that was one of the funniest things I have read in ages - business suit complete with pearls? seriously??
Great post - brings back so many memories. I was a lifeguard for 10 years and spent a lot of time at VAC for guard school, re-certs, chasing cute gurls, fishing the Baby Ruths outta the tot pool, etc. VAC must also have the oldest lifeguards in Canada (apart from the guys working the beaches in summer).
I worked 7 years at UBC Aquatic Centre and our mainstays of entertainment were the outpatients from the psych ward (research university + hospital = tons of interesting subjects). In summer, it was the creatures from wreck beach that migrated up the hill.
Just when I thought I'd seen it all, I'd have my horizons expanded once again.
The entertainment quantity at aquatic centres isn't quite as good as, say, public transit on a friday night, but the quality is right up there.
Thank Gawd I did not make this list! I'll just stick with the D-List thank you very much.
Hmmm... This list sounds like it should be expanded. Martinis and a movie sometime, Sarah? ;)
Sarah, are you SERIOUS about the woman with the business suit? I think she actually oughta be wearing a straightjacket...
OMG i laughed so hard, because your hinterland who's who descriptions are so true. i don't even need to close my eyes to picture these characters.
the other night there was a man who looked like a sausage roasting on a grill--his sunburnt red skin looked too tight on his buff body. he was lounging on the deck chairs and kept rearranging his package. yuck.
miss you, hope you'll be back soon!
Modest Martha freaked me out more than any of them. But this whole post was excellent and funny! So wish you had a column in the Globe & Mail.
Fantastic post, though the phlegm and vaseline on the toiletseat stories made me a little ill. I'm not one to adhere to traditional views of femininity, but that stuff is so not lady-like.
To answer the questions about if some of these people are real or not. It's all 100 % true. Like I said, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried...
Here via Echomouse. This post had me snorting with laughter. What an assortmaent of kooks you have there.
naked reader shows up about once a month during our practices... I try to stay far far away....
I've seen Modest Martha, it is definitely a sight to see! Your description is bang on.
Amongst others at VAC, did you see the guy with Modest Martha who wears a full wet suit head to toe inc. snorkel, mask and flippers? Him and Modest Martha would "swim" well walk rather, up and down the lengths of the pool and when they get to the sections that are too deep, Flipper would help float Modest Martha along.
It is such a great place that VAC!
Oh. My. God.
I know it's real b/c I've seen some of them...like naked reader, but Modest Martha? Now that's too funny.
Hey Sarah,
at least VAC banned Vaseline Lady. She is still very much around at UBC, with her vaseline mania, baggy swimsuits and sometimes "inappropriate" stretches. She always changes in the section where my locker is, leaving behind layers of petroleum jelly and bits and pieces of toilet paper allover, which give the changeroom a very inviting look.
And we have the exclusive on "mean Elvira"....or is there a lady in a beach bikini who swims in the fast lane with flip flops on her hands at VAC?
Cheers!
Pam
I saw Vaseline Lady lurking around Kits pool tonight. She was walking around the seawall, peering into the pool through the fence. I can't believe she's not banned from UBC!
I've never seen the guy who "swims" with modest Martha (or maybe I was too busy looking at her to notice him).
Someone else told me about the person who swims with flip-flops on their hands. I'll have to swim at UBC sometime.
p.s. Pam...can you email me? I want to ask you about something...
apparently there's a woman who talks into her pants who frequents the pool. . . we'll have to keep an eye out for her ;) hope you have a great vacation, bbq action in late july!!
~ Rhy
This was hilarious. The eating in the shower bit & Modest Martha was too much! What does Martha do after the swim? Dry off completely (using the hand-dryer for several hours) and then go back to work? Simply baffling...
Thanks to Monica Hamburg for directing me to your story. Gotta go get another box of tissue - just too too funny!
Many thanks for the smiles.
I can certainly attest to naked reader....he's a regular patron. In his defence, sometimes he does use the sauna and whirlpool. But he does spend a lot of time reading in the changeroom. And he's focused on reading...it's not "pretend reading" so I can look at naked men. He's engaged in the reading.
I've never seen what Modest Martha does after her swim. I assume she brings a change of clothes.
After reading this I don't feel so weird. I wear plastic or rubber pants to the pool ( what a baby wears, but without the diaper )two or three times a week. They work really well,as a bathing-suit and they don't seem to wear out,also no chlorine can get inside.
The lifeguards say it's cool, as long as I feel comfortable, and the plastic-pants are not see through. I have been using them since 1993.
A hilarious posting.
I've had run ins with Vaseline Lady at UBC, only I call her Marlene the Vaseline Queen. I also call her Koo Koo the Mermaid Girl because of her "unique" and nearly stationary swimming style, always in the fast lane.
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