Some day she'll be grateful for your excellent professional advice. Either that or she'll be known as the "hot and extremely cross uncle killer" in the tabloids. Either way, you've definitely increased her career options.
I don't know what was funnier - the joke, or your attempt to kill it!
Brilliant!
I always use "boiling water" in this particular joke for exactly the reason you mention.
Similarly, my five year old is annoyingly using the punchline "push it down a hill" to "how do you make a Swiss Roll?"
Clearly it should be "push HIM down a hill" otherwise it just sounds like you are pushing a Swiss Roll down a hill, which isn't entirely what we are trying to achieve.
ahem.
Hello and welcome, LB. Two more things for your five-year-old to consider:
1. It's "Push him over an Alp". There are hills everywhere, but Alps are more specifically Swiss. Though perhaps it should be "Push him over an Alp (that is not in Austria, Germany, France, Italy, Slovenia or Liechtenstein, though of course he could be visiting one of these countries)".
2. For gender neutrality it should perhaps be "Push him/her over an Alp (referring to exact geographical locations listed earlier)". After all, if women want equal pay then they are also going to have to accept that they have an equal chance of being pushed over European mountain ranges.
Good, that's that one killed. Now how do you make a Maltese cross?
A. Bomb and besiege his country in an attempt to stop attacks on the convoys supplying your troops in the North African theatre of the Second World War. Or poke him in the eye.
It's reassuring, Salvadore, that it took you a couple of hours or so to work out the answer to your own joke.
Incidentally, wouldn't a better way of making a Swiss roll be to put something greasy on his service-line? This would (a) involve less effort as you wouldn't have to climb any mountains with a possibly unwilling accomplice, and (b) have the added advantage that it might help Andy Murray overtake him in the world rankings.
I'd say " a kettleful of water". The heat is implied but not actually stated, thus bamboozling over anyone (is there anyone?) who hasn't heard the joke before.
In an attemtpt to kill off the remainder of the humour in the post, what is unbalanced about John Prescott on a see saw? You did not say there was anyone else on it. Surely if he sits or stands at the middle of the see saw it will be perfectly well balanced.
Hello and welcome, Blackacre. Good point. What about "as unbalanced as John Prescott and Twiggy on a see-saw (assuming that they are equal distances from the fulcrum)"?
Z - What about "a kettleful of fairly recently boiled water (not hot enough to actually harm wildlife)"?
I would prefer "assuming that they are not in static equilibrium" as that better explains the point. It is possible for the see saw not to balance even if they are not equal distances from the fulcrum, but if Twiggy is a lot further away then she may well balance Mr Prescott.
I have just found the term static equilibrium on wikipedia - I am no scientist! Of course given the source it may well be wrong.
Presumably when referring to Twiggy you mean the 60s supermodel, rather than the fat DJ on Trent FM, who would probably be able to balance a see-saw with Two Jabs if both were sat a similar distance from the fulcrum?
Paul - I do indeed, though if it were the Trent FM DJ and you also added Geoffrey Hughes's character from the Royle Family I think the seesaw might have both ends on the ground.
"What about "as unbalanced as John Prescott and Twiggy on a see-saw (assuming that they are equal distances from the fulcrum)"?"
Given that the distances are equal, are they on the same or opposite sides of the fulcrum? Assuming for the moment there is no-one else on the seesaw, the system would be unbalanced in both cases, but in the former case, Twiggy would be irrelevant. In fact, John Prescott would also be irrelevant since Twiggy alone would almost certainly be heavy enough to unbalance the seesaw.
And this suffers from the same problem as the original, with only John Prescott. You don't know if there is anyone else on the seesaw, or if, in fact, the distance from the fulcrum is zero (which make the seesaw balanced).
Jonathan - You should also consider whether the seesaw is of uniform dimensions and density. And whether John Prescott is throwing up at the time.
as unbalanced as John Prescott and Twiggy on a uniform-density seesaw which has no physical contact with anything other than the ground (through a rigid vertical column supporting the fulcrum) and the aforementioned two people at equal non-zero distances from and on opposite sides of the fulcrum in the situation that John Prescott is not vomiting.
That about clears it up.
I suppose there remains the issue of whether one of them has a functioning jet-pack, and what direction it's pointing in....
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