It makes me so sad to think that your Mom doesn't fully understand what you're doing. I know it's probably a generational thing, but still.
My Mom used to cut out the announcements out of the local paper, too. Almost all of the people stayed in our small town, or if they moved, just on to a a little larger of a small town. The real "successful" people never had their announcements in the paper.
I'm so thrilled that Juniper is now tearless! That happened so quickly. Good for her and good for you.
I'm like Wood, having fallen for a senstive poet instead of burly brute. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh, Dutch, I'm so sorry that some people do or try to make you feel bad for your choices. I think your life is beautiful.
word.
Having been on the fast track for years and then getting off to help with family (with me, it was aging parents), i feel that it was a good approach. Could i have found other help, while i made more money and be deemed more "successful"? Sure. But i would have missed out on the important moments that make connections and life meaningful. Sad for the person who deems their best life accomplishment as assistance with a corporate merger. I'm happy knowing that i was able to ease my aging parents into situations where they were comfortable and where i was able available as needed. Life is short and you will treasure those times with Juniper and "he/she who is yet to be born or named".
Oh, the hometown paper announcements! I know them well. I've always been very tempted to send in a picture of myself laughing with the caption "Keira did not just graduate with honors, or get engaged, or have brilliant children, or get a lucrative promotion. But she wanted to let you know that she's very happy and she hopes to never see any of you again."
Dutch - I'm sorry your family said that. Don't let it get to you. You're one of the best dads that I could ever imagine and that's worth far more than anything else that I can think of at the moment.
I think it takes a real man to be man enough to be a SAHD. I only wish I made enough $ for my husband to be one. I think the world is a better place because of all the SAHDs out there. Carry on.
Bravo!! You fucking ROCK!!
I love this post inside and out. Everything you write is so relatable to me as a spouse and a parent. Dude, you are a mega-stud! And by the way, Baryshnicrotch? Ha!
Dutch, you're more of a man than you give yourself credit for. Much more.
For all the great thoughts and writing you put out here - I'm glad we readers can give back in some small way to say you are awesome. I think you know that, but I understand the power family has to wound and sow doubt. So with the Feist video - are you and Wood her backup dancers that carry her around on your shoulders?
That made me tear up a little bit.
Of course I've been having a stressful stay-at-home week...
I don't really know how to express my thoughts on this. I think it is really hard to be educated and have (some) people ever respect you for your choice to stay home and put that education to use raising your children. I am sorry that for you that "some" is your own family 
I have a lot of respect for you.
Keep on keepin' on!
Remember your mother is old school. Life just isn't like that anymore. A stay at home dad now a days is the manliest profession out there. It takes a real man to be able to care for a child.
I love that you taught Juney the dance steps to 1234. I can just see her doing them. That is adorable!! We need a video of it!!!
I stopped keeping track of what people from my childhood do and have achieved a long time ago (and luckily my mum doesn't care). I like what I do and who and where I am despite what other people think.
That really sucks that your family tries to make you feel bad about what you're doing with your life. I think what you're doing is awesome and I'm glad you know that.
Would you have any salient advice, then, for women looking to snag a househusband? Always inspiring to know you exist, but to those women who relate to Wood's insistence that the cute shoes and the good work are worth it, you seem like a vague, sweet-smelling gaseous element of the blogosphere.
"sometimes the only cure for feeling like less of a man is to watch another man dance"- awesome line.
----
hope I am not repeating myself, I tried to comment another time with this sentiment but I think I got sidetracked and never posted it.
I am amazed at the gift you get to raise your daughter full time- it's a gift very very few fathers have the opportunity to experience and will never have the change to go back and try it again later, when their careers are more stable or whatever time might feel more convenient for them. It's a priceless gift - you are her best friend and you know her so well. the teaching moments parents get to make the best impressions are never timed well or when you think they will be, they rae the little corners of the day they ask questions out of the blue and you get to be the one to answer them. with your unique perspective and passion. you are filling her with you every day and you know that's way more important that the legal work you walked away from. you don't need to prove that to anyone, not even family how important and valuable that is.
I find myself torn on hard days about that little career I walked away from and how hard I worked to get where I was and the recognition, pay checks, etc. But I have never regretted that decision. And I hope someday my husband and I can trade places so he gets to feel the joys (and hard days cos they are just part of it) of being home for the kids and stealing those little moments when he sees letters on the pavement and knows his colors and shapes out of nowhere and to be the first to hear it just rocks.
you're awesome for being home with her. it makes you the kind of man so many regret not being later in life. think of how many times we hear old people say 'enjoy it, they grow up fast'- you actually get to.
Keira, I love that.
Dutch, I keep writing and deleting.. I can't seem to straighten out the many feelings and the admiration the sprung up from this post.
As a woman (despite being hormonally castrated thanks to breastfeeding), I can tell you there's nothing in the world more appealing than the sight of your baby daddy revelling in the sprouts you made together.
I'll take that over an absent but societally "successful" fancy-pants yaley anyday.
Go, Dutch!
As always, so well written.
What sets you apart, Dutch, is that you choose to live the life you do. You weren't laid off, or fired, or forced into staying home for some other reason. You had that job in the newspaper clippings but you have chosen to put it all aside (or on hold). That is perhaps the finest gift you will ever give your daughter and future baby. Maybe someday your Mom will realize this. If not, you are lucky, because you already do.
This entry pissed me off so much because it's so familiar. The things your mom and grandpa said are the kinds of things my husband's family and friends throw at him, too. But you and all the other commenters have really expressed it well: they're old-school. Parenting really is a manly job. And a real job, for crying out loud.
Also, Keira, great idea! I might steal it.
I know that your family loves you, so I won't knock them. But know this: if my son were to choose to stay home with his children I would be more proud than on any day he spent in a courtroom.
I, too, have a family that doesn't 'get' my choices in life ... it has often left me feeling like I've been thrown down the stairs .. constantly let down. by the people who are supposed to love me no matter what.
I have always wanted to be a parent but I can't help but worry about this family thing ... it can be such a hurtful arrangement. And I don't buy that 'they're old school' crap. I've often wished that I was raised by wolves instead .... how do you deal, Dutch?
wow, I sound so bitter .. I just wish that my experience with my parents wasn't so conditional.
What is it with parents and newspaper clippings?? My Dad sends me clipping and paper excerpts all the time. It drives me mad I tell you! I also like Keira's idea...bet my Dad wouldn't pass that one on. I think it is so amazing you are staying home. You kids will love you for it, that is all that matters.
So, what's the daycare trick? We're not there yet. At all. On Tuesday I said, "You can do, it, Budsy!" He sobbed, "No! No I can't! I can't, momma! I can't" as he clung to me. I went to work covered in snot and tears. I guess the good news is the potty training is going well. Remember that story you told me? About the guy who's mother tickled his penis to make him go? Do you have any idea how entirely mortified I am to touch my kid's dick for fear that I might be "tickling" it?? Thanks for that, man.
I once met Baryshnicrotch and he's, like, four feet tall and seven pounds. I even have a picture of us together and it's humiliating. He made ME feel like a man.
Now she's got the Feist video down, you need to teach her the dance for "A Million Ways" by OK Go (though maybe wait til the new baby comes, because you'll need four of you for that.) My brothers and sister and I learned it one Christmas and did a show for our parents. And I mean, like, LAST Christmas, not when we were children or anything.
"The other day I was sitting on the floor playing with my daughter and my niece, singing some made-up song about pigs and I heard my mother sarcastically say across the room: "Yep, that's my son. I'm so proud."
I think she's just jealous.
Video of 1,2,3,4 please!
from another over-educated SAHparent to another, all i can say is: yes. and i know i've already told you that pnuts daddy would gladly choose an empty sack to stay home with her. so, there's that.
keira et al, i actually READ something like that in one of my recent hs alumni magazines, where people are asked to drop a note to update everyone on their lives. only b/c i knew the girl so well back then did i know that it was BS, in the sense that she had written that she *had* found incredible success (or at least what some folks would define the term as). she said she had married someone in high society, had a fabulous corporate career, 8 or 9 kids, real estate around the world, etc. etc. it was hysterical! i still can't believe that the editor didn't get the joke.
and, way to rock preschool, juney! you give me hope.
nothing but bonfires, please adopt me into your family. i'm serious. i could so do the ok, go song with you guys!
kat, if i didn't live at home i suspect my parent would still be sending me clippings. while i couldn't care less about the contents, i loved it, and saved most of them, just to be reminded one day of how much they thought about me and loved me and wanted to stay connected to me after i had moved away. my inlaws could go literally weeks with no contact with their kids and to me that is so sad.
If it makes you feel any better, you can blame all of it on America. My husband is Swedish and a SAHD (we live in the Detroit area now). In Sweden, fathers get 6 months paternity leave and many of my husband's friends extend that 6 months into years by taking just a few days per week and splitting the child care with their wives. Nobody over there bats an eye when they hear about our situation.
Confession: between you, me, and the 75,000 others who read your site, I was laid off a couple of months ago and have spent the summer as a SAHD. I'll fully admit to lacking the balls to tell my parents and my in-laws, as I didn't feel like dealing with their particular brands of hysterical, judgmental bullshit. I'm not sure they'd get that this has, despite the fear of running out of money and being shipped off to a Debtor's Prison in Australia, been the best summer of my adult life. Being able to spend these days with my kid and my wife...it's been revelatory.
As for your parents/grandparents, a suggestion: build a giant, to-scale model of Devil's Tower in your basement. That'll give 'em something to talk about.
The ability to ignore your mother while she tries to get a rise out of you is a very fine and manly trait. Practically a super-power.
There is nothing more chivalrous than a man who sacrifices his own interests for those of his family. End of story.
Wood and Juniper know how lucky they are. What's that quote? "Nothing is so strong as gentleness and nothing is so gentle as real strength." And you're happy. I second the person who pointed out you chose this life for yourself. So few people get to do that, and enjoy it.
i second sweetsalty. i stay at home with my daughter and have gotten more than my fair share of this: 'i just feel like your talent/degree is being wasted'. on raising the next president/artist/SAHM/housepainter/roofer/lawyer/
thespian (i hope not the first or last, but whatever)?! i beg to differ.
and yet it still bothers me that friends and family members say this stuff to me. sadly, i am too immature to say anything but a big fuck you to the haters. my time worrying about it would be better spent watching gary cooper, too. i appreciate your grace, dutch. i'll try to work on mine.
Thank you for sharing your feelings about your current role as stay-at-home dad. Change in identity is challenging, to say the least. I appreciate your perspective.
you know, purely from an economic standpoint, the fact that there are so many lawyers and so few (and even fewer good) SAHDs should impress your family. It's the most exclusive position of all.... much more exclusive than Yale or med school 
.
That said, it's obvious that you already know what a good thing you're doing. keep up the good work.
Dutch, I fell a bit in love with you today. Not because you are a stay at home dad, not because of your fabulous writin' stylin's, and not because you are so sensitive and kind-seeming (having never met you, I can only infer from the aforementioned writin' stylin's).
I love your honesty. It is easy to pretend like everything is great and you are 100% fulfilled by the life you have chosen. But so many people have those days, where they hear the snickery comments and take them to heart and start to question their existence.
I just want you to know how much I appreciate you sharing those moments with us.
I may have commented here before that the first year of my life (and this is in the early 70's) my dad stayed home and my mom worked until he got such a ration of shit from his dad he went back to work. I am sad tht your family isn't more supportive and it shouldn't be a struggle or a fight to be respected for this choice but I guess it is; it shouldn't even be an issue. I hope it gets easier as time oes on: I think you are doing a great thing!
You know, my dad is dying right before my eyes right now and I look at him and realize I never knew him. He was the big corporate mucky-muck back in the day. I never saw him as a kid. Now he is going to die and I can't say to him "remember when we did this or this or this?" In fact when I took him out for Father's Day after he got his terminal diagnosis, I wanted to talk to him about those kind of things. All he wanted to tell me was stories about how he was cock-of-the-walk back then. Look what you are giving Juney -- a lifetime of saying "remember when we did this or this or this?" That's worth more than newspaper clippings or snide comments any day.
1) My mother-in-law marginalizes me every year in her Christmas Newsletter. "X is running the Marketing Department at Very Important Cosmetics Company, Y is again Salesman of the Year, Z is going strong as he pursues his degree at Super Advanced University, and Sheila is still changing diapers."
2) Love the use of the word outmaneuvered in Paragraph Two. Like writing, parenting well is the best revenge.
the fact that you were sitting on the floor singing a made up song about a pig says it all!!! that you are a wickedly good Dad. Keep it up!
I've just been reading you blog for a few months, but it seems to me that your a damn good man! It takes more balls to love a 2 year old well than... well anything else I can think of. This is sappy...but your posts have encouraged me in my own parenting. You have the guts to do the right thing for your daughter and don't care what others think. Now I have to run to teach my daughter that Feist 1234 dance.
I never thought I'd see it, but here it is -- the only instance when it works and fits and just seems natural to call Steve McQueen a pussy. Well done.
Teach her the closing choreography for Little Miss Sunshine and I'll really be impressed.
Mike
Yeah... That's really a bummer that your mom & grandpa aren't supportive. If only they realized what a wonderful early childhood Juniper is getting... Reading your stay-at-home dad entries, I only hope I can be that good of a stay-at-home mom when I have kids someday.
I'd say, real men cry. sing silly songs. change diapers. and have a irreplaceable influence on their fortunate children.
I've mentioned my envy of you before but my husband also feels the same envy.
But then he is the one with the kid on the floor.
Every guy I know is on the floor with the kids singing about the pigs. The other guys seem like meathead frat boys who are bitter before their time and we pity them.
Still, I could see Steve McQueen doing the singing dad thing. In between car chases.
I wonder if your family would be saying the same things about Wood if she were the one staying home? Even though she also has a law degree and interesting career? So much ingrained sexism--although I think our generation is slowly getting over that.
I get frustrated frequently with our lack of funds, and know my family really doesn't get why we do what we do, why we trade money for family time and why one or both of us doesn't get a more lucrative job. Although it's not like I passed up some rich guy to marry my husband anyway--never liked those types, always fell for the sensitive and/or creative sorts. The night I met him he told me he'd just finished going back to school for his social work degree, after working as an accountant and hating it. I practically started making out with him right then.
Frustrated as I am, much as I wish we had money to do whatever and not worry so much, I would rather have my goodhearted SNAG than a go-getter business type who brings home enough money for me to buy whatever I want --and thinks that's enough.
And that's leaving aside the enormous gift you're giving Juney by having this time with her. I have always had a wonderful, close relationship with my father and some of my best childhood memories are of doing the kind of things with him you do with her. It's meant so much to me through my life and still does.
Nice post. Nice imagery. Yesterday sounds like a great day at preschool. I love those extra confident mornings at school. You gotta teach her to tear a newspaper:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f...h?
v=fFJrV3pI5Zs
I remember the first time I saw that newspaper bit. Breathless.
I also just remembered that Gene Kelly dropped out of law school to start teaching dance before hitting broadway.
It is a mark of maturity and adulthood, when one is able to separate from the self which their parents have always lain upon them, without really having disdain for the parents in particular. Sure, they are "wrong" in their assessment of the value of your choices. But at some point, if you are lucky, you grow to be able to sit with their lack of acceptance/praise, feed yourself in that regard, and continue to love them anyway. Making unconventional choices always exposes us to the disapproval of others. There are many of us who stay at home with a child who sneer at those who choose to work instead - they just don't feel the disapproval nearly so much because we're not assholes most of the time and pour on the guilt trip at a social gathering. "When was the last time you sat on the floor and played with your child? Wow, hope he comes home to see YOU at Christmas when he's 24..."
Frustrating and painful as it may be not to have your family's support, you already know the value of what you're doing. You were blessed with the vision to see the picture you're hoping to paint. Part of the fun of breaking from the pack is you are somewhat immunized against others' judgment and ridicule by that innate knowledge. But it does suck a bit. My "elders" are still shaking their heads at us and giving us the knowing looks, though a couple of them are starting to get honest about having a touch of envy. Of course, if they could see our credit card debt they'd be all blown up with self righteousness again.
My daughter can do about half of the moves from the Feist video. Maybe we can start a daughter/father dance troupe.
Don't let anyone get you down and tell you you're less of a man.
Read this with envy. You have it all and someday when you look back it will be the best years of your life. You make all the dudes in my era look like pussies. Cause we are compared to you.
Oh, Dutch. . . you are such a rockstar of a dad! Juniper is the luckiest girl in the world!
I will send you $20 if you post a video of you and Juniper doing that dance. Hell, I'll make it easy - just Juniper.
Ditto Tami in NY.
You rock. Your mother will catch on sooner or later.
I know this isn't a nice thought, but I have a feeling your mom will be happier with your choice to stay at home when she is old and sick and you help take care of her instead of being at the office 100 hours a week and too busy to call.
Tell them all to go screw themselves. It takes a far bigger man than the lawyerly types who hide in their office during the week, only to perhaps "babysit" their own children for an hour on Saturday morning (while Mom is out madly doing the grocery shopping, natch), only to eagerly hand them over to mom at the first tear/smell/need.
What you do, every day, and in so many amazing ways (Feist? 1-2-3-4? Simply awesome) takes way bigger nads than all the stockbrockers/lawyers/doctors in the world.
Awesome entry.
It can be so tough to deal with that kind of noise from your parents. My husband takes similar stuff from his mom. Whenever he gets the opportunity to do something really cool outside of work (teach a class, direct a play, sit on a board), her reaction is always the same: "I hope you're getting paid for that."
PLEASE GOD do not let me do that to my future kids.
There is nothing more sexy than a man taking care of the kids or running a vaccuum sweeper. To me, that's foreplay.
OK. As is often my wont, I have to stick up for working parents. So often these discussions devolve into "Staying home is the best choice for everyone; working parents never see their children and don't care about them." Come on, that can't be true. You can't mean that. Surely Wood has not chosen to ignore Juniper and Juniper II just b/c she's working. The choice is not always between working 100 hrs/wk and not working at all.
I know many of you must just mean to support Dutch and say that it's great he's having a wonderful experience doing what he's doing - and it IS - but too frequently the comments come out sounding really judgmental, condemning and condescending toward parents who don't (and maybe can't, or maybe don't want to, or whatever) stop working and stay home.
when I was sitting there looking over those hometown newspaper announcements, I did have this overwhelming feeling that I'd gotten so wrapped up in this lifestyle and all the positive support I get from the wonderful community of people who read this site, that maybe I've lost
track of what I once wanted to be because this blog thing can kind of become an echo chamber where alternative perspectives are marginalized or ignored.
Then I remembered that what I had always wanted to be was someone who wrote things on his own terms that people actually read. now I have that. for me, lawyering was the compromise. writing 40-page briefs on the application of in pari delicto doctrine to the trustee of a bankrupt company was not what I had dreamed I'd be doing 12 years ago. I don't think anyone is saying that working parents are bad parents. My guess is that many of the parents who read this site are working parents who are happy with what they are doing. I am happy with what I am doing, and although some insecurity came out in this post, that's because most people(including my family) have not completely accepted the idea of a man doing what I'm doing, especially a man who left a high-paying job to do it.
I am grateful I have found a community of people online who appreciate and understand why I have made this decision. And I am almost certain that no one feels that those "who don't (and maybe can't, or maybe don't want to, or whatever) stop working and stay home" are bad parents, even if you perceive that tone in the comments. As you suggest, there is a whole range of options for people today. By writing this post, I was simply trying to do my part in making it more acceptable and easier for men to stay home and let their working spouses be who they want to be and still be the wonderful mothers they already are.
That is too bad that people analyze your actions and try to change your decisions... like you are still a little boy.
You could try talking to your mom about how she made you feel. Not to justify your decisions or anything like that, but to show her that her comments and actions have some impact on you. She may not be aware (not that I know what/how she is like)... many times people forget that their words and actions may sting another and need a little reality check.
Whatever you do... I am sure you and your family will be happy. Good luck and keep on truckin'!
You. Are. So. Fucking. Cool.
Dutch, YOU ROCK!
When I was growing up my mom and dad worked opposite shifts and it was my dad who was home with me in the mornings and got me off to school. So he wasn't a SAHD per se, but as close as we were going to get to one. Over the years they alternated who worked days and who worked afternoons or midnights, for a while mom worked part-time too, but with a nurse for a mom she put in a lot of weekends at work. I think that my sisters and I had a different (better) kind of relationship with our dad than our friends had with theirs. Last year I was in a "mommy and me" group with a dad doing the same - working nights and taking care of his two little girls all day. He was worried that they weren't getting what they needed from him and that he should just put them in a preschool. I tried to tell him that was nonsense, that being there for them at this point in their lives would make a huge difference in their lives, but I don't think he really got what I was trying to say, and it's a shame.
I know a lot of people who work at a job they hate to make a second income they don't really while their kids in day care all day and the kids barely see their parents more than a couple of tense hours a day and I feel sorry for everyone involved. I will probably take some flack for that remark because not all two-income households are living in a 3000 sf house and partying on their boat all weekend. Some people do it just to get by and I understand that. I am a SAHM who used to be a rocket scientist. Many, many people including my ex-boss, some of my ex-co-workers, and my own sisters don't understand my choice to give up my career. We chose a tiny condo in a kind of seedy neighborhood and a used car and I even gave up my shoe habit in order for me to be able to stay home. We will probably never have the sailboat or the vacation home or even another brand new car ever, but, as any other SAH parent will tell you as well, it is 120% worth it.
There's a great bumper sticker: men who change diapers change the world
I think metrodad has that phrase trademarked.
dutch, i just read your comment above and it reminded me- i always wonder how the WOTH moms (spouses) of the SAHD's feel, in the sense of, do they feel sort of resentful being the one bringing in the majority of the income, or is it more an equality thing and you are kinda glad to be using that part of your brain again, hopefully in a position you find fulfilling? maybe it's both.
i wonder this because 1. i wonder if those spouses get as much flack as their SAH counterparts, and 2. do they eventually feel that pull, the one you always described so well back when you guys lived in SF- when you would spend so much of your day yearning to be home instead? i know this isn't making much sense, but i guess i wonder what happens when the WOTH moms resent being away from their kids as much as so many dads these days do? do we all move to sweden?
Thanks for the thoughtful response, Dutch. What I am reacting to is this genre of smug (not from you) implications and assumptions that activities related to raising children are the most fulfilling/worthwhile, or only fulfilling/worthwhile, activities we can carry on - that no one in their right mind could possibly ENJOY the working world, and that everyone, if given the chance, would quit working and spend all their time at home with their children. I get that vibe fairly frequently when people are trying to be supportive the choices of people to stay home with their children. They may not mean it, but they end up sounding like they're declaring that raising children is the only important achievement you can have.
I mean, when I read a comment that says, "if my son were to choose to stay home with his children I would be more proud than on any day he spent in a courtroom"....well, I wonder how I'm supposed to interpret that. What if he's doing valuable work he loves in a courtroom? Personally, I consider my work as a lawyer and writer not just what I do to fill the time I have on my hands not having a child. I want to do it; I enjoy it; it's part of who I am. And no, I am not locked up in an office 24-7 with no human connections. I have wonderful friends and family and am in a committed relationship. But I love bank regulatory work. What can I say??
Anyway, I read your blog because it's entertaining, and I know you from the real world and like you; but I don't have children and don't ever plan to (some regular readers of this blog probably think I'm the outcast spawn of Satan because of that, LOL). I don't feel that YOU personally are acting all high and mighty. I enjoy reading about your adventures. I just want to say to readers that there are different perspectives out there, and that it's possible my life isn't worthless just b/c I don't have children. And my parents spent a LOT of time with me growing up, even though they were both working as lawyers. So it can be done. It's not inevitably a choice between working 24-7 at a soul-sucking, meaningless job and picking dandelions 24-7.
I think it was rather mean of your mom and grandpa to insinuate that you are some kind of loser for staying home with your daughter.
I'm going to delurk for a moment to second all the positive comments everyone else has left. Just because you made the decision to stay at home with your daughter doesn't make you less of a man. I think it makes you a more well-rounded man actually. More families should have the guts to do what yours has--make decisions based on what is best for their situation and the people involved, not what has been pounded into our heads by cultural/societal standards. Screw them! Your family rocks!
Wow. What a post. And so many cool, thoughtful comments too. This lurker feels compelled to share this story:
Five years ago, I was just out of school for the second time and unable to find work in my new field. It took me a long time to accomodate to the feeling of "not doing enough" with my life, or this feeling that I was a bad person somehow for not working or for not "gutting it out" on a path that wasn't working (as my parents would prefer). Then I hit a wretched midlife transition on top of that. So painful. Eventually, I started pursuing what was fulfilling rather than what was lucrative. I found that my perspective and priorities shifted. I currently follow several paths at once and "follow the joy." Now I'm more at peace with myself. I refuse to get drawn into trying to justify what I do or don't do. It really sucks, though, to get flack from friends or family or anyone who tries to hold you to some "ideal" of theirs. Many kudos and kisses to you for following your own path.
We just moved to one of those small towns that actually publish the kinds of stories your mom clips out. But it is so bend-over-backwards to be kind (or just a little nutty) I wouldn't be surprised if I were to read about a new SAHD and his exciting new choices, written in the same tone as if one of their own just became the attorney general.
The at-home parenting thing is tough. I hadn't considered teaching my kids dance moves. Oh how much time has been lost.
Ten bucks says the mothers of those other guys in your class chided to them about you when you were getting married, living in San Francisco, and being a big shot lawyer (or whatever it was). You can never win. So keep dancing with your kid if you can afford and get away it and it makes you, your daughter and your wife happy. Midwestern mothers on a whole should be well known for their bark and bite. Besides, what else are they going to talk about over coffee at fellowship? Bunions?
Just think of all the feminists who demonstrated their asses off in the "second wave" so that men would just participate in (no less take pride in) the child-rearing. THEY are proud of you.
And I'm inspired. Keep up the good work, and Sara too.
I saw what happened on your flickr pics and was sickened again by the fact there are so many idiots out there who like to steal and even moreso, steal pictures of children. I don't have a flickr account and that is reinforced by stories of why I don't want one and why I never show headshots of my children. You did an awesome thing and in my book are not a dick for doing so. You're a daddy. And like any parent, you are out to protect your little jewel of a girl from weirdos and the alike.
Love. This post. All of Bossy's friends, by the way, are successful authors. Well, one friend is a successful author, which frankly is one friend too many for anyone.
I am so sad to think that people are giving you a hard time for making one of the most difficult choices in life. Deciding to stay home is hard enough for a mother and I knew it must be tough for a father but find it difficult to understand that your own family wouldn't see what a wonderful thing you are doing. Juniper is so lucky to have such loving parents and especially such an amazing father who is happy to spend time with her teaching her things she might not learn otherwise. I wish more men were confident enough to do this. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about your choice!!
liz from law school drew out part of what i am wrestling with (and admittedly expressed pretty poorly).
see, i totally get that for many people, if they have the choice, they choose NOT to stay home with their kids when they are tiny. i'll admit there is a small mean-spirited part of me that thinks "why did you have children if you just want to pay others to raise them?" and there is another part of me that respects the fact that at least they know who they are, and know they don't want the SAH gig, and hopefully it makes them better parents (i only say hopefully, liz, cause i know lots of folks around here who are too caught up in the ratrace to be checked in to their kids lives. many do work and enjoy it and are great parents also, but too many to ignore who don't, who, IMO, have some pretty warped priorities).
i guess i still wonder what happens to the moms who don't find their work fulfilling, either? b/c i imagine at some point we'll get to that. my husband likes part of his job, but in many ways has settled for it b/c it pays the bills and provides health insurance. i used to be in the same type of job, and it killed a part of my soul. eventually, if i ever stop reading blogs and start finishing my dissertation, i imagine i'll be able to do the kind of work that will be fulfilling, not deadening, and allow him to follow his dreams and allow his soul to flourish.
i suppose the difference is the difference between work and vocation- sorry to use a religious term, dutch- doing what you are called to do, vs. doing what you have to to get by. each individual is called to their own vocation, be it career or service or parenting or care-taking, etc., and the happiest most peace-filled people are doing what they have been called to do. (internal psychological call, external higher power call, mix of the two, whatever you want to define it as).
and liz, i for one certainly do *not* think poorly of anyone who chooses not to have children. in fact, i have more respect for people who know themselves and their vocations, rather than just jumping in the deep end of the pool with no clue why. parenting is the hardest thing i've ever done, and the decision to do it should never be taken lightly. so kudos to you.
"To dance is to fully embrace one's vulnerability."
You dance whenever you write on this blog. You dance as you parent Junie. You dance because you have embraced the life you want to be living.
Don't be daft, Dutch. You're a fucking bad ass.
Aside from the courage I get from your blog to maybe become a parent one day - you also post great new music!!! I have fallen in love with Feist. I need more new music. Posts should frequently have music linked so we can the full sensory experience of your lives (minus poopy diapers of course). :o)
I second what CP just said in the comment above. You're an inspirational parent; reading this, I feel strongly that I can parent my way, with my views, no rights, wrongs, maybes, no worrying about what in laws or old ladies in the street think.
pnuts mama - in response to your question about the wives of the SAHDs, i thought i'd share my story. i'm a working stepmother and my husband stays at home (more part time now than a few months ago, before the child started school.) I got a LOT of flak for it - probably more than my husband did because people perseived it as me letting him get away with something, since his child is not my biological child and i am providing for them both. i am young, and it sure shocked the hell out of people when i chose a father as my partner. the bottom line is that being married and creating a partnership means that you have to do what works for the both of you, and to hell with whatever anyone else thinks. I think that is one of toughest parts of raising a child, as well. To truly set an example by following your own heart and doing what is best for your family, regardless of what others (especially the grandmother) might say.
There ain't nothing sexier than a fun SAHD or a dad who plays with his kids. 'Nuff said.
And Wood, you are a smokin' hot mama.
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