I suppose it pales it comparison -- I can't begin to wrap my brain around having a child die -- but now that my son is a man, at Xmas, I miss the boy he was. The happiest Xmases I ever had were the ones made special by having a kid in the house. I loved playing Santa, and I miss that so much.
And of course, I miss my brother. Outside of the family I made when I had a child, he was the only real family I ever had, and he always made the holidays happy. A part of me broke when he died, and that broken part is apparently never going to mend.
I don't even bother doing Xmas any more. I just kind of close my eyes and wait for it to pass, you know?
I'm so sorry, dear. Bless you and yours.
I'm sorry, lady. I'm thinking about you.
This year I miss my father, who died last February, a generous spirit, a kind and simple man who loved with all his heart.
ABut I also miss my brother, who died much too young, much too long ago.
I'm sorry for your loss.
You have lost a child? That is one thing I am sure is not sharable with anyone who has not shared that grief.
God bless.
Times like these, when everybody expects family togetherness and forced cheer - it's got to be tough. I'm so sorry.
I miss a couple of people this year. One is evil Dad's 23-year-old cousin, who blew his brains out this past summer. He was one of only two relatives on ED's side that I truly liked. The other is the child we almost had - 4 years ago last fall we had an adoption "setback". I think about him almost every day. Not nearly the same.
Usually our remembering is reserved for Halloween; we light a candle and talk about the people we love that are gone.
dear redneck mom -- i'm so sorry about your loss. my adopted nephew [he adopted me] died of cancer nearly 4 years ago, when he was 12. we still miss him so much, and it is a very hard time of year for his mother. his family is buddhist, and i bring flowers to his shrine when i visit.
i miss my dad, who died 2 years ago, and a good friend who died last year. haven't thought of a good way to formally remember my dad, but i keep pictures around, and so many things remind me of his goofy sense of humor, so i tell dad stories a lot.
Sorry for your loss.
I miss my husband. Cancer took him in 97, after we were married 6 months.
I remember the grief his mother went through. Lossing a child is more than we were meant to handle.
May we all hug our babies a little bit longer today, have patience, and 'see' them....really see them. Every Christmas I light a candle for the mothers who grieve- to reflect their hearts, and the way they carry on with that pain to bear. Perhaps its a tradition that we women all around can share, a commitment to supporting one another.
My almost three-year-old son died six years and four days ago. I will put up his handmade Christmas stocking again this year, but don't know if I have the heart to put something in it.
The good news is that I'm married and expecting a new babe in June. Its funny how your heart can ache with sorrow and joy at the same time.
Reecie -- I'm sorry about your brother. And what you wrote about your grown son gave me pause. There are days when I look at Rocketboy and think, just eleven years to go, kid, and you're outta here. And then there are days when I think it's not enough time.
Jodie, Sorry about your brother and your dad. I've found that the first holiday season after a loss is so hard. I literally don't remember Christmas 2002. Hope you do the best you can this year.
Karen, we do a lot of our remembering at Halloween/All Souls'/Dia de los Muertos time, too. Having almost adopted a child must be a hard thing to deal with, and I remember reading some of your writing about the subject. So sorry about your husband's cousin.
Kathy, so sorry about your nephew, father and friend. I hope the holidays go all right for you. Stories are great for carrying memories.
Julia, that's so sad about your husband. I'm so sorry.
And Suzie, I feel for you and I'm so sorry about your son. Best of luck with your pregnancy and new baby. You're right about the sorrow and joy.
To everyone, thank you for your kind words and letting the rest of us remember. Getting it out there makes it easier to keep going, at least for me.
Redneck Mother, I'm so sorry for your loss.
I miss the baby whom I miscarried in October 1999 and was too young for its sex to be determined. I like to imagine, though, that the baby was a girl, whom we'd have named Emily Lillian. That middle name was the first name of my grandmother.
I miss Grandma Sheppard, aka Lillian. Though she was the mother of my own abusive mother (who died in 1999 just days before my miscarriage), she herself was sweet and gentle and never hit anyone. She—rather than her daughter—was the maternal relative who made me feel loved.
I've never had rituals to help me remember either Emily Lillian or Grandma. But every time I see a mourning dove, it feels as if that's Grandma's spirit popping by to say that everything'll be all right. My middle son, now 11 but almost 5 when Emily Lillian died, decided we should give the baby's name to the cat we adopted. So every time Emily the gray tabby lets me pet her, I like to think that's baby Emily's spirit returned to comfort me.
KCB, I'm so sorry. This week, as I'm looking around the NICU (different NICU from the last time I posted on my blog, when you left such a nice comment; we've been transferred to a hospital in another city) and talking to other new parents at the Ronald McDonald House, I realize that none of us are having the Christmas we were expecting to have, and certainly that's what I'm missing--the first Christmas I had imagined for my little guy.
My son is recovering nicely from surgery, and we'll have many more Christmases together, but my heart goes out to those of you who have lost children.
MJ
MJ, it sounds like your son is coming out of the woods. My claws are crossed for you and your baby. Peace.
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