Good for you Dutch. My husband made the same decision 2 1/2 years ago when our daughter was born. Now we have a 9 month old son too-and S spends his taking care of them while I bring home the bacon. We are fortunate enough to live in a community where there are a lot of SAHDs who chose to be SAHDs, and who are in it for the long haul.
If we could afford it, I would stay home with my daughter. Of course, I'm not a man. Since I make more than my husband, we have sometimes talked about him staying home. He'd be great at it and I know he would enjoyt it, but I think he's a little uncomfortable about what other men would think about him if he did.
I'm a lawyer with a federal agency, and luckily since my daughter was born, my boss lets me work 35 hours a week. It's pretty close to full time, but those extra five hours make a difference. I have rarely worked over 40 hours a week in the 4 years I've been with this agency. So there is a middle path. I don't make as much money as I would in a big firm, but I get paid pretty well all things considered.
If there was any way my husband could be a SAHD, he would so totally do it. He works because that's what you have to do to make money, but really he would love to be spending more time at home with us. That's part of the reason why he's planning to retire at 40. In the mean time he enjoys what time he has with the kids by playing with them and taking them out to spend some "special" time with him.
Women get crap for staying home too, trust me. After Stella was born, everyone's question was, "when are you going back to work?" When I answered I was staying home with her, they'd ask, "oh, for how long?" Like if I didn't want to go back to work ASAP, what was wrong with me. When I answered that I wanted to stay home at least until my child and all my future children are in school (10 years if we follow the plan to have 3 kids), they're shocked. I don't even have the nerve to tell them that ideally I'd never have another day job, just continue to do theatre. People's identity is so wrapped up in their careers, they don't understand those of us who work to live, not live to work (my husband has the same philosophy, he'd quit his job in a heartbeat if he could).
I have little doubt that women get similar treatment, Julie. This is not about "men having it tougher" or anything like that. This is just about my own experience talking about my choice with other men.
i loved this post-- i am so happy for you that staying home with your daughter is available to your family!
I vividly remember the day my husband quit his office job to take on his new job caring for our daughter.
It was one of the best days of our collective lives.
Great post, Dutch.
I give people the finger, mentally, whenever those condescending questions arise. They're really just opportunities to pass judgment in the form of a question. Don't let anyone else define your happiness or success for you. Congrats on finding something that works for your family and enables one of you to be home with your daughter.
Women do get that crap, too, but not as much as I imagine the men do. I'm so glad you are out of that toxic environment, Dutch. No one should work the day after their baby is born. Regardless of gender.
I think the reactions you get are really jealousy for the life you've chosen that they wish they could have.
Michael Keaton was awesome in that movie.
Wow. When I read about the working environment you left, all I can think is that you DEFINITELY made the right decision. How wonderful to be making such precious memories with your daughter now. And anyone who thinks caring for a toddler is not a full-time job is totally crazy! I applaud your choice. 
Happy Valentine's Day to you and your family.
first, i find the presuppositions surrounding being a SAHM just as challenging- most times, when I tell people that i stay home with pnut the next question is, oh, but do you work? as if this isn't working (and as if school isn't work). the worst judgement for me comes from women my parents age- as if i am letting them down after they fought so hard to get me the choice to work outside the home if i wanted to- they are disappointed that i chose to SAH. and unfortunately we live in a part of the country where most couples have to work to support their families, and the assumption is that if the woman can stay home they are usually wealthy enough to have a nanny, housekeeper, etc. to take care of the domestic "chores" of having a family. so people like to figure that i just sit on my ass all day doing nothing, living the dream. well, i am living the dream, but not that one. and don't get me started on how academia treats women with children.
second, pnuts daddy would give his left one to stay home and be a part of her daily life. he cherishes the days he gets to spend with her and is really good at parts of parenting and domestic stuff that i suck at. we are working really hard to try and find a happy medium for both of us to work part time at home and out of the home so she gets the best of both of us. i understand what you mean about the questions of having baby #2 affecting this (b-i-g-t-i-m-e!). it will be tricky but we are committed to doing it for ourselves, other people and their opinions be damned.
finally- our families lawyer is a WAHD to five kids- his wife is also a lawyer (corporate) and he runs his practice out of his home now- he used to have his own office nearby and i can remember years ago going there w/ my uncle and seeing a baby in a playpen, etc. which at the time was crazy. now, as a mom i have so much respect for their family that they didn't compromise on what they believed was right for them- even if it means he can only set up meetings when the kids are at school or bring a few of them along if he stops by the house.
it will take a while for the family/work dynamic to change fully enough for many different types of situations to be embraced as "normal", but just join us in considering yourselves as pioneers. sorry this comment was so all over the place, it really struck a nerve but i had to come back to it 4 times- apparently the nanny and housekeeper took the day off. sigh.
The reactions you get are probably rooted in deep-seated jealousy.
I was in the same boat as you - an associate at a big firm, watching senior associates working their lives away trying to make partner, watching young partners working their lives away because they don't know any other way, watching senior partners hang on well into retirement age because they have nothing else. When we conceived, I started looking for something better. I'm working in-house now, and it's a completely different life. I go home at 5 (noon on Fridays). I don't work weekends. I have time for my son.
I would have gone whole hog, like you, if I could, but my wife very selfishly chose a career she loves rather than a career that pays well. The nerve.
I hear you on that one. The reason I had to work at the firm in the first place is because Wood refused to work for anyone except needy orphans. Darn those orphans!
I think the best thing about what you're doing is that you are doing things on your own terms. It's so hard to balance parenting and work, and you've found a way to make it work for you, Wood, AND Juniper. Both my husband and I work outside the home in professional fields. I think that if we could work it out, both of us would like to stay home for periods of time. As much as I love our country, the work culture here is not parent-friendly. It's so difficult to make it work -- and we shouldn't have to explain the reasons behind our choices.
i just read the other comments, and i certainly didn't mean to minimize your experience, dutch, was just pointing out (as many other women here also seem to have) that instead of society embracing parenthood as a worthy and worthwhile vocation/occupation, allowing men equal access to it and supporting them for it, we seem to be moving in the opposite direction, not allowing *anyone*, male or female, to be complete people when they choose the role of being full-time parents, for any length of time. it's as if women are tuning into men in the sense of defining themselves and each other by their career rather than their whole person. what is interesting is that i meet more and more men who are open to the idea of men being the SAHD- so perhaps women need to get through this phase before full equality between those who work outside the home, inside the home, and parent for any part of the day will exist. either way, i appreciated your post and drawing attention to the tension that still exists.
Don't go back dude.
That's great! Who wouldn't want to stay home with their child instead of working for the "man"? It's good for your daughter to have you there every day. Enjoy it, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it (they're probably just jealous anyway). :o)
I really enjoyed reading this post. My husband and I don't have children, but I recently made the decision to quit my "day job" and start a small paper goods company. It was BY FAR the best decision I've ever made in my life, and at 32 I can't imagine ever setting foot in a regular 9-5 ever again. While I still work a lot of hours, my time is infinitely richer for being home. Working late is much nicer when my husband is heckling me from the couch.
You might be interested in reading a book called "Free Agent Nation" by Dan Pink. It deals mostly with the ins and outs of working for yourself/from home, but it also touches extensively on WHY people are making the decisions to leave their jobs, and also how this is influencing corporate America. Quite an interesting read!
P.S. I was born in Pontiac, and spent the first 8 years of my life in Union Lake, just outside of Detroit. I wish I could remember more of the city, but I suspect my parents didn't take me there too often from 1974 - 1982. Heh.
My wife will on occasion say something like, "Well, don't worry, you can go back to work in a few years." Eeek! I don't want to. I want to bake cupcakes for class, lead field trips, prepare after-school snacks and coach softball or swimming or mumbly-peg -- whatever sport my daughter may or may not take to. I love being home with her, and I can see myself doing it for an unknown number of years to come.
My father was gen counsel for a big company. He dropped dead on the job on his 20th anniversary. He had a brain tumor removed the month prior and didn't rest because he "just had to get back to work." He was 56.
You don't win any prizes and you never get that time back. For anyone else reading this I can vouch for the fact that Dutch truly enjoys Juniper and is a great Dad. He is patient, encouraging and is exposing her to information and experiences many children never have. You have all made some hard but very beneficial and rewarding decisions.
My husband is a theatre artist and in the midst of leaving the company he founded 10 years ago. We've been talking a lot about what our options are (my mat leave runs out in a month) and nothing makes him happier than thinking about being a SAHD. Trouble is, I don't want to give up being a SAHM. We both want to stay at home with our son and write. I hope we can make it work, but I've also started looking for work and we've decided that I'll only go back if it's a job that inspires me. (Think: the arts equivalent of needy orphans.) It's going to be tight financially, but I think it's going to make us happier people which will make us a stronger family.
Although I can't comment on what seems to me to be terribly judgmental attitudes that you seem to be receiving re: assuming your choices are temporary or out of necessity, I can understand the need to get the hell OUT of that type of life.
Both my husband and I have left firm life (granted these were probably not firms which were anywhere near as demanding as yours seemed to be). We didn't leave for our kids (we don't have any yet) but we left because we didn't like the life, the social construct and the culture that seemed to be forced upon us. We didn't like working in a profession that seems to be constantly justifying it's pecker wars. It just wasn't us. We make less money now, we've certainly alienated some of our friends...but we've never been happier. The longer we remain "out of the loop" the less sense we it makes to ever go back.
We're both still maintaining practicing status, but we're using our knowledge in a different (and we think) much more satisfying way. Here's to doing it on your own terms.
Happy Valentine's Day Juniper Family
I think if you can disassociate yourself from "the Joneses" and just live your life for yourself (something you seem to have no problem with) you'll be fine. The only time I feel uncomfortable about our choices is when I am around people for whom money is an important value (or when I read "Apartment Therapy:Nursery" and they're pushing the extremely well-designed $63 set of plastic plates, YEE-IKES).
You know the type: drive SUVs, tell you which upscale store they purchased all their stuff, act as if it's a sin to purchase toys or clothing used. If you can reject that, and it's hard as we become a more and more consumer-driven culture, you become so much more free to align your life with your values. I feel bad sometimes because Maggie's not dressed in Baby Gap and Gymboree and doesn't have every toy known to humanity (and some of the kids she mixes with do), but I do believe that what's going to matter to her most was that we were there for her growing up. I hope I'm not raising the kind of kid who will resent me terribly for buying her clothes at TJ Maxx but making sure there's a loving adult at home to hear about her day when she comes home from school.
I work from home, my husband works in a job with huge amounts of time off, so we can do things like go on their little field trips at school or knock off early and go to the DIA. We're both in low paid fields so it's not like we were ever going to be wealthy, but if we both worked full time we'd have lots more wiggle room.
As far as who stays home, we could make about the same amount of money at FT jobs; his tends to have better benefits and mine can easily be done from home on a freelance basis while his can't, so that's how we decided.
(Despite your well-founded jabs at the Kulick Center, there seems to be a goodly amount of dads there. It seems like every time we go we run into one or both of the two we know that frequent the place. It's one of the things I like about it, dads aren't treated like foxes in the henhouse).
Delurking to say thanks for writing about this. I am expecting my first child in July and have been struggling with the decision to become a stay at home mom. It shouldn't be a difficult choice. I DO NOT love my job, and we don't need the extra money. But I'm worried about the stigma and the isolation. On the other hand, fear that people will ask what I do and then recoil when I say I'm a SAHM seems like a stupid reason to send my newborn to day care for 9 to 10 hours a day.
What does Wood say about this (if, of course, she wants to answer)? Why did she choose to work and how does it affect her (she's talked about it a bit, but in the context of SAHD v. SAHM). I am the worker bee in my family, but my husband and I have a deal that I'll work now because I make more and once he's done with school he gets the big bucks while I become a lady of leisure (if, of course, I can stand it). Oh, all the parenthetical asides (I do that a lot, you know).
Good for you Dutch. I think that it's so important for there to be balance in parenting. Both you and Wood seem to have found that balance and it gives the rest of us hope! My husband envies you. Truly.
My father stayed at home with me and my brother for a few years and he also watched some neighborhood kids after-school-- and this was about 20 years ago so believe me, he got the Mr. Mom comments. I think he might have taught classes at night- I'm not sure how they worked it out and I don't really want to know the logical adult decisions behind it- I prefer to keep the childhood memories- but I know that it was the best thing. His career did get off-track but we all had dinner together every single night (which I was none to happy about during my teen years!) and there was never any doubt that family was the most important. I am far from having children myself and can't really wrap my head around it but I'm already starting to figure out ways that I could tempt my father to come and watch my own children.
Now that you guys have left the expensive city of San Francisco, maybe you both could afford to work for needy orphans if you wanted to.
I spent my whole pregnancy thinking that I wanted to be a SAHM. Then I got a new job while on maternity leave and realized that I just hated my old job!
It sounds like you genuinely enjoy being with Juniper all day, every day. But you might feel like you didn't have to make such an all-or-nothing choice if you worked someplace where people routinely put family first and spent plenty of time with their spouses and children.
If you do decide to go back to work, I hope you find something that keeps you happy. You're clearly incredibly happy now, and that's the most important thing for you AND Juniper. Maybe the old guy with the car and your dad just don't realize how happy you both are, or maybe they came from a generation when people had to subvert their own happiness to do what was best for the family or do what society expected of them.
people mock what they don't understand.
It was a smart choice to get out of that ratrace - I'm going to be faced with that decision soon enough (I'm still in law school). I've concluded that I don't want to work for a large firm - what good is a six-figure salary if you're working 80+ hours per week. I'll take the pay cut to work at a smaller firm where they actually have some respect for your personal life.
I try to feel enlightened by the idea that men can stay at home. I really do. But I cannot help but feel that if a man can work at his profession, he should. I apologize for my closed mindedness. I know this is a special experience for your family, but I still feel the same way your dad does. When I meet a father who says he stays at home I feel like there is something off about him. It embarrasses me, and I can't think of a geniune response, so I always say, "that's great." What I really think is, what is the matter with him? And why does his wife carry the financial burden? Sorry.
oh, and one more thing. I think it's odd that you say when you "return to work". Isn't staying at home work? If not, I'm in.
I know I'll be the odd man out by not showing you support, but face it, you'll get lots of it from people smarter and more politically correct than me. But I read you because i like you as a person, and our taste in music and ur unique photojournalism appeals to me.
But hell, I have to disagree with you on this point, man. Sorry.
My husband is a full-time SAHD to our 10 month old girl. He adores the job, and invariably gets the "You're so lucky that you can do that" response from other dads. This reaction completely surprised me, considering we live in Louisiana - not exactly a hotbed of SAHDs. However, Jason often gets the feeling that other dads think that he gets off "easy" with this job - that staying at home, caring for a baby and house is easy compared to working in the real world. This is completely insulting, and I always think of those guys' unappreciated wives.
The only other time he has issues with the situation is at the playground with the SAHMs. They aren't too keen on letting a burly man into their mom's club.
I think its wonderful that you and Wood have the opportunity for one of you to stay home. No matter which one it is.
sam, thank you for your honesty. I think what you're saying is very true. I think that underneath what most men say to me is that question: "what is wrong with this guy?"
Fortunately for me, I stopped molding my life to prevent people from thinking, "what's wrong with this guy?" a long, long time ago.
By most people's accounts, I have a great many things wrong with me. Luckily I found a woman who was able to see what is right about me.
And Wendy, I also get the feeling that behind so many of the "positive" "you're so lucky" comments is the belief that I don't have to do any "work." But you can always tell when a man truly wishes he could spend more time with his kids. It is fucking heartbreaking.
Oh god, the 13-year-old son of Little Rich Man From Cincinnati is going to be so messed up. Poor kid.
Nice man, I'm glad I checked back. No matter what you're doing, you three are lucky to have eachother.
I think your choice is amazing, and it works for you and your family. That's all that matters. And once again I think about how lucky Juniper is to have a dad that is so crazy about her and involved in her life.
Hi Dutch!
I'm delurking to say thank you for performing to an audience. Your focus on what's important is infectious.
Hi Dutch, haven't left a comment in awhile but I've been reading! Today I just wanted to say that it's true, about it being difficult to get "back on track" after staying home with kids. That is not only because the people in the firm think you're wacky & somehow out of touch -- but because you think *they're* wacky and out of touch. That is, it's not just them excluding you but also your inability to fathom living such a life again.
And that's OK, I think. I made that choice myself... Lots of ways to live in this world, right?
As for the discomfort with a person staying home, I think that's because it doesn't pay, plain and simple. People would make similar comments if you quit lawyering in favor of, say, becoming an artist or a wilderness guide or a garbage collector. Because the salary goes down people assume you were stuck with that choice, that you would not have made it voluntarily.
Apologies if this was already said, I didn't read all the comments!
If I ever feel sheepish about my choice to be a SAHM (and don't most stay at home parents have these moments?), I am reminded of the support of my husband, who knows first hand how demanding this job can be. We took turns staying at home during our son's first year. All parents should have this opportunity. Not only for the parent-child relationship, but for the benefit of their marriage/partnership. I feel that we are truly co-parents.
I'm guessing that Wood supports you 100%, which makes you care even less what "little rich man" thinks.
I think many people are just so conflicted and insecure about their own decisions, they try to justify those decisions by coming down on people who do something different. This happens with EVERYTHING having to do with parenting, an arena in which insecurity and inner conflict are rampant. Oprah had a show recently (yes, I watch Oprah) about working/SAH mothers and what was most shocking was the venom they had for each other. As a working mother I was cringing at some of the self-righteous things the working mothers were saying.
People need to back the fuck off and let other people make their own decisions. Worry about yourselves and your own kid, and do the best you can, and shut up about what other people have decided to do. Says me.
Life is always evolving. Stay home now, be a lawyer, or be something else eventually. One thing I have figured out (I think) is that whatever you choose doesn't have to be forever and ever! I worked the big corporate art director gig for the first year of my twin's lives, then stayed home and built a business until they were 8 years old, and when I was climbing the walls working at home while they were at school all day, I opened a store downtown. It all depends on what works for you at the time -- that's the beauty of it, I say anyway. It's like silly putt -- bend it, shape it, squish it -- whatever works.
I think the key is to quit worrying about what other people think (and that's the hardest part)
I really appreciated this post. My husband is doing the same thing...staying home with our 7 month old daughter while I go to grad school and teach. He loves it. But his parents are weird about it...telling people that he's "working from home" or out and out lying that he's a freelancer. What's so shameful about telling people your son made the decision to stay at home to take care of your granddaughter? I personally think that's pretty great. And it's hard work, too...takes "balls" if that's the concern.
Anyway. Thanks, Dutch.
Good for you that you get to see her so much while she's still so little; I agree with you that most men don't let themselves even think about crossing the imaginary estrogen line. Too bad for them.
It's much more socially acceptable, but I'm still eternally grateful to my husband for working his ass off so I can raise our daughter instead.
having made a choice myself to work in a job that pays far less than many of my classmates from b-school -- and given up a work-100-hours-a-week job, as well -- because of my family choices, I both relate to and admire what you and Wood are doing. my husband's spending most of his time at home (with me, as I work from home, but in a role as chief child-minder and laundry-doer) I've noticed that the reaction to both our roles depends very much on the environment. I've self-selected into a group of friends, on- and off-line, who have made many non-traditional choices and, often times, given up riches in their bank account for rich lives. we live in a city (portland, ore.) where stay-at-home dads, telecommuters and freelancers abound. when we're not in that rarefied space, there's a lot of judgment: of me for not making mid-six-figures, of Jonathan for folding clothes and taking the kids to the park.
even though I *did* love what I did on Wall Street, my love for my current job is so much more multi-faceted and complete, as I never feel I'm cheating my creative or maternal aspects for "the man," or even for the achievement of societal norms. we've given up our car and our credit cards, we make do with our garage-sale furniture, I find my hippest clothes at the goodwill *outlet*, we'll always send the kids to public schools.
anyway, the life of a young attorney at a big firm is not something i'd wish on anyone. i admire the legal profession (heck, some of my best friends are lawyers 
, but it's just not a life with much living in it. if it were up to me to judge, I'd say you were right where you should be.
It seems like in the United States there is stygma no matter what you do. You stay at home? There must be something wrong with you. You work? There must be something wrong with you. You say the word "fart" in front of your child? You must be seriously fucked up.
I think it would irk me if I still lived in that, no matter how I tried to live my life according to my rules. But then it's easy to say, "Why do people even care so much?" and then catch yourself passing judgment on the way they do things.
It's such an amazing thing to have either of the parents stay at home with their child as long as they can. It has to be the most amazing thing in the world to be a part of their lives until....time for school! Then sadly, it's over.
I find, as a stay at home mom I even get glaring responses from other women who feel as if I think I'm better than them for staying at home longer than they did with their children. I just consider myself lucky. Living just at the line of "getting by" is worth every minute. It's just too bad that my husband doesn't get to experience it as I do. I know he wishes he could.
Man, does that description ever make me happy not to be headed to a law firm. Needy orphans, here I come!
I think Jennifer hit the nail on the head with her comment - you're pretty much fucked no matter what you do. There will always be someone (or large groups of someones) who don't approve of some choice you have made (or every choice you make, one could argue). You stay home with your child? Is that ALL? When are you going back to work? You don't stay home with your child? You selfish bitch! It's crazy.
I was a very driven product manager at a high tech company, working my way toward a MISERABLE EXISTENCE as a director, where I'd work 80 hours a week and never see my family. Before having a child, I couldn't see how miserable that would be. I had too much of my self esteem wrapped up in the work world and my place in it. It took me about 2 years to get through that, as well as getting through this achievement-oriented focus on being the "perfect mother." And one day, after staunchly defending some choice I made, a lightbulb came on for me. There's no such thing as a perfect parent, and the most important element of parenting by far is being PRESENT and LOVING and CONSISTENT to our children. and the only people affected by our choices are us. We answer to ourselves, not to the society at large. Not to the Attachment Parenting people. Not to the previous generation of structured/rules-oriented parents. Not to our friends, family, or coworkers. I don't give a flying fuck anymore what people think of me, my choices, my intelligence. And it's pretty clear you're in about the same spot. People love you, Dutch and Wood, for the interesting, loving, hilarious, genuine people that you are, not because you fit neatly in their portfolio of rich and "successful" people. Thanks for saying something I've felt for AGES.
Good for you! Enjoy that precious girl.
My husband just made a big change in regards to work. He took a job in an ER working 3 days on, 6 days off. We are jazzed as all get out, as it will open up tons of time for us to be together as a family...quality time that is not just a couple of chaotic hours in the evening after everyone gets home from work and school.
We jumped off that crazy merry-go-gound of stress and conforming to societies idea of success.
We look at our children and the rest blurs.
Like Trasi above (and you!), I have gone through the same type of epiphany with regards to work. I am not a man, so many of the issues you face are perhaps different for me. But then again, maybe not. In our world today, the lines between men and women's roles seem so blurred. Often times women are just as agressive, driven etc. as men are so I think that, interestingly enough, the choice of leaving a lucrative and successful career can be equally upsetting for a woman as it is for a man. When I say upsetting, I mostly mean that it can cause huge internal and/or external upheaval for that person and his/her family/friends.
A few years ago, I also got fed up with the corporate world that brought me financial and professional success. Riding that success train was pretty exhilirating when I was 24, but it got to be so limiting and stifling by the time I was 30, that going to work would make me feel like I was having a heart attack. Not that I've had one, but I would think that the constant feeling of breathlessness would be a general symptom of a heart-attack. I would want to cry and scream and yell because I was SO unhappy. It took me 8 years of busting my ass and being miserable, but I finally quit my job 2 years ago. My friends and family (not my husband who was hugely supportive) were somewhat aghast at my decision. Some friends of mine who are just in the middle of their careers, pushing ahead, trying to become "someone", would ask me what I did all day now that I was unemployed. In any case, I didn't care any more what my fellow urbanites thought of my seemingly sudden change in plans. I enrolled in grad school to become a teacher (yeah, I know kind of a typical story maybe), then got pregnant with our first baby. Now I'm at home with our baby who's 5 months old, going to school, taking care of the house and lovingit. Oh yeah, and everyone who says that staying at home is harder than going to work is right on target. Raising our girl has been amazing and rewarding in a million different ways, but boy am I totally exhausted??
Will I go back to work again? Probably. But I won't ever compromise myself for work. Life is just too short to compromise yourself. I was not raised in this country so I think that maybe it gives me a bit of a different perspective about life and work balance. But my husband agrees with me in that it is worth making career changes/ adjustmens in order to have a better quality of life. He tells me that he would love to stay at home, but that he is happy that I get this chance (and he's happy to work so that I can do this). I actually wonder sometimes if he would be a better parent to stay at home, but I'm keeping my thoughts to myself because I am not ready to give up my life as it is right now.
So, kudos to you for doing what you're doing. IN some ways the path you've chosen is the easier one than what you were following before. You are now true to yourself. In other ways, it is harder because this world (this country) is not ready to accept your perspective on life just yet. But so what?..you just have more interesting stories to tell than some rich little Cincinatti wanker.
My husband would love to be the primary caregiver, but I'm a teacher (currently staying home with our 8 month old). We toyed with the idea of my going back to high tech consulting so he could stay home, but I left that business for teaching for a reason (and it obviously wasn't the pay raise). So he does the primary breadwinner thing, though I would be happy to do that, myself. I love the idea of taking turns in this role. He would be much better/happier at these early months than I am, and I would be much better/happier at the older activity-related stuff when she's doing more than rapidly building her brain and learning to function. But alas, job security and insurance and all that crap just isn't flexible enough for most people to take turns.
But anyway, yeah. There are lots of men (and women) who truly would love to be doing what you are doing.
And for what it's worth, sam, I say "when I go back to work" too... semantic play is kind of irrelevant to the discussion. Of course it's work being home, but our culture uses work = employment.
Great post, Dutch. And let me point out that the end of "Mr. Mom" involves not only Michael Keaton winning his auto industry job back, but Terri Garr negotiating a part-time schedule at the ad agency so she can continue her career *and* spend time with the kids. Win-win, in a very 80's sort of way...
I've been a stay at home dad now for three years. I take care of our three year old daughter and 18 month old son.
It took me a long time to be comfortable with telling people what I do, but now I have no prolem with it. However, it still gets my goat when people answer, "Wow, that's great!" with the underlying sense that I must be a deadbeat, unemployed, Nancy boy that has the lazy good-life. In addition to that, I've heard far too many times that "taking care of children is just not a man's job". My first instinct is to always do a Bruce Lee leg sweep, rip out their larynx and show it to them, but c'mon, I've got kids with me!
I'll be honest, I'm the first to say "Hooray for Saturday!" at our house to get a little daddy time, because being clocked in at 100%, 24 hours a day will take it out of anyone, I don't care what gender you are.
I'm not a lawyer (it seems everyone's blog I read about parenting is/was) and I have no idea what my place will be when or if I return to the job market, but that was part of our family's decision process of me being a stay at home parent. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Right now, being here for all the things I've seen in this short time of raising my kids on a daily basis, both good and bad, is worth more than any salary I could be making.
Cheers Dutch!
It has been great to read these comments, even the guy who thinks there must be something wrong with SAHDs. Luckily, most SAHDs would take that as a compliment.
My husband has been doing it for the entire life of our 2 1/2 year old boy. He also works the bare mimimum 20 hrs/wk at Starbucks for health benefits since I am self employed. Baby-having health insurance and family policies outside of a corporation are not worth the money you pay, which is obscene. I figure his hours there are worth about $15-20,000 a year plus the cost of having a baby, about another $20,000.
In the beginning, his parents kept asking when he would go into the management training program for Starbucks. Missing the entire point, if he works full time at 10 bucks an hour (or so, I don't really know the hourly rate, but it's close to that), do we pay more for daycare or do I forgo my much more lucrative career? And, his JOB is taking care of our son and our home. His grandmother calls it woman's work. I think they were embarrassed rather than proud of raising a son who was capable and had the balls to raise a child. They stopped asking, now that he's proven himself.
I am proud of my parents' response, which is that they are impressed that he can be with our son most of the time and then turn it on for his regulars at the store.
He's got two hard jobs that never get enough credit. And he's happy and smiley and takes great care of me.
Now that's a man.
If I too had any interest in representing anyone other than those that so few others have any interest in (foster kids and dually diagnosed homeless people), my husband would stay home with our two boys in a heartbeat. I know that some days it breaks his heart to leave. Some days he comes home early just because he so desperately wants to see the kids.
We are lucky. My husband is a partner at a large law firm that is quite family friendly. They are unique. How unique? They offer partnership to part-time female attorneys. One of the most well known partners is a gay rights activist (just appointed to a judgeship). Pro bono work is encouraged and rewarded. It is ok for my husband to be a partner and not work 80 hours per week. He comes and goes freely, without hassle. He makes less in bonuses but that is ok. It is our choice and one that does not threaten his job. He is so involved with his kids and we are still financially comfortable (by no means wealthy). This scenario is not the norm for law firms.
When my husband married me, he jokingly deemed me his lifetime pro bono project (student loans and all). I am free to do whatever work I find rewarding. Right now that is being a SAHM. I get crap for it (MSW, law degree - why did I spend so much time in school just to stay home?). The truth is I probably won't go back to paid work for quite some time. It is more likely that once my youngest starts pre-school (2 years from now) I will begin my career as a "professional volunteer" (law or otherwise). I can stay involved without having to commit to a certain number of hours and take off when I need to.
I know I don't need to say this to you but I will anyway - you will never regret this decision. And Juniper will remember it.
My husband was just home for the past 6 months on unemployment (he got laid off and figured, what the hell, I'll get my photography business going more while I can stay home and get paid for it), and he loved it - we all loved it. I think he's a better stay at home parent than I am in some ways, because he's more patient. I need to leave and go to work, even though at the same time I hate to leave and go to work. If I didn't have that outlet, I think I'd go crazy. I love that we live in a world where being a SAHD is becoming more and more accepted. I wish I made enough that my husband could stay home all the time.
Melanie- someone earlier asked how Wood feels about this whole thing.
You wrote, "I need to leave and go to work, even though at the same time I hate to leave and go to work. If I didn't have that outlet, I think I'd go crazy."
I'm pretty sure that's how she feels too. If she hadn't been in an exhausting trial all week, I'm sure she would have said so.
Regarding the sentiment that w/o the work-outside-the-home outlet, Wood/Melanie/many others might go crazy...
I'm pretty sure I speak for the majority of stay-at-home parents of both genders when I say that at times we all DO go crazy. After a long day of laundry, dishes, setting up finger paints/crayons/play-doh, cleaning up after those things, washing filthy car seats, handling 4 tantrums in a row about what appears to be insignificant issues, fixing broken things, endless sorting/putting away of toys... and then my husband has to work late or is out of town...it does feel like I'm standing on the cliff of crazy, looking over, wondering if I should jump or if something's going to push me right over. Of course not every day is that way, but there are always moments when you feel like you're just drowning in a sea of unmet needs - your own as well as everyone else's (not to mention the house...) It would be ideal if we could all work about 25 hours a week, trading off that time spent with the child(ren) with the other spouse half the time, spending the remainder together... but that's not the reality of it.
Ah, see Dutch, I knew you would get all the support you needed and I wouuld be gutted, rightly so. I can take it, and after some reflection I realize that I feel this way because I get to do what I love, and still come home to a happy home where my wife rules the bloody hellions. I build boats, and it affords me satisfaction and a healthy bit of frustration. At night for a while while the children were very small I also tended bar, and my wife struggled with the children and the house for long hours alone. So, I guess if there were an easier way of doing it, I still wouldn't have done it, but I can see how this arrangement is better for your family than the position you were in before. Hell, if this is what you love and find satisfaction in, who am I to judge. If you ever come to Maine, I'll take you all out for a fine sail.
Not quite the same situation, but I could relate to so many things you said. When we made the decision to homeschool our kids (no, not b/c we are religious or militia-minded or germ freaks) we got the same shit. As people were asking us why our kids weren't in school, they would smile and give us the pc answer: "Oh, that's nice - you're lucky." We knew they were full of shit and as soon as they walked away they were calling us freaks, but you get a thick skin after awhile.
You learn that it really doesn't matter what the rest of the world is doing. You do what works for your family and what feels 'right' and everyone else can jump off the bridge.
My husband has the 'golden handcuffs' on right now and I run an organic vegetable/flower farm. He wants to be home with us and have us work together so badly that we are currently brainstorming how he can quit and how we can make a living farming.
The people that are commenting and saying "they are just jealous" are right. When people are truly honest with us, they admit that's why we make them uncomfortable with our decisions - we make them question their decisions and they are envious of how close our family is.
I think there isn't a more honorable job for a dad (or mom) than to stay home - and the benefit Juniper is getting is worth more than any amount of $$.
I admire you and Wood for your decisions and don't listen to the naysayers - it's their issues, not yours.
Think of yourself as a pioneer on this much uncharted ground. This trend of being a SAHD will only grow over the years. Ever think of writing a how-to book/guide to being a SAHD? I'm sure it'll be a hit, especially with your honesty, insecurities, and raw emotion.
Just tell the people who ask what you do that you're a lawyer on sabbatical. I know you really don't need to explain yourself, but until this society comes to true acceptance, it might make an awkward situation less uncomfortable for everyone and you can go about with your adventures without the dread of seeing people.
For a while, as my life got less interesting, people became much more interested in talking to me. To start with I was a physics student. Mentioning this pretty much killed conversations stone dead. Which is odd really, because I got to carry around frothing buckets of liquid nitrogen while cackling evilly. Every day brought new and crazy ideas. It was fun and occasionally radioactive. Then I was a computer programmer with a life assurance company. This involved sitting at a computer all day and sometimes going to meetings. Suddenly people wanted to talk to me at parties - maybe I could fix their Windows 'thingy' for them. I had attention. This, however, was only mere preparation for being an aspiring writer. Once I spent all day sitting at my computer without going anywhere, producing very much or getting paid, well they were queuing up to hear all about it. Go figure.
Now I say that I'm a housedad I can get all three reactions at the same time from the same person. There's the initial fear and shock like they've accidently spoken to a physicist. Except it's still OK to treat physicists like oddball lepers but as a housedad I have political correctness on my side. They can't ask me where my apron is or claim I'm an affront to nature. Instead they almost always go with pointing out how common housedads are these days since they've heard of another one. I usually humour them unless I'm having a really bad day. Then the worry-lines doing a little dance on their forehead ease as they realise I can talk to them about children. I have children, they've met children, maybe I can fix the children. Finally a glimmer of awe and wonder settles upon them. Women ponder subjecting their men to domestic slavery so they can sit around in an office drinking coffee; men consider sending their women out to the mine while they lock the kids in a cupboard and play the PlayStation. Excitement fills their eyes. They want to know more about the trials and tribulations, joys and successes. A man who looks after children, how can this be? Surely we must listen at his feet. Truly, light seems to shine forth from his very...
Ahem. Anyway, people are strange. Quite why I get more credit for doing things housemums do all the time simply because I'm a man, I don't know. Actually, I could come up with some theories pretty quick, but this isn't the place. Suffice to say, we are housedads in a world that isn't quite ready.
All the best,
Edmund
DadsDinner.com
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