my dad, may he rest in peace, used to confuse the wardrobe with the toilet when he awoke in the middle of the night and had enjoyed refreshments earlier.

So far, my worst crime is to knee Mrs Thingummy in the back when we're asleep. She smacks me in the face the next morning, so we're all even

My wife has a scary (for me anyway) tendency to knee me in the bollocks when asleep. Or at least she claims she was asleep...

A couple of years ago, I remember waking from a nasty nightmare to find that the entire bed had moved about a foot away from the wall. What creeped me out was, once awake the next morning I tried to move the bed in the same way (while remaining in it, as I assumed I had been during the nightmare) and I couldn't budge it from any position, not with my arms, or heaving myself up against the wall, whatever. How the hell did I do that?
Once when I was a child, I awoke in the dead of night, hearing the piano in the living room playing a random cacophony all by itself. Terrifying. My dad went downstairs and discovered the cat walking across the keyboard.

Delirium's always good for a laugh. Last time I had a fever, I became convinced that I would be instantly cured if I were to flip my body over quickly in exactly the right way. Cue a night of frankly insane tossing and turning and no sleep for my wife.

I'd tell you what she did when she was delirious a few years back, but then I'm afraid I'd have to kill you. Oh, hang on; no: she'd have to kill me.

I once managed to put my foot through a large window in order to get outside so that I could catch the last spaceship to leave planet Earth. Blood everywhere. Thankfully those days are behind me now. The idea I could kill myself in my sleep used to terrify me, sleepwalking moster that I was. Think it might be inherited from my mum.

Apparently, a couple of nights ago, Vic needed some sugar (she's diabetic) and asked me for some orange juice. We have orange juice in a small fridge in the bedroom for just such emergencies. I am told that I spent some time rummaging around in the cupboard where I keep my jeans, and was unable to find the orange juice. I have no recollection of this.

Didn't vandalise anything or get injured, though. Sorry about that.