Last winter God was a little miffed at two teenage boys in Racine, Wisconsin (they both entertained impure thoughts while watching Reno 911). God showed his displeasure by making the gas range of Eunice Volpdinger (neighbor to the offending boys) eight degrees hotter than normal. "Keep it up," God warned, "and I will start burning your toast."
The boys promised to be good, but still managed to be afflicted by spontaneous erections throughout their school days. God responded by suffocating a baby (in a neighboring town) in its crib. Praise the Lord!*
++++
*The good Lord did not burn the boys' toast (nor Mrs. Volpdinger's for that matter) as He had suggested He would. Mysterious are the ways of the One True Pyromaniac.
Oh, I don't know that She's losing Her Touch...The US has had to listen to insanely tortured syntax from the world's most inarticulate, thick-headed thug for eight years, while he sneers and smirks at his own narcissistic stupidity and befouls the whole world with his intransigently sadistic and soulless lust for power.
The world (under nuclear threat) has had to cravenly acquiesce.
Meanwhile, Iraq has had an interesting twenty five years where they must have marvelled at the sadistic nature of the Christian God and Her most devout and annoyingly vociferous proponents as together they starved, bombed, gassed, tortured, raped and otherwise sexually abused men, women and children, all the while irreparably polluting the country with depleted uranium that has caused the rate of child cancer to soar. In total, about two million dead so far.
Mon liege, how irascable do you want the Lord to be?
corporal waldo |
06.26.08 - 3:50 am | #
General, sir,
All that the fires in California prove is that God is anti-enviromentalist, because he isn't into tree-hugging, but tree-burning, lots of tree-burning.
And the Iowa floods only prove that God is anti-dikes, with so many dikes...er, levees being breached.
And New Orleans? This only proves that God is anti-French, or at least anti-French cuisine, of the cajun persuasion. And how New Orleans flooded confirms that God is anti-dike.
Homosexuality, therefore, obviously had nothing to do with these events, and I agree with you, sir, that God seems to be wimping out on us lately because none of these events really qualify as a disaster of biblical proportions...except maybe for high gasoline prices and huge monthly utility bills this summer as it gets hot as hell.
The Oracle |
06.26.08 - 3:50 am | #
General, Sir:
I look upon such events as random tornadic destrtuction of "Mobile Home Communities" as GOD and Satan's idea of "Bowling for White Trash". I mean after NOLASodom&Gommorah's chastisement--when there were only, what, 1,500 or so deaths (that were confirmed)--he must have tossed a brewski to Noah and laughingly said, "You and that fucking Ark. I never should have given these mutts thumbs!"
No, Sir, I don't think he's lost his game. I just think that he's being sadistic by not being sadistic all of the time. He works in strange ways, y'know.
Look, God lost it long ago with all this Jesus shit. I mean, the first time God got totally pissed at the humans, he wiped ’em all off the face of the earth with that flood thingy. Except for Noah and his kids – what is it with God wanting to populate the earth with close blood relations, anyway? Well, at least in the post-flood days we only had first cousins doin’ the re-populatin’ … unlike the outright incest that started the whole human race in the first place. Ewwww.
But I digress.
Anyway, that was a bad-assed God if there ever was one. Why, it wasn’t enough to kill the humans; he decided that even the animals were wicked. Even the little kitties. What does God have against kitties, anyway? Holy fuck. And why did he exempt the fish? I hate fuckin’ fish. If any animal is evil, it’s the goddam fish. (Apparently, there were no marine mammals at the time, ’cuz the Bible sez he killt all the animals except the fish, but why would the flood kill whales and dolphins ’n shit? … )
So, anyway, the first time ’round God took ’em all out, except the fish, and Noah’s family, and two of every species … which I don’t quite understand because how did Noah know which two of each species were the non-wicked two to save, and which were the wicked ones that were supposed to be wiped out? Jesus, it’s all so complicated.
The point is, God totally wimped out the second time around. The second time he decided the humans were totally full of shit, he said something like, “Ooops. I guess that flood thing was a little harsh, and it didn’t work so well. This time, I’ll send my kid down there to tell them all to be nice to one another and take care of the sick and the poor, and everything like that. Then, they’ll, like, totally ignore my kid, and they’ll torture him and kill him, and they’ll, like, all be saved and shit. Yeah, that oughta work out great.”
So right there God totally fucking lost it. I mean, really. What the fuck was that all about? When the humans fuck up, you stomp them. If they fuck up again, you stomp them again. Am I right or am I right? None of this bullshit about “be excellent to each other.” But no, God went all Jesus on us, and he’s been a fucking wimp ever since.
Dave von Ebers |
Homepage |
06.26.08 - 10:47 am | #
God's not bored. He's just too busy to reply immediately to all his followers' requests that the gay neighbors be smited (or is it smoted, or smitten ...).
So all you good folks at Pensacola Christian College need to take a number and be seated, and God will be with you shortly. While you're waiting, be sure that skirt reaches your knees, or you'll miss your turn and have to start over again.
Oh yes, and it would save time for God if you didn't duplicate prayers. So pick someone to pray that New Jersey gets hit by a hurricane, and one person to pray that New York City gets eaten by Godzilla (ooooo!"God"zilla! Coincidence? I think not!).
Whoever put in the request to smite all those Buddhists in Myanmar did a really natty job.
anne johnson |
Homepage |
06.26.08 - 11:31 am | #
Required reading, as it were, for your friendly(?!) neighbourhood homophobe.
(As in sharing it with same.)
IludiumPhosdex |
Homepage |
06.26.08 - 12:27 pm | #
do you ever consider how busy God must be? with all the born-agains he is occupied finding parking spaces and causing lottery numbers to win for those who pray and believe.
Nancy Green |
Homepage |
06.26.08 - 4:37 pm | #
Oh sure! I give you a few big shows a couple thousand years ago and you're still clamoring for more. It doesn't take much skill for large scale destruction - but now, I'm trying to do things in a more subtle and complex pattern, leaving it for my egocentric ministers to eke out the meaning of my wrath. I'm so unappreciated.
I'm Just a Girl |
06.26.08 - 6:51 pm | #
I'm Just a Girl:
Oh, so you're the one to blame. Let me tell you, God, or whatever you call yourself these days, I didn't appreciate the whole stunted growth, soft-around-the-middle hand you dealt me, thank you very much. And as for the high arches and bowl (bowel?) legs, well, let's just say I'm not impressed with your work.
I don't suppose this thing's still under warranty, is it?
Can't hurt to ask, I figger.
Dave von Ebers |
Homepage |
06.26.08 - 10:18 pm | #
On the upside, I just read some of Brother Ray's commenters over there at that "Rays Comfort Food" blog -- some of them were damn funny and really handed Ray's ass to him.
So, the world is not entirely retarded. Which is nice.
Dave von Ebers |
Homepage |
06.26.08 - 10:27 pm | #
How come God didn't remember to smite Massachusetts lo these many years since THEY instituted gay marriage? Oversight? Or is it just too close to DC to be bothered with?
Well, my non-wife and I will be going down to the fiery State in the fall to explore this whole "marriage" thing and see if it's all its cracked up to be. Provided, y'know, the State's still there an' all.
Penitant Liberal Lesbian |
Homepage |
06.27.08 - 12:00 am | #
PLL – I liked marriage so much I tried it twice. Not at the same time, mind you. So, anyway, I’d give it a shot.
Dave von Ebers |
Homepage |
06.27.08 - 10:17 am | #
I hate to say this, but all I could hear while I was reading this post was, "Just wait!"
m.e.b. |
06.27.08 - 3:50 pm | #
Mon general
General, sir,
General, Sir:
Look, God lost it long ago with all this Jesus shit. I mean, the first time God got totally pissed at the humans, he wiped ’em all off the face of the earth with that flood thingy. Except for Noah and his kids – what is it with God wanting to populate the earth with close blood relations, anyway? Well, at least in the post-flood days we only had first cousins doin’ the re-populatin’ … unlike the outright incest that started the whole human race in the first place. Ewwww.
God's not bored. He's just too busy to reply immediately to all his followers' requests that the gay neighbors be smited (or is it smoted, or smitten ...).
do you ever consider how busy God must be? with all the born-agains he is occupied finding parking spaces and causing lottery numbers to win for those who pray and believe.
Oh sure! I give you a few big shows a couple thousand years ago and you're still clamoring for more. It doesn't take much skill for large scale destruction - but now, I'm trying to do things in a more subtle and complex pattern, leaving it for my egocentric ministers to eke out the meaning of my wrath. I'm so unappreciated.
How come God didn't remember to smite Massachusetts lo these many years since THEY instituted gay marriage? Oversight? Or is it just too close to DC to be bothered with? 
I hate to say this, but all I could hear while I was reading this post was, "Just wait!"
