Ah, parenthood. Such a delightful mindf*ck. 
I empathize... and appreciate the realization of what we find most important. Thank you for articulating that.
My father is very entrenched in the belief that we are what we do, that our value is the work of our lives. I am lucky, and Juniper and #2 are lucky, because you and my dad both know that the work of your lives isn't just what you get paid for. A lot of the time, that is the least of it.
Seems to me, from the omniscient perspective of a stranger who happens to read here, that in becoming the dad that you are, you became more fully yourself. I wish all of your extended family could understand that-just as I wish more of us could achieve it.
I am amazed by what you just put into words here. My son is 10 months and after the initial colic and sleep wars (that's how I started reading your blog) we were certain he would be an only child. Last night for the first time we talked about "another baby". The idea of it makes me excited and kind of sad at the same time. How can I possibly feel this way about two children...
I've written this before but I have to say again that I think its awesome that you stay home with Juniper and baby to be and you are so right that career can be recaptured but these days once gone are gone for good. Enjoy it.
It's shocking how successful you are in bringing tears -- of happiness, of gratitude -- to my eyes. Of course, it doesn't help this time that I'm also expecting (and therefore hormonal), and picturing my own baby boy in a sling, come summer. Thanks again, for capturing it all so well.
Isn't it odd how unexpected and indescribable it is? I long to describe it to my childless peers so that they will join the life that they cannot fathom will have anything other than large amounts of bodily fluids and lack of sleep. But, of course, they are as dubious as I was.
I have 5 weeks to go until our second, a boy, is born. My husband and I have begun to discuss the impending arrival of his nibs. I've also started mourning being the parent to only one child. My 3 year old and I have such a close connection and are in such a rhythm now. She's so funny and interesting and inquisitive. I suddenly realized when I saw a friend's 3 month old that my life is going to be full of diapers and night feedings again. I'm extremely excited to meet my son, but I, like you, are finally feeling a little bit anxious over the changes to come.
I keep reading and re-reading this. We are trying for our first, and man, I'm scared.
Oh, and I'm also the one who will be physically pregnant, so the flatulence thing was...enlightening.
Beautiful.
I am speechless at the description of being a SAHD. All my life I was also taught that my life was to be centered on my career. My mother was bitter about being a mother and didn't attach anything positive to the experience. When I became a mother, I suffered horrible PPD because of my struggle with self-identity. I cannot believe how well you summed it up in just a few short paragraphs. Incredible. Thank you.
I think that metaphoric Roman mob would tell you now that you're going to be just fine, Dutch, and they wouldn't even have to look at you to know.
All the best with the impending wombling.
You're a heck of a dad and a heck of a writer.
I didn't believe the whole "Your heart will grow! There will be more love for No. 2! Don't worry" stuff. But it's true.
And now they're both crying, so I don't have any more time to ruminate on that.
Just an amazing post. Insightful and well-written.
Nah, you got it, baby. Firmly in your grip.
You are not the only one that feels that way, I consider myself very fortunate to be able to live my life as a parent.
We are lucky guys.
Well, except for the added flatulence part, but at least you can take adavantage of the weather and crack a window.
dutch, you're killing me with this. very well said.
...and to think, it can only continue to evolve into something else we will not understand how we came to be able to explain it...
"I never could have imagined being seduced by parenthood as I have been, by the selfish joy abandoning that old self brings."
That reminds of this, my favorite quotation, written by Adrienne Rich:
"Our gifts shall bring us home—not to beginnings/Nor always to the destination named/Upon our setting forth. Our gifts compel,/
Master our ways, and lead us in the end/Where we are most ourselves..."
From the poem "Landscape of the Star." I always think of it when I reflect upon how having and then staying home with my children changed my life.
This is beautiful. I'm finding myself feeling even more grateful for Maggie and treasuring my relationship with her right now, knowing it's about to change. The idea of bringing another baby into this family makes me realize how fleeting it all is, when Maggie's newborn days seem like they were just a few months ago and now I have this tall, mouthy preschooler thundering around. I'm finding my memory of those days jogged by teensy diapers and little itty bitty clothes and I am just shocked at how fast all the time has gone, and glad I've been here for it. The job will always be there, and you will likely find new avenues to pursue. These children will only be small for a vanishingly short time.
My husband had a very similar experience when I found out I was pregnant. I think your use of the term "undrape" to describe getting out from under your old self is spot on.
beautiful
Your words about being terrified and wondering if you were up to it really resonate with me. We got lucky on the very first try, and the abruptness of that having to undrape nearly knocked me over. Now I am also that guy who is constantly biting his tongue or sitting on his hands in vain attempts to keep from giving advice or telling everyone he knows about how becoming a father created, rather than destroyed, the best part of his being.
I can't wait to read about your new son's arrival. Our second is a week shy of a year old, and in that time we've found that two kids is four times as much work as two, but 16 times as much fun.
Thank you for this post. We've just started trying for our first - I've tossed aside everything I was taught about getting my career on firm foundations before parenthood. I sat in my office unable to understand why it was important - it was something to do for the money to go and play outside. There will be many years for me to finish it. I know what these years are for.
I assume the flatulence in question is yours.
I'll tell you what, that leap from 1 to two is insane, but you'll find that out in your own time.
At the end of the day you've made the right choice, and you are better for it.
You have brought me to tears. Your words are so very beautiful and hit so close to home for me right now. I have been laid-off from my part-time teaching job for the last six months and next week I will go back to work full-time. Financially, it's the only choice for us right now, as my part-time position is no longer available and teaching jobs in Michigan are scarce. I have to take what is offered, but I have loved staying home with my girls. My daughters are 1 and 3 and I am already sad knowing what I will miss the next few months. It breaks my heart knowing I will have to leave my little girls every day because as you say, "there is no way to recapture this."
I'm echoing Tammy's comment above. Pregnant with my second, I've just come to the realization that life again will change with the birth of our next child. Im a little scared, and a little excited. Thanks for capturing the complex emotions of this liminal time in which we watch our families expand. Can't wait to hear Wood's perspective.
I'm with you on the career anxieties, though I loathed the career I left behind. I'm sure you'll find your way when the time comes, given your innate creative abilities.
What struck me here is that you were/are afraid of the unknown: you didn't know any fathers or what fatherhood would be like. You're afraid of the possibility of losing what you have, or of what you might want in the future.
The good news is that you seem quite able to appreciate and enjoy the moment right now.
jim, if you're anything like my husband, wood is finally getting even. and i would recommend buying stock in the makers of gas-x the way we've been using them. if you think the end result is bad, try enduring the bloating and discomfort of gas as it battles with your damn offspring for room in a tightly packed space to begin with. it's a horror.
i'll echo tammy and kathryn up top, my anxiety over how this all will turn out is only relieved by the comfort of our friends who assure us that the crazy love we have for #1 (which inspired the desire for #2) only multiplies. as does the overall crazy, but, eh, we can handle it.
Our Number Two is due in three weeks and I'm terrified about the changes it will bring, but also excited that our family is growing and what adventures that will bring.
The last few weeks A has been extra cuddly, extra affectionate. I wonder if he, too, senses the imminent change and is trying to savour our last few days together as is. It's bittersweet.
From what you reveal on this blog, you are doing more than just a fine job at fatherhood. Juniper and Number Two are very lucky kids.
We've had #1 and #2 close to each other, which has meant that I've done not much more than go to work in between mat. leaves and do the minimum required; my partner Al gave it all up to be a SAHD. Lots of fears about what it would do to our careers but as we come out of the difficult first year of having two kids (and it is HARD) we've got a much better vision of what we want to do in our work lives. I guess part of the unwrapping means we get a chance to re-wrap in more interesting ways. Plus, with self-funded retirement, we'll be working till we're 85 so five or six years in hiatus doesn't mean so much anymore.
Thanks for reminding of how precious time is today...I was having a real shitty day until reading this.
Kudos to you for letting yourself go along with the current of your heart and letting it take you where it may. I think it's the hardest and bravest thing one can do. Sometimes the brain puts up so many dams that we tend to just forget.
My golly, you capture that feeling to perfection. The evolution of fear and other emotions when you become a parent are overwhelming and amazing and you nailed it.
What a poignant post. You are SuperDad, and you will never regret this time. Not to mention you are too damn witty/smart/talented/opinionated to ever lose you a chance at doing anything you ever wish to embark on, career wise.
Best of luck to you and Wood in the coming weeks. The very best thing about Baby #2, IMO, is the complete comfort zone you fall into immediately after birth. Truly, it was bliss. No stumbling or fumbling or 'what the hell should i do?' moments, and we were full of them the first go around. Things are never perfect, of course; sleep deprivation can be a bit to get used to once again, especially when they both - gasp - wake in one night (which, honestly, I have found has happened only like five total times in four years with all three of our super-young kids, thank God). But the anxiety level - not so much there. And that, Internet-friend, is peaceful. Peace to you both, and Big Sister to Be...
re: "Ah, parenthood. Such a delightful mindf*ck. "
ROFL! It so totally IS.
Dutch, you echo ( though more fluently) the way I feel. I congratulate your new chapter in life!
A wonderful post Dutch. You probably know that your thoughts are not necessarily unique to men, but they are nevertheless different and fresh and heart-warming and very HUMAN.
I don't know how to articulate what I feel when I read your words, but I will say this: you make me feel happy about knowing that there is someone like you out there. Thank you for putting yourself out in cyberspace. Can't wait to see more of you and your growing family in the upcoming years....
"I knew that part of my fear with the initial pregnancy was the loss of my self. I had lived so many years bent inward, thinking only of what I could accomplish, defining myself by my career and my aspirations. That's what I was taught to do anyway, wrap my identity so tightly around what I was accomplishing and where it would lead that I somehow came to believe all that stuff was actually who I really was, or that such concerns would lead to eventual happiness."
I can't tell you how much these sentences pinpoint exactly why I am scared to become a mother. Thank you for your words and letting me know letting go of my intense focus on what I achieve as an individual, and as an attorney can be a wonderful and more rewarding experience.
Touché. Lately, I have been having many thoughts about loss of self, career, and motherhood as well. The last sentence pretty much sums it up for me too; I can relate. You put a lot of my thoughts in words so well.
Awesome post. As a new parent of just 18 days, I am one of those still wearing the breastmilk-laden pajamas at 1pm, with guests arriving any minute. And it's scary, and it's an incredible amount of work, and I could burst into tears at any second because I'm still so emotionally fraught from the experiences of the past few weeks - but I love it.
When I told my supervisor at work I was pregnant with my second child he shook his head and said, "Oh. Having two is three times the work." And I thought "What an asshole-ish thing to say. How could that possibly be true?" Months later, while I was bawling my eyes out in a post-partum haze I realized he was right. And I said out loud to my husband, "What have we done?!"
But...you manage. You really do--otherwise people wouldn't have more than two! It helps that you're much more laidback and confident with the second.
Best of luck to you three!
I'm pretty sure I can't add anything to something so well written. So I'll just say that you make me want to be a father.
I'm sure I'm the thousandth person to tell you this (and I look forward to posts that will beautifully articulate it), but the intensity of the tenderness and heartache you feel for your first when your second is born is something I could never have anticipated. Six months into #2, that's what I remember. That, and the quiet satisfaction of knowing what you're doing with a newborn. It's just a whole big messy love story. I can't wait for you guys to experience it.
This such a timely post for me. Our 2nd is 20MO (1st is 4.5YO) and #2 is in the middle of the toddlerdom that is SO. MUCH. FUN. She's still small enough that her tantrums are controlable, "cute" and funny. And because she's still so small the quirky personality that has been showing itself amazes us daily.
Like all parents I wondered how I could ever has as much love for #2 as I did for #1. How it could ever be nearly as much fun and OMG what were we thinking? We're ruining such a good thing we have going here. Now, I worry some days that I might love #2 too much.
Lately, I've been bugging my husband for #3. I'd NEVER considered having more than two, but that's how much fun we're having.
It'll be hard, have no doubt, but you'll have trouble remember exactly what it was that you were concerned about losing.
Thanks for sharing such beautiful thoughts.
Just to add my little experience -- we found #1 to be such a world-inside-out-turning experience that having #2 seemed like a piece of cake.
Before the birth I experienced the same-ole wondering about how I could love this new/stange child as much as I love my first, and like everyone else I found the love happened overwhelmingly naturally. The difficult part for me was the loss of my first as the centre of my universe. In fact, it was heart-rending, and I am still grieving for that loss. It's hard for me to even write about. I think I try too hard to make her feel as though she hasn't lost my exclusive attention, when of course she has, and so our relationship is strained in some ways. Kids can tell when you're trying too hard. It's killing me.
You can send me the bill for this session, thanks.
(Having said all that, it's still wonderful, just that that is the hard part for me. Something nobody warned me about.)
Love this post.
(P.S. The shack to which we will move in a few weeks is next door to the house of one of the members of the Kronos Quartet. The landlord said he practices all the time, providing us with continuous soulful string background music as the soundtrack of our new life without Ichiro for the next year and a half.)
My pregnancy w/ # 2 has passed by in a blur marked with a renovated (non-usable) kitchen over Christmas, Tim running our little GTI into a curb (non-usable) and the sweet promise of walks in 50 degree weather. I can relate to Wood just wanting the baby in my arms and am trying not to freak out too much about my friend's ominous warning that 2 "aren't twice as much work, it's 100 times as much work!!!". I keep thinking, "well, maybe for you..." When spring comes this will all seem funny...
T
and I danced until 2am recently and was not tired! Today the bathroom at the Portage library smelled so much like sourcrout I almost had your collard green experience without the 5 beers...
aw, that was really touching.
i just told my husband he should read your stuff.
I've been reading you guys for over a year now on and off. Congrats on the soon to be arrival!!
Eh, you just made me cry. My oldest is 14 going on 15 and all I can think about is I only have 3 1/2 years left. I had him young, he wasn't planned, and we definitely weren't prepared. He's been with me my entire adult life and now I know no matter how much advance notice I get, I can never be prepared for him to leave. So let me enlighten you...they'll ruin you forever. 
Two is hard but they play together and you find that you get your time back - My second is now 2 1/2 ad I have been home with them now for 5 years.
They have given me a creative drive that I never thought I had and a cofidence in my own abillity that I don't think I would ever have got from working.
I now run my own company from home, you will find a new way to work from what you learn now. good luck with it all
Gorgeous!
Jules
House of Jules
Amazingly beautiful. I am speechless and hooked. You have a new reader!
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