I just ordered this book, but I am admittedly hesitant about its teachings.
Thank you for your honest insights.
Our homeschool support group has been studying this book for about 6 weeks now. We are reading two chapters a week though I have read ahead.
Overall I think the book offers some wonderful insights and helpful suggestions. They do bring home the importance of submission, reverance and obedience and fight against the cultural tides that would push us aside.
I do often get concerned with the rhetorical presentation of some of the Perl opinions, that at times seem to be just that opinions, yet they can be couched such that they appear to be an interpretation of scripture.
I continually find myself holding anything I feel questionable up to the word of God and seeing how it holds up against His word and if it is truly representing God's word.
I believe the overall theme of being created to be his help-meet and the emphasis on our husband-wif relationship is biblically sound and supported. I find that sometimes her applications of those principles can be shaky or questionable.
We discussed some of these very issues just this morning and one woman in the group wisely pointed out that God is using this book to work in our hearts and work in each of us in different ways to improve our marriage. I think one needs to be cautious however to remember that Debi Perl's words are not the bible and some of her suggestions are just that and need to remain that, suggestions or ideas. Do not mistake these for scripture and the commands of God.
I think the most frustrating part about the book for me is the rhetoric used that makes it difficult to distinguish between what is solid biblical truth and what is the application of that truth being recommended by the Perl's interpretation of the biblical principle.
On the other hand the suggestions offered in the book do serve to improve marriages and can help turn marraiges around. Having a joyful heart, wearing a smile and being available for "ALL" our man's needs are very important and life changing actions for our marriage. The power of these things should not be overlooked.
I believe the central core of the Perl book is that we, as women, are designed to be our husbands helper and this is clearly outlined in the bible. We are called to submit and to place ourselves under him and to serve and help him. The book then goes on to try to offer suggestions of how to do this which can have more debate and discussion surronding them.
Elizabeth George, a favorite Chrisitan author of mine, tackles similar issues of submission and loving our husbands in the book "A Woman After God's Own Heart". This book was life changing for me and the biblical foundation and focus for her claims are much more clear. Where she is offering suggestions, she makes it clearer. I highly recommend the George book and the chapters on submission, obedience and loving our spouse and children.
Looking forward to reading more of your thoughts as we read through this book together.
Fab-tastic review. Can't wait to read more. 
Thanks for this review. I look forward to reading more. I have yet to read it, plan to, but don't have it yet. I always appreciate a balanced view of any book and your words are very balanced.
Thanks,
Kate
Thank you for this excellent review. I was pointed here by another friend's blog - Kirsten (www.razorbackmama.blogspot.com), and I am pleased to read yet another well thought out response to Debi Pearl's book. As a now-single mom of two boys, I am thankful to know that not everyone blames the woman whose husband abuses her and her children.
Thank you, again.
Allison
Thanks for leading such interesting discussion topics.
I guess the quote I have the most issue with is the get down on his emotional level. Surely, not all husbands are immature (emotionally, spiritually, etc.) with wives who are more mature in those same areas. Otherwise, great job on showing falicies.
Hmmmm...
I really didn't feel like Debi was putting pressure on women in the way that you described. I think she was simply talking to her audience, which is wives. A wife cannot "make" her husband embrace Christ, but they CAN be all they can be to show Him Christ. 1 Peter 3 says essentially that.
I'd type more, but I just had a toddler waddle up to me and point to his diaper region, saying, "Momma--stinky-bomb." So...I'd better go. *grin*
Good thoughts, though, and I'm glad you shared them. I love well-rounded conversations, and one can only partake of those when there are many different viewpoints being put into the pot.
Maybe I'll rattle on more, later, if I get a chance, on more of your post's content... I'm planning on tackling something rather controversial tomorrow, myself.
Blessings,
Moll
I have read the book, as I am sure you probably already know. *s* When reading "CTBHHM", I wasn't terribly bothered by some of the stronger statements that Debi made, or the areas that seemed a little lacking in firm biblical support.
This is the first book that I have read that specifically spoke about a woman's created position of Help Meet. While I think that on occassion Debi can be a little strong-willed and a little forceful, some ladies need that extra push. Of course, not everyone does, and it can seem overpowering to those whose hearts are already fertile soil.
Interesting enough, I don't have much issue with Debi's "blame game". Granted, I think that we all see clearly that one woman cannot make a happy marriage. One woman can make her man so miserable that he ceases to be the vibrant person that he could be, or he could just up and leave. Obviously, the door swings both ways, but the book was written for women, not men, and not couples. lol
I agree with Tenn, in that I would have liked to see the line drawn between scripture and opinion painted on a little thicker, to avoid confusion. Both Michael and Debi Pearl are pretty forceful in their writing, and it can be slightly difficult to discern what is simply an exegesis, and what might be slipping into isogesis of scripture. The line gets blurry sometimes.
All in all though, I think that the book is very helpful for wives. For all of the Debi-isms, I think that when taken on a whole, a woman should be able to come away from reading the book to feel as though she is aware of her sins and at least has a sign pointing in the right general direction.
For specifics and inerrant instruction, we should always turn to the Bible. That's probably the only place where most of us ladies won't find an opinion suitable for argument against. *chuckles* All in all, I still give "CTBHHM" a grade of B+
Thanks for this review, it's interesting...I am on Chapter 5 of the book, and while I am enjoying it personally VERY much I too agree with the point you and Tenn are making, but I will continue to read and enjoy it, and glean from it that which speaks to me and throw out the rest. I am looking forward to more reviews on it from ya!
Let me say first that I have not read this book yet. But as I've read through Spunky's review and all of the comments on both her blogs (and I've also read Kirstin's chapter-by-chapter reviews) one thing stands out. That is the issue of personal opinion or views being stated as if they are scriptural when they are at best stretching the context, and at worst, not what the Word says at all.
All of the ladies who have commented seem to be women of God who already read the Bible and therefore are able to take away the good stuff and throw out the rest. My concern is for new or younger Christians who are not as studied in scripture.
I've seen in my own life, as well as others, that some new or young Christians are naive in that they do not think a fellow Christian could say anything that would lead them wrong. (Please, please, don't yell -- I'm not saying that Mrs. Pearl is deliberately leading anyone wrong.) What happens to these ladies who read the book, believe that everything in it is EXACTLY what the Bible says about a wife's role and then plan their lives by it? What happens if they are doing everything the way Mrs. Pearl instructs, and yet their marriage is still unhappy -- or worse, their husband leaves them? Will they be left feeling ashamed and condemned over something that wasn't their fault to begin with?
I definitely believe we need to be reminded what our role is as a wife and helpmeet, and that we need to be continually sanctified and striving to overcome sin in our life. But we cannot MAKE our husbands into the man God wants them to be -- only God can do that. We are responsible to God for our sinful actions and attitudes -- but we are not responsible for our husband's. And it is not fair to say that we should overcome our wrong attitudes in spite of our husband's sin, but if he's sinning it's probably BECAUSE of OUR wrong attitudes.
I agree with what you all are saying. On matters of opinion we are to throw out the wrong opinions and keep the right ones. But it is the doctrinal issues that are unsupported that are troubling.
Would any of us accept that our husband was looking at pornography for the good that was in it and tossing out the bad? No because in reading the good the bad can cause him to stumble. The same is true with this book. The doctrine can cause a woman to stumble.
In a book that is doctrinally in error it is not enough to say take the good and throw out the error. A Titus 2 woman is called to teach that which is good. It is not just a matter of disagreement or blurred lines of opinion.
The doctrinal error is: A wife is responsible for our husbands complete sanctification and deliverance from temptation.
That is a serious statement of doctrine tht is false. She does not support it and does not explain it. I cannot overlook this for whatever good that there might be.
Debi is hard on us for the missing ingredients in our lives that can cause our marriage to run afoul. No problem there. We should be equally vigilant to hold her to a similiar biblical standard of truth. I just can't give the book a pass when serious statements of doctrine that are unsupported but presented as truth.
I hope to post more soon but my husband needs the computer and I have not finished the next post yet.
Spunky
One more thing,
The idea that we can cover pass sins without confession and repentance is also a problem. I find it interested that she finds many opportunities to tell us to meet our husbands physical needs but very few times to talk about confession, forgiveness, prayer, and fasting, and the study of God's word. Intimacy will not cover the past sins. Nor will it provide the spiritual strength that the woman will need to endure the trial of a difficult marriage. Prayer and fasting, comuunion with Christ, and a continually feasting in God's word are the tools that will provide her with that kind of strength.
I have not read the book, so my opinion is based on what I have heard about the book.
I agree with you that a spiritual problem takes a spiritual solution. A woman cannot be "good" enough to change the heart of her hubby, only God can do that. I have seen many marriages changed miraculously, including mine, but I have also seen great Christian friends crash and burn, and get divorced, in spite of godly efforts on a wife's part.
In life there are no guarantees-except for Jesus-and that is where our focus needs to lie.
Hey, I have one second (wow!) to complete a thought.
Basically (this is in my opinion, mind you), the Pearl's biggest flaw is that Michael Pearl thinks he is right...ie, his doctrinal viewpoints are all right.
It's not an attitude of, "I've studied, I've searched, and this is the conclusion I've come to regarding this particular doctrine--but I do realize that I am human and therefore there is the possibility that I am wrong." No--with Mr. Pearl, he appears to feel that his doctrinal viewpoints are CORRECT, and that means only his viewpoints are correct.
This is a problem common to many, and really isn't a problem in some ways--in many ways, it's a great strength. The gift of faith is a powerful thing and can wield great damage to the enemy! The problem is when faith is applied to the wrong thing...
Anyways, all that to say that I assume that flaw will be coming from the Pearl's, and so while I love most of their stuff, I take other parts with a grain of salt.
...And also to say that I don't think Debi's (sometimes questionable) assumptions about what Scripture is saying are actually so much coming from Debi, as they are actually just a reflection of her husband's strong viewpoints. He's a command man, obviously. *grin*
I love most of the book, as you well know. The main parts I disagree with are the doctrinal parts, specifically regarding women.
But...I don't really mind that, because I'm a big girl and can handle other opinions. And that's what I view those as--just the opinions of others. The rest of the book I thought was gold--the BEST book I've ever seen for wives, ever, ever, ever--and so I think it's well worth despite it's few flaws. (I mean, what book by human hand WON'T have a flaw???)...
Anyways, just my three pennies...
:o)
Love,
One of my concerns about this book and the many others like it is how it can heap condemnation on already overburdened wives. Your husband is straying? It's your fault for not making yourself more attractive than the "office wench". Who cares if you are almost 50 and, although you keep yourself as fit and attractive as possible, your husband has always found you shapeless --- and the "office wench" is an 18 year old "Porno Barbie"? It's still all your fault.
And, if you're having post-partum depression, or you just lost a child to death, or you have a chemical imbalance the renders you prone to depresssion, you still need to have a "merry heart" and be an eager, playful, and exciting bed partner.
I sometimes read books of this ilk and wonder if the authors are all gorgeous, full of energy, delightfully talented, wonderful cooks, great homemakers, extroverts, and sexual adventuresses...all while being submissive and quiet of spirit. Or else how would they expect all the rest of us to live up to such impossible ideals?
"This puts all the weight on the woman and takes Christ, the power of the cross, and the husband out of the picture."
Spunky, You hit the nail on the head with that one. That is what I decided was truly wrong with the book. There is a form of godliness but the power to implement it is missing. That power comes through Messiah who shed His blood for us, the power of His cross and His resurrection. It also does not address the free-will of the husband. I was married to a christian man for almost 20 years. We had 4 beautiful daughters and 1 beautiful son through that marriage. We met in missionary training, he pastored a church for a few years and was an elder in the church we were in when he started acting out what was in his heart. I believed just as Debi thought and tried to be the submissive wife, though I am a strong-willed person and had lots of hard-knocks learning it. We were part of a church that lorded authority and encouraged men to make their wives submit, too. When I married him, I was a really young believer and knew I was a new creation in Christ. After we got engaged, I felt I should tell him I wasn't a virgin and give him opportunity to back out. He told me had been involved in homosexual activity in high school. I saw for him what I saw for myself - that he was a new creation in Christ and committed myself to him. He struggled with it our whole marriage but did not act out until we had been married for over 18 years. I found out what he was doing a couple of months after our 19th anniversary. Our oldest daughter had just turned 18. It was devastating to our family and the marriage did come to an end by his choices. (continued)
I know that I was a good wife and prayed and prayed for him over the years, but that did not prevent him from finally acting out what was in his heart. Of course, I did not do everything perfectly, no one does, but I learned submission in that marriage and I trusted G-d for that man. That still did not guarantee the desired result for me. It shook my world, but I am glad now for all that I have learned through it. I tended to "have the answers" before I went through that in my life. I certainly don't now. I do know the One who does have the answers and have learned that we have to learn to follow His leading for each of our own lives, not copy what someone else has done or is doing.
She addresses a man being emotionally unfaithful to his wife in her being aggressive in turning on the female competion in the wife to keep her husband. A good friend at the time, who had come out of that lifestyle, told me that one of the hardest things for a woman in that situation is that you can compete with another woman, but how can you compete with a man for your husband's affections? That really helped me tremendously with dealing with it. Interestingly enough, that man is now my husband and we have a very good marriage because of the power of the blood and the cross in our lives and that we both abandon ourselves to the only One who can make a good marriage. I do not think you can have a heavenly marriage unless both partners in it are obeying the Lord and He is the head of their relationship.
According to Debi, I have chosen the low road instead of the higher road. I should have had faith for the first husband and still be waiting for him to repent. I know I heard my Father's voice so many times through that time and also in this marriage, and am doing what He has for me. Blanket statements like that are what someone who has a legalistic outlook will make, not someone who has been tried in the fires of life and has found that mercy always triumphs over judgement.
Thank you for the excellent review and I really look forward to the rest of yours, just as I have Kirstin's. My husband is still wading through reading the book. He gets so upset with it that he has to put it aside for awhile before he reads more. We have discussed much of it anyway, since I have wanted his input as I read it. I'm glad that you and your husband have come to this conclusion together.
Love and shalom,
I'm still chewing on this book... but I have to think that perhaps with "heavenly marriage" she did not necessarily mean happy or golden... but perhaps just "God Honoring"? I don't think it's putting all of the weight on the woman when we let go trying to change the things we cannot change (our husbands), and take hold of the things we can change(ourselves). We don't carry the weight of our husband's choices, but we do carry the weight of our own.
Hindsfeet, when I read I try not to assume what the author was intending but look at the words that are written.
You've been tagged.
Seems that each person is to add a new question, so mine will be #10. You add one and post the questions on five more blogs. When it gets to 10 questions people should drop the first question when they add one.
Be sure to answer them on your blog
1. What is your favorite all-time movie?
2. Where is your favorite place on earth?
3. Do you run a home business, and if yes, then what is it you do?
4. What are some lessons in life you had to learn the hard way?
5. As a parent, what is the one thing you are (or would be) happiest to see in your children?
6. Who do you most consider to be your role model, the person you most want to be like?
7. What is the greatest blessing you have gained from home schooling?
8. What is a favorite quote, motto or verse of yours?
9. If you were not a homeschooling mom/wife/homemaker, what do you think you would be?
10. If you are married, where were you when you first saw your spouse and what was the first thought in your head?
I have read the book, several times, and liked it because it emphasises many things that have gone by the wayside in the church today. Yes, read it with discernment and encourage others to do so. The Bible commands us to do that.
The Pearls are Christian brothers and sisters. No, they are not right about everything. None of us are even though we like to think we are. I think the response is to be gracious and to humbly learn what we can from every other believer, trying all things by the Word of God. In love we are to believe all things remembering that we are all on the same team.
By the way, one of my first responses to reading the chapter about a merry heart was to ask God and my husband to forgive me for morose spirit I tend to have because I dwell on negative thoughts and generally carry a hurt, woe is me attitude.
You are so right Leigh Ann!
I have no offense with the Pearl's and that is why I will not allow comments directed at them personally. However, this book contains a harmful doctrine. Michael calls it the "Doctrine of Wrongful Suffering in Silence". It is an a questionable doctrine that leads to a dangerous conclusion. If it were a matter of lesser significance I would just move on.
We are all on the same side. On the side of truth. I want the truth to win out. I don't claim to have all the truth and that is why I am submitting my critique to a public review so that is can be analyzed as well.
Spunky
I have a close friend who read this book after it was given to her daughter as a bridal shower present. My friend told me it stirred her up so much spiritually, and she would not recommend the book. I was thinking of buying it, but after hearing what my friend said, and you saying much of what she said, it appears that it can be a book that can lead women the wrong way - following a woman and her ideals, rather than following God and HIS convictions that He lays on her heart. Thank you for being so willing to be open about this. Loni
Thank you for putting into words just what I've been thinking as I've read this book.
The word "helper" seems to denote "inferior" in the minds of many. But God Himself is referenced by that same word. Peace.
House Church Network
Zane,
The term she uses is not a problem with me. I hope you get a chance to read my four posts and I think you will get an idea of where I am coming from.
The longer I'm married (almost 30 years of wedded bliss!) and the more children I have (11 dear blessings!) the less I read books by marriage and family experts (even Christians) and the more I read the Bible.
Tulip Girl recommended your analysis and I shall enjoy reading on down...
Debi Pearl's book has opened my eyes and encouraged me to read more of God's word. I find the article a bit 'nitpicky' but would also state that you will never find the perfect book written by us siful men (and women). The Bible is the only perfect resource.
If that is what it has encouraged you to do I am happy for that. For many others these discussions have revealed a foundational doctrine that is troublesome.
I would encourage you to see this discussion to understand more what is being said.
http://allthings2all.blogspot.co...ter-
joy_30.html
Thank you for your honest and godly perspective on this book. It is the only thing that is helping me process what I have read. Keep it up! You are very courageous since there seems to be an odd amount of zealous support for this book.
I found this book very disturbing. After reading this book, I feel I'll just stick to the bible and avoid books that offer unbiblical undertones.
You are a wise woman Jennifer
i thought i was the only one who "took issue" with some of debi's writing! good to know i'm not!
I was tremendously blessed by many of the principles I read in this book, BUT I also agree with many of the stands that you mention. Reading any book must come with discernment, with the exception of the Bible of course Great site.
Blessings to you and yours,
Teresa
wifey to Tom and homeschooling mom to Jeremiah, Jessica, Timothy, Angel baby, Emily, Rebekah and Phillip
I am currently reading Created to be his Helpmeet and am in chapter 19. I love it and it has blessed my marriage immensely. I highly suggest this book to all women.
I recommend reading Spunky's reviews carefully. Chapter 21 is confused to say the least. It is profitable to exercise discernment.
Hi,
I have been so blessed by CTBHH, and I was shocked that someone could find so much fault. Anyway, here are a few thoughts about your review.
About "turning on the merry switch" instead of repentance first. Well, We are rebelious people. We don't like to repent. That why God tells us what to do whether or not we "feel" is. Truth is, if you will act right, sooner or later you will feel repentance about past behaviour, because you will see the difference, and really see the damage that you caused.
About the issue with Beka asking her Dad a question, methinks you missed the point. I grew up in a christian home, deferring to my parents is everything. When I got married, I continued to defer to my folks. Big mistake. I wish that when got married, they had done something similar to let me know that I was off the hook with them and that my allegiance to authority had changed. I has been difficult. A wise father will let his little girl know that she doesn't and should'nt run to him, but to her husband. I applaud him for that.
About the abuse issue, well that issue needs a book unto itself. I don't have all the answers or any answer at all.
I won't write anymore but to say that my husband is really happy with the changes he has seen in me since I read the book.. Our marriage is stronger.
God bless you greatly,
Rhonda
Rhonda,
I appreciate your thoughts. And as I said in my first post the book contained some helpful reminders for us all. However, the theology on repentance is more troubling than it even appears in the book. I encourage you to follow the link to the comment by Catez.
It is not about "feeling" repentant. The goal of repentance is not just to make us "feel better". But to bring us into a right relationship with Christ. When we sin we break our relationship with Christ. That is why repentance is so important. It is not just changing behavior. Debi Pearl is plain in her direction to women. She has directly told us in the book so many things. I don't understand why she would assume that the most important action, that of repentance would be left out.
As far as the point with Rebekah and her dad. I realize the point she was making. I agree it is an important point. However, equally important is to understand that authors have the same responsibility. Debi and Micheal Pearl give much counsel in the book to women. However, didn't tell us as they Rebekah to consult our husband first. That came much later after Debi filled our heads with her thoughts on what a help meet is. Teaching women to submit to their husband's is necessary. It is better to seek our husband's counsel to understand what being his help meet is. Both in doctrinal and practical areas. A book on being a help meet should include more than advice. It should include the very encouragement Micheal gave to his daughter. That is GO ASK YOUR HUSBAND. That is lacking in this book entirely.
As others have mentioned here, I felt isolated and alone in my disagreement stance with the fullness of Debi's 'Helpmeet" book ~ my husband and I made the decision that the book was not for me/us, and moved on. Much to the chagrin of the proponents around us . . .Thanks for the haven of likemindedness in a world of opinions.
I have read all parts of your review on CTBHH as well as the readers' comments. Thanks to you and your husband for this thoughtful review.
We have benefitted from some of the Pearl's teachings, but I read this book and can't go along with all that Debi says. Much of her advice comes from her personal opinion and is not biblical. There are no cookie cutter marriages that can all be cured with her quick fixes. I can state for a fact after discussing the book with my husband that he would not be happy if I made some of the changes she advises.
I'm a little perplexed at the controversy your blog has caused. Any author of any book in the public domain should expect public reviews and discussion of the book's content. Your comments are written respectfully and articulately. I know you have taken a lot of heat for standing up for what you believe on this subject. Well done.
Spunky,
Just wanted you to know how refreshed and encouraged i am by your review! i so appreciate your willingness and ability to point out your concerns without lashing out at the Pearls. i, like you, picked up the book and was quickly disheartened by the heavy burden placed on wives. While i think that Debi brings some truth to light that you won't find dealt with in most Christian circles, some truth that is pretty hard to deal with as it is, it just came across so graceless...why make it harder to swallow than it already is, i wanted to ask. Too many times she directed our gaze to our own efforts or worse, to bad circumstances, rather than to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. Plenty more here, but i just wanted to share with you how appreciative i am of a woman who is able to clearly articulate Spiritually legitimate concerns about this book without using destructive language and furthering the division all over the Body of Christ in this and other areas!
My wife absolutly loved CTBHHM. One thing I would like to point out is that while Debi does put all the responsibility on the wife, Michael also puts all the responsibility on the husband in his "For Men Only" tape. In any healthy marriage it is important for both parties to give 100%, not 50% each and hope it all works out. Great insights and observations though. We should all be keeping what we read and are taught in close scrutiny next to the scriptures. I do appreciate the Pearl's attitude to speak their minds.
The Pearls ability to speak their minds must be measured against the scriptures. You and your wife need to sit down and examine how is that you can have a "Godly marriage" without repentance and forgiveness. No where is that discussed in this book. The idea that a "merry heart" is the first step to a "heavenly marriage" is flawed.
The doctrine of wrongful suffering in silence that Michael talks about in the book is a dangerous doctrine for woman to read. It is also a twisting of the scriptures. I would encourage you as the head of your home to read this book for yourself. Especially if your wife is recommending this to others. You cannot know what goes on in other homes. I'd encourage you to do your homework.
I really enjoyed "Help Meet" and have recommended it to others. It seems to discuss many common sense things that are not talked about today to help improve marriages.
Thank you for your comments. After reading them I found that I agree with what you say about the book lacking any mention of repentance and forgiveness. I see this same attitude in most Christian churches today. We all want to improve ourselves and our lives without asking forgiveness or repenting.
Your comments have opened my eyes and I will share them with others when discussing the book. I have changed my mind on using this book as a gift to other women.
May God Bless you as you help many who are searching for truth.
I am a conservative Baptist, non-feministic and a submissive wife. Even though there were some good things regarding bringing women back to godly principles in marriage, I found this book very disturbing. I had been a severely abused wife for 25 years. So from the angle of an abused wife, I would like to comment and speak up for those women too afraid or unable to speak for themselves.
Chapter 2: The ugly hillbilly woman- the first and main reason she is accounted as ‘Ugly’ by Debi Pearl, is that she is overweight! As an overweight woman, that stung! I may be overweight, but my husband and family and friends have never even intimated that I am ugly! The fact that a smile can change this “worse than regular ugly!” woman is hogwash. It takes more than a smile to change a character- though a smile does indeed help. To say that the woman became unrecognizable when she was caught scowling because she was upset at her obese daughter taking candy is a bit far-fetched (unless her husband is short-sighted or dim-witted) However, I do agree that we must cultivate a happy disposition and smile. Our husbands and family need to see that.
When I first read the letter to the desperate wife whose husband was having an emotional affair with his secretary my first response was that Mrs Pearl’s advice was wrong. Then I reconsidered and thought that there was truth in the advice that if the wife stood up for her rights (and indeed she was in the right)- and fought to win her man back, then that would be the better way to approach it than to end the marriage. I have seen marriages almost ruined by affairs become stronger than ever where the wife has stood her ground. But if the marriage fails, why does Mrs Pearl attest that “if you get another husband, he will be like your old one- cast off by some other woman”? Who is she to say that with such conviction? It is not necessarily true or a given fact!
But it is so true that you cannot force or demand your husband to love you and that he cannot be pressured to love you because you are husband and wife. But why does love come into the equation in a Christian marriage? Where are commitment, understanding, compassion, forgiveness and other Christ-like attributes like forbearance, integrity and obligation to keep the marriage vows simply because God says we must?
If one person does not want to be in a marriage, it is a sad fact of life that sometimes no matter how much the spouse who wishes to remain in the marriage tries to please the errant spouse, then the one wanting out will often leave or make it impossible to stay in the marriage by becoming violent or aggressive. Then, because of hardness of heart of the errant spouse, the prayers and efforts of the faithful spouse come to naught. Why? Because we are carnal creatures at times- both men and women. God sometimes cannot soften a heart that is turned from Him because He will not violate our free will. However,I believe if you loved your husband enough, you w
you would fight for him. Or stay in the marriage until it was impossible to remain safely in it.
We do see a bit of the “boys will be boys” mentality in this chapter, and I have to wonder if this is biased towards men being helpless creatures bewitched under the guiles of wicked women- Jezebels all. I know that men are called to account to God for their sins and being a man who can’t control his thought life and actions is not being a godly man. It does seem that the wife is to bear the burden of blame for her husband’s sin and then take it on the chin! And smile, smile, smile through her tears!
Another sore point with me is where she says,” being pitiful, hurt, discouraged and even sickly is one side of a “bad marriage” coin. Men in general (your husband in particular), are repulsed by women who project this image. A man’s spirit tells him his woman is rejecting him manipulating him when she regularly manifests a broken spirit, and he will react in anger.” As a woman who suffers from an illness that causes chronic pain and fatigue, I am so overjoyed to report that my husband doesn’t treat me as a faulty appliance which causes him great anger, but he cherishes me and tries to alleviate my suffering on bad days by sharing in my tasks and closing an eye to that which can’t be done on any particular day. After all, we promised to love each other in sickness and in health. Isn’t that type of commitment what God wants in marriage? So this chapter got me thanking God for the blessing of a husband who puts me first when I need it.
Chapter 4: Thanksgiving produces joy. Whilst I can see Mrs Pearl’s point about not getting upset about the trash not being taken out, I think she is a little (much?) on the immature side when she finds screaming like that funny. IMO she is mighty fortunate to have a man who can see the funny side- especially when he has not been in the habit of taking trash out for her. And then to see her struggling week after week with the trash and not help her seems really inconsiderate to me.
Also I am uncomfortable that a woman who is teaching other women to be godly wives forgets that we are to be discreet- especially when our intimate lives are involved. It is not very discreet to almost hope that the business manager comes in and then to have a scream ready to embarrass the poor man! Yes, we are to be our husband’s playmate! I agree 100% but then I agree with the Word which clearly says: ” as a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.” Proverbs 11:22
To not care about the feelings of the business manager but in fact to entertain thoughts of him finding Mr and Mrs Pearl frollicking or worse yet, in flagrant delicto, is absolutely contrary to Scripture. We are not to be the cause of another person to stumble- apart from being very embarrassing to the staff, I am sure most of them would think Mr and Mrs Pearl extremely indiscreet and insensitive- lovemaking should be enjoyable, fun and PRIVATE!
Chapter 5: the gift of wisdom: In the beginning of this chapter, IMO Mrs Pearl is putting a great deal of pressure on the wife to be the prime force behind a successful marriage. If the marriage is not a heavenly one, it would seem in her opinion, that the wife is not submitting or being thankful and joyful. Whilst I agree that basically what she says is true, there are marriages where normal boundaries are overstepped and it is impossible to be thankful or joyful- for example after a beating or some other horrendously humiliating experience. Now it is extremely difficult if not impossible, to be thankful to and for the husband who is like this.
Marriage is a two-way street. A man is to love his wife as his own body- no man hates his own body but cherishes it (Ephesians 5:2
To completely negate this by saying that a wife should love and respect her husband regardless is OK- to a point. But what of the badly abused wife? It is impossible to be a loving responsive wife in the evening after that same man has bruised you physically and emotionally during the day. At best our body can be receptive, but our heart cannot join in with loving responses. The fear overrides all else.
I feel Mrs Pearl is totally unable to empathise with a wife who is badly abused and to add the pressure of maintaining or creating a “heavenly” marriage in such a case is not only impossible but invites the poor woman to break down emotionally or even doubt or lose her faith! Mrs Pearl is preaching the truth for the majority of marriages- but not for all!
As a woman nearly beaten to the point of death in my first marriage, I take great exception to this
the abusive harsh husband)…”But he cannot victimize you unless you react outside of the wisdom of God.” This is such hogwash! When your jaw is dislocated or your ribs broken, it is a normal reaction to feel pain. Then to fear being hurt like that again. It is hopeful that the godly woman will turn to God in her pain and not feel rejected by Him. To even continue in a marriage like this takes more faith and obedience than Mrs Pearl will ever know personally.
I did as Mrs Pearl advocates: I held my tongue and didn’t strike back in anger. I tried not to feel sorry for myself and protected HIM from the consequences of his sin by not going to the law and telling my doctor lies about how my injuries came about. I understand what Mrs Pearl is saying but I also understand that there are some men walking so much in sin that it goes WAY BEYOND TRASH BAGS NOT BEING TAKEN OUT. Prea
Preaching like Mrs Pearl’s saw me come to the point of a nervous breakdown.
When you feel like God doesn’t intervene or care or if you leave your husband, that you are going to Hell, and are therefore trapped in a cycle of abuse that makes you vomit up everything you eat because of fear, then you have nowhere to go but down into the pit of Hell itself. I am adamant that God does care, and doesn’t want any wife to be treated in this way. But I realise that on the other side of the coin, there are many wives who will justify leaving their husbands for a minor infringement like not taking the trash out! So this chapter has to be read assuming that a marriage is not in the extreme range of violence against the woman.
I wasn’t going to get personal in my critique, but maybe some women reading this will identify and be helped by what I write! Balance, dear Sisters, balance and wisdom in ALL things! So this chapter to me is one where I nod and turn the page over!
I have made notes of other things both good and bad to comment on, but I now realise that in all honesty, the more I delve into this book, the more I find it disturbs me. There are too many things that Debi Pearl writes about that are not backed up by scripture and in other situations, I feel that she and Michael offer no real answer for those married to men who are habitually abusing their wives. I am not really well enough at the moment to write about each and every chapter, so I will make a blanket critique of this book by saying IMO the advice is often unrealistic and even dangerous- especially about keeping silent if you are a wife suffering from abuse.
My belief is that when a wife comes to the point of shedding blood or having bones broken by her husband then the authorities should be notified, her doctor should be consulted and treatment given and her pastor should be informed. I regret that I followed the “suffering in silence” method of dealing with my own physical abuse and almost ended up dying at my ex husband’s hands. To counsel women along the lines of silent suffering is not wise counsel and downright dangerous.
So in closing, I would say that I have changed my mind about recommending the book- I would caution all those who read it to keep in mind that husbands do indeed have no right before God or man to so damage their wife that she suffer real physical damage. Christian or not- the red line is crossed when a woman or child is hit enough to cause any damage.
We have many excellent books on Christian marriage that are equally good in bringing women back to remembering that they are helpmeets. IMO the Pearls book is not totally backed up in scripture and is therefore erroneous teaching and dangerous as well. I now would say that my findings are 90% rubbish and 10% good teaching. If you are in a marriage where you are not living in fear every waking moment, praise God! I am happy for you, however, I am speaking up for thousands of godly Christian Sisters who are
I am speaking up for thousands of godly Christian Sisters who are not! They need your prayers and compassion badly- something that Debi and Michael Pearl seem to be lacking!
Here are some books that are by far better than CTBHH
"The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective" by Martha Peace.Leslie Vernick's ‘How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong’Gary Chapman: 'The 5 Love Languages' and 'On the Marriage You Always Wanted.' And by John Piper: 'What is the Difference? Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible.'"The Power Of A Positive Wife" by Karol Ladd
‘Feminine Appeal: 7 Virtues of a Godly Wife’ and ‘Mother and/or Biblical Womanhood in the Home’…both written by Nancy Leigh Demoss. Other greats include ‘Lord, Meet Me in the Laundry Room’ by Barbara Curtis as well as ‘The Mother at Home’.
© Glenys Robyn Hicks
I loved this book and it was extremely helpful for me in our marriage. I always try to learn from the successful people.
Learning from those who are successful is excellent advice. However, we are still called to check everything against the word of God. Titus 2 calls women to teach according to "sound doctrine". This book fails that first test of being Titus 2.
A wife is not God's best gift to our husbands- Christ is!! Although there are many wonderful suggestions here there is a lot of unnecessary condemnation that unsettled my spirit. A lot of inferences that if you do not agree with a particular point you are unsubmissive, a Jezebel spirit, or even godless.
It is impossible in our flesh to be the submissive wife we are exhorted to be. But Hallelujah- with Christ nothing is impossible. It is HIS work to change our hearts and turn our rebellious hearts into loving, joyful submissive ones for his glory. In other words- no condemnation- allow the Lord to make us into these godly wives. For I know what I need to do- but cannot do it- but the Lord will change me.
I am not a feminist AT ALL and my heart tries to take control. This is really an area of struggle but the LOrd has changed me a lot and He will continue to mold me into a Proverbs 31 gal.
In this book however, if you are disabled, single, widowed, or divorce - it's like you are useless. That's just a lie!! NO matter what a mess of your life you have made- God can deliver you, bless you, change you. He can keep your children, fill your heart with joy, and best of all- fill you with his life. Christ is the all and all and marriage is a shadow of what heaven will be. But as Paul said- its better to be unmarried...
Christ will not break a bruised reed don't let this book condemn you- the Holy Spirit is gentle and will change us as we submit to Him.
A young mom of 3
I really appreciate your reminder to us all to fast and pray, and to remember that we are in a spiritual battle - very true.
However, I don't think this means we should throw this book out. It's high time SOMEBODY wrote a book like this! I, personally, really needed much of this advice, having been raised in a non-Christian home and a feminist culture - and I DO pray for my husband! Even among Christian women, I have seen more lack of submission and lack of respect/reverence for husbands than I have seen good examples. So far, I have seen awesome changes come about in myself, my family, my marriage, and my husband, simply by coming to a greater understanding of my ministry to my husband and putting that into practice.
I don't agree with everything in it, either, but PLEASE don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!
If Debi had just written a self help book then I would just move on. Dr. Laura wrote a book about the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. She doesn't sell it as God's Plan for a heavenly marriage. Debi Pearl does. Any plan that does not include repentance and prayer but a merry heart and sex as the first step to a heavenly marriage is NOT my idea of God's plan. Sorry.
This isn't about you. I'm glad it helped you. This is first and foremost about truth. We have to come to a place as Christians to understand that telling the TRUTH is what will glorify God AND help us. There are plenty of other books out there (D. James Kennedy is one that I mentioned) that say similar things to Debi. But God's Word has already been written. Going there is the first place we should be instructed to go as Christian women. And then all other teachers should be measured against God's word. And God's word instructs a Titus 2 woman to teach according to sound doctrine.
Over the past week, some of what you have written here has been rolling around in my head from time to time.
Today I was thinking about the Help Meet book, and it occurred to me that the basic premises of every chapter of that book ARE based on the Word of God. This book does NOT simply tell you to look pretty, smile big and "roll in the hay" and everything will be fine. What the author encourages women to do to follow what the Word of God reccommends for marriage - God Himself tells us to be joyful, of good cheer, thankful, submitted, respectful, love our husbands, fulfill our marital duty, etc.
When you say that a spiritual battle calls for spiritual weapons, this is true. However, understanding and obeying the Word of God IS spiritual warfare. All the fasting and prayer in the world won't do any good if we are not obeying God's words to us as wives, and as Christians. "To obey is better than sacrifice."
You are right, it is not about me, but about God's truth. I wrote my comment above in order to share that I have reaped wonderful fruit from the wisdom found in these teachings.
Unfortunately, I leant my copy out, but it seems to me I DO remember being called to repent and pray in this book. If not, I sure did alot of repenting while reading it anyway!
Faith
Spunky,
I'm glad you made a note at the end of "The Pearl's Response" about the Mercy in the Morning blog.
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com...rdeborah/26344/
Faith, keep in mind the doctrine of repentance for the Pearls is different than what I believe. There teaching Sin No More discusses that in great length. Debi wrote a book that could be useful to a Momon or any other woman. She can acheive a "worldly heavenly marriage". Huh! That's not acceptable. We are told to preach the good news of Jesus Christ. That is the basic premise of the Gospel. Sure, this book has Christian ideals in it. But it is incomplete. It has a form of godliness but denies the power there of. The Holy Spirit is where the power comes from. A merry heart comes from communing with the Savior. The first step isn't to put on a merry heart. It's to put CHRIST in your HEART. Debi doesn't assume that a woman is a Christian. Rebekah said that in her comments that I referred you to.
The book has one reference to coming to the feet and weeping before the Lord. But there are far more instances where she says the woman has "no hope". That isn't the gospel of redemption that I know to be true. As long as there is air in my lungs, there is hope.
Here's is just one example of the lack of on repentance. On page 35 she is talking about having a "poor me attitude". She said,
"If you have ever been guilty of this attitude, now is the time to say, "Never again."
NO! Now is the time to say "forgive me Lord Jesus. And then go to our husbands' seeking their forgiveness. Yet, we are never exhorted to do so. Instead she tells women to put on music and practice having a merry heart. Christ's cleansing blood and forgiveness is the what will give us that merry heart. Practice isn't the answer. Christ is. We cannot put on the fruit of the Spirit as she exhorts without the root. Christ is that root. For us to assume that's what she meant is fine. But she says this book is suitabl for a Mormon or other's who are unbelievers. You can't have it both ways. You can't assume she's speaking to believers who know this Truth when, when the co-author says otherwise.
You guys could have fixed the Church at Corinth! I agree with just about all of your,"no way-yes buts". I am stuck with the fact that my wife bought the book, read it, and came home a new woman! Our home has changed for the better. My kids are happier. I don't agree with everything Mrs Pearl has written. If you write a book I won't agree with everything you put to paper. The Lord has used this format to bring the Word of God to my wife in a way she received. Her whole life has changed! With all of Mrs Pearl's imperfections and errors: God chose to use her in my house. Go figure.
I don't have to go figure. To a mature woman with a discerning husband as you appear to be, this book can be useful. I have already stated that.
However, you and I are not the issue. If this were just a self help book, I'd have no comment. (Dr. Laura wrote a very similar book to this.)
But Mrs. Pearl declares herself a Titus 2 woman. As such, she must teach according to sound doctrine. Her book is to be evaluated on that basis not on just the fact that it helped you or I.
She stipulates that this is "God's Plan" for a heavenly marriage. God's Plan includes repentance of sin. We cannot put new wine into old wineskins. Your wife's "transformation" does not excuse poor doctrine and the misuse of scripture. Unfortunately, that seems to be what many are willing to do. So long as the husband gets "his fix" who cares what other lies the women swallows.
I have found your thoughts quite provoking. I am currently reading, "Created To Be His HelpMeet" I have found a lot of the advice helpful and even spoke to me and convicted me. I also did get a feeling that everything was one-sided. The man seems to have no fault, whereas the woman creates all errors in the household. I think that we should all be accountable for our actions and our responsiblity in any failings in any relationships. I will continue to read Debi's book with discernment and finding the good and throwing away the bad.
I enjoyed reading your insight on Mrs. Pearl's book, Spunky! My HS group just started a small on-line study of this book and already I am very grieved by Chapters 1-5. There are some gems to ponder and apply to my life... but the overall tone of Mrs. Pearl's topic is troubling. She writes of being humble and not taking on a wrong... which is correct. Yet I am troubled to read her viewpoints (doctrinal views?) that an emotional affair woman is a "sl**" and
full-gospel women have bad marriages. That kinda seems uncalled for and reminds myself of folks who are very pious and religious but cast a stone of judgment at others who do not meet their standards? Kind of like telling Jesus He cannot come inside the church... because His blood stained feet would ruin the new carpet? There is a lot of pride mixed in with her advice... and that troubles me. Just my 2 cents.
God have mercy on us all. You have far too much time on your hands. At least you are not on the couch watching Survivor or something, but the obvious investment of time made here to attack someone's book is staggering. There is nothing so grevious in that book that it mandates this kind of witch hunt. Surly you simply must have something better to do.
I do pray that my husband and I are humble enough to take correction Jeff. If there is any factual errors in the review or areas where you can be more specific in your criticism I will glady take the time to consider them. We are not on a witch hunt as you say. Our desire is to honor the Lord and do as Titus 2 commands which is to teach according to sound doctrine. We devoted the time necessary to do a review without any personal attacks to the authors. I would hope that others would do the same when they find fault with the review.
Spunky, I'm glad you took the time.
I watched my sis grovel at the feet of a violent drunk for many years.
He told her that if she was ever a good enough wife, it would change his behavior. None of his willful choices were his own fault. When he threatened to kill all of the children on Christmas and even tried with a car, well, that was her fault. He would have LOVED this book if he hadn't died from drug abuse. (Also her fault I'm sure.)
He cheated, she blamed herself. He lied, she blamed herself. She "praised him" to her kids and now they shy away from Christianity because they literally bear the scars of her approach to the problem.
Please continue to take the time. Kind, gentle, deceived, and self-debasing Christian wives are out there and they need you. They don't need to just lie about their husband's unrepentant hearts.
With tears,
Donna
I, too, am surprised at the extreme nitpicking and negative review of the book 'ctbhh'. I got much good from the book, and after recommending it to a few friends, have ordered three cases for them to distribute to their friends they have recommended it to, or as gifts for their friends or family members. I don't think any book we ever read, with the exception of the Holy Word of God, is going to be perfect, and don't see how we can go into a book expecting it to be so! Authors are only human.
I don't think the book addresses faults of men because it is *written to women*. We women are good enough at 'husband-bashing' and blaming our men for our problems--this book tells it like it is as far as *MY* responsibility in the marriage. It doesn't do any good to list and talk about where he is going wrong--a woman can only change herself, not her man. Too often we make excuses for not doing what we should be doing because 'he doesn't love me the way Christ loved the church and gave himself for it'. I got so much from the message that the Bible doesn't say 'wives submit to your husbands IF your husband loves. . .'
to be cont'd. . .
The entire book is *about* repentence, which literally means to turn around--do a 180--change what you are doing and how you are living. It doesn't just *say* repent, it gets down to the nitty gritty and tells you how to repent and what to repent of. And while it doesn't say to go to our husbands and confess to them, I don't see why that would always be necessary--she is right that serving our role as a help meet in our marriage is between me and God. So repent before God and get busy doing what is right!
It also doesn't address abusive relationships b/c that's not the intended audience. The intended audience, it seems to me, is this large group of women who have been negatively influenced by our current culture of feminism and selfishness (ME mentality, my needs, my ambitions being fulfilled, my desire to have a happy marriage based on me getting what I want rather than glorifying God, etc.).
Finally, I'm not sure why so much emphasis is put on 'the doctrine of complete sanctification' as you quote. Maybe I'm misunderstanding, and I'll concede that I wouldn't have included the adjective 'complete' in the above, but I Corinthians 7:14 and 16 jump to my mind regarding the believing wife sanctifying the husband and children. I don't probably have space to go into it here, but of course God is the one who sanctifies--yet the Bible does clearly state that a believing spouse has a great possibility of influence on an unbelieving spouse. That is the context in which I took her statement.
There were parts of the book I didn't agree with, times that I thought the author was overly strident in her tone, (such as the 'dumb cluck' test), but I realize that she is human and sometimes opinions differ. There was a LOT of good in the book and the message needs to be taught.
So, I end with encouraging people to look at what good they can get from the book. I think its message is desperately needed in our culture today--marriage is not about making me happy. It is a picture of Christ and the church, and as such, I need to be serving my role as help meet as I was created to do. I appreciate the practical suggestions of HOW to be a good help meet, b/c sometimes we in this generation simply don't know how, haven't seen the good examples, and even if we're *trying* to do a good job, our subconscious is so influenced by the propaganda that we (at least *I*) have been unsubmissive in ways I didn't even realize!
Sincerely,
Shonya
A friend of mine sent me your blog about the Pearls. I also read the link about CTBHHM. Thanks to my friend and you I now know I'm not the only one feeling criticized and condemned. I felt like I had to keep everything to myself and not make waves about anything of concern to me in my marriage, just submit and serve and satisfy his every whim unless it was pornographic. I started to get very depressed and very introverted after reading her book. It was disappointing because I liked everything else I read from them. Anyway, I feel like a great weight has been lifted. Elizabeth George, Elizabeth Elliot, Debra Evans and Lysa TerKerrst's books are much better in my opinion.
From this book it would appear that what God created for Adam was a slave, not a partner for life. According to the chapter by Michael, the husband has authority over what a woman wears, says, who she talks to, when she talks, whom she spends her time with, etc. etc. This is the stuff of abusive relationships, not heavenly marriages. This is describing a master/servant relationship, not a coventant marriage before God. This is also the stuff that makes people run from Christianity because it gives Jesus a bad representation. What this book does is prescribe a "fallen" relationship, not one of redemption that Jesus came to heal. Why is there never any discussion of verses such as Ephesians 5:21 in books like this: Submit to one another out of reverance for Christ. I am saddened that this mindset is so prevalent in our culture.
I have only got to about chapter 4, and I must say I am not AT ALL impressed. Sure, Debi says some great things...about being joyful when your husband comes home. Making that extra effort to keep him happy. But I about came unglued when I heard the chapter about the husband having the emotional affair. My husband has battled for years and years with viewing pornography. He had an affair with his eyes. My reaction was NOT to have more sex with him or to "compete" with the women on the computer screen. There was no comparison! I've had 3 babies and no lypo suction. These babes were in prime, fit condition and doing things I don't even want to think about! So how was I to react? I told him to hit the road. If that's what he wanted, then go for it. What was the end result? Long story short, he ended up coming to Christ, changing his life and being the man I dream of. How dare Debi give such advice? What kind of stress would "competing" put on the wife? Personally, I will continue to read because a friend and I are reading it together...but I must say, I'm not the least bit impressed. Woman was taken from Adams RIB because they are a help mate...ment to compliment their husbands. Not their foot to be walked on. Not their heads to be above them. And there is NO WAY you can compliment your husband if he's out messing around physically, spiritually, or emotionally! Why should he change if he can have his cake and eat it too??? And I speak from experience! My husband went from an unsaved, pornography addicted bum, to a God loving, God fearing, WONDERFUL husband and father. Why? Because God worked through him through me! If a baby goes to touch a flame, you're not going to try to distract the baby with something else. NO! You tell that baby no, and give it a smack on the fingers to get that baby's attention and make sure it knows not to touch the flame. I pity the wife that Debi wrote that too! What kind of pressure she must have put on that woman! Every day when her husband leaves the home, she's going to think, "Was I good enough in bed? Did I fill his stomach so much that he wont want to eat out with that woman? Do I look pretty enough to turn his head?" WHAT PRESSURES! Then to say that w/o her husband, she's going to end up lonely living in a trailer? HOGWASH!
I can't go on. The more I rant, the more I want to rant! I just know I've lived with the "emotional" affair. My husband had many. He also had many phone sex conversations that broke my heart. Now, through the Blood of Jesus, I can forgive and forget. Because my husband has repented and drastically changed his ways. All because I didn't put up with it. Because God gave me the strength to say, "Stop it or leave!" I wouldn't change a thing...I'd do it over again to get the man of my dreams out of Satan's grip. Praise the Lord for His power and His redemption! My apologies if I offended anyone. I'm VERY passionate about t
I read all of the comments (many). I share the same opinion that you do of the book to large degree. There was one comment that hit me hard, though. It was one accusing your blog of nitpicking and attacking the book and that it was a waste of time. When I read this book, I was deeply grieved. The tone and voice of the author that come through are very bitter and critical. Scripture exhorts us to be gentle and kind in our words. This book is not. My husband told me to throw it away. It went in the trash on his request because he was so offended by it as a man, because he felt it did not allow that any man could seek God and seek to be a good father and husband--and not be a dictator of his family, constantly seeking to fill all of his own wants and needs.
I've read most of the book and i feel that it is a little much. True God did create women to be man's help meet, but not his servant. Debi authors the book as if a women that has any concerns about her husband or any complaints is just dumb. The way she describes how a women should be at all times is almost like the stepford wives club. And how she blames women for men's sexual thoughts is outrageous. True women can help how they dress but it is not the womens entire fault if a man looks at a women and comits aldultrey in his mind. Unless you've read the Bible and prayed about your marriage don't realy on this book
For many years before reading CTBHH I would pray and ask God to help me be what I needed to be as a wife but I'd always pray ,"and Lord help my husband because I wouldn't be this way if he were..." My attitude was wrong. I never realized that until I read this book. To me it has been a trumendous blessing! I so desperatley wanted a God-honoring, happy marriage but my outlook on how to obtain that was wrong. The Lord showed me through much of what Debi wrote what I needed to change. It's been said that she doesn't even mention asking for forgiveness from God or hubby for the way that we've behaved and you're right, she doesn't, but know what, that is EXACTLY what I did after reading it!! Why? Because GOD WAS SPEAKING TO ME and CHANGING ME!! I didn't have to be told to do it by her because God put that desire in my heart HIMSELF. Is everything she says correct, well she's human so of course not. But the Bible says this, "Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth." 2 Tim. 2:15 When we read anything we need to compare it to scripture, pray and seek God's wisdom about what we've just read. The Pearls are very firm in their beliefs, some of which I agree with and some of which I don't but I think for someone who is really seeking to be the helpmeet that God has designed them for this book will be a help and a blessing in STARTING down that path.
So, take and keep what the Lord speaks to you about and throw out the rest. "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not;and it shall be given him. " James 1:5
Krissy
A mature woman can read this as you have and take the meat and spit out the bones, but a young believer or young woman just like a baby will choke on the bones because they are not able to discern what to chew on and what to spit out.
I am VERY dissapointed in almost all of you women, your response is exactly what I thought women are coming to. Lowering your standards, making up excuses, trying to find strenght in each others laziness as "chirstian women and wives" ..... in NOT tying to open your eyes FREE OF ALL JUDMENT and thank this woman for having the guts, ambition, and motivation to do more than any of you will ever do.
Debi Pearl has saved SO MANY marriadges that I personally know of, and were doomed, that I KNOW in my heart they were mirracles. God works in mistirical ways. He get help out there to young naive wives who are SOOOO VERY lost. And THIS book was pure encouragement. You all sound like a bunch of snippity rich FAKE AMERICAN chirstians who just read a book that "told it like it is supposed to be" and all you can do is try and find fault!!!! this is why I am embarassed to call my self a christian, because of women like you all who want to walk the easy path and deny those friendly words this woman has spoken.... I agree... this book was written to wives,... NOT HUSBANDS!!! this is souly for women to take encouragement from. to try your hardest, to get to that point when you cant try any more and you have to either ask GOD for more love to give or GIVE UP and say you gave your all (even though you didn't let god give his all through you) if you really believe that GOD can do anything then you MUST believe that the bible wasn't pretending when it says "call upon god when you need him" or "cast your cares upon him" etc. GOD is the only way to have a heavenly marriage, but I can gaurantee you that I believe and agree with ALL Mrs. Pearl said, that if you give it your all AND hold true to your marriage vows, through THICK and thin, .... AND then fall on your knees daily and ask GOD for a little more help, THAT HE WILL HELP YOU AND SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.....
the fruit of a tree shows what kind of tree it is and ALL the works that I see come out of the PEARLS lives are pure love... which is more than most christians can say...
I thinks you all need to stop primping your silly faces and go re read your bible, this is a SELF CHECK MESSAGE
... sorry, if i offend anyone, this message is just for those who are hard at heart and trying to ruin a beautiful message of help to all struggleing wives. I'm just a little boiled by those who have passed such horribel judgment on a woman of god....
Amanda, thank you for your comment. You have not offended me. Everyone is entitled to their own review and commentary of the book. I posted mine and allowed for the commentary of those who disagree. No one has the corner on Truth, no I, you, nor Mrs. Pearl. I don't feel judged by your negative review of my work, nor do I judge Mrs. Pearl in my review of her work.
I am glad this book has helped women you know. As you can read in our opening post, I said there were some positives to the book. But I have also seen the devistatation that can come from a woman who suffers in silence and receive emails frequently from woman desperate to tell someone their story of abuse at the hands of their "loving" husband. I have not judged Mrs. Pearl, only the book that she has written. As a Titus 2 woman she is called to teach that which is true. We as fellow Christians are to be Bereans and see if what is taught is true. That's what my husband and I are doing.
I can assure you that my salvation and profession is in Jesus Christ and Him alone. I am humbled to call myself a Christian and a child of the living God. The easy path for me would have been to ignore the glaring errors in this book and go on with my life. My husband and I chose to endure the scorn of many others to write what we did. And we would gladly do it again. For Christ's sake and His Truth alone.
Humbly your sister in Christ
Spunky
The fact that SO many women have read and actually espouse to the heinous teachings of this book is sad.
Fantastic job on the review. I've heard so much about this book and how good it was. SO I was shocked at some of it's content and the potential for the harmful effects on marriages I believe it could cause in the long run. My husband and I have fortunately survived an affair and I believe a lot of these "Christian" books encourage this behavior without meaning to. When it becomes a matter of you being a good enough or attractive enough, or a merry enough, wife to keep your husband you are set for disaster. Your hope should be in God, and God ALONE. And my husband agrees wholeheartedly with this. These little lies the devil whispers in women's ears causing them undue insecurity are actually IN PRINT in this book. UNBELIEVABLE!
Thank you, Spunky, for your great discussion and critique. My wife & I read this book together (our church was thinking of basing a women's group on it), and together wrote our own critique of it & gave it to our pastor. Like your review, we tried to focus on comparing the book's teachings to the Bible. We just posted our critique on Blogspot & are hoping to stimulate some discussion, as well: http://createdtobehelpmeet.blogspot.com/
Thanks for your thoughtful comments & concern - my wife & I appreciate your insight.
My biggest concern is that God is the authority over all (including the husband) and we are told specifically if anyone in authority over us asks us to go against God's Word (I am so sorry, I don't have a Bible with me right now!), we are to follow God, rather than man.
In Titus 2, it explicitly states that a woman is to be the keeper of the home (as well as in other verses). Titus 2 also states that we are to be obedient/submissive to our husbands.
Debi Pearl seems to dismiss the command from God to obey His Word above the "commands" of our husband on not only the issue of keeping the home, but on several other issues (including being beaten). She makes sure to say that if our husbands ask us to have homosexual sex or sex with multiple partners, to decline them, but she does not support anything else, it seems.
I was so completely excited about this book, and have been so disappointed in it.
I am SO glad I found this site, though, knowing I am not alone in all the inconsistencies I have seen throughout the entire book.
Thank you,
Jess Gunning
P.S. I am also excited I found you, as I am going to be starting my first year homeschooling my 4 year old daughter soon! God's blessings to you!
This Debi Pearl ministry is scary. A "help meet" means "an equal power facing it" and complementing it. That means that the woman was created to complement the man, not to rule over him and not to be his servant. So the entire premise of this book seems to start out with a very basic misunderstanding of the Hebrew language and Scripture.
Also, the role of the husband is also to submit to his wife, according to the Bible ("Submit yourselves one to another in love...") The husband shows his submission to his wife in Christ by providing for her leadership needs. This means that he paves the way for her to have a successful career, have access to education, have access to every right that he himself has. (Just as Christ did for the Church, His Bride...Jesus gives us all things that are His, He doesn't lord it over us by reminding us that He is the Head and so He gets all of the rights and privileges and we get all of the menial duties, plus He gives us His authority over the enemy.)
Saying that woman who blindly obeys her husband is serving Christ is like saying that a German citizen who blindly obeyed Hitler was serving Christ.
I am serving Christ when I am obeying Christ, not when I am obeying an ungodly husband or an ungodly civic leader.
The Pearl books misses this basic premise of the Christian faith. It is almost as if they are making an idol out of married men.
More biblical scholars on this subject are John Temple Bristow or Craig Keener.
You know, when you first wrote these reviews, I was furious 
I would have gone down swinging for Debi and her book. But the more I read the book, the more discouraged I am because I have realized that no amount of cheer on my part is going to change the lack of love that my husband has for me. Sometimes you can do all the right things but there is responsibility on your spouses part to do their share in making a "glorious" marriage. I'm tired of feeling like everything is my fault...it isn't, and this book really hasn't helped.
ok, this review was WAY helpful to me as I am interrested in learning more about serving and loving my husband. What book would you recommend?
The Bible it's the best advice I've found to help with living the life of a believer. I don't say that flippantly, I haven't found anything else that comes close to what is written there. With the help of the Holy Spirit you should have all you need to be the wife your husband needs.
The ladies at my church were using this book as a guide for Bible study. I am concerned that some of the ladies are reversing the roles in the family as a result. It is as though they are taking the sole responsibility of the home on their shoulders. They feel that everything negative in the family is a direct result of their sin and no one elses. I believe that we are to keppers at home. I believe I should submit to my husband, who I believe is the most wonderful man walking the earth. he is a wonderful father to our five children. How do these ladies believe that they can everything to everyone in their family at the sametime nad that they have to look like a 10 while doing it. No wonder so many christian women are walking out of thier families. My husband loves me because he chooses to love me, because in doing so he is serving his Lord and master, Jesus. He does not love me because of what I do or what I look like, how well our kids behave, and most of all not because of how much passion we have in our marriage. We are committed to each other because we are committed to Christ, and being committed to Christ requires us to submitt our lives to Him. My husband sang a Don Fransico song to me at our wedding 21 years ago. "I Could Never Promise You" I could never promise you on just my strength alone
That all my life I'd care for you, and love you as my own
I've never known the future, I only see today
Words that last a lifetime would be more than I could say
But the love inside my heart today(tonight) is more than mine alone
It never changes, it never fails, never seeks it's own
And by the God who gives it, and who lives in me and you
I know the words I speak today(tonight) are words I'm going to do
(Chorus)
And so I stand before you now for all to hear and see
I promise you in Jesus' name the love He's given me
And through the years on earth and as eternity goes by
The life and love He's given us are never going to die…
(Interlude)
(Chorus)
And so I stand before you now for all to hear and see
I promise you in Jesus' name the love He's given me
And through the years on earth and as eternity goes by
The life and love He's given us are never going to die
The life and love He's given us are never going to die
I think there is a bigger picture here that many have totally missed but a few have realized it. It's all about who you serve. I feel heart ach and much saddness for women and men for that matter who are in a marriage where one or the other is not committed to Christ. I think prayer and more prayer is the only answer to that situation. We serve each other and we each try to give 100% not 50/50%. We do not have a perfect marriage but, we are happy and our children know we are committed to each other. I wonder if some of the ladies who agree with most/ everything in this book have Christian husbands who lord over them, really feel used and worn out, if this is a way for them to ju
Sorry it cut me off. Here is the rest.
I wonder if they feel so used and unworthy that this is their way of normallizing their situation. Someone did mention that a lot of this book is actual opinion and not Biblical facts. Jesus loved the women in his life. From the cross He turned over the keeping of His mother to His disciple. And just so you know I am not what you would consider an attractive woman by the worlds standards. My husband has been faithful to me. Even men with the most beautiful wives who give the most passion they ever had run around. Just pray that God will make you into the wife He wants you to be and you will be in His will if you seek that end. Blessings!
Hi, after reading many of the Pearl publications and gleaning much old-fashioned wisdom from them, I must say it is refreshing to read a rebuttal of some of the things Debi has to say in her book for wives. I believe the spirit she is trying to impart is one of servanthood, an attitude modern wives generally lack. I realized from her book that while we cannot MAKE our husbands be Godly husbands, we can and should strive to be the kind of wife God intended when he made woman and can greatly influence our husbands and children, along with the power of God. I found, however, that she veered from scriptures (our ultimate authority on these matters) so often, that it undermined her credibility overall. I really enjoyed reading your article!
Thanks Tracy for sharing your thoughts!
So I threw this book across the room after the first few chapters. And then I picked it up again and read it to the end.
And I found it confusing, because there were many moments when I was convicted by what I read. And there were many moments when I was offended by what I read and I couldn't put my finger on what it was that bothered me so much about those parts, especially when I recognized that some parts were just good sense.
ANd that's when I decided that the essential problem begins in the first few lines.
"you were created to fill a need... a helper suited to the needs of a man. This is how God created you and it is your purpose for existing."
This assumption, that a married woman's entire reason for existing is to fulfill a man's needs, this for me is the crux of what is off with the Debi's teaching. It puts women in the position toward their husbands that they should be in toward Christ.
The Bible teaches me that the main purpose of man (and woman) is to know God and to make him known. My marriage is most certainly an excellent setting for this to occur but it is by no means my primary purpose for existing.
My husband and I talk about this often and he is quite convinced that if I were able to morph myself into a completely subservient, existing only for his pleasure, type of woman that he would come to despise me and my emotional, and intellectual dependence. But he does like it when I act in the ways described in ctbhhm. But only when I do them out of genuine love and desire for him and at peace with myself and with God.
For a much more profitable look at marriage, motherhood, and our role in the body of Christ, may I recommend the Catholic church's teaching and understanding of vocations?
Marriage, and family is a vocation, a holy calling, that most are called to. (But it is not the only calling.) The Catholic understanding of how to function in the vocation of marriage as a disciple of Christ has been much more profitable for me and my marriage/family than CTBHHM.
I just wanted to add how much I admire Spunky's kind and gentle spirit in answering her critics. Spunky, you are amazing.
After reading the book (CTBHHM) I have to say I didn't feel the controversy as many of you have-- That is to say, I read the book with a sense of real encouragement at being able to make steps toward a better marriage. I don't think Mrs. Pearl spoke outside of Scripture writing her advice... Her opinions came forth from her 'big picture' understanding of the Bible's stance on a woman's role in a marriage. It sounds like a lot of women want to hear a Bible verse quoted for every sentence of advice written; or to hear a spiritual answer to everyday-life questions. Well, from what I read, that is the point! Everyday life is spiritual. Your everyday GODLY service is to make those dull moments a sacrifice to God as much as the moments when you depend on God's strength to obey a selfish husband. It's not teaching you to become a mindless, serving robot. I think you missed the point, if that's what you got out of it. It's not teaching you to deny Christ's authority, because it is telling you to obey His authority by obeying the one He placed over you. It's trying to teach you the blessing of getting over yourself (and all the woman-power teaching you've embraced) and the riches of sacrificing your all for another person.
I'm not an ultra conservative home schooler with natural remedies for every sickness-- I'm Canadian for goodness sake! I don't have to agree with every doctrinal difference between Mrs. Pearl and myself. But I take this book (CTBHHM) for what it is: An older woman advising younger women on how to live a godly life as a wife and mother-- I guess true submission (like the submission of Christ) will never be a real popular idea.
CTBHHM is actually the first book that I read then became saved. I needed her no nonsense truth!It's rare to find now-a-days. I highly recomend this. My hubby noticed a change in me the day after I started reading it. We are now both saved & going to church :o)
Steph M
What I didn't like about this book was the emphasis on the woman to hold the marriage and the success of her husband in her ability to be a help meet. It lacks the miracles that GOD does everyday! But what I really did like about the book was that it addressed many touchy and confusing verses, and while opinions may vary from her strong ones...it was VERY interesting to read, not boring at all, and it invokes a lot of discussion and thought. I actually liked the verbal "tone" that brought out her personality, whether or not that was a personality I would click with or not, it was interesting and vibrant because of it. A good read for any woman, even if you need to throw it across the room once in a while. Just like every sunday sermon...it's just ONE meal of many in your life...God is our main sustenance and if one good seed gets into good soil, God will grow it, not us, not Debi, and not our husbands, but all these others do water it!
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