Well, cheer up, there's always something to feel guilty about. Until my 3rd child was 10 yrs. old, I was a freelance graphic artist. Studio at home, pretty good money... home for the kids...
Well, I felt guilty that I could have both, work and home. Not every mother could draw, set her own hours, and prices. I felt guilty that I wasn't part of the workplace solution, that I had somehow "cheated" in arriving at my solution by relying on an accidental talent.
I don't think that any mother who stays home with her kids is betraying any feminist ideals. As your blog proves time and time again, full-time parenthood is NOT for wussies. I certainly couldn't do it.
I have a friend who is a full-time father of two rambunctious boys, because he has the luxury of not having an office to go to, although his consulting work does require about 25% travel. He has been doing this since before they started school and I stand by in amazement. Not just at what he's sacrificed and accomplished, but also at the bond between him and his sons. I get teary sometimes when I see it. He's given some consideration home-schooling as well, which I would probably try to persuade him away from. He's exhausted and sleep-deprived as it is.
Linda Hirshman is full of baloney. And bologna. The point of any person's life, be they male or female, should be the ability and freedom to make and follow his or her own choices. THAT is what we've been fighting for, back in the days of the Revolution, Emancipation, etc.
And that whole bit about women wasting their intellect on children - that really annoys me, to put it mildly. In what better resource could we invest?
OK, I'll step off now.
AMI or AMS?
Thanks for a thought-provoking piece, Redneck Mom.
I've had all three situations: being an employee while my first child was in day care, at-home child care full time (didn't last long at that), and full-time self-employment while my children are with me at home (11 years now and counting). Each situation had its good points and its drawbacks.
We can't make choices for one another or tell one another what to do. Each of our lives is different and calls for different solution.
How does that old Yiddish joke go?
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans!"
(Whoops, you can tell I'm NOT Jewish; I typed out the full name of G*d!!)
I had high hopes of staying home w/my one n' only for his 1st year, BUT...
Let's just say "shit happened"! I know I personally am not cut out to be the SAHM so my hat's off to you who do...
Homeschooling q: any recourse for a mom who is completely letting it slide?!? My understanding, in TX the only option is to file a CPS complaint, the school district has zero authority...
RM, it so infuriates me to hear anyone ever at any time make a sweeping generalized statement about who is and who is not a "good feminist" based on what works in her own circumstances. (I'm sure you saw the bru-ha-ha raised by Twisty's recent post, for example.) Feminism, first and foremost, has always been about giving women options. I would never EVER say that being a SAHM is not a worthwhile pursuit; I would only say that it is not for everyone, and therefore being in the workplace should be an option (for equal pay, natch).
I stayed home with my first daughter for a year after she was born, and loved it most of the time. It was a precious experience. Now, I will say after that year, I was ready to do what I was trained to do and to speak regularly with adults again ("Can Mommy have that?" was about the extent of my vocabulary for a while). Also, economics dictated that I return to the workplace, as the ex-husband, a/k/a The Swine, was incapable of supporting the family without my salary. On the other hand, when my second daughter was born, I had a job I positively loved and could not conceive of giving it up. The Swine stayed home with her for a year, so she got the same parental bonding time as the first.
So, girl, whether what you are doing is valuable is something that can only be judged by you and you alone (and maybe Hombre). I'll give you my observation, based on reading your blog entries about Rocketboy and Hammerhead over the past several months . . . you're damn straight it is. When/if the equation changes for you, you'll know what to do.
And just let me say, dayum, I want to know what company your friend works for, because I'd like to send them my resume.
Redhead, I agree that if it's not one guilt-inducer, it's another. If I were working part-time as I'd planned all those years ago, I'd probably feel bad about not being home full-time. Or the employer would guilt me -- I know one mama who works part-time whose boss is always calling her to see if she can work more hours. Pestilential, I tell you.
Sinda -- Montessori St. Nicholas, London, which I believe is now called Montessori Centre International. It was founded by Dr. Montessori her own self, but there was later a schism between MSN and AMI.
Val -- I'm very, very wary of passing judgement on other parents. Many homeschoolers delay hard academics until they think their kids are ready for it, or the kids may have learning disabilities that make it seem like they're not learning much. Families who pull kids out of a bad school situation often take a few months to "deschool" without any academic pressure before beginning formal homeschooling. Some families lay off the schoolwork during times of stress, too. And then there are the unschoolers (of which I am sort of one) who may use a general guideline but mostly base learning on the child's interests.
A good summary of the legality of homeschooling in Texas is here. (Click "Legal Issues for Texas Homeschoolers.") Home schools are, legally, private schools in Texas and not under TEA oversight.
If these kids are being abused or neglected, that would indeed warrant a call to CPS. But if it's a question of whether the mom is performing according to other people's expectations with respect to teaching her kids, there's really no advice I can offer. Okay, maybe a little: if she's someone close to you and you're concerned about her kids, talk to her about it and offer support. Which is what I would recommend whether her kids were in school or not.
I highly recommend Home Education Magazine (google it -- it's online) for insight into the various ways people teach their kids outside of traditional schools.
To Linda Hirschman I say, "Ain't I a woman?" and STFU. Regarding Montessori schools in Austin, I have to ask, WTF????!!! I lived in Austin 20+ years ago and couldn't get a teaching job with a Montessori school near UT married student housing where I lived because they were concerned that I was "too attached" to my children, as I was interested in the job in part because the location would allow me to go home and nurse my toddler daughter at lunch time. And these schools are - over 20 years later - still (illegally) inquiring into the reproductive status/plans of job seekers??! Since when is motherhood grounds for denying employment as a teacher? Are there special discrimination laws for Montessori schools?
Thanks for the link but yep, I think I've waited a long long time (3 yrs)before "passing judgment": these kids range in age from 5 to 17, the 17-yr old is the only one who seems literate... Oh hell let me show you the rough draft of the letter I've been crafting...Several of us in her social circle have TRIED to talk to her, she's just not physically able to keep up w/it.
I really like that you are addressing this issue. As a matter of fact - I have nominated this post for a Perfect Post Award over at Suburban Turmoil (http://suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com/2006/06/
perfect-post-awards.html). If you haven't dropprd by Lucinda's place yet - you really should. I found her through Soul Gardening - one of my favorite bloggers. Anyway - here's the button to put up on your site:
Lucinda explains everything on her site. The linkfest will be this coming Friday. It's a way for us all to support each other.
Hmmm - the code didn't come through. Sorry 'bout that. I'll send it to you via email.
FWIW, I'd hire you in a NY-fuckin-minute.
Of course, I'm retired.
I came across your post via the Carnival of Feminists xviii.
My 20 y-o girlchild has just moved out of home and I miss having her around. When she was growing up, and as a sole-parent, I tried to balance all the conflicting stakeholders - need for money, career, self, activism, sex, companionship etc. In all these decisions, I kept 'parent' at the top of my list.
Now 20 years later, my girlchild has a career, a partner, friends, interests and her mama - me.
I am so honored that she has modeled herself on what I did when she was growing up and 'our relationship is nurtured, respected and fabulous. I know if / when she becomes a mama herself she will have ‘permission’ to define that role in any way she wants.
I can’t think of a better legacy to leave for my child.
'The love you make is the love you take' is true for us.
I couldn't be more proud or more happy of the girlchild and myself!
here via the carnival. Great post.
Right atm, we flexi-school, and my kids are in montessori three days a week. I know that that place is flexi employment wise, mother of another little boy has just started doing her training there three days a week. Mind, probably a bit too far for you to travel, what with it being in England 
I have a pretty good employer too, but sounds like your friend has about as good as it gets.
Just the way it ought to be though - there's no real reason for most jobs to be the full time hours that they are.
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