So... if I don't like to eat eggplant, I'm being racist?
What about people who are vegetarians? Aren't they being racist towards hunter-gatherer societies? :D
That is outrageous about the childcare center. Somehow, though... I'm not surprised. As for your "friend", I'm sorry that your heart is hurt. I never would have imagined you as a racist after all the things I have read on your blog. I think all people "SEE" color. We can't help it. Sometimes we have to fight against the "fear of the unknown" with mingling together. Let's face it - we are all so very different, color is no exception. Even among white on white relationships, you can have a spirit of judgment against someone. I know I have been guilty of that many times and am constantly praying that God doesn't make me prideful or judgemental and that He shows me if there is any way in my attitude or behavior. We have friends of all colors and I have a heart that seeks to love all colors. Just because I am not always perfect doesn't mean I am a racist. I think your friend may be seeing something in her own heart that she feels convicted of and projecting it upon you. Maybe not. I think we could all stand to improve in getting along - no matter what color we are.
My children are all non-white. I would hope that no one ever becomes color blind. Their racial heritage is an important part of who they are. The history of black people is their history. Two of my children are adopted from Haiti. The history of that nation is the reason they are being parented in my home and not by their mothers. I hope that as they age they embrace both the good and the bad part of their racial heritage, that they celebrate what deserves celebration, they are saddened by the things that are sad, they are moved to compassion and that they say, "Never, ever again."
The best definition of racism that I have heard is:
"Race in itself means nothing–the markers of race, skin color, hair texture, the things that we identify as the racial markers, mean nothing unless they are given social meaning and unless there’s public policy and private actions that act upon those kinds of characteristics. That creates race." ~ Melvin Oliver, Sociologist (From of Race – The Power of an Illusion: The Houses We Live In)
Not liking a certain type of food doesn't qualify. In fact, if it did my children would be racist. They prefer Haitian food to American and will often look at what I make for dinner and inform me, "Pa mange." (Not eating!)
As far as your friend's assertion, I think you are the best person to judge your children. Do you children make eye contact and easily offer a smile to people of their same race and only hold back when it is someone of a different race? I am an introvert's introvert. I have been accused of having a demeaning attitude in conversations before too. But, it has nothing to do with the race of the person I am talking to. It has to do with the persons race. It is more that socializing is sometimes hard for me personally. I have worked on this my whole life and am only somewhat better.
Julie, my children's aunt is from the Phillipines with very dark skin and their children are obviously bi-racial. My sons' best friend is a dark skinned young man from India. My daughter (age 4) is best friends with another little girl from Pakistan. The idea that my kids were uncomfortable around another race or skin color never even occured to me until this incident. We've even talked about bi-racial marriage and the possibility that one or more of our children could marry someone of another color. It was never an issue with us.
Ironically we have experienced racism as white people. Our house was vandalized a few years ago by kids in our neighborhood. They spray painted racial and religious obscenities on all sides of our home and van. When we called the police they said that because we were white Christians there wasn't a prosecutor in our county (which includes Detroit) that would take our case, if we were black, Muslim, or gay we'd be front page news. We spent the rest of the night scrubbing our home so that the school children didn't have to read it on their way to school.
Because of this experience, my children are very aware of how upsetting and destructive negative attitudes can be. That doesn't mean they are perfect, but they certainly don't make it a point to single out one race for their imperfections.
Oh, Spunky, this speaks so much more of your friend's character than yours. I have never seen anything you have written or heard such an attitude coming from you. In fact, it seems to me to be just the opposite! I have heard you speak out against racist statements and opinions. I pray that that Lord will bless you in the midst of this charge and that a friendship can be restored.
I was with you 'til that last graf which reads like a poor attempt to inoculate the GOP against charges of racism. And since the the ink on the hagiographies for the terribly racist Jesse Helms hasn't even dried yet, that particular dog ain't gonna hunt.
Daryl, you've read more into that last paragraph. If somoene in the GOP (or conservative movement) is using race, I'll be right there with you to call it out.
Wow, Spunky's children aren't perfect.
366 pages? No day-care worker is going read, much less retain, all that info. Better a fold-out pamphlet that gives outlines.
I'm sorry about the unjust judgment against you and your kids, Spunky. That "friend" should have been gently asking you questions when she thought that she perceived "racist attitudes" on the part of your family, instead of playing God and judging the intentions of your hearts.
There is not much more I can add but this: sometimes people like to go around "pointing out the racist attitutes" in others because it makes them feel superior. I have delt with people like this. They look for something that does not exist to boost their own ego.
"Look how wonderful we are. We have put up with those racists. We have pointed out their problems and we pray for them. Are we not wonderful Christians? See how great we all to do this." Pride can show up in many ways. If it were me, I would have nothing to do with them. Their pride can bring you down ( I say this from personal experience.)
I think all this talk and emphasis on race has made us as a country more racisit. Instead of emphasizing the similarities, we are focusing on the differences and told to accept them or else be labeled.
In our town, a little boy on a bus made fun of a little boy of African American descent. So, instead of talking to that one rude and inconsiderate little boy, the WHOLE school district had to have an emphasis on racism. So, everyone became more aware of this African American boy as a RACE instead of as a person. Yah- I think that solved the problem....
Brethren,
We must not measure our behavior by worldling standards; we must speak on issues even if our analysis is wrongly perceived to be racial. If I mention the threat of Jihad to America, or the ongoing enslavement of our government by the International JEW (!), this does not make me a person afflicted with prejudice...It simply means that Christians are aware of attacks on our freedom by foces like the JEW WORLD ORDER...
I'm glad you brought this up...I blogged about it yesterday. I'm sorry about your "friend" and the pain she has caused your family. I could see it in your sweet eyes when we were talking about it when you were here...and even then, you had only touched on the subject w/no deep details...but I know it hurt you.
One of the things I wrote about was that I believe that a large part of this issue that they're having in England is because they signed the UN Treaty on the Rights of the Child. THIS is exactly the type of thing that happens in the signing countries...and that they WANT to happen here. Persoanal preference of food has now become a race issue. What's next?...Those who prefer red will be punished until they prefer green?...Those who prefer Italian food over Asian will have to attend a month's worth of "racial awareness" classes until they can stomach swallowing sushi?! (ick!)
Personal preference is even in the animal kingdom...a few years ago we went to Holmes County, Ohio (the largest community of Amish in the world) and the Amish man whose buggy we were about to board had the only white buggy horse (Amish prefer to use Bay-colored horses w/their dark brown bodies and black mane, forelock and tails b/c they are "plain"). He said that when they "go to meeting" they have to park their buggy "out of biting distance" from the other horses b/c they don't like him! Now...what do your do w/a racist group of horses? HOW do you give a community of horses sensitivity training?!
Blessings from Ohio...
A black city commissioner was upset with a white collegue during a meeting because the white commissioner referred to collections as a "black hole" because things kept getting lost. The black commissioner corrected him and said it was a "white hole" and then demanded an apology.
Can we all grow up a little here?
Your racism is illustrated in part by your insistence on controlling the definition of racism.
You so entirely miss the point (being fully acculturated into whiteness) that it is no wonder the person accusing you was exasperated. Admittedly, the "only God can address" line was a cop-out by your accuser.
I would be interested in finding some data about the correlation between homeschooling and racism. Intuitively, the link seems more than plausible.
"Your racism is illustrated in part by your insistence on controlling the definition of racism."
Rudy, I have not insisted on controlling the definition of racism. The title of this post is "What makes someone a racist?" Which clearly indicates I am open to hearing the varying definitions. But that doesn't mean I have to accept every definition offererd. I do not. In fact, in the dialogue with my friend, the first thing I did was to give an "operational definition" of racism. Which then led into a discussion of a operational and then to a biblical defintion which we both agreed with. The exasperation came when I insisted that she provide specific actions that could point to a racist belief. She could not. Even when I met with her and asked her directly what our family had done she refused to give any reply.
So it is not my "whiteness" or insistance on controlling a defintion, that prevented me from hearing her answer, it was her unwillingness to provide any answer at all. It was her belief that I was a racist without any evidence, and thus I was in the position of proving the negative, that I was not. The burden of proof is on the accuser not the accused.
That's nice, Rudy. White people have to accept whatever definition of racism that anyone suggests? I think not.
Just as men don't have to be told that any woman's definition of sexism is such, either.
There are a lot of people out there with such a laughable definition for both of those. (And, I hasten to add, yours is one of them.)
I should also note that this friend felt that we were racist from our first meeting (four or five years ago), which was at our church and brief. Shortly thereafter, she has visited our home and we enjoyed a very fun evening. I have been in her home, we have prayed together when she suffered a miscarriage and brought meals to her large family. She even at one point thanked me for some helpful counsel in dealing with her teenage son. There was NO indication at any point that she felt uncomfortable or demeaned in any way. It is only recently that she told me that she felt we were racists from the very first meeting and that these negative racial experiences are not isolated. She said they were "common and expected". This clearly told me that she quite possibly expected racist behavior simply because we were white and that she struggles with her own attitudes toward those of another race. How else do you explain an accusation without any evidence?
I think kids can pick up on vibes and possibly yours were picking up a bad "I know you don't like me" vibe behind the smile. I remember walking by a room where my parents were talking and I just KNEW something was wrong. Later I went back into the room and there was a paper detailing who gets what in a divorce. All I did was walk by the doorway and I could tell something wasn't right. Your kids might have picked up on something even if they couldn't articulate it.
Even if we have not yet agreed on a definition of "racist" can we all agree that Patrick Stanton is one and an anti-Semite to boot?
Yes Daryl, I agree that Patricks' remarks are over the top. I already editted a previous comment by him, but unfortunately the edit feature of Haloscan is temporarily disabled. If it doesn't return quickly, I will delete that comment.
Patrick, I ask you once again to refrain from using my comment box to publish your personal agenda on things that are only very tangentially related to the post. Freedom of speech is a wondeful thing and the web a huge stomping ground for it. I encourage you to get your own blog to publish your thoughts. But this is my blog and I will edit/delete as I feel appropriate. Thank you for your consideration.
Sister Spunky,
Of course it is your blog and I will cease commenting immediately...Keep up the good work of advancing the Kingdom until He comes!
Your Brother in Jesus,
PS
At the risk of being viewed a racist I'm going to go out on a limb and say something. I think racism so effects the individual victims and the communities affected by it that it is very difficult to view the world through any other lens. Meaning someone looks at you oddly and you see racism where it doesn' exist.
It is the same reason an abused child flinches when a teacher moves her hand too quickly. It is an expectation, an interpretation of the world. And perhaps one of the worst side effects of experiencing racism in America.
In a way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and people hold themselves out of friendships and opportunities because they expect to find racism and then feel held there because of a racism that is at least partly imagined.
Abuse victims frequently struggle with relationships, and I don't think racism, especially when experienced by children, is that different in its ultimate effect.
I agree Dana and my friend admitted as much when she said that these experiences are not common and "expected." Yet, when challenged to identify even one actual incident she could not come up with anything concrete.
Perhaps it is too late to comment on this thread, but as I was thinking today about this charge of racism against you, I wondered if it could be compared to family/cultural dynamics.
For example, when I married my husband, the family dynamics in his family of origin were radically different than the family I came from. When I would become frustrated at the things his dad would do and say, my husband responded with, "That's just Dad. You'll never change him so we have to live with it."
My husband grew up and adapted to these negative behaviors,so when his Dad is rude, it's "just Dad". But I read it as "rude". After many years of marriage, I do understand his family better, but I don't think I'll ever truly "get it" like my husband does.
Within certain cultures, in this case in this black family in Michigan, perhaps she read your behaviors and words as negative because of that cultural divide and is not willing to try to change her perspective to see where you are coming from.
From her cultural lens, perhaps she sees the things you do as racist because she, as you said, expects it and doesn't question the feelings of "racism" since it's ingrained in her culture and thinking.
And growing up in her black "family", she understands those dynamics and since you didn't grow up in the same "family", you'll never be able to understand why she reads into actions/words the way she does.
From my perspective, the charge of racism is especially hard because of all those cultural nuances that we most likely will never be able to understand. It takes a lot of maturity and graciousness to overcome that. Unfortunately, it sounds like your friend is lacking in both of those areas.
I hope that makes sense!
Total sense, and I think you might be right in your evaluation as well. I'm praying for reconcilliation, but until we can get to the specifics it is going to be difficult.
Unless your friend is unusually aware of her "family" dynamics, I would imagine she couldn't ever give you specific examples of racism.
You might have to have a conversation like, "How did my bringing over a tuna casserole last Sunday make you feel?" I thought I was being thoughtful since you were sick with a cold."
And she would reply, "Don't you know that you only bring tuna casseroles to people on Sundays when you secretly hate them?? All my people know that! You were supposed to bring fruit salad if you were wanting to convey friendship..."
Or something along those lines 
The next time someone accuses you of racism, ask them one question:
“Is Barack Obama racist?”
If they answer “no,” smile, nod your head, and back away slowly…then run and don’t look back.
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