Better than asking the not pregnant (but looked it) check out lady at the grocery store when she was due..... I can never go there again.
who is this Jim you speak of?
awww, wood, you can recruit me into your pregnancy cult anytime. 
i would be honored. just make sure the kool-aid is spiked with folic acid.
I just snorted tea out my nose at the coordinated pregnancies because my friends and I totally did that. Anyone not creeped out by that is definitely a keeper.
I'm with ya. None of my friends are in the baby stage -- AT ALL. It'd be nice to have parents to hang around with that weren't...oh, I dunno...ten or fifteen years older than I am.
Oh I've been guilty of the same girl-rule violation (how did we forget the code?). I'm glad it didn't backfire (even as an honest mistake). I almost made a huge snafu with a new girl friend who was just sporting a beer gut - now that would have been a really, reee-lly, big f-up.
Pregnancy is like a cult! Now that I'm pregnant I'm trying to get all of my friends to do the same.
I'd just be afraid to mention pregnancy because you never know what's going on in someone's life as far as infertility, miscarriage, money, timing, etc. Even something said with good intentions can hurt if the topic is already sore. People at my office ask me every Monday morning if I'd eloped over the weekend already and it makes me want to cry.
that's exactly why I was nervous, Leah. I realized after I sent the email that it was dumb, and that since I didn't know her, I had no idea what was going on. I got lucky though -- and she wasn't upset.
Consider me another recruit. I'm about 8 weeks. (SHHH my own mother doesn't even know but I'm pretty sure she ain't reading your site.) I don't know if I'm excited or scared as one has been manageable, but TWO? No more last minute trips, that's for sure. All this typing has made me hungry. I'm going to go get a gyro. Or a cheesesteak. Maybe both.
My husband spends hours on end quizzing his best friend about when he and his wife are finally going to have a baby. His argument is that they've been married for five years already, why wouldn't they want to start a family? I have a hard time convincing him that some people JUST DON'T WANT KIDS AND THAT'S OKAY TOO! He is relentless though. And convinced that eventually, they too will drink the kool-aid.
One other thing to consider, though it doesn't sound likely given what she replied to you in her email, is that your neighbor may have BEEN pregnant with the morning sickness and everything and then dropped out of contact for a week or so because she had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage at twelve weeks last fall after being horribly sick for a month, and it was the most awkward thing in the world to have people asking me for weeks afterward if I was pregnant.
Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I've realized that people don't sometimes consider the idea that someone has recently gone through a miscarriage.
Also, because I was nineteen when I had my first, I had NO friends who were having babies when I was. At 35 my friend's families are just starting to develop. And my teenager is making a killing babysitting for them.
Merseydotes -- perhaps I made too light of this subject in my post, but your example is exactly what was running through my head during the days I didn't hear from her. There's good reason behind the rule never to mention the word pregnancy with someone you don't know well, and even though it turned out all right this time, I won't be breaking that rule so thoughtlessly in the future.
We're all on the recruitment committee. We can't help it.
I try to act like I'm not... but it's hard.
This is so funny because my husband and I were just joking about parent recruitment because we sense that our friends with children are actively trying to get us to join their team. They try to be all sly about it, like, "Sooooo, are you guys thinking about having kids?" and when we say yes it opens the floodgates and we get a speech about "how amazing it is and we should totally do it!" Similarly, our childless friends are equally fervent that we remain on their side.
I was thinking miscarriage, too. Sooo glad it didn't go that way. I'm in the other boat. The unmarried, childless boat (if any of Dutch's friends want to move south, send 'em my way). It seems like everyone around here is joining your cult. I'd happily drink the Kool-Aid if the right guy came along.
I am very against having "rules" for conversation. It is one of the root causes of both anxiety and fakeness. You are a nice person, and would never say anything to intentially hurt a person. And once you start "gaming" or guessing at everyone's motives (i.e. well I should say this, because maybe that-- but then if I say don't say this, maybe they would think that, etc.), you begin to realize that you can never say anything.
Even though I am not in the cult of parenting, nor will be anytime soon, I have been known to bug people about the same sort of thing. (So, are you all gonna have kids or what?). I just like to know what to expect. Which reminds me that I have been wanting to bug one PAS.
Oh, been there, done that. So glad she laughed it off, though. And I am constantly trying to guess whether people are preggo or not!
I've retired from the recruitment committee after far too much clever sleuthing at work. I don't know if it was wishful thinking, but I had every cool young co-worker knocked up in my mind for the last six months. Sadly, no one is drinking the Kool Aid. The only one I haven't tried recruiting was the one who responded to my pregnancy news two years ago with "Oh my god...do you want me to get pregnant too? My husband wants me to have a baby. Can I do it with you? That would be so fun. Who is your doctor? I'll get started right away." Too freaky...the recruitment can backfire!
I have the opposite problem. All my friends have boarded the marriage and baby trains and I'm still standing on the platform wondering exactly what happened. It's all a bit twilight zoneish, really.
So glad it all worked out! Whew!
And we're going to start 'trying' in May so if she or you need a pregnancy buddy, hopefully I'll be able to tag along (if all goes well fingers crossed!). I've wanted to drink the Kool-aid for YEARS!!!!!!!
we missed the kool-aid party when it went around the first time (4yrs ago or so) and just this last time now that all of our other friends are in the newborn-way right now. we're the idiots with the 18month old too little to run with the big guys and too big to look cute sleeping in the swing while we get on with our dinner.
and most of those friends with kids live 5+ hours away, so i hear you on the wish for some like-minded nearby folks who we could relate to and have some companionship with, b/c it is so very tough feeling that loneliness at times. i'm finding my 'recruitment' is more along the lines of searching out places i can bring pnut to be w/ other kids her age and find a mama i like to be friends with- easier said than done.
wood, if this isn't too personal, is everyone you know asking you about juniper's potential sibling yet? for the love of god a day doesn't go by w/o someone asking me when we're having #2, and i'm starting to wonder if it's only me. are they just creepy people trying to vicariously have a sex life through me? did they just really enjoy my puffy face those last few months? or are they trying to tell me something- that these ovaries aren't going to produce viable specimens forever and i'd better get on with it, already? sigh.
and xdm- i'm stiffling the "wait til 12 weeks to acknowledge anything" part of me to say: congrats!
i am 17 weeks pregnant with my first baby and am enjoying the questioning glances i receive from not-in-the-know coworkers as they try to figure out if my bump is truly a baby or just a sign that it is time to switch to lite beer. one man actually asked, "have you had your baby yet?" to which i replied, "uh, nice try, john, but you didn't even know i was pregnant." you'd think he would have noticed it if i had been full-term or on maternity leave at any time since i started working here a year ago.
Bless you for reaching out across the cancelations. It's hard to find folks with whom one can connect--so much the better if they happen to be hurdling similar obstacles and celebrating life in similar ways. Now that I have a two year old, I find it hard to bother with making new friends, even though I want to have new friends. Good night, nurse, I'm tired.
That stuff works, though. I'm totally pregnant again because the woman down the street looked so cute at four months along. And we have friends who are now pining for their second since I mentioned my pregnancy. It's contagious, I tell you.
I'm right there with you on the recruitment comittee, lady.
The next time you see her, ask her if she's ovulating. Women, LOVE that. =)
Isn't is funny how we all pine for our own kind? I'm on the search committee for One and Done™. I pick the playgroup times that are most likely serving families with only 1 child because I need friends who have time to be friends... and when you have more than one, you have less time.
And my One is only 9 months old, so everyone trying to recruit me back to your team keeps telling me that I will change my mind. That she needs a brother as beautiful as she is (like I have the power to determine gender, and the beautiful thing is just creepy). That maybe this time I won't be so insanely sick that I end on barfing bedrest the whooooole pregnancy. Toxemia usually only happens with the first pregnancy! C-sections are easier to recover from when they are scheduled and you don't go through labor and 3 hours of pushing first! After all, every pregnancy is different! Makes me want to stab people in their chipper little larynxes.
See, compared to that, your offense was very very minor. Don't sweat it, and good luck with the ovary voodoo!
I'm one of those recruiters too. I desperately want to talk to the coffeeshop gal who is obviously a few weeks ahead of my 18 weeks.
And if that works out? (the coordinating pregnancies thing) You can breastfeed each other's babies! (or not) And if they're not the same sex (or if they are! who knows!), maybe they'll grow up and marry each other!
[sigh] I so wanted that kind of kinship relationship, but my timing was always off, or the friend-thing went awry. Good luck in yours. But I guess the first step is lunch, after all. You can always bring up the breastfeeding thing on the second lunch.
Don't forget the third rule:
3/ you may have been blessed with a child and pregnancy may seem natural and easy to you, but don't forget that miscarriage happen. Do not assume that pregnancy is always a happy time when you are unsure of the situation of the parents.
Wait for them to make the offcicial announcement, because if you start jumpimg up and down and the pregnancy results in a loss, your attitude might crush them even more.
Now that most of our baby friends are pregnant with #2, I had the idiot sense to congratulate a friend on her growing bump -- at only 9 weeks. Bellies may pop sooner with #2, but I still felt like a complete dingus. Fortunately, my friend has exceptional grace and a good sense of humor, and we laughed it off together as I grappled mightily to extract my size-9 foot from my mouth.
My extension of Dutch's Rule #2 is to ask questions of, but not make observations about, friends who are or might be pregnant, especially when it comes to size and shape questions.
I concieved our third baby to coincide with another friend`s pregnancy (immediately after she saw two lines on her test, hub and I cast the diaphragm to the breeze and I was knocked up one cycle later).
But I, too, have had the experience of people asking me about being pregnant right after a miscarriage -- I always keep this in mind.
Here`s hoping you and your neighbor bond.
If they're late twenties, early thirties, tell them NOW. NOW IS THE TIME. Take it from someone who thought "later" was the correct answer to that question.
I had my children in my late thirties. Turns out I'm one of the lucky ones, because a lot of my friends have had to go through a very hard time to become parents. Plus, it suddenly adds all kind of pressure, which does not help the matter. If they start now, they can be relaxed about it, figuring they can worry in a few years.
Plus! They will have way more energy to be up all night, pick up three year olds, play running games in the park with small children....
Plus! They will have kids who are older and more independent in about 15 or 18 years, when they are still young and healthy and able to resume those stellar careers. Instead of checking out at 40 figuring to drop back in .... at.... 60?
Not that I'm opinionated about this much. Pass her my comment here if you don't want to be blamed.
But in short - the answer is NOW.
My neighbor & good friend and I "coordinated" our pregnancies!!! Is that weird?
I love picturing you on the recruitment committee with a clipboard. And, like, free gifts for the people you sign up! Like at the bank when they try and recruit you for a credit card or something. I'm always a sucker for a free pen. Please don't offer pens; I might not be able to resist.
Oh man, I was also convinced that story ended with a miscarriage. Phew, and I know you've already addressed that issue above. Brooklyn gal sounds nice and I hope you guys get to be friends. I'm guessing if they're having the timing convo, action is not far off. So you all better get scheduling.
This is a little off-topic, but it's marginally related and on my mind since I'm pregnant with our second and did indeed start showing a little sooner this time. I decided to tell people at work the same time I did last time, 14 weeks. But I guess people started wondering because several people flat-out asked me. I found that so weird and wrong. I would never, never, never flat-out ask someone based on their appearance. I guess I don't agree with JessicaRF above and do believe that some things should be thought about and filtered out of conversation. Because I was pregnant, but if I wasn't it would have been so terribly hurtful.
And there seems to be a going wisdom that it's ok to ask when the person is obviously showing, but let me refute that too, because my mother-in-law once asked a woman at Stop & Shop when "the blessed event" (that's what she called it) would happen, and the woman nicely explained that she was suffering from stomach cancer. Holy shit. Talk about foot in mouth.
I think a good rule of thumb is (and I'm not talking about you Wood because your actions were not based on appearance): never ask. Just never ask. Ever. Wait until the person reveals it. No matter what. And the addendum to that is: when someone tells you, the only appropriate response is surprise and delight. Never, "I suspected" or "I thought so." It's simply mean and/or inconsiderate when the person obviously thinks they were pulling it off, and you're all "nope fatty, it's been obvious for ages."
Sorry for the tangent.
If I had gotten that email in the months and years I was trying to get pregnant, I would not have been insulted. If you'd offered your thoughts on why my efforts weren't working, I'd be annoyed, but hopes for pregnancy are meant in good faith. Even at my most testy, I could generally read good will. Hopefully your new best friend can too.
Plus, you don't want to be pregnant at the same time - let her have her baby first, then when you are so kind and helpful those first few months, you'll definitely have her (and the husband) forever.
The only way I would even consider having another baby is if I have someone to coordinate it with.
This post made me laugh out loud- great fun with morning coffee. The recruitment committee...still laughing...
Jennifer - We are card carrying members of the One and Done club as well. Ours is almost 2.5 and we constantly get the "So when are you having a little girl" question. It took us forever to get pregnant (I second the idea of not waiting so late to get started, I was 34 and felt about 85) and I had a terrible pregnancy, sick every day, high blood pressure from about 4 months on, and feet the size of shoe boxes. Then on top of all that our baby had a really severe protein allergy that took 2 months to diagonse. Thank goodness he outgrew it, but we were in and out of the hospital for 2 months. Yeah, good times. I would not trade him for the world, but for us, one is plenty. Besides by the time we did it all over again we would be old enough for Social Security.
Do the Brooklyn neighbors know you have this blog? Are you going to tell them?
I was the first in our circle to have a kid. You'd have thought I had an alien, lol. I was so relieved when a few years later my friends began joining the ranks ... I wasn't alone!
My little sister's on the recruitment committee too - but she doesn't have any of her own, she just wants me to have one so she can dress it up and cuddle it!
My future sister-in-law is going to have her first any day now. Ever since I found out that she was pregnant, I've been trying to get her to coordinate her second with my first (instead of getting pregnant again immediately, the crazy woman. I swear, she doesn't need to sleep). I've already got her husband on my side (he can see the logic in not having a one year old and an infant), so I think it could happen.
I was the first in my circle to breed too. Everyone at the video store (Le Video in SF!) thought we were nuts. But ten years later, most of them have joined us in parenthood. I wrote all about this turning into a parent thing in my book, which you'd probably like (if it were still in print, I mean), Planet Parenthood. check it out here: www.julietilsner.com (easier than the amazon link). I'm just guffawing at your adventures as new parents. So fun to relive this stuff! thanks,
such is my social circle as well. i wish to hell my friends would hurry up and breed already!
Being single and finding new good friends is hard.
Being married and finding new good friends is really hard.
Being married with offspring and finding new good friends is damn near impossible.
My best one and I were married for a year when we moved to a new city to go to law school. We met another young couple and started hanging out, and have since become life-long couple friends. It was so fun feeling giddy when hanging out with them; they were so cool. The feelings seemed so silly, like a crush, and a 27 year old married man should have a crush, right? But it also felt great. Perhaps good frienships are so great becasue of their rarity.
lol! I am fantastically adept at sticking my foot in my mouth, and rarely recover with the grace that you did.
but take it slow with your new friend - perhaps start with coordinating your pap smears, then move on to tandem pregnancy.
I don't think it was bad.
Although as a rule I'm completely happy in my single, new york, soon-to-be-leaving-hellish-job, life, the line about you having your second made my stomach cramp up with... longing.
Don't worry, the feeling will pass as soon as I send this comment. Better not mention pregnancy around me though.
(kidding!).
oh you are softshoe now. I have two babies and am on the outs for the cult as we settle on the vasectomy countdown...
I'm insufferable.
Oh, you people who have rules about conversation and pregnancy? Never, ever move to Utah. Seriously. The rules are there are no rules, and you know, I think the obsession about babies and pregnancy works for a LOT of people out here, even some who have miscarried, because they know if you were excited they were knocked up, you'll understand how awful it is to lose a pregnancy, too. Especially since you're in the club, as it were. So while I see the points of the people who chide you for your email in case it was a miscarriage, who knows? Maybe if it had been, it would have given your neighbor a chance to share. her pain if that's what she wanted to do. I told everybody I was pregnant pretty early because I knew they'd hear all about it if I lost the baby, and I can't be the only one out there who feels this way.
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