I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I know no one really wants unsolicited advice, but I really want to encourage you to contact your family. You don't want to relive that pain of missing out again and you can still get to know your father through their memories.
Wow, this was so sad yet so moving. I am so sorry you never had a real chance to know him. But, you tried. Somehow I believe he knew you tried to get there in time. God bless.
P.S. I hope you don't mind, but I am adding you to my links. Great blog and thank you for sharing this story. It is a reminder to all of us to let people know we care now before its too late. Thanks again.
I'm so moved by what you've shared here. I know it probably doesn't get any easier but I hope that you allowing yourself to experience your grief in some way provides you with some relief. I hope you find a way to start a relationship with your brothers and sisters, perhaps that will aide in helping you through your feelings.
My own father had a story much like yours. He never got the chance to really bond with his own father. I was pregnant when Grandad passed away. I remember my dad very calmly, putting his hand on the casket and whispering, "see ya old man". I didn't expect any more, or less.
We went to his sister's home for the reception and it hit. My father was overcome with sorrow. He had missed so much because both men were too proud to reach out. He regreted that to the day he died.
Fast forward to my own father's passing 7 years ago. I too still tear up when I think about him in the stillness of my own thoughts. He was a good man, he made mistakes but he lived his life.
My father had suffered a ruptured aorta and had had surgery to repair it. When they "got in there" they discovered just how tired his body was and they elected to return him to the ICU and see if he could regain his strength. He never did.
My siblings and nieces and nephews and our spouses all surrounded him as he passed. We sang Amazing Grace to him as he left our world, and entered God's. I still had so much to say and had questions to ask.
I know the feeling of floating in the ocean, alone.I did it for a long time after he died. Now, I know the feeling of peace. I know in my heart that my father is close. And while I can not see him, I know he is near.
If I can offer advice of any kind, I would tell you to reach out to your siblings (and your father's friends). Ask them to write you anecdotes or stories about your father. Ask them to tell you his favourite things, anything. And while you won't be able to do it yet, you can compile those letters into a history of your dad. It will also help you feel more connected to your family. And they are what you need to help repair that compass.
And one day, when The Comedian and The Drama Queen ask you about your dad, you will be able to share his story through the letters. It's not a perfect solution, but I can honestly tell you, it helps. And in hearing who he was, it helps me to understand who I am...and that's worth it.
Humbly,
4 it's worth
Thank you.
Monkee: I know. It isn't because of hard feelings or anything like that either. I know my older brother Harley wants me around, God he is so much like me (withdrawn to a certain degree - almost like looking in the mirror, not physically, but emotionally).
I just don't know where to start. I want to write, but use computers all day, but feel typed letters may be to impersonal. I don't know what to say, so I don't call. I know, probably excuses. But I fully understand what you mean.
Dariana: Thank you for adding me to your blog links. Would love it if you and others would stop by again. I enjoy your comments and company.
tiggerprr: It doesn't bother me most times, only when my thoughts turn to my father. The hardest part is that he never got to meet my family, and the grandson that carries his name he was so proud of.
You think you have time, but you never realize how fast that time can be taken away, and all the things you kept saying you were going to do but you just didn't have the time - no longer matters because you have lost that chance.
Never take the time a person has for granted, you may find yourself regretting it.
Four: Thank you for that.
My last softly spoken words over my father's grave was:
"Take care you stubborn old goat."
"Goodbye Pop..."
Doubtful the sibling would write anything, it is just not their cup of tea, or bottle of beer in their case ...[chuckles ruefully]
I have never thought about how or if I would speak to my children about their grandad.
I am not sure I will, since he will be nothing more than a stranger who is no longer around that they are related to. I don't think it would hold anything special for them, so I will keep his memory with me.
My mother died the day my son was born. He never physically met her- I think they met spiritually. But, he loves to hear all about her, how we are the same and how we are different. She is virtually a stranger to him, but he feels her love through me. If you can do something like a book- great. If you can't that's okay too.
Happier days ahead,
4
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