors, Tennessee. Being that the medical tests have confirmed that most of the young'uns at the family compound have residual squirrel and Bonobo DNA markers the Feds did not attempt to remove the large metal spinning wheels that dotted the backyard.* L&L have filed a Chapter D exclusion and should be able to keep most of the meth lab equipment.
When asked to comment about their "lifestyle" by a representative from the local Humane Society, Aunt Larry, visibly shaken, wiped the fur from his or her eyes and said, "Pecker wreckers is what they are! Goldurn pecker wreckers." Not only could Uncle Linda not be reached for comment, she just flat out could not be reached, staring emptily into space while repeating her mantra of "Alvin, Alvin, Alvin." One volunteer spokesman for my dear aunt attempted to field questions from the media, but was only able to respond by making clicking sounds, followed by nipping at two of the reporter's nuts.
Life goes on, usually under court order.
*Of the 78 young'uns at the compound over half were nicknamed "Chip."
Genius! Your advice is the song of the Ozarks. One look at the Huckabee clan is all you need to know that the family dinner table is the best "fishin" in the county.
moondancer |
05.09.08 - 6:08 pm | #
I went out to dinner with a war blogger once. All he could talk about was how Pennsylvania was trying to restrict him to the purchase of one gun a month, and who could live with just 12 new guns in a year? All of a sudden my brother looked so damned good to me. And I've never had to blame my kids' imperfections on brother-love, because I live in New Jersey. So it might just be the pollution.
anne johnson |
Homepage |
05.09.08 - 7:48 pm | #
…slowly run your tongue around your lips… kick off one of your shoes, gently place your foot in his crotchal area, look at him, and wink
Ida needs to be less subtle. She should bring a 12-guage shotgun to the table and steadily pump it as she licks her lips.
That's how we do it in PA.
bob the hog |
05.09.08 - 8:44 pm | #
General, sir,
If the brother falls for the seductive foot of his sister and marries her, does this mean that he loses the bet that he made with her that he'd marry first, or does she lose the bet, because by marrying each other. then neither one of them married first, making neither one of them the winner, nor the loser, but tied together in holy matrimonial bliss, until death, or a court order, do they part?
The Oracle |
05.09.08 - 9:33 pm | #
one of you guys has a homepage that is sure to land a husband (or lose one if you are already married). yowza. almost rated xxx, but just one hetrosexual shy of xxxx
lewis_stoole |
05.10.08 - 1:05 am | #
Miss Poppy can help her reach that goal of 10+ kids in no time, Sir, I feel sure. With some additional homework study-time on the super-productive crotchal olympics of the Duggars, of course.
I loves me some Obsidian Wings, btw.
But honestly, when you were describing a foot-job very much akin to the under-the-glass-dining-table scene with Danny DeVito in "War Of The Roses," Sir, I was imagining a much different ending.
Something involving my razor-sharp toenails and gallons of bloodshed.
You'll pardon me if I don't jump on that incest bandwagon. Just never did strike me as that hilarious. 99.9% of your stuff slays me as much today as it did back in the early days, but y'know, if you lived here in L'Hotel du Fucktard with so many disabled adults who are so obviously the products of some severely fucked-up familial relations, and then you counter-in how I was "raised," well, you get the gist.
Yup, as always, I'm the buzzkill. Feel free to delete or ignore at will.
Anntichrist S. Coulter |
Homepage |
05.10.08 - 1:40 am | #
Nguyen
is it me, or did you just post pictures of naked 16 year old asians?
and what's up with the sex video.
wtf???
i am now consulting the bible and will hopefully find a way to cleanse myself
lewis_stoole |
05.10.08 - 2:13 am | #
Nothing like puttin' the "ho" in Idaho, I guess. I fear Mr. (Ms.?) Ngygen's post is a furren plot to distract red-blooded Merrycan boys from their consanguinous pursuits in favor of the rather blatent miscegenation promoted on his/her so-called "homepage."
kimopizza |
05.10.08 - 10:11 am | #
It just sounds like all boogies, to me.
EdW |
05.10.08 - 12:34 pm | #
Right you are General.
If at all possible, avert your eyes;
and when in doubt, pluck them out.
John Henry |
05.14.08 - 5:15 am | #
Mon Liege
General, Sir:
lovely.
Does this mean there might be something more than gifting ideas behind the Victoria's Secret catalogue my sister gave me with certain wispy underthings circled in red heart outlines? Because when my mum did that with the Frederick's of Hollywood ad page in the Hustler magazine she found in my hiding place under the toilet tank cover when I was 14, it made me kinda uncomfortable...
Mr. Cohen,
Dearest General,
Is it disgust making me quiver? Good gawd I hope so.
Sir, I am quivering with excitement. This sure reminds me of all those holidays at grandma's house. One time it got me so excited that I ran out to the outhouse and grabbed the J.C. Penny catalog and headed out to the sticks whereupon I didst flail my holy soldier like it was Christ on a cross. Just the vision of her leaning across the table and slipping her tounge into my sisters mouth and trading mashed taters back 'n forth lappin' up all that gravy would get ole grandad to whoopin' 'n hollerin'. That was a sight you usually didn't see unless he was full on in the spirit of the Lord. Then he'd get to preachin' and he'd ask my sister if'n she needed him to lay hands on her and speak in tounges directly in her ear 'cause it was a private message from Gawd. This sure takes me back, sir.
MJS – Mind if we call ’em Bruce, just to keep things straight?
Genius! Your advice is the song of the Ozarks. One look at the Huckabee clan is all you need to know that the family dinner table is the best "fishin" in the county.
I went out to dinner with a war blogger once. All he could talk about was how Pennsylvania was trying to restrict him to the purchase of one gun a month, and who could live with just 12 new guns in a year? All of a sudden my brother looked so damned good to me. And I've never had to blame my kids' imperfections on brother-love, because I live in New Jersey. So it might just be the pollution.
General, sir,
Nothing like puttin' the "ho" in Idaho, I guess. I fear Mr. (Ms.?) Ngygen's post is a furren plot to distract red-blooded Merrycan boys from their consanguinous pursuits in favor of the rather blatent miscegenation promoted on his/her so-called "homepage."
It just sounds like all boogies, to me.
