What class did you have to write this for? I didn't know you were taking a writing class...
Before I can give you any feedback that would be worth a hoot, I'd like to know just a little bit more about the project. Is this a short story, a first chapter, an intro, an essay?
It is just a narrative. It is for Craft of Writing for Educators. We were just supposed to write a narrative. No other instruction.
You did know I am in school, though, didn't you? I am taking 12 hours this eight weeks. It is kicking my... butt. This class, Craft of Writing for Educators is about teaching yourself to write in a way that translates into teaching students.
Coolness...yes, I knew you were back in school, but I didn't know you had a writing class on your plate.
The narrative you wrote is very good, with lots of detailed descriptions that are tied to personal emotion as well as the senses...which is hard to do, mind you.
My suggestion would be to give it a course of action, something to pull the reader forward through the story. Right now you have a wonderful description...find some kind of action to wrap it around. We need to know why the story is being told in such detail.
Perhaps the clock was stolen in a robbery, and the narrator is trying to relate the importance of the heirloom to the officer who is filling out the report. Something like that.
Sorry if I'm not too helpful; I just got home from work and I'm pooped.
I loved the detailed descriptions. Very good use of the all the senses.
The Abominable Snowman line didn't work for me. I appreciate the attempt, but the rest of the piece doesn't have that kind of sense of humor. If you want to preserve the line, i'd tone it down a bit. Replace the AS with an Eskimo, or something. I don't know.
Outside of the context of the class this is for, I'd disagree about the need for a stronger narrative force. The rumination on memory and time triggered by the passing of the grandmother would be enough, I think.
I'd make the break between childhood memory and current events a little more direct. Instead of starting with "When she died last February," I'd make it a stand-alone sentence/paragraph: "My grandmother died last February..." And then continue with the final paragraph. The reader will understand that the memory of the clock is the motivation behind choosing the clock as a keepsake.
I like the last line. That would make sense as the thread running through the piece. Try to structure the imagery and references around the idea of "time." What kinds of time did Grandma give? Right now, the piece is split between the idea of frugality and not wasting things, and this idea of time. Perhaps you could tinker with it a bit, and tie these two ideas together (wasted or UNwasted time, maybe?).
I enjoyed this. Good job.
Well boys, apparently my biggest mistake is that I use passive voice for almost all of my verbs. That is where I lost the most points. Also, apparently I need to use more transition wqords between paragraphs, although, I feel that this is an absolutely wrong assumption by my professor. She also didn't like that I used groupings in my lists and therefore had an "AND" in the middle of a list as well as the end. I also disagree with that. I got an 86%. I think it is the worst grade I have ever gotten on a writing assignment. Thanks for the pointers anyway! I had to turn it in before I heard back from anyone, but it is nice to know what to work on in the grand scheme of things.
dude, time for a new post!
I'm with Kelly here. How are you doing? I rely on this blog to keep me informed on how you are doing and how life is treating you (because it seems that we are both too busy to ever connect by telephone.)
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