I'm wavering between laughter ("My wife rolls over into the position that probably got us all here in the first place") and horror at the thought of the falling, dropping baby ("Thud"), but all I can really say, besides wow, is that Wood fucking rocks.
Holy. Crap. I'm due in 3 months and all I can say is...Holy. Crap. You guys are a kick ass team, with two awesome sidekicks.
The blood, the poop, the fluid, the perineum, the nakedness? Fine, all fine. Even poetic at times.
Telling us exactly what position y'all were in when conceiving Gram? Jim, you are a twisted $#*&.
Wood, I definitely remember the sensative of feeling like I was ripping in half, and it was not pleasant. So glad you got through it alright in the end.
Thanks muchly for sharing this story. I love the way you guys write. It's fascinating. I'm due in June.
This should be required reading for all sexual active teenagers. I bet after reading this they would RUN not walk to their nearest drug store and buy the place out of condoms!
Hell, I'm 36 with one 7 year old you have sealed the deal. NO MORE KIDS!
Glad everything worked out. I really enjoy your blog. Ah, sometimes. 
Wow. You sure know how to tell a story. Glad everything turned out okay!
When you told us about the counting...that's why my job as a doula is easy. Laboring women KNOW what they need. Stray from that, and everybody hears about it.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with so many virtual strangers. I'm due in July with #4, and every birth is different, so I always love hearing others' stories. Even the gore.
I've gotta say, though, I'm glad my husband doesn't write on the internets, because I'm apparently a giant prude next to you, Wood. While there will be absolutely no mention of my blood/fluid/poo in any of the stories I tell, those would be his favorite parts of the story. I think you all are perfect for each other, and I love getting a glimpse of your life.
Congratulations and you have many of my props for ruling so hard.
-Beth in Indy
What a cool birth--I'm so glad the not breathing thing didn't last too long. Whew.
Oh, man...I remember that sensation, the feeling of being ripped asunder. Unfortunately, for me the pushing lasted for three hours.
What an amazing story. Now, let's hear what young master Gram is up to now.
Amazing story-telling. Beautiful babes....congrats from my SE Michigan family to yours.
P.S. Love your blog and photography. Keep up the amazing work.
hee hee, it probably wasn't more than an hour after pnuts birth that i asked about there being any poo (my husband still lies to me, wonderful man)- after watching my sister bring her kids into the world, i was horrified by the concept. funny how during the experience you just don't care (ha!i was going to say give a shit) about anything other than the baby coming out of you.
jim, i appreciate the fact that that noise is nearly indescribable- that whoosh of liquid and goo and baby is truly remarkable. in fact, it was when my ob and nurse suited up and laid down all that plastic and chucks and whatever that i knew it was really really close.i remember my husband saying over and over again- "oh my god, there is so much blood!" but you don't care as long as you're done with that part and your kid is ok.
thanks again for all of it.
What a fanstastic story. Thanks SO MUCH for sharing the both embarassing and beautiful.
Totally deserving of his own myth, that Gram and his brave warrior mother. Edith Hamilton herself couldn't have written it any better.
Laughing and crying over here. Great story, thanks Dutch.
Wow. Wood is a superhero.
And I am now beginning to understand why mothers are so good at guilting: from day one, they have great material ("I endured the sensation of my body ripping apart to bring you into this world, young man, the least you can do is unload the dishwasher.").
I think, if you gave a few hints, Juniper could make up a myth and tell it and then everyone could just "go along." Wink, nudge.
I can't help but feel that Wood is incredibly brave.
Beautifully written (by both of you).
And for some sick reason I have these lyrics playing over and over again now in my head..."tag team back again, check it, direct it and let's begin....whoop there it is".
Congratulations.
Vivid story. Beautifully written. Congratulations.
"And yet none of the gods or heroes entered the world as the direct result of self-inflicted diarrhea."
The whole story was hilarious and touching. But I've got something for you!
"The goddess Solmundae Halmang (Grandmother) is the creator of the islands, mountains, valleys, hills, and rivers on Cheju Island, Korea. Her diarrhea turned into mountains and her urine created the channel. She is the land itself, and her presence is marked over the entire Island."
So, not self-inflicted but I guess it puts your wife in league with one of the more powerful deities of Korean mythology. Not too shabby.
Great story, blood and all. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm just as amazed at the biology of it all as I am the miracle, and I'm definitely amazed by the two of you. Your family is a fantastic team.
*thwunk* I just died.
But before I went, I was totally clutching my crotch and thinking Wood is a goddamned superhero.
That was a lovely birth story. It made me tear up. Congratulations.
Wood is my hero. I have had two babies, both with epidurals. I was disappointed by both.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am due in two months, and while there is fear at going through this again, there is a lot of anticipation and exhilaration too. It sounds like overall this was a really great birth, and I'm glad things worked out so well for you guys, especially after what you went through trying to choose a care provider/hospital.
Shortly after the birth of my daughter, my husband asked me, "Did you see how much blood there was?" All I cared about was the end of the pain and my daughter in my arms. I think he was a little taken aback by that part, though ...
wow.
that's it. I'm out of words. You said them all better than I can.
amazing story and amazing lady.
this is why my husband was afraid he'd pass out
he told the midwife, who said "if you feel faint, SIT DOWN - I'm going to be busy with her and have no time for you"
which made me laugh, but thankfully he didn't clunk onto the floor
I think this is myth enough for Gram - being born in 6 minutes is about as heroic as it gets!
Awww. I love it when you guys write birth stories. I hope we have many more to read!
My own little Graham-o was born 5 1/2 months ago by c-section due to pre-eclampsia, and my husband wasn't allowed to attend, so I LOVE reading happy birth stories. I'm glad Gram figured out how to breathe and wow, Wood, you are awesome!
Strangely enough, such a story makes me remember my son's birth almost five months ago with fondness and nostalgia, but also with a healthy dose of relief that it is in the past. I think that feeling can only be understood by someone who has given birth.
What a beautiful story. Wood, you're a "hard-core international rock star" (my favorite compliment after giving birth, so I'll pass it in). Welcome to the world, Gram.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I hope to be in this situation by the end of the year, and reading this? I don't fear it. Not a bit.
I would like to shout out to Rachel's they're an awesome band. I think I listened to them as well before the birth of both of my sons. congratulations!
Holy shit, that was awesome. I feel like I need a drink or a cigarette or something after that. You guys are my heroes.
An amazing, real birth. That ripping apart that Wood screams about feels like a great metaphor for birth. Mama's are ripped apart by birth. Something that was physically attached to you, rips away and becomes it's own thing for the first time. The placenta, that temporary organ you built to nurture this growing being, dies, rips away and is expelled. The force of that pushing rips new openings to make way for that enormous head. The life you had up until now, is ripped apart, torn asunder. It can be rebuilt, but it will never be what it was before. And for every struggle of motherhood--for every engorged breast, sleepless night, spat food, temper tantrum, and teenage backtalk--you get to hold onto the knowledge that you were ripped apart, and you survived. Better than that: you attained. And you get to own that experience, no matter what other challenges life brings to you. That's the transformative power of birth. Congratulations to you both.
i think i might have to give up my ideas of a vbac and go for the scheduled c-section next time.
wowee.
congratulations - you all officially kick ass.
There is something so grounding about watching birth. "We still come into the world like goats or dogs or chimpanzees." Yes, blood, fluids and poop are all part of who we are. We then advance to breastmilk, pee and poop for a long time. I suspect that if more people were able to observe the births of their children (no, not scheduled c-sections in time to make the golf game) that there would be less scandal involved with seeing naked bodies and less shock at breastfeeding mothers or toddlers peeing at the sides of parking lots. Our bodies feel so real and so useful during birth!
damn, yolanda.
I'm happy for you guys, but dayum, I'm glad I've never (and will never) given birth. No matter that Wood seems to have blanked out the splitting in two parts. I know the baby is worth it all, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to read about it (I think!), but whoo-hee.
It's the freaking miracle of birth, that's for sure. Having had three c-sections, I am always in awe of what women who give birth naturally go through. Congratulations again!
Even though it was just a few parenthesis, and even though I knew how it would turn out, those sentences after the birth and before the breathing still stopped my heart. The blood and vulnerability and strength and all of it- it is epic, even in a semi-clinical room in Detroit in 2008 with an iPod and the remnants of Castor Oil.
WOW. I thought I was over the birth story-making-me-tear-up thing, usually when I see a pregnant woman I have violent upsetting flashbacks like a disturbed war veteran and have to look away. I mean I am SO over it. (3 kids in 22 months, 2 of those kids being 9lb-each twins, all 3 vaginal births) but I really enjoyed this. Even though I had two glorious epidurals and had a great experience and loved every minute of it (every anesthetized minute!) I enjoyed this story so much! Congrats!
Yeah. 11 minutes was my max and I was tapping out.
"I don't think you would even believe how close you are. He'll be out soon, and then all this is going to fade into nothing."
This is beautiful, Dutch.
xox
Rachel's is some moody music all right! Don't know if I could handle it during birth, but more power to Wood.
And my God, dilating and having the baby within an hour and a half is pretty damn intense. No wonder she felt like she was ripping in half.
You two rock, as always.
Wood, you rock.
"Only lasted about an hour and a half." Ha ha. Dutch, you are an amazing writer. Great point about dodging the poo.
I love birth stories.
This one is no exception.
Eek, ditto with maya! I had an emergency c-section the first time around (and a painfully complicated recovery) so I was considering vbac for the next time. Hmmm, now I dunno... particularly since hubby has actually fainted in the past when giving a blood sample. Bloody socks?? He'd pass out for sure!
Great stories, thanks for sharing ALL the details...I could've done without today's pic though 
Um, I've been sad that my husband and I can't conceive (bad sperms) but reading this makes me sort of relieved. yikes!
wow. Wood, I am in awe. You are one strong woman.
Those seconds when they aren't breathing, those horrible, wrenching seconds... well, let's just say I am so very very glad I won't be getting another chance for that to happen. Glad you had the happy ending, too.
Awesome. So incredibly well written (all three parts). After parts I and II and until about the midway point of Part III, I was feeling (for the first time) a twinge of regret that my two births were c-sections. But your description of the PAIN (and I am NOT the warrior that Wood is) silenced the tiny voice suggesting a third baby and a first vbac. So beautiful and incredible to see a couple do something that requires just so MUCH. Congratulations again.
What a great record this story is -- Crazy to think that Juniper and Gram will have these to look at when/if they start their own families in a couple dozen years.
Wow Wood. I had epiderals both times, but my second baby - my son was the same thing, i think i pushed three times and he was here. The OB was yelling for me not to push so fast, but there was no choice for me, our Cooper was coming NOW!
Birth stories are wonderful, especially ones as well told as yours.
great ending to a great story. i must ask though- does anyone know what comes after, "when you're slidin into second" in the diarrhea song?
when you're sliding into two, and you feel a little poo. . .
Wow. I love birthing stories (have you ever read Catherine Newman's where she said she made a noise like a didgeridoo for 12 hours and then barfed? Almost as funny/powerful/poignant as this one). I can't believe Wood's mom walked in right there. That slayed me. Wait...slew?
Wood, you're a star. It's amazing how you really took control this time and I know you must be proud of how strong you were. How incredible that you would want to rush something that would scare the crap out of me...pun not intended. It gives me hope.
Dutch, I'm pretty amazed by you too. I don't know a lot of husbands/dads who are so present, emotionally and physically for the birth of their children. I know for a fact that Simons won't be up 95% of what you wrote...sock goo, blood, umbilical cords, Goddammit, he probably doesn't even know what a perineum is, much less that it deserves massage. Anyway, nice work!
Hugs to all of your family!
Thanks as usual for sharing your lives with us awestruck onlookers.
You guys are a great team. And I think that's about the highest compliment to give to any parents. You seem to work well together and manage to have fun at the same time (Wood not so much in this particular example!). I'm in awe.
Wood rocks. Nuf said.
cronos vomited five immortal children: mildly analogous? he didn't know about the emetic, but, y'know. someone did.
"I really should have put a warning at the top of this post"
Uh, I think the bloody picture at the top served just fine as a warning.
"My wife rolls over into the position that probably got us all here in the first place."
Like so many others, this line cracked me up to no end. Thank you for sharing that well-written and inspiring story.
kimblahg: When you're sliding into second and your butt gets infected, diarrhea &tc.
good gravy, but women are megapowerful! that was one rollercoaster finale. congrats, again.
I love hearing other people's birth stories. This one straddles hilarity and sobering reality. A damn fine piece of writing. I laughed my head off reading about your mother-in-law's entrance. Priceless.
Okay, I very rarely curse like this, unless I'm driving or I think something is going very wrong very fast, but fuck, Wood is a fucking ROCK STAR.
Thank you for sharing this amazing birth story with us. You two are an awesome baby birthing team.
Aww cripes. It's seldom that I feel moved enough to hug strangers. (And could you post a video of Juniper singing the diarrhoea song? )
...and I too remember that ripping in half feeling. My thought at the time was that it was like a bomb going off in my pelvis in slow motion. But damn I loved my labours.
My epidural kept me from feeling that ripping apart thing. And I for one am thankful for that!
Jim, you have an amazing way of weaving eloquent, mystical, and gut-wrenchingly beautiful prose with the base, humble reality which is human life. Wanting Gram's birth to be much more "Dickensian" but realizing that in the end, it's all very bloody, gory, sticky, scary and just, human. The position which got you there in the first place and the lack of poo during the process (thanks to Castor oil!) are the hilarious spots in the story. You crack me up. If Gram and Juney ever read their stories, I'm sure there will be very LOUD fits of TMI! TMI! going on. Thanks for sharing it with all of us extended friends!
i really enjoyed this--especially the part about your MIL--but i have to say i liked juniper's birth story better. there was more emphasis on your reaction to her, and being parents, etc--and that's what i'm dying to know about the birth of gram! how does the birth of your second child compare to the birth of your first?
of course, maybe you didn't want to share this (or not yet), and that's ok, too. you've been more than generous in sharing your lives with your readership!
Wow, I don't think I'd be allowed to publish such a graphic account of either of our children's births, but your skill and humor in doing so has inspired me to record my memories now while I still have them.
Nice job, both of you!
Wonderful story - though I will admit that it takes away any desire I have to have a child - for a few minutes anyway.
I also thought you'd like to know that there is a blog devoted to the Diarrhea Song.
http://diarrheasong.blogspot.com/
May you and Juney have many fun afternoons to come.
OMG....funny, real, intense, gripping, adorable....this is your life people!!
you also just described my own mother to a T
jim, you got the sounds so perfectly...I too felt like I was ripping.....and I pushed for hours.
those fast ones can be incredibly intense.....wood, you are a birth GODDESS and amazing....
Congratulations again and thank you SO much for sharing this......
I'm very impressed with this story, don't get me wrong. Dutch/Jim, I'm also impressed with these new Polaroid shots. Would be interesting to see the Polaroid along a similar shot with your old/new camera. Amazing how much the equipment can change the whole feel.
Thanks for the good cry (and laugh - about mom walking in.) The miracle of birth always amazes me and overwhelms my emotions.
God bless you guys.
I'm due in July.
Oh this is so great. The birth story in three parts. These wonders never get old for me. Brings me right back to all three deliveries.
this is pretty hilarious.. brings back memories. especially the "ripping in half" part. and the blood on the floor. births are such fun. and your incorporation of the mythical births- brilliant! i never ended up trying the castor oil, thankfully. sick. i drank about a liter of bitter lemon (tonic), instead- and it must have worked, because my girl was born the next day, after just 13 minutes of pushing.
Y'all write the best birth stories. Like, I want you to have 50 more babies just so I can read 50 more birth stories.
Congratulations on the new one. May he be happy and healthy.
Wow! Truely amazing. My sister-in-law was due 5 days ago. Can't believe I've actually been through this myself. You write about it brilliantly.
Reads so much like the birth of my second child. We barely made it to the hospital though (I think some people are permanently scarred from what they observed on the walkway into L & D). I don't remember screaming, though my throat was so sore later I knew it must have been loud.
Baby also came out quickly and gurgling, with a busted blood vessel in her eye (another product of a quick exit). Like Gram, the gurgles subsided and the rest was, as they say, bliss.
I'm so glad you've shared this moment.
Dude my son is so obsessed with poo right now that I think he's probably smiling in his sleep knowing I'm singing the Diarrhea song in my head right now LOL!!! Thank you for that part.
Wood...congratulations on the courage you exhibited and strength of knowing yourself you have. I remember the intensity of my son crowning and how my yelp was a sound that scared me so much that I thought something bad had happened to my insides forever. And yet, it didn't last through the night. How is that possible right? To feel like you are ripped in half one minute and to be smiling an hour later? I'll tell ya how...W-O-M-A-N. Damn straight. You rock.
You are both so strong to have shared that whole story with us again with such brutal honesty and openness about yourselves that I feel humbled reading it. I'm so happy for your family.
By the way: here's my present for you:
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/
1...rchildking.html
Hi. And congratulations. I've been checking in on your blog every so often for the past few months, and it seems totally weird to read something so personal and not de-lurk to say congrats. Awesome birth story!
congratulations and huzzah! xoxo
I'm glad to see we're not the only ones with a f*$@*^ sick sense of humor and honesty. Congrats again.
Oh gosh, Wood. When I gave birth to my second son, I too went natural and screamed those EXACT words: I'm breaking in half, I'm ripping in half. I really believed I my body was splitting in two from my crotch up. That whole "imagine yourself opening up like a rose" crap...yeah, right. I was terrified the entire time I was pushing. But here it is, a year later, and I want to do it again -- its so wonderful to fall in love with a baby again.
Wow. This has been a great birth story. Great job Wood! You are a superwoman!
I remember the feeling of my body ripping in half - that is exactly what it felt like.
I also wavered between laughter and horror. I'm very glad Wood didn't rip in half.
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