i think pike! and straddle! are part of a greek myth somewhere. point your toes! is definitely in reference to the figures in sculptural ruins.
yes, I didn't think about that. I'll teach her that the original gymasiums were just places for creepy old men to pick out naked adolescent boys for mentoring relationships, if by mentoring relationships you mean lots of anal sex.
that, and that the first vaulting horse was an actual horse, and how they sent maidens down to Crete to vault over horses and bulls and get eaten by the minotaur.
It's all going to work out.
One part hipster high-wire, one part gymnastics nerd:
http://shopstandingup.us
And Tone Loc could be your Morgan Freeman!
Wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes at the humour of this post. "Under-utilized in Hollywood, that Tone Loc." Dutch, you're killing me here.
I especially liked the Cobra Cartwheels. I'm pretty sure a group like that does exist somewhere in Grosse Pointe. I think my daughter might have even ran a cross country race against their older sisters', the Prancing Prepsters, at some point. I recognized the windbreakers and big buttons (although in the Pointes the windbreakers are most likely Prada or Balenciaga and the buttons have platinum clasps)
Ahem, at the risk of revealing myself as a totally creepy ancient Greek pederasty expert, I believe the preferred method for apres-Gymnasium hijinks was the intercrural/interfemoral position.
michelle, I had no idea you were so knowledgeable about the sacred communion of thighs!
maybe you could hold up a sign that says: go juniper! in ancient greek. please god you'll at least post a shot of yourself in a dimly-fluorescent gym with the windbreaker and giant button, when the time comes.
I can't wait to see her little toga-esque Athena-Meets-Aphrodite gymnastics costume.
One word: apparatus! (or do you not remember that Seinfeld episode?)
UM has a good gymanstics team -- generally finishes in the top ten nationally. They've got some great home meets coming up this season with Georgia (#1) and Utah (#2).
http://www.umgym.com/currentseas...n/
schedule.html
Our kids love to go to meets (our son is Juniper's age), and they're very reasonably priced. The seating is comfortable enough for very pregnant women, too, in my experience.
"expressing scorn at whatever is going on with Amanda Borden's hair"
and
"So underutilized in Hollywood, that Tone Loc"
absolutely hilarious.
you know you're in the company of fellow dorks when you go to write a comment about how intercrural sex was the preferred "mentoring technique" amongst the ancient Greeks--and see that a fellow commenter has beaten you to the punch.
chris, we spent three years going to meets at chrysler arena. elise ray was on the team while we were in law school. my wife, who was like seven years older than her, giggled like a 9-year-old every time she saw her. dork.
I've never been able to turn a cartwheel either.
Miss Mussel is a member of the non-cartwheel club as well. All her after-school time was spent playing road hockey with the boys down the street.
Is there an age-appropriate gymnastics class for Juney to take? We put Petunia in a class last fall (just as she turned three) at a special branch of the Arlington Y, and it was real gymnastics with real apparatuses (apparati?) modified for the kids. They had an extension for the rings, ramps up to the horse, assistants to help with the parallel bars, etc. The coaches were all gymnasts themselves, complete with vague eastern European accents. Petunia didn't have the focus for it, but she did enjoy the class immensely.
Merseydotes -- I believe the only classes in the city (or at least the only ones in our part of the city) are taught by me. And I have total crap for equipment in my class, which makes it really kind of awful and age inappropriate for little ones. Preschoolers needs lots of room to roam safely and figure out how their body parts move together, and I've really only got a basketball court with a few panel mats.
Thus, another thing to add to the list of things detroit needs: eastern europeans and lots of gymnastics equipment!
Despite all of that, Juniper has recently perfected a totally bitchin' forward roll (somersault). I'm so proud.
What about including an "as herself" for Kerri Strug in the script? Just like when she accidentally bumped into David Silver on 90210.
I could never do a cartwheel either, which wasn't too much of problem until I went on an exchange to France in grade 11. Gym classes were divided by sex and while the boys got to play soccer, girls had to do a floor routine. I was mortified and received an equally mortifying grade.
Good luck! Maybe Dutch Jr will be into something that will mean less time in windbreakers for you.
to fulfill all my worst nightmares, maybe child #2 will be a male gymnast.
*shudder*
I went to grad school at Univ. of GA where gymnastics is a BIG DEAL. There were fans (usually guys) who were such groupies for these girls. Face painters and the like. Totally bizarre and most definitely nerdy. But hey, we all have things were are dorks for, right? I'll spare you mine...
Dutch, Don't forget the awesomeness that is Ice Tea for you movie. Perhaps he could be the abusive boyfriend of the alcoholic mother.
Wait, you're writing an after-school special?!?
I did gymnastics all through High school...and I used to hear all those jokes about, "Oh...you must be so flexible...hint hint...wink wink..."
Cute post for sure!
William from Poop and Boogies recommended you...and I am enjoying your blog 
Bradley
The Egel Nest
Can I suggest the title "Stick it like Wood" (a la Bend it like Beckham) for your fantasy screenplay?
I had a weird girl-crush on Dominique Moceanu after her Devil Went Down to Georgia floor routine at the '96 Olympics. I can't believe I just shared that with the internets.
Far too many Saturday's of my adolescent life was spent on the road with my family carting my sister around to meets. I am still haunted by the solo piano music for the floor routine - 3 years, and no one thought to change it.
I was hooked after watching a wonderfully bad movie about Nadia Comaneci during the 84 (?) games. I became much too big and bulky to actually perform, but I'll be damned if I still can't turn one helluva cartwheel.
what about adding an element of rhythmic gymnastics to the screenplay. using the ball, ribbon, hoop...now that is worth the $10 i'd spend on the movie.
the gymnastic-themed halloween costume potential for your family is endless. the members only jackets, the wind pants, the unitards and legwarmers and banana clips. sigh.
wood- that is too bad about your equipment. our Y has the same gym/swim program that i went to (with a few of the same teachers!) and pnut loves every damn minute of it- although at this stage they don't really use the big equipment yet, mostly just tumbling and rolling and climbing- a giant toddler obstacle course. i call it baby paris island and get some weird looks. she's not very agile, but what she lacks in grace she makes up for in enthusiasm.
I'm gonna have to chat with Wood sometime. Cuz I too am a former gymnast.
Can Wood, in all her gynamastic wisdom, explain why the hell all the US gymnasts are so squeaky and compact?
Is there some genetic thing that makes them superior at contorting and moving their bodies but also makes them look like Bonzai Kittens recently set free? And the voices??
Amanda Borden's hair? I can't even notice it because I am too busy wondering what Bela is putting in their water.
my best friend & I are the same age as Elise Ray & lived in her dorm freshman year. my BFF, a former gymnast, used to be absolutely giddy whenever she would see her in the halls. only she took it to the next level & found out which room she was in & stole a picture of Elise off her door. yeah, be glad that Wood can only be labeled a "dork" and not a "stalker" as well.
don't be so sure, lara. I'm pretty sure one time wood followed elise ray all the way across the diag.
Have you and Wood read Little Girls in Pretty Boxes? Wood knows I was into gymnastics too, and it wasn't until I read that book that I realized how competitive I am - the book really shook me up.
Damn, I needed that laugh! You had me laughing out loud at work. Must go act busy now. . . .
You forgot about the Mad Trampoline Skills. Max can do a forward roll now and Logan has nearly mastered the flip she taught him.
Also, you must mention how incredibly nice that community center is. Way way way better than the one in Royal Oak or even Birmingham. It's a shame they can't share equipment or hand down stuff.
Can you take video of Logan's flip and post it? I'd be proud of teaching it to him if he weren't such a natural.
and yes, the center is nice, but the gymnastics equipment sucks. Plus people keep writing all over my beam with pen. What the hell?
Oh my gosh- A high point of my life was being up close to Bela Karolyi at the 1996 Atlanta Olympics- I am also a gymnastic nerd.
One place where being 5' is actually an advantage.
. . .stick a landing, if you know what I mean. . .
. . .I have a wife that can treat me like a pommel horse at the end of the day. . .
You made me spew tomato soup out of my nose onto the laptop.
Thanks for that.
I've been reading your site for a while, but I've never commented. But you're cracking me up on this one. Dutch, I'm super sorry to burst your bubble, but your script is a movie already. I'm pretty sure it's called Stick it or Bring it Biotch. Something like that. But it still may sell.
ps. Congrats on the baby boy. I'm really happy for you all.
That "nerdy" gymnast wife of yours is my inspiration on the trampoline. All respect to Wood!
Oh god, Wood should come over and watch that stuff with my roommate Caroline. She went to X-treme summer camp with all those gymnasts, and skaters and BMXers, and it's crazy.
My mom taught me to remember how to pronounce "Comaneci" by how Nadia REACHES for the bar.
Ha, I heard Devil Went Down to Georgia today on the satellite radio and was thinking back on how I watched the US Olympic gymnastics in 1996. I live in Atlanta so it felt like it was in my backyard. I remember major goosebumps when Dominique Moceano did her floor routine to that song, I was so psyched about it. I also remember sobbing like a baby when Keri Strug landed on her injured leg. My roommate was all, huh?
I was always too big and tall to do well in gymnastics but I will always stop to watch if I catch it on tv.
in our house we have an almost identical situation...with the dreaded ballet. i can't even sit through the nutcracker without nodding off -- and apparently that's the one everyone likes.
this was such an educational post. also, i can't do cartwheels either. sigh.
Replace "Tone Loc" with "Sir Mix-a-lot," and I think you have a hit.
I can't do a cartwheel either. I always envisioned my arms giving out and my head cracking open in front of everyone else in gym class. I'd run at full speed up to the mat, then chicken out at the last second and do some weird, bent-legged, aerial crab-wheel sort of thing.
Umm... who's the nerd? I'll admit, I'm also a gymnastics nerd (Could you give Wood my # so we can chat during the next meet?
and I hate it when other people "talk" gymnastics, but I must say, you had all the correct terminology down, man! Brought me out of the woodwork to comment on this post! I went to the 1990 McDonald's American Cup and saw Lance Ringnald... Oh my heart skips a beat just thinking about it now. (I'm pathetic.)
that totally explains one of your pictures in your flickr stream - i think from your road trip last year - where wood is leaping perfectly (and quite high) along some beautiful trail. Perhaps she was a beam champion?
Another gymnastics nerd here! I'm so glad to read that Wood, for whom I have so much respect, is also one, that I came out of lurker-mode. If only my hubby would watch some meets with me--after all, I go to football games!
Unfortunately, although the Pumpkin is only 6.5 months old, she has been in the >97% for height since she was born. It looks like she's going to take after her 6'4" dad and not her 5'2" mom, but I'm still going to let her try tumbling classes.
"Dominique Moceanu after her Devil Went Down to Georgia floor routine at the '96 Olympics"... I remember that so well! My favorite was Kim Zmeskal--after I saw her win the McDonald's American cup in 1990, how could I not be a huge fan!
And love the screenplay, dutch! Too funny!
Another former gymnast here. I met both Tim Dagget and Bart Connor on their post 84 Olympic publicity tours. Oops, did I just give away my age.
The years of gymnsatics were not kind to me, however, leaving me with artritis in several vertbrae.
I'll be keeping my daughter as far away as possible from competative gymnsatics.
You do realize Dominique Moceanu is not all that petite at this particular moment?
see http://www.celebrity-babies.com/...ique-
mocea.html
Dutch, sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.
We don't haaaaahhhhhhhhve aaahhhhccents in Chicahhhhgo.
FUCKING DETROIT! Or fucking Bears. I'm not sure. They break my heart every single year but I'll always remain loyal.
Bossy no likey Teh Gymnasteek.
Homemade watermelon pickles? Are they sour? I am intrigued.
All of a sudden the fact that Wood gave birth without drugs and was such a fucking champ about it is making way more sense! I did gymnastics as a kid (nowhere near the level that Wood did) and that is a sport that is about enduring pain and pushing past it. Hopefully that will come in handy with kiddo #2!
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