Oh the irony of it all!
Juniper fears being looked at by strangers all the while multitudes of strangers gaze at her sweet face daily unbeknownst to her.
That's irony!
what dutch didn't mention is that he wasn't yet 2 years old when he locked the car doors. that's why his mom assumes it was an accident, and why it's shocking that he remembers it as vividly and emotionally as he does.
oh crap.
my own son, luke, who just turned one year last week, has already exhibited all of the same traits you have just described in juniper.
i'm scared as hell now.
I'm also afraid of squirrels (and birds and rodents and a sometimes my own shadow).
I don't think it's "coddling", I think you are creating a strong bond that will always be there. Sure it must by trying at times, but it will be over sooner than your realize. Also, I'm positive she won't grow into a Buster Bluth.
I think I was older than two.
Martina, if she's anything like her parents, a stranger on the internet is far more tolerable than a stranger sticking her finger in your actual face.
i don't know if it's coddling, but perhaps you could try smaller steps like having a babysitter over for a couple of hours each week to play with her while you are both home. and then after a couple of weeks you could try leaving her just for an hour, then two? does she warm up to the grandparents after awhile? in any case, i think you are right that she will grow out of it naturally.
Daycare/preschool doesn't necessarily help. D cried every morning for almost 2 months and it was so hellish on us that I make Daddymatic take him because I fear that I will throw up out of my own anxiety. He seems to be fine now, at least at school, but still doesn't really want to be left with babysitters, even awesome Mormon babysitters who do nothing but spoil him and say kind things about his mother. Go figger.
"That's enough, go away"
A quote from my almost two-year old to her great grandfather this weekend when all he did was say hello and call her sugar. I was grateful that he doesn't hear well.
I think most children have issues of some variety or another where someone wants to give sage advice on how to eliminate it. Sometimes this works. And sometimes the child needs some extra patience and acceptance of her as she is. Maybe it's "coddling" (to think of it negatively) or maybe it's indulging her. Or MAYBE it's just being a conscientious parent who can see where their child needs some slack.
Mine went through a long phase of always wanting to sleep with me, despite the fact that we're not in favor of co-sleeping for us. We tried all the advice, we let her cry it out a bit, nothing really worked. She needs a little extra closeness to her Mommy sometimes, and I indulge it because when she's 14 she won't want to even hold my hand, much less sleep next to me! And then I'll miss it. And it doesn't hurt me one bit. She's otherwise a happy and well-adjusted child. That's just her little thing.
Oy, as a minister's kid, I never had a hope in hell of exerting any boundaries with people. From the time I was a tadpole, people were asking to hold me and sticking their faces in my face every time we went in the building.
Fortunately, I wasn't all that shy (I'm much more shy now), and it went okay. It turned me into a performer/people pleaser. Wait, that's lame. It's probably better to be shy.
My older brother (born before my dad had a congregation to test his mettle), however, was the same way Juniper was, and they rode it out the same way you are.
He's now gregarious as all hell, and he got over it before he went off to kindergarten.
I think she'll be fine.
I have so much to say about this. Maddie inherited this trait from me and I remember it with glaring clarity.
There's a book called the Highly Sensitive Child. You guys are WAY more patient than I've ever been but between mr Gregarious Summers and my fumbling attempts to be patient and embrace my daughter's temprement, she has become so much more sure of herself and her safety in this world.
She'll be fine. It will take patience though and lots of Logan Summers time of course. I kid, he paid me to add that.
Here's the book:
http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm
It was a little over the top as far as patience with kid's quirks but it still made me realize how there are thousands of ways to work with your kid's personality and when they're ready they'll grow and change.
You reminded me of a story my mother still tells about me at two years old. There was a lady who used to pinch my cheeks every.damn.day. I did not like it, but I was not a crier. After about six months of tolerating this, I apparently hauled off and smacked her. I firmly believe that it served her right. Toddlers are not dolls.
As for Juniper, I think she'll be fine. And I agree with other commenters that it will just take time. I have a 5-year-old boy who used to cling to my proverbial skirts wherever we went. The only remnants of that extreme shyness are that he's cautious (he would not ride on any water rides at the indoor water park we recently visited) and paralyzed in the presence of dogs. I would never have believed that he could come as far as he has!
I love reading this stuff. It's so nice to know there are parents out there that see their children as people and not as problems that need to be managed.
Juniper will grow out of it and you guys will get to go out after dark again. Gracie is about 9 months older than Juniper and we can finally get away when we want. Thank goodness her baby brother is pretty darn chill!
OH MY GOD, I was just told by some friends that they also had a slow-to-warm ("please don't call him shy; the labels are self-fulfilling").
Anyway, Juniper is perfect just the way she is. When she's thirty, you're going to wish she still snuggled you.
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka may also give you some insight. She calls it "slow to adapt" and says kids with this trait can have difficulty dealing with transitions (like arriving/leaving places, the arrival of a new person, moving from playtime to mealtime, etc.). There are also good sections on sensitivity and introversion/extraversion.
I'm a new reader, but from your description, I don't see you as "indulging" her. You're working with her temperament. Each child has different strenghs and weaknesses, and sometimes they're one and the same. Your Juniper's sensitivity could make her a gifted artist or writer someday. Her caution could protect her from some of the more dangerous temptations of adolescence. And she may not have a huge circle of friends, but they'll be hers for a lifetime.
Kids need to learn how to sleep and probably, at some point, have to do some sort of cry-it-out in that they have to spend nights by themselves. For some, that is in toddlerhood, others not until pre-school, still others later than that. Crying it out wrt babysitting, though, is something different and I hardly think you are coddling her. She has awesome, loving parents - why would she want to hang out with anyone else? Why should she?
She is not always going to be like this, she will grow out of it, and when she swats your hand away the first time as she bounds away for the park, you'll be glad you spent this time. It is all about her own personality and why make her go to a baby-sitter? Especially when you can drink at home so much more comfortably. 
I so agree with Jennifer's comment above. My 6yo daughter was exactly as you describe Juniper and then she started kindergarten. I kid you not, she did a complete 180 and is now totally outgoing and is friends with every kid in her class. Allow Juniper to be who she is (as you are obviously doing) and she will blossom in her own time. It will be so worth it.
"Slow to warm" always brings to mind a Crock Pot for me as well.
I am a nanny, I have been around lots of children; as difficult as it can be with a child like Juniper who refuses to go to her adoring, but still strangers-to-her grandparents, it is much, MUCH more difficult to teach the Mister and Miss Congeniality type of children exactly WHY it is that if a man says there are puppies and candy in his van, you must not go with him. Juniper is exactly who she is, and that all she wrote.
Well said, S.A.
As usual a very funny and well-written post.
BTW, you had me at "accustomed to drinking at home."
You said: "and then she'd see everything is okay in some Weissbluthian epiphany."
Here's a Weissbluthian epiphany: You suck, Weissbluth.
You guys are doing great. I agree with Jennifer above...not coddling, but working with Juniper's personality.
My daughter was the same way regarding babysitting...and our babysitter is her aunt who has lived 3 blocks away for as long as Madeleine has been alive.
Mads has never been "shy"...she just prefers Mom and Dad. A wisp of hope: at 3 and a half, she no longer sobs when her aunt comes over to babysit. She says she wishes we'd stay home, but she deals when we leave.
I also recommend the *Raising Your Spirited Child*..it helps me understand why my daughter REFUSES to wear short sleeves when the season changes (like it is now) or long pants when it changes back in the fall. Sigh.
kids go through normal stages of "stranger danger." it just sounds like juniper is working toward being more comfortable meeting strangers. keep encouraging her to test it out and realize that things are ok. it might help to let her stay around whatever's making her anxious until she calms down a little more; that's not feasible in, say, a doctor's office where the doctor has to be somewhere, but it is with her grandparents. if you let her freak out and then remove her from the situation, it just reinforces the freakout.
It sounds like you both are doing a great job with her.
SA, that's exactly what scares the crap out of me--I have a kid who will sit in pretty much anyone's lap (although, as outgoing as she is, the doctor freaks her right out, just like Juniper, and today even being in a fitting room, which reminded her of the doctor, set off a meltdown!).
I'll second the crowd and say I think you're doing well to honor and respect her personality. By making her feel secure, as you do, she'll eventually feel okay enough to be a little more outgoing. Plus, even Maggie, Ms. Outgoing Northwest Detroit, got lots shyer when she turned one and it's gotten moreso in certian situations. I think a good amount of it is the age.
I have no advice, only support for your decision to wait it out with her, and empathy for the challenges that can cause. I have a moderately shy child and we do what you do -- support her.
I don't have any reason to believe kids get stronger in a good way by crying through their fear of the unknown, however, kids who know they're loved and cared for are capable of any risk they set their mind to. That's what I like to believe, anyway.
I'm not sure if this is ass-vice or not, but there's a pretty specific type of therapy that is often helpful for such difficulties. It's called Parent-Child Interaction Therapy. http://pcit.phhp.ufl.edu/Theory.htm
I guess it all comes down to how much you feel Juniper needs to change for her own health and happiness or your family's health and happiness. She's beautiful and you all sound like great parents, you just gotta decide what's best for you and your kid, and no one knows better than you.
Drinking at home is criminally underrated.
a) i love that dutch and wood are debating amongst themselves in the comments
b) edan is just as shy, but randomly so. we were playing with a couple kids on the playground today, and when they left, she gave the girl a big hug. everyone went "aaaaw" until the little boy opened his arms for a hug. then she ran away, hid behind me, and refused to speak.
i figure she'll be fine.
People make so many comments about how "serious" our 19-month-old seems to be. With us, she's a giggly, smiley, gregarious little monkey. Get her around strangers or in a new place and she clams up and furrows her brow. At the park, adults and kids approach her and she worriedly waves them off. Luckily, most people think she's just waving hello.
Our bug has never been in daycare and never had a babysitter. Preschool is scheduled for the fall. This could be a disaster but the program lets parents stay with the kids until the kids feel comfortable so we have high hopes.
None of this helps you, but reading your post I was relieved to know we don't have the only shy/sensitive/cautious child in the world. I hope it helps you to know it, too. All we can do is love our kids, appreciate them for who they are, let them know they're safe with us and help them find their place in the world.
Junie's fine. You guys are doing a GREAT job.
Our girls were babies in the '80's. We used a babysitter exactly ONCE in twelve years because our eldest (who was one at the time) screamed the entire time we were gone, so we never did it again. We waited 'til she was old enough to babysit her younger sisters.
There are SO many advantages to drinking at home. They mainly come down to saving money. Money on the babysitter, on the 'dress up clothes' and on the way-overpriced drinks out there.
They are today all adults, successfully out on their own -- and guess who they truly love to hang out with in their spare time -- their parents!
As wonderful as it is now to bask in the glory of Junie-being-Junie -- just wait 'til she's in her twenties and counts you guys as her best friends and greatest supporters. There's no glow like it.
Yeah, my daughter was not at all friendly to her grandparents (or anyone else, really) at that age too. Made my hubby's mom cry, even, when the girl (all 23 months of her) wouldn't make eye contact and avoided a kiss. My brain was all, "Well, if you only see her twice a year, how's she supposed to react?" (Because my parents visit a lot more, and the kids are MUCH closer with them.)
At any rate, the girl is now almost ten, LOVES going to sleepaway camp, spends 2 weeks three states away with my parents every summer, and is about the friendliest, most confident kid I've ever met.
Oh, and the kids slept in my bed until they were four. No biggie. They don't do it now (although they usually wind up sharing a bed with each other....which I think is adorable).
Junie sounds like a lovely little girl. And so what if she doesn't like the doctor. I don't either!
My first was shy. Not as bad as Juniper, but shy. My second would wander off, chattering happily, with total strangers. My third got the balance right. So I quit making babies then.
You're right: they are who they are. BUT, if this is part of who she is, she's not going to "outgrow" it. You don't outgrow your character.
What you do is develop it. She, like my eldest, will always have to deal with her innate reticence. It's part of your job to gently, gradually, but persistently, see that she learn the skills that she'll need for school in a year or two, and for the rest of her life.
But don't worry. By 30. Hell, by 20 - it won't be your problem any more...
I don't transition well and my youngest was and is the same way. It does get better, but those toddler years were HELL.
Oh, I still vividly remember being small and random strangers getting all up in my face and making weird noises and faces at me and expecting me to love it. When I didn't, they'd be like, "OOH, you're SHHHYYYYY!!!!"
Once I said, "No, I'm not shy, I just don't like you."
You should keep in contact with the caregiver.... what an amazing gift! When Isabelle was little, ours was amazing also.... Right around the corner from us in Ferndale. She potty trained her, and taught her to wash her hands by herself. Izzy still talks about her, and sometimes goes over for the day to be the mothers helper now. (she is 7) When my brother died in Jan. her daycare provider even showed up at the funeral, even though I didn't think to call her. I hope I always know this woman... I know you don't live near him anymore, but don't lose track.... great post, by the way.
We made the decision to move home before starting our family. Both my wife and I grew up following our parent's jobs around (mine in the military and her father's various engineering jobs).
We wanted our kids to be closer to family and friends and a lot of our oldest mutual friends had returned home to her home town.
It was one of our better decisions (but why did it have to be southwest indiana instead of Portland, OR...).
Our son has been lucky to be constantly around one set of grand parents, a great aunt, and dear old friends (with toddlers and first graders). Plus, my wife found a lot of friends through the women's hospital where she had him.
While he is getting clingy to my wife, he is still able to stay with others if need be and now I feel really lucky about that. There was a week long hospital stay for her that would have been impossible if he couldn't stay with his godparents every now and then.
I will say that it helps that they have older children. My son is fascinated by the 3 and up set. They crack him up and while shy at points, he brightens up while watching them engage in activities (even if he doesn't always join in). If we absolutely need someone to watch him, their great (and willing) candidates.
Any chance you know anyone with older kids that Juniper would warm to?
Funny, Jim. I'm glad to be commenting from pdx and not sw indiana. Anyway...
I was a shy and fearful child. All my report cards through the elementary years said essentially the same thing: "I wish she would come out of her shell." I hated being so shy and scared to talk to people. It wasn't til my teenage years that I became comfortable with the world.
My parents coddled me. Still do. Their obsession with their 37 year old baby girl is quite unhealthy, actually, although at least I'm quite confident in their love for me. From what I've seen in the few months of reading your blog, you two are far from coddling or "spoiling" Juniper. Caring for her in a loving and respectful way is to be commended. Keep giving her all the attention and love she needs and she'll have the confidence to bust out on her own when she's good and ready. In the meantime, get comfy on the couch and keep pouring the Negronis.
it took me while, but here i am...my little cling-on is in a "phase" of not even letting me leave the room without her, jesus mary and st joseph! but a nice girl at library hour today told me that her girl went through it too, and is better now. i would agree with the above consensus that it is probably juniper's personality with some need-to-be-close/don't look at me phase. on the occasions where we haven't had a choice to leave pnut with someone else, we try to have it be with people she knows very very well (which means we spend lots of time with them as a family for a week or so ahead of time) so it's not so scary. and i would second jim- it sure as hell helps if they have older kids- pnut is frigging in love with her cousins or friends kids, and those kids always distract her from the freak-out of us not being there, probably b/c the older kid is doing something fun and exciting. aside from the Summers, does this help you? probably not, but it's what worked for us. it's a limited pool to choose from, to be sure. also, whenever we've had a 'permanent' babysitter (same girl every single week), i stayed in the room/house for at least 2-4 sits with them til pnut was comfortable with her. and then i learned to be out of the house as soon as the sitter got there and she was still napping- if i was there and left, well, forget it. we aren't trying to force her to be who she isn't, but the reality is that sometimes we can't be there, and we want her to learn to trust that we'll be back- it's taken a lot on our part to get her to be with other people enough to feel comfortable around them.
i still have AP from yesterday's moxie on my brain, and i keep thinking all those categories are all well and good until your kid doesn't quite fit them or is so gd securely attached she never de-taches! like when you travel 8 hours in a snowstorm to her grandpa's 60th bday party and she screams when he wants to hold her for pictures. and every damn person is all up in her grill wanting to coochie-coo her and she is freaking the f out. i can't blame her, in those situations i'd be annoyed too, but god almighty sometimes i need a break! but i also remember a moxie where people really supported the idea of letting a child establish and own their own boundaries- not letting people kiss or hold her if the kid didn't want it, basically it shows the kid that they have control over their own bodies and not to let anyone take advantage of that. so you are definitely giving juniper that, and that is a gift that she'll have for life.
i should re-name myself the rambler. anyway, hang in there, and if you find anything that works, let us know!
My youngest was the very same way; I'd leave her in the church nursery on my way to teach my own class, and would hear her screaming all the way upstairs. There was one older gentleman who she loved, and he was nice enough to take her every Sunday morning until she grew out of it.
And she did grow out of it, slowly; now she is five and in preschool and could not possibly love it more. Treasure these clingy moments while you have them! You may miss them when they're gone.
Of ours, who sounds so remarkably like Juniper, her pediatrician calls her "sensitive" and "cautious." She actually doesn't seem shy, not exactly, because she's cautious with oh you know just anything that's not familiar, not exclusively people--she seems to learn by watching something a few hundred times and then trying it out, as opposed to kids who learn by doing, or something like that. Screw it. We love her, how can we not think that she's right as rain about her own mode of operation?
"At her worst, she makes Boo Radley seem like Bill Clinton." Oh my, that's a good one. Pass the damn ham.
it's taken me over seven years to trust and accept some of my son's quirks -- to stop trying to "train" them out of him. You and Wood know Juniper better than anyone. She's so lucky to have parents who are willing to respect her nature (even when it bugs the crap out of you).
I totally support you guys in the way you parent. I have older kids and younger kids and PROMISE that the respect you are giving to her temperment will pay off in the end. It is so OK to not push her into anything she is uncomfortable with, she will get there in HER own time. You are totally right to honor that.
I second (3rd?4th?5th?) the rec for Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's Spirited Child book.
My "slow to warm" is 5 and near kindergarten (next fall) and she's fine.
But you know what?
I don't think you can decide anything about socialization until after 4, which is the HUGE social age.
No need to train out any characteristics. Just teach her---and more importantly those around her---how to deal with her as she is. She'll learn on her own (with your support) how to adapt otehrwise.
I've managed to train my ILs (a feat worth a sainthood IMO) to not demand a hello or hug from my oldest.
Hang in there; she's awfully young. She's just now starting to notice there are people around her with whom she might like to interact. Prior to now...well, most were sort of...objects that she sat alongside, and got things she needed from.
I've got a similar situation with my kid. Her shyness was bad enough that at preschool interviews at 2 1/2, we were told by one preschool director that we delay entry into preschool by a year. I didn't sleep at all that weekend. I remember thinking, "Holy shit, I've passed on my defective genes to her."
But we moved forward with preschool and I braced myself for the worst. I stayed with her the first day and left for the second. And you know, she just said "Bye, Mom!" And there were no tears. I was blown away. Sometimes your own kids will surprise you. So don't fret.
I'm a fairly new reader, but from everything I've read so far it sounds to me like you and your wife are wonderful parents and have an adorable child.
Follow her lead as you seem to have been doing...all will be well
(Sorry Im late to this.. in Atlanta on business. hey! How much do you want to bet that after four days my kid won't even notice I'm home?)
Don't worry about her. It's not a fun feeling either when the limited time you DO have with your kid he is asking for the nanny. It's like a kick in the crotch.
a) the slumped-in-a-corner-screaming bit is heartrending. it's also why I pulled our son from daycare on the second day and didn't return; he'd clearly spent a major portion of his time on that second day sobbing, thanks to the evidence collected on his cheeks/nose, as well as the shaky breath/tightly clasped choke-hold he put me in once I arrived. I needn't explain how that made me feel.
b) we have the same sequestered routines for our nearly-two-yr-old son, for similar reasons, and he behaves in a manner toward others in social settings that is not unlike Juniper's (in fact, I read this post precisely because, at playgroup this morning, Nonlinear Girl mentioned it to me as my son clung ferociously to my neck).
c) I appreciate the validation you've given me for our situation. it's frustrating, and -- yeah. thanks.
I think there are significant benefits to having a child like this for example: never having to chase them down in a crowded place because they just don't run away from mommy.
My daughter has always been a little like this. I prefer to think she has a great sense of personal space and it will have a wonderful protective effect for her when she is a teenager and some boy is trying to grope her at the local high school dance.
I was much like Juniper as a child and absolutely HATED being dropped off at the babysitter's house. Which is probably why I'm a babysitter now. If you guys are looking to head out of your house, look for a local college kid who babysits on the side. Have her come over to play with you guys during the day and go on fun adventures with you. Juniper will come to trust her if you guys do, and it'll be a breeze to head out at night. A lot of families I babysit for have been heading out since their baby was a few months old, but definitely there are also parents who are very very cautious. Once you guys are comfortable with a babysitter, Juniper will adapt to her too. It just takes time and patience, on all three sides.
I'm not saying anything new here but I definitely believe it's Juniper's personality, and not her exposure to daycare or your 'protectiveness' of her or any other external factor. children are wired the way they're wired.
My two are a great example of how different children, raised in pretty much the same environment (different only by circumstance of birth year), can have vastly different reactions to the same stimuli. Truman was attacked by a meth-crazed german shepherd when he was 18 months (he wasn't harmed, but my sister was bitten badly as she helped protect him). a few months later, a dog growled loudly at Everett in our neighborhood and lunged at my husband as the three of them were out for a walk. Truman's reaction to the two experiences was to run up to any dog he sees and try to hug it. Everett (despite the fact that he adores dogs) is to jump back as soon as a dog reaches over to lick him. He's scared of the dark while Truman will happily enter the gloomiest room, alone.
children are their own selves and the best we can do (in my opinion) is to try to keep their worst fears from coming true, whether that be "being left alone for 10 minutes in a dark room" or "being left alone with grandma for 10 minutes."
Bean didn't sleep through the night until she was almost three. Heck, she was potty-trained long before she'd agree to sleep all night. Every child is different, but with Bean, it wasn't a desire for food, a drink of water, bathroom, wet diaper, not enough activity, too much activity, etc. Nope, I firmly believe that she was (and still is) a very vivid dreamer. She couldn't sleep through the night until she was old enough to articulate the difference between dreams and reality. But, suddenly, it all fell into place and she sleeps like a champ now.
Love the way you think about parenting - maybe b/c we have a lot of the same views.
She doesn't need to change, people need to respect her space and personality w/o seeing it as a 'problem'.
You and Wood are great parents.
Hi, first visit here. Love the pictures.
I have twin girls, soon to turn 15 months, who are just like this. In fact, one VOMITS at every doctor's appointment as soon as the doctor begins examining her. Crying doesn't even begin to describe our appointments. I'm planning to just have a bottle of wine in the car, waiting, after our next one in two weeks.
Sleep. Shmeep. Cool blog. Thanks.
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