Oh, please. I *play* a half dozen instruments with varying degrees of skill and no amount of shame.
How do you make a guitarist stop playing? Put sheet music in front of him...
What do you call someone who's tone deaf but loves music? A drummer...
A kid gets bass lessons from his father. The first week, he comes back and his father asks what he learned.
"I learned the notes on the first string: E, F, F#, G and G#"
The next week, his father asks again. "I learned the notes on the second string: A, B flat, B, C, C#."
The next week, yet again his father asks what he learned.
"I didn't learn nothin'. I got a gig next week..."
And, the real world one, which is not a joke, but a true story. I was in a band that was breaking up, and a few of us were thinking about staying together. We had lost half the band, so we placed an ad for a pianist, a drummer and a singer. Which allowed me to go to our rehearsal space, where a bunch of people had responded to our ad, and say my favorite line.
"OK, let's line up. Musicians over here, singers and drummers over there..."
What has seven arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an Umbrella?
For Drizzle.
What's Beethoven doing now? Decomposing.
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three: one to climb the ladder, one to kick it out from under her, and one to say "I knew that was too high for you, dear".
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
That is the first Philip Glass joke I've ever heard, and it made my day. Well played.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn song?
A: All of them, apparently.
"How do you know when there's a singer at your door?"
"You don't. They don't have the key and they never know when to come in."
(Told to me teasingly by a music teacher of mine. We found it uproariously funny. It was less amusing after the twenty minutes it took to unsuccessfully explain it to the non-musical members of the table.)
An actual conversation, many years ago:
Me: You know, Bach was Baroque
Other: I thought he had a lot of money
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