The easiest way to deal with a woodchip-papered ceiling is to go up in the loft and stamp on it until it's all on the floor. Then load that lot into a skip and put up new boards. Then get your wife to tape-and-joint them (my wife is pretty good at this now that we've done two complete houses...).

Finally, apply the paint finish of your choice.

Total time elapsed, one day. If you don't hurry.

Oh, there might be a bit of hoovering required too.

That wouldn't work so well for a ceiling that isn't on the top floor, though, would it?

How comes you only get your wife to do one bit? Why not all of it?

Good questions both. It's nearly as easy for a downstairs room. Small crowbar instead of heavy boots. A bit more dirt in the hair.

As for the wife, I remember well the health visitor's expression when she called about a month before son No. 2 was born, and said wife was up a stepladder plastering a window reveal. (she's a dab hand with a trowel too).

Ah happy days.

Andrew, you're not married to Sarah Beeny, are you?

Is it just me, or are programs such as Beeny's more addictive than crack?

Not that I actually *do* any of the improvements I've seen on TV, as DIY would mean missing Location, Location, Location...

I was up till 4:30 this morning decorating and laying concrete. Same again tonight, probably. The room is going to be so good in a couple of days, though. Not that I'll be able to see it through my bloodshot eyes.

Have you been watching Colin & Justin's How Not To Decorate? It is by far the funniest home decoration program ever, and it's theme tune is the perfect bastard offspring of The Professionals, Starsky & Hutch, and CHiPs.

Property Ladder is addictive — but then stupidity always is.

"I make a very successful living doing this, and I am giving you free advice."

"I have never done this before, and must disagree with you at every turn, because anyone who doesn't share my taste in kitchen tiles must be thick."

Listen to her, you fools! Arrrrrgh!