I hear you. Coffee is kinda gross. For me to drink it, I must be unable to see straight from lack of sleep (uh, me right now actually--I have three under 4) and it needs to be laced with sugar, chocolate and copious amounts of fat.
Just get it into you. Whatever it takes.
Some people swear by Red Bull to get them over the hump. Never tried it.
Venti frappa-what? So you're the guy who takes five minutes to order when it's early in the morning and people are in need of real caffeine. You're not a coffee drinker until you use needles.
aw that's so cute. you called morning edition your homies.
don't give the big shots at starbucks any ideas with making marlboro frapps...
Oof...that's the single girl's equivalent of a guy you're on a date with ordering a vodka/cranberry or something fruity like that. Meanwhile you're sipping a Jameson neat. Yeah, I drink my coffee black, too.
"When I order your Venti Java Chip Frappaccino Light but with Whipped Cream and the chocolate drizzle I feel like such a girl."
BWAH
I feel the same way about coffee--it's a means to an end--the end being not quite as tired. It's good that you didn't start chasing the dragon until after having kids, though, because I think its efficacy decreases with the amount of time you've been doing it.
You know, like cocaine.
I, too, resisted the coffee addiction. Through college days and then a stint in the Navy, I didn't touch the stuff - then I moved to Portugal.
Virtually impossible to NOT drink coffee here. Tell someone you don't drink coffee and they just don't understand. Now, I'm dreading going back to the States because coffee here is just so good by comparison to what you get there.
You're such a good writer. And writers must have caffeine.
Even if they have to drink it in milkshake form.
I gave in to the coffee sometime after I started graduate school. Now I'm a self proclaimed snob that buys fresh, grinds his own (with a burr grinder mind you), and brews it to SCAA standards in my electric vacuum pot. (I feel like such a dork now)
And then I add splenda and cream.
I can tolerate the Foglers stuff, but after a week or two I'd almost rather go without.
I love coffee though.
hahah ... great post. Do you sip your frap with your pinky out too? 
All that really matters is that you enjoy your treat because that's what it is.
I laughed out loud. Hell, I'm still giggling. I love your blog!
I forgot to mention that my wife---who started drinking coffee herself post-pregnancy primarily for its laxative effect---is now a certified coffee snob.
she has her preferred "brand" (New Mexicio Pinon) which she grinds nightly herself. I usually pour whatever she leaves me in an ice cube tray and freeze it. A few hours later I put the cubes in a blender with some chocolate milk and voila, something palatable.
Dude, that's my Starbucks drink too. But I think you've hit on something. Starbucks is not a coffee shop. It's a tasty milk-shake shop. I worked in a coffee shop. If I want coffee I go somewhere with good coffee and drink it black. If I want mint-chocolate chips in my coffee flavored milkshake I go to Starbucks.
I always feel a little sad when I forget to add back on the whip cream to my light Frappucino.
Starbucks addict... completely. I get the caramel frap though... mmm.
Yes: when I had my first frappacino, I realized Starbucks was just Dairy Queen with cocaine in the Blizzards.
for me, coffee is not only wonderful (and necessary) for its stimulant effects, but is also the perfect vehicle for massive amounts of cream and sugar. and i'm talking REAL half and half...not that fake creamer crap.
sugar, fat, AND caffeine...word!
my latte is raised in a toast to you, frap-boy.
Like popcorn and hot dogs, the smell of coffee is intoxicating. The taste however, is ASS. I can't seem to get past that little issue to form the requisite addiction. I'm afraid they're going to kick me out of the Pacific Northwest soon.
I actually adore coffee. It's nectar of the Gods.
But then I got hooked early. Not being a morning person, my parents encouraged coffee my drinking when I hit my teens.
And college made it worse. I found I like to eat plain roasted beans. Much like one might eat peanuts.
My husband is the one who drinks the blended frozen thing filled with candy pieces and topped with whipped cream and icecream syrups.
I may drink simple coffee, but I am a snob. Only good quality beans, ground at home with a burr grinder, and my favorite pot of black made with a french press. Maybe get fancy and use my own espresso machine to make a cappuccino.
I work at a damn coffee shop, and still mostly hate coffee unless it's in candy form. With whip. And drizzle. And some sort of chip.
I'd like to suggest a (probably obvious) affogato of vanilla ice cream drowned in a shot of espresso. I worked in an Italian restaurant last summer, where we would serve sweetened ice-milk with espresso poured over, sprinkled with super-finely ground espresso bean and cocoa. I worked solo in the pastry department, and would always wind up wired to the hilt with Oh,I just need one more little taste of this!" as I worked into the night. Crazy delicious!
If you cross the border into Canada, try Tim Hortons. They don't do milkshakes, but a half-coffee, half-hot chocolate is really nice and does the job quite nicely. Much less fat.
Since we moved to the US (Northern VA), I can only get Starbucks and I MISS Tim Hortons. Plus, Juniper will love the Timbits.
Go. Go now.
My mother introduced me to coffee at the age of eight.It was a once-a-week treat, reserved for Saturday mornings only. My father had taken on a side job as a mover on weekends, and I think she just wanted someone to drink coffee with on a lazy morning. And, then as now, I was crazy for the taste--3/4 filled mug (Martinson's, red can), then plenty of milk and one sugar, so I was a willing co-conspirator. While she started a lifelong addiction, she also gave me some of my favorite childhood memories with those Saturdays.
Your note is timed well with my blog entry regarding coffee drinking in Greece (where I live). I don't know that people are addicted to the caffeine, but just to having coffee available at all times of day. Pacific Northwest (where I grew up) coffee snobs would not do well here. Starbucks is the only place where I can count on getting a good cup of filter coffee and the ONLY place I can buy decaf beans. For those unaware, decaf is for those addicted to the coffee taste (which is nothing like ASS if you do it right) and not the caffeine itself.
And I thought I was the only one who ordered a Java Chip Light WITH whipped cream and a chocolate drizzle 
oh, steve and renee are your homies, too?
What a timely story. I too got addicted after having a child that likes to stay up all night. I go for a sugary Chai latte most mornings. After staying home with the boy for 3 years, my husband is having a panic attack about the ever declining savings account. I was asked to not spend any money this week. It's Tuesday, and I've comprimised by going to the AM/PM gas station. They have this noisy machine that shoots out premade cappuccinos. They are pretty sugary and delicious, for just $1.39. Don't tell the hubby though. I found the money in the couch!
Steve and Renee are my homies, too.
Oh my god, you guys are such over-educated liberal white people.
Of course, I have to admit, I am an addict. Welcome to the club!
very funny
Michelle--
In NoVa try a place called Bad Ass. Coffee so strong it can cause a cardiac incident.
Their iced coffee is the best. Their ice cubes are frozen espresso, so the coffee gets STRONGER as you drink it, rather than weaker.
So before my days as a Mom I managed a Starbucks for a while and whenever anyone would order a Venti Frap all of us behind the counter would always wonder "Who drinks a Venti, HOW?" I seriously don't get it, not one little bit! IT'S EFFING HUGE!! Seriously? A Venti? All 22 ounces? Sorry to hear that your Sbux is closing 
if they served fraps in big gulp cups I could drink one.
First off, Metro Detroit has Tim Horton's. Way cheaper than Starbucks, and you can still get it all sugared up. I take coffee any way I can get it. If there's nothing to doctor it with, I will choke it down. EXCEPT - one time, I had a Kona Blend decaf plain at a Rattlesnake Club wedding? To die for!
I'm almost 33 and I still haven't had coffee. My parents were fiends and that morning coffee smell turned me off to it completely. You make it sound pretty tempting, though. I am in love with caffeine in any form.
But: Steve Inskeep? HOLY COW. My husband and I have been calling him Steve Inski for, like, ever. It's fun. "Yo, Steve Inski!" And then I call my husband GeorgeInski and he calls me SarahInski and we giggle. Sigh. The fun is over, our morning tradition shattered. Now it's back to calling ourselves "George and Sarah Kilmister." Dang.
The java chip frap light is my drink of choice too, although I go for the grande instead of the venti, and keep it light all the way - no whip, no drizzle. I don't know who I am trying to kid...it still isn't all that "light". And my coffee addiction started because of my child who hated to sleep. Never could stand it for the first 26 years of my life. My husband loves the frapps too but makes me order them so he doesn't sound too girly.
Steve Inskeep! I have been wondering for so long what that name really was...I was going back and forth between Steve Inskee and Steven Skee...I feel like a whole new world just opened up.
I had no idea how tired I'd be after having a kid. I've tried to give up caffeine several times, but I'm pretty sure raising children wouldn't be possible without it.
This was so funny. I would of given anything to see such a scene. Classic.
Man, I'm glad you jog, because those things are [i]loaded[/i] with thousands of calories!
i felt that i wouldn't drink coffee until I was an adult, and I applied the peter pan principle to that until I smelled the most delicious costa rican coffee dripping through a sock, at the young age of 38 - i was hooked
coffee drinking was ceremony
my body didn't fare well as a coffee drinker - even decaf made my heart beat funny
It's now the occasional were going on a road trip libation
haha- that steve and renee are so many people's homies. and i thought i was special - no not really.
same sbux problem here. i was all tentative about ordering an iced venti soy no whip mocha for my husband to go along with my ice venti no water americano.
slowly he has been converted though. he started earlier than you- he was 27 when he starting drinking coffee.
Wait!
You can do that? Order a Light Frap WITH whipped cream and drizzle? Gosh, if only I'd known! But doesn't it completely miss the point?
I didn't drink anything with coffee until the third year of college - not near as long as you, but considering the caffeine addiction from the rest of my family, it's kind of shocking!
It's actually a good thing you never tried smoking. You for sure would have ended up one of those dudes who smoke Capri Menthol Slims.
I'm with Wood on the New Mexico Pinon. That's all we drink in our house. (High five, Wood.)
Oooh, Holly and I tried those on the way back from the Bahamas. Delish! Personally, I opt for my daily tall skinny vanilla latte, that way I don't feel SO guilty hitting up Starbucks each morning (not that you should feel guilty for your Frap addiction, it's just that I'm female and those things will go right to my hips and counteract all the hours of marathon training I log!).
I have been a Starbucks addict since they finally came to my Midwestern town years ago. Before Starbucks, I actually drank my coffee black. I couldn't function without it in the morning and was a slug for most of the day unless I had a minimum of 2 cups.
However, I gave up caffeine about 2 months ago and (once the week of feeling like my brain was being pierced by ice picks passed) I have never felt better and more awake all day long.
I still go to Starbucks once a week and get my Venti Decaf Skinny Vanilla Latte though...
What? You grew up around Mormons? Somehow I didn't know that part.
I've never had a drink of coffee -- the smell always makes my stomach turn a little bit. I would blame it on my own Mormon-ness, but my mother and my son, both of my same faith, seek out coffee-flavored-anything-that's-not-actually-
coffee wherever they can find it.
Being a legal drug dealer is probably the most satisfying job, ever. You can even dip into your stash (usually a HUGE no no in the drug dealing industry) when you are feeling down.
I have to agree that your JCFL +wc (java chip frappuccino light with whip cream) is very lady like. Just so you know...it’s the dome lid. The dome lid pushes it over the edge into girlie land. I have heard it time and time again from men..."just don't give me a dome lid; they make me look so lame!"
SO maybe you have to try your drink minus the whip. You might even shed some extra pounds. If you are going to get whip, why get light? It’s like ordering a #3 at McDonalds with a diet coke. Sigh.
Cheers.
P.Hobbs
I love coffee - I drink the hard stuff, the double shots on ice from Starbucks - 5 shots of espresso with some milk and 3 pumps of simple syrup. Heaven.
I also love Steve Inskeep, he's my hero.
It takes real balls to order that kind of drink!
As a native to the Pacific Northwest I swear by my Bodum thermal french press. It is the only way to make a real cup of coffee. Anything else makes coffee taste like cardboard, hence the need for superfluous additives. Since you'll be out of a coffee source I'd like to recommend Stumptown coffee.
How to: buy whole bean, grind fresh, deposit in Bodum, add hot (not boiling) water, wait 5-10 minutes, then press and pour. You'll never use milk or sugar again.
http://stumptowncoffee.com/
yeah, I used to only drink the milkshake kind too. then came the half-and-half cocoa and coffee, then coffee with milk and sugar, and then came this morning, when I ordered a Turkish coffee at a Middle Eastern bakery, put about ten sugar cubes in it, and downed the sweet, sweet black caffeinated sludge. don't kid yourself... frappuccinos are the gateway drug. they're just marijuana in milkshake form. (now THERE'S a get-rich-quick idea....)
i live and work on the near E side of detroit and used to frequent that Starbucks. i stopped going there when i heard it was going to close, out of the same fear that i would show up and the drive through would be boarded up. although the drive through window WAS being taped together there for awhile. i wish there was a way to save that starbucks...
When they were infants and I was an OB nurse on call, I discovered the insanity of sleep deprivation. Started with an afternoon cup of coffee as an afternoon pick me up. Now, I start mornings with the stuff and the best I ever found was from a coffee shop in Chicago called Intelligesia.
Now that they are older (11-27) it takes frequent nips of Stoli and maybe an Ativan to deal with their shinannigans.
With regard to Tim Horton's (Timmies, Crack for Canadians) do keep in mind that they soak their dirty beans in extra caffeine, making it twice as revolting/delicious. If you want to make an obscene amount of money, open a Timmies. Even if it's next to an existing Timmies. It will thrive.
If you want to make Canadians so agitated that we come to war with you or something, destroy all the Tim Horton's. I promise, the country will collapse.
I live in Melbourne (Aus) where coffee snobbism is a proud tradition (many Italian immigrants, arty types who take themselves very seriously, etc).
I remember when the first Starbucks opened here (a few years ago) everyone said it would never work in Melbourne. A couple of weeks ago Starbucks announced the closure of all but a handful of their stores. We're all feeling very smug (with the exception of the poor former employees).
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One of my pharmacology lecturers at Pharmacy College once said that if coffee were up for approval today, it would never pass safety standards: too many adverse effects.
Being VERY fond of indie coffee shops myself i have to say your drink of choice didn't really change my opinion of you, but the place of choice did. maybe i can get over it since i'm also VERY fond of your blog.
Is your Starbucks the one at Mack and Woodward? That is truly the NEAR eastside. If so, there is a Beans & Bytes just a few blocks down Woodward, which is good (and independent). Also, there is a little coffee bar in that new market on Woodward near Brush Park (Zaccaros?), I don't think they do frozen coffee though.
Detroit is a difficult place for coffee enthusiasts, I have found. Amsterdam Espresso was very good as well, but it burned. There is a new place downtown, can't remember the name, which was okay. And the Mercury Coffee Bar, across from Slow's in Corktown, will be opening soon.
Not that we drink a lot of coffee, or did before I was pregnant anyway.
Laurie, I'm talking about the one partly owned by Magic Johnson (through his initiative to put "normal" franchises in black neighborhoods where chains are usually too frightened to do business) at Jefferson and Grand right by Belle Isle. The Woodward/Mack location is the only Detroit location outside a casino/rencen that is not closing.
Other options in midtown include MOCAD's new coffee shop (when the museum is open) and Avalon
Our favorite independent coffee shop in Detroit is that Urban Bean Company place in Capitol Park (when it's open). That coffee is STRONG. We also like the little coffee shop in the new Mercado on the east side of Mexicantown.
There's also the dude in Harmonie Park under Mezzanine who talks too much, the cafe at Rivard Plaza on the Riverfront, and Taste of Java in an unlikely location at Chene and Gratiot (though that place is never open). And Cafe Stella in the Guardian Building. There's also an indie in the Compuware building. None of these places make blended ice coffee drinks, but even if`they did I'm not ashamed that I go to the one Starbucks with an owner who had the balls to open in an underserved neighborhood when I want one.
I'm wondering if Barb uses a conical burr grinder. http://www.capresso.com/coffee-g...-
infinity.shtml
I drink tea, not coffee, but my DH says this grinder is just as important as the french press for good coffee flavor.
Ha! Love it. I had the same relationship with beer and coffee. I thought beer tasted like stewed newspapers and vowed never to consume the hideous stuff. Senior of college I had a romance with the Bud Light super can (my tastes have since improved).
My mom let me sip her coffee when I was five and I thought it tasted like an ashtray. That kept me away from the stuff till I was 28. Now I feel like folding laundry is too complicated unless I've splashed espresso on my face. Sometimes I feel guilty and want to quit it. But it's the best legal drug ever.
Ho ho ho hee hee hee, that last line is a killer. I will be muttering "Liberace in a Volkswagen" all day long.
Oh but THIS kind of post is why I harbor such affection for you, Jim.
I confess, I will totally buy cheap coffee, but I cannot do without Coffeemate French Vanilla creamer.
That is my Starbucks order to the T!!!! That's hilarious. Love those.
West Michigan has Mormons? Oh wait, is that some kind of code/insult for Dutch Reformed? Hee hee.
I only pretended to understand Nietzsche.
To Wrong Shoes, I didn't use a conical burr grinder before but I will now. I don't know how I've been this long without one. Thanks for the tip.
I used to dig those big ol' expensive coffees, until I got a Senseo for Christmas. It's one of those one-cup-at-a-time coffee makers, and you can doctor up your drink however you want it. It's heavenly. Try it. Double dog dare you.
That is almost *exactly* the same drink I get when I go to Starbucks... a light java chip frappucino with the whipped cream. Yes, the "support your independent coffee shops" part of me dies a bit each time I order one, but they are good.
And for any other frappucino-lovers out there, have you tried the mint mocha chip frappucino with the chocolate whipped cream? Sooooo delicious.
I have spent years embrassing my coffee addiction, my love for the sweet nector of the gods... but I'm weaning myself off the juice very reluctantly.
And this post was hell for me to read. I'm now jonesing like a crackhead. Thanks, Jim. Thanks alot.
This is an awesome post. But then, I am of an addictive personality (and I'm quite comfortable with my addictions, thank you). I'm a tea girl myself, but I fully recommend Starbuck's Chai Latte if you like things sweet and frothy.
I love coffee. I had a real awakening the other day when I realized I'd give up beer before coffee, and I love beer.
I usually drink regular coffee, but during the seasonal, um, seasons, I'm a sucker for the Pumpkin and Gingerbread lattes at Starbucks.
Go Team Caffeine!
Someone mentioned Turkish coffee... try it with a little fresh-ground cardamom mixed in for "Arabic coffee." Whoa, baby. That got even my mom on the juice, after fifty-two years of abstaining.
laughing so hard. haha.
I'm not sure how far you are from GP, but just across Alter there is a coffee shop that's pretty good, although I can't remember the name for the life of me. Something with Java in it, I think.
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